Am I unreasonable?

Am I unreasonable? (Full Version)

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citizen912 -> Am I unreasonable? (7/9/2010 7:33:01 AM)
Ok, well here is the thing. I am involved in an online only relationship with a sub who is married and lives on a different continent. We are not planning to meet and there is very infrequent sexual activity of any sort. In many ways she is more of a very close friend who occasionally needs some rules and some remote discipline (self spanking etc). This is a very nice situation to have and very comfortable. The problem is that it is of itself not wholly fulfilling to me and I need a real life submissive who is able to appreciate that once or twice a week I might like to spend some time with my friend. IS this wholly implausible or are some subs actually capable of accepting this?

RCdc -> RE: Am I unreasonable? (7/9/2010 7:35:29 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: citizen912 Ok, well here is the thing. I am involved in an online only relationship with a sub who is married and lives on a different continent. We are not planning to meet and there is very infrequent sexual activity of any sort. In many ways she is more of a very close friend who occasionally needs some rules and some remote discipline (self spanking etc). This is a very nice situation to have and very comfortable. The problem is that it is of itself not wholly fulfilling to me and I need a real life submissive who is able to appreciate that once or twice a week I might like to spend some time with my friend. IS this wholly implausible or are some subs actually capable of accepting this? Is the online chickie going to be aware of this and agreeable? the.dark.

tazzygirl -> RE: Am I unreasonable? (7/9/2010 7:48:57 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: citizen912 Ok, well here is the thing. I am involved in an online only relationship with a sub who is married and lives on a different continent. We are not planning to meet and there is very infrequent sexual activity of any sort. In many ways she is more of a very close friend who occasionally needs some rules and some remote discipline (self spanking etc). This is a very nice situation to have and very comfortable. The problem is that it is of itself not wholly fulfilling to me and I need a real life submissive who is able to appreciate that once or twice a week I might like to spend some time with my friend. IS this wholly implausible or are some subs actually capable of accepting this? Speaking only for myself, the answer could be easy. Honesty is a most desired trait for many submissives. What you are honest about before the relationship begins determines what "i" can accept later. No one wants to be in a relationship where these kinds of things are kept hidden. Now, are you being honest with yourself? Lets say this girl suddenly could come to visit you. What then? You now have two subs within touch. You promised the second one you would never meet the first. But can you resist that pull with the first? These are questions you dont have to answer on this board. But they are questions you have to answer for yourself, because, eventually, someone will be looking to you for that answer.

citizen912 -> RE: Am I unreasonable? (7/9/2010 7:55:20 AM)
Perhaps I should be a little clearer. No, the former will not be meeting me. Secondly the online girl is not only aware of my need for real life but also fully supportive of it. The reason I ask is I have embarked on a couple of shortish term dalliances that have been unable to accept less than 100% of me in a very short space of time. I don't mean that to sound big headed because I know I am just a regular guy but it does seem that some people say one thing and when it comes to the crunch can't stick to it. Most people seem to want to rush a relationship and have everything right away. I am upfront and open about the situation because I know the "phasing out" will be a slow process and will happen the closer I get to the real life person. I am not going to jump in both feet first and end up in a situation a year down the line that I am alone if I can avoid it. I want to build something that is sustainable and eventually utterly monogamous. Hope that clarifies things.

RCdc -> RE: Am I unreasonable? (7/9/2010 8:00:02 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: citizen912 Perhaps I should be a little clearer. No, the former will not be meeting me. Secondly the online girl is not only aware of my need for real life but also fully supportive of it. The reason I ask is I have embarked on a couple of shortish term dalliances that have been unable to accept less than 100% of me in a very short space of time. I don't mean that to sound big headed because I know I am just a regular guy but it does seem that some people say one thing and when it comes to the crunch can't stick to it. Most people seem to want to rush a relationship and have everything right away. I am upfront and open about the situation because I know the "phasing out" will be a slow process and will happen the closer I get to the real life person. I am not going to jump in both feet first and end up in a situation a year down the line that I am alone if I can avoid it. I want to build something that is sustainable and eventually utterly monogamous. Hope that clarifies things. As a monogamous person, I wouldn't be interested. But for people who are poly, I am sure there would be people who would be happy with the arrangement. Also as a monogamous person I would not be able to look towards an utterly monogamous relationship whilst another was 'phased out' and would not get into a relationship with someone who had another girl,regardless of where she was. the.dark.

