|
theroebabe -> Deep Thoughts (9/22/2004 8:36:16 AM)
|
> Deep Thoughts
>
> 1) When I die, I want to die like my grandfather -- who died peacefully
>in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car."
> --Author Unknown
>
> 2) Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a
>headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: "Take two aspirin" and
>"Keep away from children"
> --Author Unknown
>
> 3) "Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support
>group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar."
> --Drew Carey
>
> 4)"Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't
>like and just give her a house,"
> --Rod Stewart
>
> 5)"The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable
>job, but if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end
>of the night, drop them off at the wrong house."
> --Jeff Foxworthy
>
> 6) "See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and
> only enough blood to run one at a time."
> --Robin Williams
>
> 7) "If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an
>infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even
>considering if there is a man on base."
> --Dave Barry
>
> 8) "What do people mean when they say the computer went down on them?"
> --Marilyn Pittman
>
> 9) "Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job, and we should
>treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they
>should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, and
>before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp."
> --Bob Ettinger
>
> 10) "My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in
>the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to
>teach you how to swim."
> --Paula Poundstone
>
> 11) "A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal
>skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: "Duh."
> --Conan O'Brien
>
> 12) "Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through
>my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God.... I could be eating a slow
>learner."
> --Lynda Montgomery
>
> 13) "I think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New
>York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't
>cold enough. Let's go west.'"
> --Richard Jeni
>
> 14) "If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators
>would be dead."
> --Johnny Carson
>
> 15) "Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography."
> --Paul Rodriguez
>
> 16) "My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty,
>and that's the law."
> --Jerry Seinfeld
>
> 17) "Remember in elementary school, you were told that in case of fire
>you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest.
>What is the logic in that? What, do tall people burn slower?"
> --Warren Hutcherson
>
> 18) "Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many. Monogamy is the same."
> --Oscar Wilde
>
> 19) "Suppose you were an idiot ... And suppose you were a member of
>Congress ... But I repeat myself."
> --Mark Twain
>
> 20) "Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At
>least they can find Afghanistan!"
> --A. Whitney Brown
>
> 21) "Ah, yes, divorce......., from the Latin word meaning to rip out a
>man's genitals through his wallet."
> --Robin Williams
>
> 22) "Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as
>the only time of the month that I can be myself."
> --Roseanne
>
> 23) "Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place."
> --Billy Crystal
>
> 24) "You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a
>look that says, ' My God, you're right! I never would've thought of that!'"
> --Dave Barry
>
> 25) Do you know why they call it "PMS"? Because "Mad Cow Disease" was
>taken.
> --Unknown, presumed deceased
>
>
|
|
|
|
