Growing Pains

Growing Pains (Full Version)

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Pseudonym123 -> Growing Pains (7/14/2010 10:44:59 PM)
....

peppermint -> RE: Growing Pains (7/14/2010 11:10:24 PM)
quote: What do I do if the answers are “I don’t know”…what happens then? Then you go on as you are. You are happy. You sound as if you have a busy and social life. Go with the flow and enjoy the ride.

laurell3 -> RE: Growing Pains (7/15/2010 5:52:56 AM)
well that was easy!

DesFIP -> RE: Growing Pains (7/15/2010 6:47:22 AM)
!!!

tiggerspoohbear -> RE: Growing Pains (7/17/2010 5:42:06 PM)
So if you can't delete your post, that's the answer? Wow, musta been some question!!

Pseudonym123 -> RE: Growing Pains (7/19/2010 9:36:14 PM)
I'm sorry I deleted the post, it just made me uncomfortable having it out there. I've slightly edited it, and would like your opinion, if you care to share it. This seems like a spacey sort of ramble and I‘m sorry… but I’m at a strange point and I’d like some opinions. I’m genuinely perplexed by where I am, and I can’t figure out how I feel about things. 　 THE ISSUE: I’m not sure what I want any more. Now, here’s what I mean by that: I’ve always thought that I wanted the “normal” package--- the relationship with a man (that happens to be a Dom) that leads to marriage, children, a dog and the white picket fence. With the dungeon in the basement, of course! Now I’m at the point where I wonder if I REALLY want that… or if I’ve just wanted it forever and everyone else has it/wants it…so I should too. And, I wonder … do I feel this way because I’m discouraged and tired of looking? Or is it because I really feel this way? I’m not upset… I’m not sure I’m feeling anything about searching for a partner. I feel like I’m at a “whatever happens, happens” point and that is very far from where I’ve always been. For the past few months, I’ve been tossing the idea around that maybe that “normal package” isn’t what’s meant to happen in my life. I’m not looking for patronizing pats on the head saying “of course it will happen for you, give it time.” I’ve given it time. I’ve been searching for years now, and while I have gained a lot of experience… that experience has almost served to confuse me MORE than when I started. I’ve met single men-- Dominants, switches, submissives, vanillas and everything in between. I’ve met them for coffee, for drinks, for dinner… at play parties and dungeons, at munches and at events. Very few of them interest me beyond a casual “Hey, how ya doing?” Those that do, I talk to…and nothing seems to happen. I’ve met Poly couples/groups, and for the most part, they’re fun to talk to… but I’ve never been looking for poly, so I don’t look there. I wonder now, if this is something I could do, could search out… because I see it really working for some people. Am I interested in this because I am really interested, or because I’m stalled out searching for a monogamous relationship? Is it another avenue to maybe get me what I want? But…what is it that I want? I’ve met women that I like, and gotten slightly physical with a few… but I don’t identify myself as bi (in fact, I classify myself as hetero / hetero-flexible/very passively bi-curious) so, that’s not gone anywhere either. But, I wonder if I should explore THIS too, because who knows what could come of it? I know, I know… we’re going to have that “Don’t put me in a box, don’t label me” discussion… but I NEED TO LABEL MYSELF? I need to know, even if someone else doesn’t? In regard to finding a romantic partner: I feel like I’ve put what I thought I wanted out there, and I’ve gotten a lot of hits off of it… but deep down, I wasn’t THERE, I wasn’t satisfied with them , with my results. This is sort of how this whole question started… another thread asked something about petitioning the universe for what you want… but I don’t know what to petition the universe FOR. Am I unsatisfied by what I’m getting? YES. But, I’m wondering if that’s because I’m not putting the right stuff out there. Maybe I need to search for something I never thought I would do/like/want? But is that counter productive? Once I get it, am I going to panic and say “Oh.my.LAWD, I never really wanted this! What-do-I-do-now?” I need to be clear that I’m not unhappy. In fact…right now I am very happy with my life. And---maybe that confuses me as well. I don’t