sirsholly -> RE: Am I unreasonable? (7/9/2010 8:51:48 AM)
quote: Secondly the online girl is not only aware of my need for real life but also fully supportive of it. The reason I ask is I have embarked on a couple of shortish term dalliances that have been unable to accept less than 100% of me in a very short space of time. I don't mean that to sound big headed because I know I am just a regular guy but it does seem that some people say one thing and when it comes to the crunch can't stick to it. Most people seem to want to rush a relationship and have everything right away. I am upfront and open about the situation because I know the "phasing out" will be a slow process and will happen the closer I get to the real life person. The "phasing out" is slow for whose benefit? Your on-line sub is married and fully supportive of a R/T relationship for you. It does not sound like she is the one that needs a slow withdrawal. That leaves....you! quote: I am not going to jump in both feet first and end up in a situation a year down the line that I am alone if I can avoid it. I want to build something that is sustainable and eventually utterly monogamous. Are you expecting monogamy from those you meet R/T but not willing to give it because you are hanging on to the on-line relationship out of the fear of being alone? That is the impression i am getting. You will "phase out" the one on-line only when you are sure a R/T relationship has a great deal of potential. If so, it sounds like "it's all about ME!" and you are being very unfair to everyone but yourself.

tazzygirl -> RE: Am I unreasonable? (7/9/2010 9:12:34 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: citizen912 Perhaps I should be a little clearer. No, the former will not be meeting me. Secondly the online girl is not only aware of my need for real life but also fully supportive of it. The reason I ask is I have embarked on a couple of shortish term dalliances that have been unable to accept less than 100% of me in a very short space of time. I don't mean that to sound big headed because I know I am just a regular guy but it does seem that some people say one thing and when it comes to the crunch can't stick to it. Most people seem to want to rush a relationship and have everything right away. I am upfront and open about the situation because I know the "phasing out" will be a slow process and will happen the closer I get to the real life person. I am not going to jump in both feet first and end up in a situation a year down the line that I am alone if I can avoid it. I want to build something that is sustainable and eventually utterly monogamous. Hope that clarifies things. I have to agree with Holly. It does sound a bit like its all about you. I bolded those two parts because i think you need to look closer at what you truly said. I am completely monogamous. Its not an eventual process. I have to ask, at this point, the on line girl... does her husband know? At this point, it sounds like you want to hold on to all your options while making the second girl dance to your tune before you decide if she is worth your priority. I have seen a saying posted by more than just a few posters. "Dont make someone your priority while you remain their option." Real life should always be the priority. If you cannot give a sub that much, then its no wonder why your rt relationships arent working out.

BitaTruble -> RE: Am I unreasonable? (7/9/2010 9:13:19 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: citizen912 Ok, well here is the thing. I am involved in an online only relationship with a sub who is married and lives on a different continent. We are not planning to meet and there is very infrequent sexual activity of any sort. In many ways she is more of a very close friend who occasionally needs some rules and some remote discipline (self spanking etc). This is a very nice situation to have and very comfortable. The problem is that it is of itself not wholly fulfilling to me and I need a real life submissive who is able to appreciate that once or twice a week I might like to spend some time with my friend. IS this wholly implausible or are some subs actually capable of accepting this? Honestly, new relationship energy rocks so I can understand someone who is in your day to day life not wanting precious time wasted on someone else whom you have not and never will meet, have no idea if there would be toes to toes chemistry and are willing to set aside someone touchable a couple of times a week to administer/cater to the online fantasies of a married woman. Only you can determine if that's unreasonable for you, but for me, yes, it would be unreasonable and I would prefer not to waste my time with someone who isn't willing to risk the ride with me for fear of being alone. That said, there probably are women out there who will settle for half a loaf being better than none and if you want a woman who settles than by all means, go for it and good luck. mmv

citizen912 -> RE: Am I unreasonable? (7/9/2010 9:41:29 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: sirsholly quote: Secondly the online girl is not only aware of my need for real life but also fully supportive of it. The reason I ask is I have embarked on a couple of shortish term dalliances that have been unable to accept less than 100% of me in a very short space of time. I don't mean that to sound big headed because I know I am just a regular guy but it does seem that some people say one thing and when it comes to the crunch can't stick to it. Most people seem to want to rush a relationship and have everything right away. I am upfront and open about the situation because I know the "phasing out" will be a slow process and will happen the closer I get to the real life person. The "phasing out" is slow for whose benefit? Your on-line sub is married and fully supportive of a R/T relationship for you. It does not sound like she is the one that needs a slow withdrawal. That leaves....you! quote: I am not going to jump in both feet first and end up in a situation a year down the line that I am alone if I can avoid it. I want to build something that is sustainable and eventually utterly monogamous. Are you expecting monogamy from those you meet R/T but not willing to give it because you are hanging on to the on-line relationship out of the fear of being alone? That is the impression i am getting. You will "phase out" the one on-line only when you are sure a R/T relationship has a great deal of potential. If so, it sounds like "it's all about ME!" and you are being very unfair to everyone but yourself. You make a lot of assumptions here. To clarify even further, I am hoping for eventual monogamy in r/t by building something that deserves it from both sides. As to the fact that the married lady doesn't need a slow withdrawal, that is somewhat incorrect as I have previously stated she is in a situation where she is largely alone. I understand the consensus and the sentiment from all and to a large extent I can agree, hence asking the question in the first place. If I was utterly sure I was being fair I wouldn't be here asking it now would I? Thank you for your comments ladies and I take them on board. Yes it is all about me in some ways but not by all means entirely.

