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Love in S&M Relationships - 7/21/2010 12:41:44 PM   
antinomy


Posts: 124
Joined: 3/7/2008
Status: offline 		This is not a question about if love is necessary in a sadomasochistic relationship. Nor is it a judgment about whether loving the person you play with is better/worse/non-consequential in a relationship. It is, however, aimed at people that identify love as being part of what they share with another in their S&M relationship. I’m asking because, until recently, I was very biased, without realizing it, against couples that (in my mind) ‘claimed’ to love each other, and yet participated in activities that were not my cup of tea. I admit (and apologize) to those people; as I am usually pretty open-minded. I just never really thought this all through before. I'm by no means new to all of this, and am rather bothered by the fact that I never questioned my own thoughts on the subject before.

I recently read something written by a masochistic slave, and she wrote about the intimacy that humiliation and pain can create. It got me thinking. Then, the other day, I saw a post on the boards by a sadistic top (no offence, but you guys usually scare the bejeesus outta me!)- where he described himself as a loving dominant who took great pleasure in a slaves tears. What he went on to write was beautiful. Again, something I had never considered.

So if you would be so kind as to indulge me:

Other than the sexual excitement (which, I’m sure is terrific in it’s own right)- what IS it about sadism or masochism that makes your relationship stronger? What does it bring with it that is unique, positive, and or thought provoking? Do you find a lot of people, even in the lifestyle, that just don’t “get” what you do, or why you do it? Really curious, and looking to get a better handle on it.

Thanks,

anti~

_____________________________

Who says size does not matter? Seeking a Dom with a very endowed lateral frontal cortex ...

We don't see things as they are, we see things as we are. Anais Nin
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: Love in S&M Relationships - 7/21/2010 12:50:13 PM   
AquaticSub


Posts: 14867
Joined: 12/27/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: antinomy

Other than the sexual excitement (which, I’m sure is terrific in it’s own right)- what IS it about sadism or masochism that makes your relationship stronger? What does it bring with it that is unique, positive, and or thought provoking? Do you find a lot of people, even in the lifestyle, that just don’t “get” what you do, or why you do it? Really curious, and looking to get a better handle on it.


I do not believe that it's the sadism and masochism that makes our relationship stronger - to me that would imply that relationships without these aspects are weaker for the lack of them. As for others, I can't say I've had too much trouble. There have been a few incidents where Valyraen and I had to go "No, that isn't what we are. This is what we are. It's not your place to label us." but that isn't really related to our sadist/masochist desires.

Why we do it? We do it because we enjoy it. I believe that us coming together and fulfilling each other's desires is what makes our relationship stronger.

_____________________________

Without my dominance you cannot submit. Without your submission I cannot dominate. You are my equal in this, though our roles are different.-Val

It was ok for him to beat me but then he tried to cuddle me! - Me

Member:Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair

(in reply to antinomy)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: Love in S&M Relationships - 7/21/2010 1:33:50 PM   
submissivemale22


Posts: 428
Joined: 3/4/2008
From: CinCity
Status: offline 		i dont see a lot of love in sadism. relationships that have a foundation based on fear cannot be loving in my view.

(in reply to antinomy)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: Love in S&M Relationships - 7/21/2010 2:16:16 PM   
FRSman


Posts: 5
Joined: 10/7/2009
Status: offline 		For me I think it brings a greater intimacy, trust and general closeness then I had in my vanilla relationships. One thing is that talking about sex is very comfortable and detailed where as with my vanilla relationships the conversations were not as long or as detailed and sex is so normalized in the relationships I have now. Its also kind of like we share a secret...lol which I dont think adds that much but it is sort of fun especially at things like the x-mass parties at work. I also like the aspect that in the vanilla world the average joe just does not qualify as anything. I also love knowing the greater emotional range of the emotions of the woman I am with and I am so much in tune with the woman s body and I can tell so much. When she is feeling sick I can cup her pussy and tell if she is getting a cold. If I cup her breasts I can tell when she is going to start her period. If the right nipple is harder then the left then she is thinking of emotional erotica if its the left she is thinking of the physical aspects of sex and if its both then she just down right horny. I can enjoy on so many different levels. Sometimes I just want to drink her in and I make her get on her knees on the floor within eye shot so I can drink her in or I can instruct her to be topless at the dinner table so I can enjoy the gentle fullness of her breasts as they rise and fall while we eat and talk. I have herd her laugh, beg for me and cry and all at the same time. I dont dream of the potential but act on my most wicked of thoughts making her the only thing that has fulfilled me completely. I know longer harbor angry feelings against a woman for doing something bad but rather let loose my anger in a very controlled manner where I am vindicated and can release her from any guilt that may affect the relationship.  I could go on... 

(in reply to AquaticSub)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: Love in S&M Relationships - 7/21/2010 2:53:05 PM   
littlewonder


Posts: 15659
Status: offline 		It brings emotions to the forefront.