have a relationship, no prospects for one and I’m only passively searching… but I’m ok with it. Sort of? I’m meeting a lot of great people in my local community, and I’m covering myself in kink… almost every weekend there is an event I’m involved in and I love it! I’m meeting people in real life that this works for, and it’s opening my eyes to great things. I sort of feel like, at this point… I still want a partner… but it’s not that big of a deal any longer? Maybe? (Do I really feel this way, or am I just at a stalling out point? Or an overload? Is this a quarter life crisis hitting me late?!) I feel like… If I meet someone… in order to catch my attention… He’s (Well, hell… He/She/They’re???) going to have to be phenomenal. And, to be honest… I want to be able to go to parties/events/clubs and do what I want to do and not have to worry about answering to someone or asking someone’s permission. (I’m so not a weal and twue submissive!! LOL) Everyone talks of that “kid in a candy store” feeling when a person first finds kink. I think I’ve finally hit that feeling, because I’m letting myself start to experience things. I think it’s important to throw in that I’ve started to play publicly. I never thought that I could… play was always like sex to me…something personal and not to be given to many… but I’m tired of waiting on the sidelines watching everyone else. I was itching to get into it, so… I did. I’ve done a few things, and liked it… and this past weekend I was flogged in a kink-public setting, and I enjoyed it. A lot. It was a great scene/experience. It was done by a woman (with her man helping out at some points with another flogger), which I never thought I could enjoy… but I did. I didn’t like the fact that there were people around that were not in the scene…so I’m not sure I’ll be doing THAT in public again… but it makes me wonder if I’ve connected sex/love/play in my head when it doesn’t HAVE to be that way. It’s always *been* linked… but does that mean it always has to be? I’ve gotten two very conflicting views of this, both from people I respect…. View A-- that the sensation is what you’re after…why does it matter where it comes from? It’s like the sensation of bungee jumping… you don’t LOVE the harness, you don’t go home with the harness at the end of the night. The other opinion is B--that play is very personal-- you’re letting someone HURT you, commit violent acts upon you… you should know them, trust them and have some sort of relationship/connection with them. I’ve always identified with B. I thought that was what would work for me… but am I limiting myself, or am I doing what’s right for me? What I don’t know is if I need to slow down because it makes me look like a whore bouncing from one item/top to the next getting these sensations. I don’t want to be the 3rd girl of 7, getting this done… I think that makes me look bad. I don’t want to be the community chew toy. I don’t want random people thinking they can touch me, which HAS happened. Thankfully I’ve been at a good place where security is tight and my friends have stepped in and at that point it was a non-issue. Should I start looking for a play-partner? I think that I enjoyed the play with the couple this week not only because of the sensation, but because I knew there was no chance of getting any feelings or emotions stirred up for them. So, they were “safe“? (Hello, I’m a control freak, nice to meetcha.) I’m not sure I could do that with a single male…especially one that I was attracted to? But… now that I’ve written that, I wonder. Could I? Would I get emotionally attached? How do I know? Do I just do it? What about the consequences? What about getting hurt? I never thought I could be happy with having a play partner. I didn’t think it could work for me that way… but maybe it can? I wonder if doing all of these kinky events is actually making me lose my focus? But… I’m a lot happier doing them and making friends and meeting people, as compared to when I only used the internet to understand/research/get to know kink. THE BIG QUESTION:** I know that you can’t answer these questions for me… I have to do some serious introspection and figure it out on my own… But, what questions do I ask myself? How do I figure out what I really want? What do I do if the answers are “I don’t know”…what happens then? Any help or insight would be appreciated.