sirsholly -> RE: Am I unreasonable? (7/9/2010 9:44:48 AM)
quote: I am hoping for eventual monogamy in r/t by building something that deserves it from both sides you are not going to have a firm foundation for what you want to build if you permit monogamy to wait. Here is what you are not understanding...your actions are telling a potential R/T partner "I'm not sure it will work out with you, so i"m going to keep PhoneBabe on a string." It speaks volumes of your character. You want the best of both worlds. Let me know how thats working for you.

gedienstig -> RE: Am I unreasonable? (7/9/2010 9:46:25 AM)
There will be some subs that don't mind you dominating someone online, as long as she is your only real life play partner. Although if I have to be honest with you, it seems best to make a choice, pursue this online romance that won't turn into something real time, or start your withdrawal already, and in the meanwhile make some contacts for a real time relationships. Be sure however that by the time you find someone you're interested in in real life, that you have "withdrawn" from this person completely as a slave. Keeping her as a friend won't bother too many ladies I assume (although I'm male, and I wouldn't mind it at least). Once you know the woman of your choosing a little better, you could ask what her thoughts are on you possibly also doing some online domination with a woman, but it seems best to me not to be involved with your online slave by the time you and the r/t partner start dating.

porcelaine -> RE: Am I unreasonable? (7/9/2010 10:20:49 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: citizen912 I am upfront and open about the situation because I know the "phasing out" will be a slow process and will happen the closer I get to the real life person. I am not going to jump in both feet first and end up in a situation a year down the line that I am alone if I can avoid it. I want to build something that is sustainable and eventually utterly monogamous. Hope that clarifies things. citizen912, You're "phasing out" a virtual relationship with an individual that doesn't meet your needs whom you've never had physical contact with and don't expect to do so in the future? Now I'll be honest, if you ran that buy me I'd smile and thank you for your time, spin on my heels and walk away. You want a guarantee and the situation you're involved in provides that. She isn't going anywhere. The prospect must accept your current engagement until she's proven that she wishes to remain, and even then there's no guarantee you'll cut the chord. Aside from someone that is clearly wired for poly, why would anyone settle for such when she can have her cake and ice cream with another gentleman without little miss virtual in the picture? I could tell you what you'd hope to hear, or be honest with you instead. I think the latter is most appropriate. A single woman with her stuff together doesn't need to play second fiddle to your online dalliance. Nor will she in most cases. You're shooting yourself in the foot and prolonging your bachelorhood in the process. ~porcelaine

leadership527 -> RE: Am I unreasonable? (7/9/2010 11:13:40 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: citizen912 IS this wholly implausible or are some subs actually capable of accepting this? Yes, there are subs who can deal with it. Some of them are naturally poly so no big deal. Some are just flexible. Some are submissive in that area. You may or may not find better luck looking in the slave category where total surrender is marginally more common. That would assume, of course, that you actually wanted the responsibility of owning a slave. Despite the various criticisms of you on this thread, I don't see anything wrong here. Just be honest with everyone right from the get go.

came4U -> RE: Am I unreasonable? (7/9/2010 11:41:21 AM)
I gotta agree with porcelaine. You could/would have a REAL relationship with someone, but insist on dropping the ball on that 2, 3 times a week for a VIRTUAL one with someone who has no intention of every being with you? You are being used and the VIRTUAL woman owns ya. lol What kind of woman/sub in their right mind would think a man is Dominant when he is being used in this capacity by someone who already has a full-time husband, life, family? You may as well be her over-the-pond submissive because someone is wearing the pants in this triad you call sanity--and its not YOU.

