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Coming out ? - 7/17/2010 4:43:02 AM

Aneirin

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The act or notion of coming out as it is applied to the LGBT community, what is it's purpose ?

I ask as another website I visit regularly, dealing with a subject totally unrelated to the subject matter of this website there is a poster who keeps declaring to the world that they have to come out to their parents about their sexuality to which I have contributed saying as an adult, just what business is it of the person's parents what his sexuality is anyway, why the apparent need to tell them, I don't understand.

Now other posters have suggested the coming out thing is part of self acceptance, the act of letting ones parents know is about the self being comfortable with their sexuality, which still perplexes me as why the need to feel comfortable by telling others, why the need to seek approval even.

Now as the weeks have gone on this person on another website has no declared they are ready to confront the parents, but I ask is that fair, I mean he is ready, but his parents who knows, they might not be, or might not even want to know, is it fair to out of the blue assault your parents with this knowledge. I asked has the person considered what would happen if his parents took it badly, how would that make him feel about his self if his parents rejected his joy and what after, could he be guilty of causing ill feeling where there was not any before.

So I ask is this coming out thing even fair to others, particularly close family or the impressionable, do they consent to receiving this knowledge, or is it a case of they are being assaulted with such knowledge ?

< Message edited by Aneirin -- 7/17/2010 4:45:30 AM >

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RE: Coming out ? - 7/17/2010 5:01:23 AM

xxblushesxx

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Well if you are a man and you marry or partner with another man, your parents might notice eventually. Hence the need to "come out" about...perhaps not their sexuality, but about who they choose to spend their life with?

As far as bdsm stuff goes, it's not anyone's business but those who I choose to seek relationships with.

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RE: Coming out ? - 7/17/2010 5:12:29 AM

Aneirin

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Exactly, post legal guardian stage we are our own people and therefore can in all honesty make our own choices in life,if it shous happen that a person ends up living within a same sex partnership, relationship whatever, then outside observers can make their own decisions based on that. As to what they believe that is another thing, but theirs to decide, but it is none of their business anyway and so should not bother them. The resultant of everything that we do should be about our own happiness, others as well if that can be, but our own primarily.

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RE: Coming out ? - 7/17/2010 7:00:22 AM

pahunkboy

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The premise it to not have to lie to people who are close.

- in my case I was backed into a corner. I did not lie. It was some months of turmoil.

Today- I am glad -- tho there were growing pains.

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RE: Coming out ? - 7/17/2010 8:06:01 AM

DesFIP

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Parents worry when their children are of age, but not dating or settling down. They also at a certain point start pushing for grandchildren. If you aren't honest with what sex attracts you, then you don't ever get to be able to talk honestly with your parents. You can't visit frequently if you can't bring your partner. You can't invite them over because they'll see you're sharing your bedroom with another man. No going to family gatherings with support like weddings, funerals, anniversaries and so on.

Lying about this means you cannot have a partner because no one wants to be a dirty little secret.

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RE: Coming out ? - 7/17/2010 8:12:52 AM

pahunkboy

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even tho my out was limited to the immediate family- extended family has never asked me when was I going to settle down- have kids.

It just never came up.

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RE: Coming out ? - 7/17/2010 8:16:00 AM

DesFIP

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But if you're in love with someone, you want them to meet the other people who matter to you. You don't want to say "well I'm going to my mother's for Thanksgiving but you can't come". You don't want to tell them they have to get all their stuff out of the house because your mother is visiting for a few days. You want to enlarge your circle of loved ones by including all of them, not narrow it by not being able to talk to anyone honestly for fear of telling them the truth.

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RE: Coming out ? - 7/17/2010 8:25:04 AM

juliaoceania

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I had a friendship with a gay couple from Texas. Their mothers were in their 80s. Neither one "came out" to their mothers. It was not because they were in denial about themselves or ashamed of it, but they came from evangelical Christian backgrounds, and their mothers would have had a hard time accepting it.....

.... sooooo when they went back home to visit, each would stay with their own mother, and visit each other's homes like they were just best friends.... they did this out of love of their mothers...

I think it is a personal choice

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RE: Coming out ? - 7/17/2010 8:52:58 AM

willowspirit

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Aneirin, there's a real difference between one's "sexuality" and one's "Identity".
Yes, if all it is, is a "sexuality proclivity", then by all means, one's sexual preferences can be just as private as straights'/heterosexuals'/Vanillas' bedroom preferences.

BUT when a person's core Identity is involved, "Coming out" is often central to how a person is "seen" by other people in their lives. To many, this is what truly matters. They have a NEED to be seen for exactly who they are -- without pretense, openly, honestly -- by the other people who also matter in their lives.

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RE: Coming out ? - 7/17/2010 9:35:55 AM

pahunkboy

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quote:

ORIGINAL: juliaoceania

I had a friendship with a gay couple from Texas. Their mothers were in their 80s. Neither one "came out" to their mothers. It was not because they were in denial about themselves or ashamed of it, but they came from evangelical Christian backgrounds, and their mothers would have had a hard time accepting it.....

.... sooooo when they went back home to visit, each would stay with their own mother, and visit each other's homes like they were just best friends.... they did this out of love of their mothers...

I think it is a personal choice

I can see the logic here.

There are moments when it is best to leave it alone. Funny that Texas has any gay guys at all. They are pretty straight over there.

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RE: Coming out ? - 7/17/2010 9:39:59 AM

Level

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Hell pah, there is just as high a percentage of gay people here as anywhere, but it is harder for them, than many places.

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RE: Coming out ? - 7/17/2010 10:19:47 AM

sub4hire

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Aneirin

The act or notion of coming out as it is applied to the LGBT community, what is it's purpose ?

I would assume it is because they feel a certain amount of shame in who they are. They finally got up the nerve to tell others about who they are...so they "come out"
Which also helps during family and friend gatherings. They can take whomever they are with. Funerals as well as life in general. Usually our partners mean the most to us and if we don't tell others about them well when crisis take place they won't be involved.
I can definitely see why a person would come out. Myself, I prefer honesty. If you don't like who I am you don't have to be part of my life. It has worked this long I'm sure it will work the rest of my life.

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