LaserKitty -> RE: Growing Pains (7/19/2010 10:03:12 PM)
wow.. I can so relate to much of your post. Sadly, I don't know which questions to ask myself, either. Good luck.

mstrjx -> RE: Growing Pains (7/20/2010 3:35:25 AM)
Please allow me to pose further questions, that might either make your choices even more difficult, or allow for the self-introspection to become more focussed. Can you get what you want out of life being alone? That's certainly a choice that you seem to be making, but it seems you're not pleased with that. If you don't want to be alone, do you require a romantic relationship, or is companionship without some of the trappings enough for you? For instance, would you ever have the mindset that would allow you to become a sub or even a slave to another without any relationship expectations? You are getting some of those physical needs met by another; you get to submit to or serve another; you get the companionship you need; you are able to justify what is missing and come to peace with that finding that it wasn't as necessary as what you originally thought (for instance, you provide for yourself what you might not be getting from another). I'm not trying to make that sound any more cryptic than it needs to be, but it is a mindset that control freaks can use to serve but still hold that control internally. Hope this helps, or allows for further discussion. Jeff

sirsholly -> RE: Growing Pains (7/20/2010 3:37:47 AM)
quote: I’ve always thought that I wanted the “normal” package--- the relationship with a man (that happens to be a Dom) that leads to marriage, children, a dog and the white picket fence. With the dungeon in the basement, of course! Now I’m at the point where I wonder if I REALLY want that… or if I’ve just wanted it forever and everyone else has it/wants it…so I should too. And, I wonder … do I feel this way because I’m discouraged and tired of looking? Or is it because I really feel this way? I’m not upset… I’m not sure I’m feeling anything about searching for a partner. I feel like I’m at a “whatever happens, happens” point and that is very far from where I’ve always been I see this as more of a life issue than a BDSM issue. When young, we are all programmed to want certain things out of life...especially us women. Sure, there is the career focus, but there also is the husband, kids, and white picket fence. Whether we ACTUALLY want it or not, we say we do because it is expected of us. Maturity can change this....or not. But it certainly can make us stop and re-evaluate. That re-evaluation is borne of self confidence. You have the confidence to start to look around and realize perhaps you do not want the cookie-cutter life. What society dictates is the "norm" may or may not be right for you. Congrats!!! That takes courage. quote: I need to be clear that I’m not unhappy. In fact…right now I am very happy with my life. And---maybe that confuses me as well. I don’t have a relationship, no prospects for one and I’m only passively searching… but I’m ok with it. Sort of? I’m meeting a lot of great people in my local community, and I’m covering myself in kink… almost every weekend there is an event I’m involved in and I love it! I’m meeting people in real life that this works for, and it’s opening my eyes to great things. I sort of feel like, at this point… I still want a partner… but it’s not that big of a deal any longer? Maybe? (Do I really feel this way, or am I just at a stalling out point? Or an overload? Is this a quarter life crisis hitting me late?!) I feel like… If I meet someone… in order to catch my attention… He’s (Well, hell… He/She/They’re???) going to have to be phenomenal. And, to be honest… I want to be able to go to parties/events/clubs and do what I want to do and not have to worry about answering to someone or asking someone’s permission. I am reading a lot of guilt in this. What i see...you are letting go of the programming of what you "should" want and going for what you DO want. Annnnnd you are feeling guilty. If this is true...stop it, or in 50 years you will find yourself at the end of someone elses life. quote: But, what questions do I ask myself? How do I figure out what I really want? What do I do if the answers are “I don’t know”…what happens then? You are 30 yrs old. Some of the most interesting people i know are much older and don't know what they want...but they are happy, healthy and having a blast! Stop the inner conflict. Accept that you may not know what you really want and that there is nothing wrong with that. Think if life as a puzzle. You go along as you want, having fun...and suddenly there is a puzzle piece that fits the "what i want" picture. Embrace that piece and keep it close, then move on until you come across the next piece. Some of us complete our puzzles. Others do not. The completed puzzle does not matter in the end, but rather the journey to find the right pieces.

AmericanHoney -> RE: Growing Pains (7/20/2010 2:00:49 PM)
I know that when I left my husband, I was having a huge identity crisis. I had no idea what I wanted, or even who I was anymore. Did I want everything casual, or even anything at all again, inside or outside of the life. I went back and forth, questioned everything I thought I wanted, tried poly just to see, felt out the switch part of me a bit and just stretched my wings. It's a time I will always remember, but I have found that I still want everything. I want the husband, kids, picket fence, a few dogs, and a huge dungeon. I had times where I could have settled for less than that over the months, but my heart just wouldn't go there, I wasn't content, I was stressed out, even depressed. I never wanted to "settle", but was somewhat afraid that what I looked for was impossible. I have found someone that gives me those things, or rather he found me. We hadn't talked in months, I vanished from him during my confusion, but I took a chance and wrote him, telling him I was sorry and that I was confused at the time. We have since really found a connection, both of us wanting the same things. I know only time will tell us now, but I am glad I didn't ever change what I knew deep down I wanted..because it is possible. Good luck

Pseudonym123 -> RE: Growing Pains (7/20/2010 2:25:13 PM)
Thank you all so much for your thoughts. I will try and answer each of your questions and comments individually.

