I think bdsm has messed my head up (Full Version)

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submale25uk2007 -> I think bdsm has messed my head up (7/20/2010 8:33:43 AM)

I tried it recently for the first time, it was a few weeks ago and to be honest ive felt a mess ever since. The 'domme' was okay, but i just feel its wrong really and i wont be doing it again.

However, i feel emotionally damaged by it, like ive been abused almost and all my confidence/sense of humour seems to have drained out of me because of it, i doint feel half the man i did before i tried it, ive had a look on the net for some advice about it but i cant find any really, just wondered if anyone on here can give me some advice?

thanks



crazyml -> RE: I think bdsm has messed my head up (7/20/2010 8:36:29 AM)

I'm really sorry for your troubles.

I honestly don't know what to suggest. Talking to a close friend might help? If it's affecting your ability to function day-to-day perhaps you should enquire about counselling?

I'm sorry I can't offer more than that, and wish you well.



submale25uk2007 -> RE: I think bdsm has messed my head up (7/20/2010 8:37:23 AM)

thanks, ill prob consider counselling, im not looking to offend people on here or nothing like that but i guess it can effect people differently



RCdc -> RE: I think bdsm has messed my head up (7/20/2010 8:42:45 AM)

I would suggest you get some help and urge you to see your doctor to see a therapist - I know that is hard and a big step.
Other than that, your information is pretty vague and no one on here should help you on what you have just written alone.  Maybe try by asking something on here a bit more specific?

How long ago was this - it might be that you are hitting the down period?  Do you have anyone to talk to?

But my first suggestion is get medical assistance.  I would hesistate telling you to talk to anyone on here and taking advice, but if you just want to talk it out, there will be people willing to listen.

the.dark.



submale25uk2007 -> RE: I think bdsm has messed my head up (7/20/2010 8:45:52 AM)

hi,

it was about 2 weeks ago, ive just gone really dowhill since and feel really weak and a bit of a mess really, i was hoiping it would wear off but it doesnt seem to be doing

i do have people to talk to but to be honest ive kept it a secret so i wouldnt tell my friends about it as i think it would make me look pretty bad really



submale25uk2007 -> RE: I think bdsm has messed my head up (7/20/2010 8:47:39 AM)

i guess what i feel most is shame, i cant look people in the eye since it happend



DesFIP -> RE: I think bdsm has messed my head up (7/20/2010 8:50:58 AM)

Can you try journalling? Figuring out what exactly caused you to feel bad? Was it the physical stuff? Was she using humiliation?

It will be easier to offer help if you knew exactly what the problem is.



ourmsbetty -> RE: I think bdsm has messed my head up (7/20/2010 8:51:38 AM)

Ok, sounds to me like you may have tripped over an emotional issue you didn't know you had.

Did you negotiate the scene beforehand? Did you set limits? How well did you know her?

Go back over the scene. You do not need to tell us what happened, but tell yourself. Write it out. just the actions, what was done and what was said.

Put the writing aside. Come back to it later and make notes beside it about how each thing made you feel.  This will help you put it in perspective and maybe help you see just where these feelings came from.



RCdc -> RE: I think bdsm has messed my head up (7/20/2010 8:52:11 AM)

Honestly?  I would say that what you are feeling as a first time experience is more common than you may think.  I guess you subbed?  Was she a pro dom or lifestyle?

I would certainly not suggest you speaking to someone who is a friend who isn't aware of your orientation... I was thinking more a friend who is also a sub or maybe an understanding male dominant.

Its not unheard of having drop for weeks after - so that is another thing to consider.  Did you scene (bondage/play/sex etc) or was it a humiliation thing ?

the.dark.



DiurnalVampire -> RE: I think bdsm has messed my head up (7/20/2010 8:54:49 AM)

There is no reason to feel ashamed. You had an experiment. It didnt work out, but it isnt life-altering. You need to go tal to a councelor and have them help you sort out the feelings and learn how to dismiss them. You are not the first person to realize that they cannot reconcile their submissive feelings with their general feelings and get along well. Lots of self-doubt and shame are dredged up, even i they dont really need to be. A good councelor can help sort out and correct the issues you are having. You will be ok, just need to have someone trained in how to recognize and adjust things like that help you get started.

