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Ignoring the ego & self serving - 7/9/2010 10:06:01 PM

seriousslaveuk

Posts: 13
Joined: 4/15/2008
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Dear CM's

Please may i ask for some advice? i have this battle within me that centre's around self serving as my wife is not a Domme nor really interested in shaping a D/s relationship. Therefore i serve through stealth etc, however are my actions self serving? How can i ignore the go and serve with pure heart. However sometimes i feel if i do not guide and self serve then she will never be encouraged to fully accept a submissive husband nor see the full benefit of a submissive in her life. Can self serving be positive or is self serving a cancerous act?

Thank you One & all

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RE: Ignoring the ego & self serving - 7/9/2010 10:40:29 PM

myotherself

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Joined: 3/9/2006
From: The cold bit of the UK
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we ALL self serve. By that I mean we wouldn't do it if it wasn't something we HAD to do. We do it because it fulfills us, makes us feel 'right' within ourselves, and brings peace and contentment (at least to me).

Some of the things we do are not things that we enjoy doing, but we do them because it makes him/her happy, and that makes us happy too.How can making two people happy be 'cancerous'? Being a sub/slave isn't about having a life of misery, but a 'pure' heart. We're SUPPOSED to find happiness in what we do, even a sense of pride in our service to another. Does that makes us unpure - if so, then most of us on these boards are not gonna make it through the gates of "subbie heaven"

So 'stealth serving' is a perfectly good thing to do. It makes your wife's life happier and more comfortable, which is what we want for our partner. It doesn't matter if they identify as a dom/me - the result is the same.

Imagine how they would feel if you stopped doing what you do. Would they miss it? Would they want you to start doing it again? If the answer is 'yes', then I'd say just keep on doing what you're doing

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RE: Ignoring the ego & self serving - 7/9/2010 10:42:49 PM

LadyPact

Posts: 32566
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If I'm understanding properly (and I may not be because it is late) what you are looking at is what is the better choice between your options.

If you take away the serving through stealth, where does that leave you? Then, you're not serving at all and will probably get even less satisfaction. In addition, this may also destroy any hopes that you have, slim as they may be from what I'm getting from the post, that there will ever be any potential for D/s.

How much discussion have you had with your wife about this?

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RE: Ignoring the ego & self serving - 7/10/2010 1:17:07 AM

Elisabella

Posts: 3939
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quote:

ORIGINAL: seriousslaveuk

Dear CM's

Please may i ask for some advice? i have this battle within me that centre's around self serving as my wife is not a Domme nor really interested in shaping a D/s relationship. Therefore i serve through stealth etc, however are my actions self serving? How can i ignore the go and serve with pure heart. However sometimes i feel if i do not guide and self serve then she will never be encouraged to fully accept a submissive husband nor see the full benefit of a submissive in her life. Can self serving be positive or is self serving a cancerous act?

Thank you One & all

A lot of women who would be horrified at the thought of having "a submissive husband" would genuinely love and appreciate a husband who treats her chivalrously, who gives massages, cooks dinner, helps around the house without being asked, makes breakfast if he wakes up early, etc.

If you enjoy serving her, do it. You don't have to make it a kinky thing.

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RE: Ignoring the ego & self serving - 7/10/2010 3:20:07 AM

subsfaith

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I don't believe in altruism. Everything we do is self-serving in some way.

Go ahead and treat your wife like a princess, it won't do any harm... and stop over thinking this, that will cause harm.

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RE: Ignoring the ego & self serving - 7/10/2010 5:02:58 AM

DarkSteven

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Fella, you cannot believe how many points you won here. 99% of married sub men who post here whine about how their wife doesn't meet their needs, so they need to cheat. Your post didn't even whine, let about mention cheating. My compliments.

To answer you, serving her gives you pleasure, and she (I assume) likes it. So nothing's wrong there.

Are you religious? If so, go with your wife to a Marriage Encounter. That will teach better communication within marriage and could lead to that important discussion about the bedroom, which is the one place you want to submit and can't.

< Message edited by DarkSteven -- 7/10/2010 5:53:37 AM >

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RE: Ignoring the ego & self serving - 7/10/2010 5:14:29 AM

zephyroftheNorth

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Kudos to you OP for finding a way to serve the one you love instead of going outside your marriage to fulfill your needs. I see nothing wrong with what you are doing; your needs are being met and I'll bet she feels like a Queen

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RE: Ignoring the ego & self serving - 7/10/2010 9:24:25 AM

Missokyst

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Elisabella
If you enjoy serving her, do it. You don't have to make it a kinky thing.

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RE: Ignoring the ego & self serving - 7/10/2010 3:10:38 PM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
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From: Apple County NY
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Does she enjoy being served? Because if she doesn't, if this makes her unhappy then doing this is not serving her.

OP there is no alternative to being honest with someone who you claim to love. Have you talked to her? Don't say you want to be a slave or be forced to wear her panties or eat from the dog bowl. Don't use buzzwords or go into your fetishes.

Just tell her that you would be happier if she would tell you what to do that would make her happier. Whether that is you doing the dishes after dinner or rubbing her feet or stop telling that same old joke at parties. And then do it. And ask her frequently if there's anything you can do for her.

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RE: Ignoring the ego & self serving - 7/11/2010 8:47:46 AM

slavekal

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I wouldn't worry. Just because serving makes you happy does not mean that it's wrong.

