Slaveboiz
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“E” IS FOR ETHICS
A LOOK OUTSIDE THE DUNGEON
By slave ziggy
Introduction: Since the late eighties to early nineties, we have experiencing more and more people with an interest in D/s and SM. Some of those folks just want to dip their toes in the pool of SM, while others are diving right in.
All this new interest has left many of our older, more experienced SM practitioners shaking their collective heads; asking what has happened to the tight knit communities they once knew. Communities where it members were diverse but seemed to observe a similar set of ethics
My guess is, this sudden wide spread interest in SM can be attributed to the media and free press, each giving us entertaining images of SM and D/s but with little thought as to the ethics of such activities.
In August of 1983 the ‘Gay Male SM Activists adopted the motto of safe sane and consensual (SSC) as part of their mission statement. It wouldn’t be long before SSC became the guideline for the ethical practice of SM. Some time later another acronym known as Risk Aware, Consensual Kink or RACK would become another popular choice in guiding our ethical SM practices.
What both of these ideals offered us was a way to make SM more palatable in the minds of a much broader audience. (If its safe sane and consensual then it must be okay.) The other thing it did for us is it gave us a basis to work from as we engage in SM activities with others, but what about outside the dungeon? What ideals are in place to help guide and direct us in our interactions with others within the larger community?
ETHICS AND ETHICAL BEHAVIORS: We define ethics as a set of ideals that guide and direct us in our interactions with others. In addition, ethical behaviors are those interactions that a group, organization and community finds acceptable. They may establish standards of ethical behaviors as away of controlling the way in which its members interact and as a way to keep the group or organization and its members safe. By following a set of ethical standards it allows its members to reap the benefits of belonging.
Most families, groups and organizations within the BDSM community are formed by people who share similar ethics and core values. In an attempt to understand the ethics of a community we must first look at where our ethics originate.
CORE VALUES: In my time in the Marines there was a huge emphasis placed on Core Values. This value system acts as a guide for ethical behavior among Marines. Such core values as thrust, honor, respect loyalty and a sense of duty are the hallmarks of the twenty- first Marine. We often find these ideals recreated here within the leather community. However, what if you have not been in the Marines or you are not in the leather community, where do your core value systems come from?
Many of our personal core values and ethics come from our parents, or those who have had an impact on us as young adults. These core values will be a strong determining factor on how we interact with those around us.
Unlike in the Marines, few of us will ever sit down and actually define our present day ethics. It is only when we wish to join a family, group, organization or profession do we actually have to look at our core values. Having a need to belong also requires us to examine our whether our values systems match those around us. We can do this by simply making a list of those attributes we find of value as it pertains to others. Assessing those core values and then prioritizing them is crucial in finding others who share similar value systems.
THE ETHICAL DILEMMA: In a community as large and diverse as ours we often struggle with the notion of individuality verse community. To what degree can the greater community realistically dictate the ethical behavior of the individual? We will talk about ourselves as a community and yet reject any attempt to establish standards of ethical behavior outside the dungeon and even then ethical behavior is up for interpretation.
One way to address this dilemma is that we are beginning to see more and more people braking away and forming families and groups that share a similar code of ethics. These families, groups and organizations are reserving the right to establish and maintain ethical standards that meet the needs of its members. We are also seeing less and less tolerance of those within the group who stray from those established ethics. They are subscribing to the idea that “when in Rome does as the Romans do, or get out!”
This intolerance seems less about gender, sexual orientation or style of SM practices and more about a desire to create safe spaces for those associated with these groups. We are finding that diversity has little or nothing to do with what we are discovery about our individual needs; i.e the need to belong and be safe.
Again, ethics control the interactions and behaviors of those with in a smaller community in order that each member can reap its benefits.
UNETHICAL BEHAVIORS: We define unethical behaviors as any behavior that endangers the well being of any individual, family, group or organization.
It’s a no brainer that stealing funds from a club or negating someone’s safe word is unethical, but what about other behaviors we have come to accept as common place in our community. What about those behaviors that disrupt the intent of a group.
The most common unethical behavior we experience within our communities is what I call “The Dish.”
In a community that relies on information to get us what we need and to keep us safe it is hard to distinguish between gossip and information. Where we draw the line here is with the intent at which the information is given.
In my mind there is a huge difference between someone who is gossiping and someone who is passing along information with the intent to keep us safe. The fall out from such drama seekers has proven to be more dangerous to us then a misplaced flogger in a scene. We have all watched in horror as who families, groups and even events have been dismantled by the work of one or two people. The gay and lesbian communities refer to these folks as “drama queens”
From our prospective, drama queens are those folks that enjoy the waves they create and are skilled at dividing groups of people and then pitting them against one another. Usually, their actions go unchecked until the damage is already done.
Families, who’s intent was to create a safe environment to meet the needs of its members can be torn apart by a disgruntled member when he or she takes their issues out to the larger community; not with the intent to resolve any issues but rather to seek attention and create discord.
The need to be the center of attention even at the cost of friendships and the cohesiveness of a family is often what drives these folks. When people listen and become emotionally enthrall, it fills a void they seem unwilling or unable to fill for themselves. In essence creating drama is their drug of choice and I would hazer to guess this could very well be the new up and coming fetish in our community.
My quandary here is this. The life we live in BDSM is hard enough as we struggle toward the right for self expression. We live our lives in a world that often doesn’t understand our need for pain and pleasure or varying degrees of control. We are constantly looking for others who share and understanding of those needs, so why is it that we allow such unethical behaviors to exist with in our larger community? Why do we often turn a deaf ear to that which we know will have a negative impact on our relationships with others?
One thought I had to this is what I call passive ethics
PASSIVE ETHICS: Passive ethics are those ethics that seem to change from one situation to the next and often meet the needs of the individual in the moment with little consideration to the impact they may have on others. When our ethics change with each new situation it leaves us as individuals and as a community open to a sundry of issues and pitfalls. Our belief is that situations change and that ethics should not.
Know this! The ethics you establish as individuals and as groups directly impact the greater community. If we want a community that is diverse and tolerant, establishing a clear standard of ethical behavior, both in the dungeon or out, will ultimately get us what we need and want as a community.
For example: Knowing that my ethical behavior is centered on tolerance and respect and that my intent to act in a way the supports a sense of well being, has a direct impact on how I interact with those around me. All of my actions should denote that intent no matter what I am faced with.
Is it always easy to act ethically? Certainly not. Upholding high ethical standards is like obeisance, it’s easy until we are put to the test. Knowing one’s core values system and being clear about your over all intent is huge when determining your course of action in any given situation.
I have always believed that the ethical and compassionate behavior I practice with others is the ethical and compassionate behaviors I will get form others.
IN CONCLUSION: It goes with out saying that in our vastly diverse community we are faced with a plethora of personalities and motives. Within those motives and personalities some where lays a community in search of itself. If we begin to look inwards at our own ethics and motives we will find what we are ultimately looking for even in a world that doesn’t always understand us.
It is not for me or anyone else to tell you what ethical behaviors you should adopt but we can encourage those within our families, groups and organizations to look inward and to observe those around us. Its seems less about telling people how they should act and more about shying way from those behaviors that will be a detriment to our community as a whole.
Tolerance and respect often fall in line with personal ethics and core values. Knowing that being ethical sometimes means being courageous and to be courageous takes practice.
Be kind to yourself and others even when it is hard to do so and lastly the best teacher of ethics is through the examples we give others.
Thank you for your time and consideration.
slave ziggy
International slave 2006
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