Just remember, though, that this was your reaction and think long and hard about pursuing any other fantasies once you get you head on right again. You dont want this to be a repeated issue following fantasies for you.

DV



BitaTruble -> RE: I think bdsm has messed my head up (7/20/2010 8:56:27 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: submale25uk2007

I tried it recently for the first time, it was a few weeks ago and to be honest ive felt a mess ever since. The 'domme' was okay, but i just feel its wrong really and i wont be doing it again.

However, i feel emotionally damaged by it, like ive been abused almost and all my confidence/sense of humour seems to have drained out of me because of it, i doint feel half the man i did before i tried it, ive had a look on the net for some advice about it but i cant find any really, just wondered if anyone on here can give me some advice?

thanks

My heart goes out to you, truly. What you have experienced and are experiencing, your reactions.. they aren't uncommon. For some, exploring their fantasy or fetish leads to incredible wonder and a lifelong enjoyment of BDSM but for others, like yourself, it leaves you feeling less than before you started so you are not alone.

It's okay to feel bad but it doesn't mean you can't still love yourself and recognize all that is within you which is good and kind. Hold on to that for now while you decide what your next course of action should be.. whether it is to seek professional help, talk to a friend or even just keep reading here to see what others have to say. You need to process and perhaps grieve if you feel like you've lost something which you once had .. but if you determine to allow this to educate you, to help you discover a part of yourself, even if it's part that you don't want to address again, that's growth and growth can be painful. If you are supposed to learn a lesson here, learn it and maybe one day you can be thankful and look back on your experience with appreciation for what you gain from it rather than saddness on what you believe you have lost. Your own perception will have much to do with how you evolve from here. Well wishes to you.



LastThoughts -> RE: I think bdsm has messed my head up (7/20/2010 8:58:17 AM)

Just a few notes of wisdom from this old mind on BDSM.

First, don't take anything anyone says on here seriously.  But I'm going to have to break that first rule to get to the others. /g/

BDSM is broken out into two parts.  Bondage / Domination and Sadism / Masochism.  The latter of which is purely physical space and even though it may involve another person(s) it's pretty much between you, yourself and your id.

But I think someone gave you the wrong brochure or perhaps you missed the fine print.  Bondage and Domination or D/s WILL mess with you head and underneath all this fluff and rope, that's why we're all here.  It's not just a tongue shoved between your lips, it's like running a tongue across someones mind for good OR bad.

It will leave a mark.  It will have an effect.  Its what drew you to it in the first place and more over, I wish your first experience had of been better.  They do get better and I might as well tell you now before you drift to deep down the rabbit hole.  The better they get, the harder it is when they dissipate.

It's one thing to have a horrible experience end, it's another thing altogether when something great comes to a close.  Personally, I'd rather the prior.

_LT



submale25uk2007 -> RE: I think bdsm has messed my head up (7/20/2010 8:59:40 AM)

hi,

yeah we did negotiate beforehand and she didnt do anything i said she couldnt but yeah it was humiliating and i did get whipped also arousing unfortunately but i still wish i hadnt done it as its obviously not for me, we did have sex too afterwards as well, its just ive started getting panic attacks now since then



submale25uk2007 -> RE: I think bdsm has messed my head up (7/20/2010 9:03:39 AM)

i also think i dislike the fact that ive let someone dominate me, i work for myself as i like being my own boss, so its like im in a bit of a confilct



antinomy -> RE: I think bdsm has messed my head up (7/20/2010 9:06:08 AM)

Great advice thus far, especially the journal.   It really helps to figure out why you are feeling ashamed.  Sometimes, we feel guilty about things because we are programmed to think they are wrong or bad.   I know,  for myself, part of the initial draw of the lifestyle was having a Dom so that I could have 'permission' to do things I felt that way about.   Heck, more than permission, sometimes a direct 'order'.  It took away some of my inhibitions.  Since then, I have come to accept the parts of me that are different from others.  I don't think of what I do as dirty, dark or degrading.  I'm just wired differently, and I can embrace that.   I still love having a Dom around to encourage me, appreciate those parts of me, but I no longer need the validation in order to allow myself to be a person who thrives in certain situation, and not so much in others.  Only you can decide where you belong, what you should be doing, and what feels right.   If this is not for you, that's cool- just don't beat yourself up over it (pun intended).  You learned something about yourself, you experimented, and it's okay.  The guy that's looking back at you in the mirror needs to cut you some slack; as I'm sure you would not be so hard on anyone else...