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RE: Ignoring the ego & self serving - 7/11/2010 10:02:49 PM

seriousslaveuk

Posts: 13
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Thank You to A/all who have replied and guided me.

LadyPact, thank You for taking the time to respond. In terms of conversation, it is getting better as i'm seeing she is relaxing more with the idea of her husband serving her. i have found moments to ask questions about her enjoyment when in control and it seems to be positive. Small steps i guess and as Elisabella's advice includes, it does not need to be a kinky thing and that is where i need to work to remove kinky from my perception of D/s.

If i stop serving her i know she will miss it and then yes i will feel even more frustration, therefore to continue and find even more ways to serve her through i guess listening and observing what makes her happy.

Any additional advice on moving things ahead would be warmly recieved and appreciated.

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RE: Ignoring the ego & self serving - 7/12/2010 10:05:10 AM

KariCloud

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Joined: 5/14/2010
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It doesn't have to be kinky at all, it is a matter of perspective, of looking at service in a different way. Not about you, but about her. For me, I try hard to look at it as making my partners happy, not as me being *anything*. The minute I start thinking too much about myself, I get side-tracked. It really IS all about them!

That said, there must be reciprocity. In my case, my two owners are very loving and careful with me and they are very happy making sure I get what I need and am comfortable serving them. If this wasn't the case, it wouldn't be nearly as good a situation. Too much giving and not enough focus on one's own needs can wreck relationships even if a person is submissive. You still have needs, just like everyone else. This I see as being a risk of serving someone stealthily, they can't be reciprocal about taking care of you if it isn't something they agreed to. I also don't think that forcing her to be your owner by underhandedly serving her is a really good thing...

So, I would suggest that you might need to shift your perspective to something she is alright with, and focus on that as a way to please her. If you can do that, and you really are doing things for HER, that she enjoys and appreciates, then I see no reason why this couldn't work awesomely for both of you. You don't have to be involved in D/s to please your partner and do things for them. Whether one is submissive or not, doing things for the ones we love is pretty universal in loving romantic relationships, I think.

Have you asked her directly what she really enjoys, what would make her life easier, what things you can do for her? Don't approach it as a kink, approach it as a vanilla relationship, on her terms. There's no need to use kink words, as others have said. She'll probably respond well to you asking what you can do for her. Do it like her partner, someone who loves her and wants her to be happy. Talk to her!

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RE: Ignoring the ego & self serving - 7/12/2010 10:38:11 AM

LadyPact

Posts: 32566
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quote:

ORIGINAL: seriousslaveuk

Thank You to A/all who have replied and guided me.

LadyPact, thank You for taking the time to respond. In terms of conversation, it is getting better as i'm seeing she is relaxing more with the idea of her husband serving her. i have found moments to ask questions about her enjoyment when in control and it seems to be positive. Small steps i guess and as Elisabella's advice includes, it does not need to be a kinky thing and that is where i need to work to remove kinky from my perception of D/s.

If i stop serving her i know she will miss it and then yes i will feel even more frustration, therefore to continue and find even more ways to serve her through i guess listening and observing what makes her happy.

Any additional advice on moving things ahead would be warmly recieved and appreciated.

It is really hard for Me to say because I don't really know what you are doing now, so it's difficult for Me to tell you how to move ahead. If I had a little more information, I may be able to suggest some things to you.

Without details, I can give you the standard answer. The suggestion really has nothing to do with kink at all. It's more in tune with what, I believe, should be present in all loving relationships.

Do the little things. Get up early on Sunday mornings to make her breakfast in bed. Run her a bath when you know she's tired. Rub her feet when you know that she's had a long day. Offer to massage her shoulders when you know she's stressed. Find that one chore in the household that you know she hates and make sure you are the one who volunteers to do it.

In addition, give her opportunities to take control when it's her idea. One of the best ideas I've come across were "coupons" with various service or sexual acts that she can redeem when she wants. Don't go overboard, but give her the subtle hint that she's in charge. It sounds corny, but I've seen it used before with success.

_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

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RE: Ignoring the ego & self serving - 7/12/2010 11:24:13 AM

lally2

Posts: 2621
Joined: 4/16/2009
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quote:

ORIGINAL: seriousslaveuk

Dear CM's

Please may i ask for some advice? i have this battle within me that centre's around self serving as my wife is not a Domme nor really interested in shaping a D/s relationship. Therefore i serve through stealth etc, however are my actions self serving? How can i ignore the go and serve with pure heart. However sometimes i feel if i do not guide and self serve then she will never be encouraged to fully accept a submissive husband nor see the full benefit of a submissive in her life. Can self serving be positive or is self serving a cancerous act?

Thank you One & all

i dont see why you should call it self serving to be honest. you are giving you into the relationship as you - but if she isnt a Domme or in the least bit interested then where do you get youre satisfaction from.

part of the pleasure of serving another for me is in them understanding me and why i get pleasure from giving. if youre wife understands that bit and doesnt have a problem with that then youre desire to please her is concensual up to a point.

if she enjoys you pleasuring and pleasing her then thats good too. but if the pleasure is totally on youre side and she's finding it all a bit irksome then you may well be forcing things on her a bit.

i can only assume she knew who she was marrying before you married her - so basically if she's ok with it then i wouldnt call it self serving, but i do wonder if youre efforts will ever bring her around to understanding the benefits of having her sub in her life and by youre saying that it makes me wonder if she's ever going to be fully clued up enough to fully understand what it is she's supposed to be understanding.

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