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MadameMarque -> RE: Mistresses, Do You give up the same amount as a Slave/Submissive? (4/16/2006 6:29:50 AM)
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Sarbonn, you are so right...
To those who are raising the issue of parity, between dominant and submissive or slave...
If you have an interest in an egalitarian relationship, what in the world are you doing on a site called, "CollarMe"?
If you desire certain considerations from a dominant, let it be known, up front.
I've had a running dialogue with someone, with whom I have contact briefly, every few months. Contact is brief because, unhappily, we cannot seem to connect. I believe he really does want to be submissive and serve, but he is still too busy defending himself, being right, making sure things are "fair" - based on his terms, no less.
If I have a problem, is he concerned about what he can do to help clear it? Is my problem "our" problem? He is more concerned with feeling he's being criticized (whether he is or not), and defending himself. Sometimes, that includes trying to gather evidence that I'm "guilty" of whatever it is he feels criticized for, so that he can say, "you see? You're just as bad as I am."
And that's where we get back to the topic at hand. Demanding that dominants defend themselves and their worth or "rightness," really suggests an agenda. It suggests that you feel in some way dominants are unfair or in the wrong - or maybe it's just one dominant you have in mind - and you're calling for them to say, "what makes you so great?" You want to put dominants on the defensive because you feel on the defensive.
I'd like to point out that this defensive attitude, this making sure you've got yours, making sure things are "fair," and putting the other on notice, is divisive. It would not even work in a vanilla relationship. It isn't out of love. It's out of suspicion and fear. And it's certainly not sexy.
What's more, in a dominant-submissive or owner-slave relationship, what's "fair"? Fair warning, perhaps - in the sense of informed consent, that is. Honesty, from both parties. Honoring agreements and limitations.
But the dominant-submissive or slave relationship is not, by definition, "fair" or "equal," by the usual meaning of the words.
I have had a submissive who, if something troubles me, would say, "please tell me what I can do to make things better, Madame."
And he would genuinely mean it, would care and go into action to make things better.
Do I have a right to complain about the matter at hand? "Should" it bother me? Is it fair to him that I define how it be fixed and he help fix it?
His response takes us both completely out of that realm of division, away from each person for themselves. He doesn't question my feelings or argue that it's not his fault, because there is no "fault." How can I not respond positively to someone who says, "your concerns are my concerns, my privilege to take as my concerns." This is the nature of a submissive, though rarely so very loving and open in its form.
And, how am I, in turn, as good to a submissive or slave? I hope I am, in my way. Submissives and slaves have different needs and desires than dominants, have you not noticed? However, in another way of looking at it, at core, we all want love, we want to be known by another, we want someone(s) who are unconditionally on our side, we want our dreams satisfied.
Dominants and submissives or slaves just have their individual ways of getting these needs and desires met.
"Love knows no boundaries, age is but a number ... Do not be afraid. Do not hide. Do not say, It cannot be."
- from the Korean drama, "Romance"
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