DesFIP -> RE: I think bdsm has messed my head up (7/20/2010 9:09:56 AM)

I thought it was going to be humiliation. That's a huge emotional trigger for lots of us.

Would it help if you talked to her, told her what was going on and got some reassurance that she didn't mean it, she just said it to get you arouse?. Because obviously that is why she said it, she hoped it would be a fun thing for you. She didn't really mean that you are undesirable, unlovable, just a sex toy, or whatever else she said. I strongly recommend talking to her for reassurance.

Beyond that, it may help to know that many people find humiliation valuable because it causes these same feelings you are now having. That if they can survive being told these things during intimacy, they find that no one at work or in their family who puts them down any longer has the power to hurt them. If you can think of it from this point of view, you may get through it easier. Wouldn't it be nice if the next time the sibling who always teases you can't get a rise from you? If instead you just roll your eyes and think "I've gotten worse from better people than you, you don't bother me".

But I strongly recommend journaling. Especially when you think a panic attack may come on. Try to identify the individual feelings. Shame at what. Guilt over what. Pinpointing the problem in detail is the first step in dealing with it. And if you do try this again, there's no shame at saying "no humiliation, that causes bad stuff".



ourmsbetty -> RE: I think bdsm has messed my head up (7/20/2010 9:21:50 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: submale25uk2007

i also think i dislike the fact that ive let someone dominate me, i work for myself as i like being my own boss, so its like im in a bit of a confilct


That's pretty common. I've seen a lot of male submissives struggle with that very issue.

Unfortunately you have to resolve it for yourself.

But here are a couple of things I've told new submissives in the past.

Sorry, I teach in analogies... can't seem to break the habit.

Discovering your submissive self is like adding a room onto your house. You do not lose anything, or shouldn't, you gain something. Everything you had and were before is still there, you've simply added something new.  If you can reach the point where you understand that you will feel better.

Also, try to understand that being strong, confident, and in charge in the outside world doesn't mean you can't be something else behind closed doors. And vice versa, being a submissive when alone with your Domme does not mean you are any less that take charge guy in the real world.  The two are not diametrically opposed.

More metaphors...

The two sides of you are the two sides of a coin, a yin and yang,  a night and day duality that isn't really a duality at all. Together they complete the circuit that is you.

Everyone needs sanctuary, a place to shut out the world and put their burdens down. The more in charge and in control you are out in the world the more you need the opposite sometimes.

Even Atlas took a vacation.

Go over the scene carefully, make sure nothing specifically did you harm, if it didn't take a step back and try to adjust to your new feelings.

If what happened felt good why isn't it for you?



ourmsbetty -> RE: I think bdsm has messed my head up (7/20/2010 9:26:01 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: LastThoughts

Just a few notes of wisdom from this old mind on BDSM.

BDSM is broken out into two parts.  Bondage / Domination and Sadism / Masochism. 
_LT



Actually I do believe that breakdown is supposed to be Bondage & Discipline /Dominance and Submission/Sado-Masochism

Not that that detracts from your point at all. It is still a very good one.



reynardfox -> RE: I think bdsm has messed my head up (7/20/2010 9:34:13 AM)

Different strokes for different folks



submale25uk2007 -> RE: I think bdsm has messed my head up (7/20/2010 9:48:31 AM)

quote:

If what happened felt good why isn't it for you?


Dont want to sound offensive but it just seems wrong to me, its frowned upon by most people and i think theres a reason for that, if i had kids and they were into it id feel like id let them down in all honesty, also if id done it and the next day i just went about my business unaffected by it all i probably wouldnt have made an isssue out of it but its affect myself as a person in too big a way, i met my friend earlier for example and i couldnt look him in the eye, i think he sensed something was wrong



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