Pseudonym123 -> RE: Growing Pains (7/20/2010 2:27:22 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: peppermint quote: What do I do if the answers are “I don’t know”…what happens then? Then you go on as you are. You are happy. You sound as if you have a busy and social life. Go with the flow and enjoy the ride. This is the same advice I got from my friends... but this weekend I went to a submissives workshop and one of the leading themes is "Know Thyself". I'm afraid that ...while I know ME... I don't know what I want. How did you know what YOU wanted? If I may ask.. LOL

Pseudonym123 -> RE: Growing Pains (7/20/2010 2:29:11 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LaserKitty wow.. I can so relate to much of your post. Sadly, I don't know which questions to ask myself, either. Good luck. It seems there should be a set of questions that really get into the matter... right? Do you want X? Do you want Y? Do you want Z? LOL But the problem is... what if the answer to each is "YES"? ; )

lally2 -> RE: Growing Pains (7/21/2010 11:45:55 AM)
you must have some idea what you want and who you want those thing with. fact is you can go around and around on boards like this and at group workshops and all youre learning is theoretical knowledge. the only time you are ever really going to know what you want and what you dont want is to get youreself out there and physically find out.

NymphetamineGirl -> RE: Growing Pains (7/21/2010 4:56:41 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: sirsholly The completed puzzle does not matter in the end, but rather the journey to find the right pieces. dances and cheers

sexyred1 -> RE: Growing Pains (7/21/2010 5:09:21 PM)
OP, ask yourself this: Which is worse? Not knowing what you want and enjoying your ride or knowing exactly what you want and not being able to find it? I would choose the first option, but life gave me the second one.

Pseudonym123 -> RE: Growing Pains (7/21/2010 7:16:06 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: mstrjx Please allow me to pose further questions, that might either make your choices even more difficult, or allow for the self-introspection to become more focussed. Can you get what you want out of life being alone? That's certainly a choice that you seem to be making, but it seems you're not pleased with that. If you don't want to be alone, do you require a romantic relationship, or is companionship without some of the trappings enough for you? For instance, would you ever have the mindset that would allow you to become a sub or even a slave to another without any relationship expectations? You are getting some of those physical needs met by another; you get to submit to or serve another; you get the companionship you need; you are able to justify what is missing and come to peace with that finding that it wasn't as necessary as what you originally thought (for instance, you provide for yourself what you might not be getting from another). I'm not trying to make that sound any more cryptic than it needs to be, but it is a mindset that control freaks can use to serve but still hold that control internally. Hope this helps, or allows for further discussion. Jeff Hello Jeff, Thank you so much for taking the time to reply. Can I get what I want from being alone? No, I don't think so. To be honest, right now I think I am so happy because I am so busy, and everything is shiny and new. Once the gloss wears off, I'm afraid I'll start that itch of "I need to find someone". I'm not pleased with being alone because I DO want the companionship, sex, the relationship and all that stuff. Do you require a romantic relationship, or is companionship without some of the trappings enough for you? No. Call me greedy, but I want the whole deal. I want someone that wants to hold my hand, and ask my opinion as well as tell me what to do and have raunchy sex with. I want it all. While I am a helper, I like helping people and taking care of things... I see myself becoming resentful if I am only in service to someone without any romantic relationship, without --gak-- "LOVE" being there. Love in the traditional sense of 'I love you and am taking care of you' not "I love to take care of you'. The thing about being a control freak is this--- I WANT to let go. I want to give it all up. I just can't find someone that I think could handle it/ wants it/ could do a better job than me. I don't mean to sound like a b*tch, but my life is pretty awesome, and I'm not gonna kneel and offer it up on a platter to the first man that comes along, unless he's spectacular. I hope that I addressed your questions. I'm not really sure if I did, though... so if you need more clarification please let me know!