DesFIP -> RE: Am I unreasonable? (7/9/2010 11:48:37 AM)
Forget about rushing into a relationship. You aren't available at all to have one. The only thing you are offering these real time meets is no strings attached. As long as you are emotionally involved with the online one, you aren't available to get involved with a real time one. It's as though you want to plug a new tv in but refuse to unplug the old one from the cable. You can't have both. If you're fine as is, and don't want to have a real relationship with anyone, then you need to be honest and say all you are offering is friends with benefits, this assuming you can be friends with a new one while otherwise involved. If you do want to have a real relationship, then you have to end the cyber one first. Grieve from the loss of it, and then when you're ready to move on, do so. But you got involved deliberately in a relationship that has strict boundaries because you weren't ready to have a full one. Unless the reasons you set it up like this have changed, you still won't be able to make a real one work. Only you know why you're sabotaging possible relationships. I urge you to figure out why and to heal from the past hurts that are driving you to protect yourself from possible future hurt by building these walls. As you've seen, the walls you put up to keep others out have become prison walls keeping you in.

Mishna -> RE: Am I unreasonable? (7/9/2010 12:14:21 PM)
I was in very much the situation you are describing, only, I was the real life woman whom he claimed he wanted a relationship with......I'm currently single. If you are willing to choose a long distance relationship that has absolutely no future, over the possibility of something in real life with a real future, then accept the fact you will be alone. If you aren't willing to give your time and energy to a real life partner at the start of a relationship, on the off chance it won't work, why should she expect more from you 3 or 6 or18 months down the road? My advice, and since it's free, take it for what it's worth, drop the online situation and pursue real life if you want real life success. If you want online, stay online. That's what my ex has done. He meets his online relationship once a year, and in between times has the occasional play session with another sub. But, chances are, he will never get up the courage or emotional strength to pursue and maintain a real life relationship.

lally2 -> RE: Am I unreasonable? (7/9/2010 12:24:45 PM)
well im going on a limb here - yes its possible - there are plenty of poly orientated subs out there and there are plenty of people im sure who wouldnt take issue with a virtual cyber friendship thats never going to amount to anything. youre being upfront about the friend in america and since youre only planning to spend two nights a week with this cyber on line connection its hardly going to cut a big hole in anything real time. if it was me i might think that youre hedging youre bets against it not working out with me, which would be a negative place to start from - and there are plenty more fish in the sea who arent starting off with the negative insinuation that they have to fill some gap in youre life before you ditch the friend in the states. if that is youre premis then youre putting unfair pressure on the new person to live up to something unreal - few people would wish to even try to do that. cyber has an unreality factor that creates an intensity all of its own due to the fact that you dont get to see them with spinach between their teeth or their hair standing on end or their mascarra runing down their face.

sexyred1 -> RE: Am I unreasonable? (7/9/2010 12:35:26 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: citizen912 Ok, well here is the thing. I am involved in an online only relationship with a sub who is married and lives on a different continent. We are not planning to meet and there is very infrequent sexual activity of any sort. In many ways she is more of a very close friend who occasionally needs some rules and some remote discipline (self spanking etc). This is a very nice situation to have and very comfortable. The problem is that it is of itself not wholly fulfilling to me and I need a real life submissive who is able to appreciate that once or twice a week I might like to spend some time with my friend. IS this wholly implausible or are some subs actually capable of accepting this? What is unreasonable is that you even have to ask people this question. I don't get the online only thing at all personally. I get being online friends or acquaintances, but not anything else.To me, virtual anything is unreal as it is, so why would a married woman who is happy remaining virtual ever be shocked at a man wanting something that exists in real life? The whole thing makes me shake my head and makes me happy I actually participate in life and not just observe.

citizen912 -> RE: Am I unreasonable? (7/9/2010 1:24:02 PM)
I didn't have to ask this question, I thought the answers might provoke a balanced view. It would seem I am wrong in that. People are very keen to judge a situation whereon they have merely some of the facts it would seem. As it happens the situation has now been resolved and dissolved and therefore will not be arising in future. Thanks to those of you who were honest enough to give a considered response and shame on those who just wanted to put in the boot.

porcelaine -> RE: Am I unreasonable? (7/9/2010 1:33:36 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: citizen912 I didn't have to ask this question, I thought the answers might provoke a balanced view. It would seem I am wrong in that. People are very keen to judge a situation whereon they have merely some of the facts it would seem. As it happens the situation has now been resolved and dissolved and therefore will not be arising in future. Thanks to those of you who were honest enough to give a considered response and shame on those who just wanted to put in the boot. citizen912, You're criticizing others for offering opinions on a situation with limited information which you elected to or not to provide. And that's their fault? I'm certain you're aware that the responses will reflect that individual's experience and beliefs that are applied to the situation outlined. That's akin to the proverbial question, "does this make me look fat?." Either the question was posed for honest feedback or you wanted empathy, sympathy, or commentary that validated your stance going in. We're not mind readers on here. If you put it out there you should expect that people will agree to disagree. ~porcelaine

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