CaringandReal
Posts: 1397
Joined: 2/15/2008
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There are so many things I could say. Let me try to limit it to the important ones:
* He orders and you obey. It sounds so simple, doesn't it? But actually, there is absolutely nothing simple about this. Layers upon layers of complexity lie in this one interaction. You may not see them at first. But as he continues to order and you continue to obey, you will start to see how richly complex it all is. At times it will be easy (to obey). At times it won't. Don't worry when it is not, just try harder during those times. You will learn to recognize them, as they often come from patterns inside yourself.
* Accept the fact that you are not going to be pleasing all of the time. Sometimes you will have a bad day, sometimes he will. Don't fall into the submissive newbie trap of making a big dramatic deal out of it. It's not the end of the world. It's just a bad day, for one or both of you. Making this into a drama will just make an already bad thing worse.
* Practice paitence and restraint in the areas where these things should be exercised. Start practicing this now, when everything is new and still great. Find little ways to be more patient than you are, less impulsive, less prone to say something you might regret later. Here's why this is important: many submissives, particularly if their dominants are tolerant and empathic, go through a stage in their relationships when it becomes all about them. They ask for the things--and they get them, most of the time. So a day will come when you ask for something that you really want and expect to get and you're denied it, and your impulse will be to respond angrily, or to do (or not do) it anyway, or to wheedle/nag nonstop until you get your way, or to demand he rationally justify his decision, or even to have a big crying emotional breakdown because you do not get your way (only you say this breakdown is due to something else, not a simple thwarting of your will).
Remember, he's the dom, he doesn't have to justify anything to you. And he doesn't have to say yes, even when you really believe you deserve this thing and saying no is deeply unfair. This is where restraint and patience exercises come in handy.
Swallow the angry words. Don't go there. Get out an "Ok, Master," at least and distract yourself with something else--immediately.
Do not wheedle and nag--ever--even in what you consider a charming or teasing manner. It is too easy for something that aggressive to turn ugly.
If you have a good reason for doing or not doing this thing and you have not told him it--tell it to him--once--and if he still says No, do not repeat the reason or come up with more reasons or ask him, "But why?" in a stricken tone. Again, Just. Say. Ok. Then change the conversation to something more pleasant, for both of you.
If you do the thing anyway (and at some point you probably will, perfection is not possible in humanity and great skill actually arises from making mistakes and seeing/hating the consequences of those mistakes, so don't sweat it. And yes--we ALL do this, whether we admit it or not) then tell him about it as soon as you realize you haven't done so. Don't ever hold something like this back once you realize you have not told him.
As for the emotional freakout, no matter how justified you feel it is or how much what he did connects with some traumatic past childhood experience or whatever, is, at heart, a tantrum and an attempt to manipulate him in order to get your own way. Remember at such a time that you got in this sort of relationship to begin with because you didn't want to always get your own way, you did not always want to be the manipulator, capable of pulling your partner's strings. So when you don't get what you want, play fair, don't resort to blackmail by tears. This sort of behavior affects different dominants in different ways. If you are very lucky (although you won't feel lucky at the time), it won't affect or influence him at all.
* Another area you may have to practice restraint in is the tendendcy to turn a small confusion, a mixup, his scolding you or being disappointed in you into A BIG THING. Sure it hurts, especially if you do not ever anticipate and prepare for the eventuality that he will respond to you negatively. The idea that he won't is a happy myth you should rid yourself of before it takes root. Every submissive experiences being displeasing at times, and not always for 'fair" reasons. When it happens to you personally, it can feel horrific, you may even think you need to leave the relationship, as you feel so ashamed and like such a failure. But you are not perfect and neither is he and these things will happen. Unpleasant as it is to be disappointing or an object of his anger, remember that it will pass and everything will be fine again--unless you make a big deal out of it and turn it into a major drama or point of contention or proof of his being a bad dom.
If you have any emotional masochism in you, use it to wring a little enjoyment out of the situation. If not, then try to remember not to argue back, don't accuse him of being evil or unfair to you, gracefully say you are sorry and will not do it again and do NOT go on to justify your actions unless he asks for a reason. Even then, keep the reason short. In these situations, it can be hard to fight back the tears, so if you need to, let them roll, but continue to talk to him in as normal and calm a tone of voice as you can. Tell yourself, "Suck it up Soldier!" (or some such wording--I personally dislike the "don one's enormous female underwear" phrase, so I never use it, but it may work for you). I used to know a submissive who got a full, formal dressing down when she disobeyed or was displeasing. She was made to stand up arrow straight in the center of a room while her dominant circled her, harranging her for as long as an hour (subjectively, this feels like a lot longer). Be very grateful if your dominant is not that type!
* Learn your dominant through observation and asking questions, and not by assuming that all doms want X or even all men want X--because they don't. All men are different, and you have to learn who your master is and what he likes, not just assume you know. Sometimes it will hurt when you guess wrong; when you do something you think will thrill him or help him and he responds negatively to it. It's better, I think, not to drop big surprises on a dominant. Many (again, not all) are control freaks, and when you dump a surprise on such a person (especially a big one, like a surprise birthday party or bringing a girlfriend home for a threesome) without really knowing whether he likes it or not, you may earn his ire.
Ok, there's lots more but this is a good beginning. The Cliff Notes version: Remember, bad stuff is going to happen. Don't take it too seriously when it does, it's not the end of the world or the relationship. Submission gives you a wonderful excuse to learn restraint (and a meaningful context for learning it). So, restrain your impulsive nature, except where it should not be restrained (such as with being forthcoming). Restrain your desire to act out all your emotions even if your dominant is benevolent and allows this. It doesn't help you to overindulge in negative emotion, it spoils you, and makes you less able to exercise self-control the next time (in other words you become less pleasing--except, maybe, to yourself). Understand you will manipulate, you will struggle someday to get your own way, you will get angry or hurt at having to follow orders. The trick is not ever doing such things, as doing them is probably inevitable given human nature, but to stop yourself as soon as you realize you are doing them and not make things worse.
_____________________________
"A friend who bleeds is better" --placebo
"How seldom we recognize the sound when the bolt of our fate slides home." --thomas harris
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