Pseudonym123 -> RE: Growing Pains (7/21/2010 7:48:31 PM)
Hi Holly! Thank you for taking the time to respond. My answers are below, in bold. quote: ORIGINAL: sirsholly quote: I’ve always thought that I wanted the “normal” package--- the relationship with a man (that happens to be a Dom) that leads to marriage, children, a dog and the white picket fence. With the dungeon in the basement, of course! Now I’m at the point where I wonder if I REALLY want that… or if I’ve just wanted it forever and everyone else has it/wants it…so I should too. And, I wonder … do I feel this way because I’m discouraged and tired of looking? Or is it because I really feel this way? I’m not upset… I’m not sure I’m feeling anything about searching for a partner. I feel like I’m at a “whatever happens, happens” point and that is very far from where I’ve always been I see this as more of a life issue than a BDSM issue. I think it is too, but my problem is with the BDSM manifestation. This is where I'm unsure and have lost direction. When young, we are all programmed to want certain things out of life...especially us women. Sure, there is the career focus, but there also is the husband, kids, and white picket fence. Whether we ACTUALLY want it or not, we say we do because it is expected of us. Maturity can change this....or not. But it certainly can make us stop and re-evaluate. That re-evaluation is borne of self confidence. You have the confidence to start to look around and realize perhaps you do not want the cookie-cutter life. What society dictates is the "norm" may or may not be right for you. Congrats!!! That takes courage. Well, thank you. But, it leaves me at a strange place. I feel like I'm having an identity crisis. quote: I need to be clear that I’m not unhappy. In fact…right now I am very happy with my life. And---maybe that confuses me as well. I don’t have a relationship, no prospects for one and I’m only passively searching… but I’m ok with it. Sort of? I’m meeting a lot of great people in my local community, and I’m covering myself in kink… almost every weekend there is an event I’m involved in and I love it! I’m meeting people in real life that this works for, and it’s opening my eyes to great things. I sort of feel like, at this point… I still want a partner… but it’s not that big of a deal any longer? Maybe? (Do I really feel this way, or am I just at a stalling out point? Or an overload? Is this a quarter life crisis hitting me late?!) I feel like… If I meet someone… in order to catch my attention… He’s (Well, hell… He/She/They’re???) going to have to be phenomenal. And, to be honest… I want to be able to go to parties/events/clubs and do what I want to do and not have to worry about answering to someone or asking someone’s permission. I am reading a lot of guilt in this. What i see...you are letting go of the programming of what you "should" want and going for what you DO want. Annnnnd you are feeling guilty. If this is true...stop it, or in 50 years you will find yourself at the end of someone elses life. quote: But, what questions do I ask myself? How do I figure out what I really want? What do I do if the answers are “I don’t know”…what happens then? You are 30 yrs old. Some of the most interesting people i know are much older and don't know what they want...but they are happy, healthy and having a blast! Yes, I've gotten that answer from a lot of people. sigh You're correct, I just feel like I need to have a goal. Some sort of plan. Keep my eye on the prize, so to speak. Stop the inner conflict. Accept that you may not know what you really want and that there is nothing wrong with that. What if I miss something great because I'm not focused? Because I'm not sure if that's what I want? Think if life as a puzzle. You go along as you want, having fun...and suddenly there is a puzzle piece that fits the "what i want" picture. Embrace that piece and keep it close, then move on until you come across the next piece. Some of us complete our puzzles. Others do not. The completed puzzle does not matter in the end, but rather the journey to find the right pieces. Ok, I totally like that idea. I'm going to keep that close. THANK YOU!

Pseudonym123 -> RE: Growing Pains (7/21/2010 8:10:40 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: AmericanHoney I know that when I left my husband, I was having a huge identity crisis. I had no idea what I wanted, or even who I was anymore. Did I want everything casual, or even anything at all again, inside or outside of the life. I went back and forth, questioned everything I thought I wanted, tried poly just to see, felt out the switch part of me a bit and just stretched my wings. This feels like where I am, but I've not had any terrible experience. I'm just confused. It's a time I will always remember, but I have found that I still want everything. I want the husband, kids, picket fence, a few dogs, and a huge dungeon. I had times where I could have settled for less than that over the months, but my heart just wouldn't go there That's how I feel. Even if I wanted to settle, I don't think I could. I wasn't content, I was stressed out, even depressed. I never wanted to "settle", but was somewhat afraid that what I looked for was impossible. I have found someone that gives me those things, or rather he found me. We hadn't talked in months, I vanished from him during my confusion, but I took a chance and wrote him, telling him I was sorry and that I was confused at the time. We have since really found a connection, both of us wanting the same things. I know only time will tell us now, but I am glad I didn't ever change what I knew deep down I wanted..because it is possible. Good luck Thank you so much for your perspective!

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