It forces one to confront their fears and allow another in to share in those fears and apprehensions.

We pour all that we are into each other.

When this happens there's a shared intimacy and I can't and won't just give that over to anyone. It has to be with someone who I love and adore.


(in reply to FRSman)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: Love in S&M Relationships - 7/21/2010 2:57:39 PM   
juliaoceania


Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline
quote:

Other than the sexual excitement (which, I’m sure is terrific in it’s own right)- what IS it about sadism or masochism that makes your relationship stronger?


I think that sadomasochism can develop intimacy in unusual ways because when I am trusting someone to inflict pain upon me it is my deep signal that I want to be close to them, I accept them and trust them. Acceptance and trust are the cornerstones of intimacy. It is not that I think this is the only way one can show acceptance and trust (like those who are not into this), but it is a very compelling way for those of us who enjoy sadomasochism in the context of relating to our lover.


quote:

What does it bring with it that is unique, positive, and or thought provoking?


It is not exactly that I feel "torn down", but there is something about being "reduced" in some way, or maybe "emptied" is a better word, and then filled by the person whom I am letting get that close to me. They can call me names, whip me, use me roughly, and then with the utmost gentleness caress my face and tell me how beautiful I am, or how much they want me, or that they are proud of me while I am a pile of raw and exposed nerves... those caresses somehow go into me deeper... hard to explain.

quote:

Do you find a lot of people, even in the lifestyle, that just don’t “get” what you do, or why you do it?


I rarely discuss this with people, and the few I have seem to get that I enjoy it, and I do not expect them to "understand" it

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to antinomy)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: Love in S&M Relationships - 7/21/2010 4:49:54 PM   
kyraofMists


Posts: 3292
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: antinomy
Other than the sexual excitement (which, I’m sure is terrific in it’s own right)- what IS it about sadism or masochism that makes your relationship stronger? What does it bring with it that is unique, positive, and or thought provoking? Do you find a lot of people, even in the lifestyle, that just don’t “get” what you do, or why you do it? Really curious, and looking to get a better handle on it.


I perceive his sadism as an expression of his love for me. He will be more sadistic with Alandra and I because he loves us and because of how close the three of are with each other. Because he knows us so well, he knows how far he can push us.

I remember the first time he made love to me without hurting me, I cried. I cried because he did not hurt me and I wondered if it meant that he didn't want me anymore... That is my fucked up perception of his sadism. *eg*

Knight's Kyra

_____________________________

"Passion... it lies in all of us. Sleeping, waiting, and though unbidden, it will stir, open its jaws, and howl. It speaks to us, guides us... passion rules us all. And we obey..." ~Angelus

(in reply to antinomy)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: Love in S&M Relationships - 7/21/2010 7:59:42 PM   
laurell3


Posts: 6577
Joined: 5/5/2005
Status: offline 		I'm not sure I think it's stronger than any other relationship, it can be an expression of love like any other. It is also an incredibly vulnerable, raw and unadulterated surrender. There are no masks, no attempts to do or be anything other than who we are at that moment. Sharing that plunge into the depths with someone is an absolutely emotionally intimate, bonding and melding experience for me. Imagine allowing your partner to get every bit of pleasure they can from your body and then express their acceptance, approval, gratitude and love for that act and you getting the same pure joy and agonizing pleasure from it and from their pleasure, and you may have a small snippet of what it is like.

Contrary to what people may believe that view it negatively, it is, for me, incredibly tender and uniquely intimate even in it's violence. With regard to others reactions, it is something I used to worry about, I don't any longer. I find that attempting to explain it to someone that doesn't live it is near to impossible and I cannot really blame them for having concern from their vantage point.

_____________________________

I cannot be defined by moments in my life, but must be considered for by the entirety of my existence.

When you fail to consider that I am the best judge for what is right for me, all of your opinions become suspect to me.

(in reply to antinomy)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: Love in S&M Relationships - 7/21/2010 8:19:13 PM   
gungadin09


Posts: 3232
Joined: 3/19/2010
Status: offline 		You know how in times of crisis people just drop all their petty bullshit and focus on what matters? i think of BDSM like that. It's so honest and pure. It's elemental. In these moments we become the most ourselves. We let go of all the crap that just distracts us for most of our lives, and completely expose ourselves to another person. i think that both Doms and subs do that, they expose themselves. Allowing someone else to see this vulnerable side, the side that no one else sees, is what brings two people together. i don't know if it always results in "love". But it's a special kind of closeness that can't be achieved (i don't think) by any other means.

pam

(in reply to laurell3)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: Love in S&M Relationships - 7/21/2010 8:23:40 PM   
Chrisincuffs


Posts: 602
Joined: 12/7/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: antinomy

This is not a question about if love is necessary in a sadomasochistic relationship. Nor is it a judgment about whether loving the person you play with is better/worse/non-consequential in a relationship. It is, however, aimed at people that identify love as being part of what they share with another in their S&M relationship. I’m asking because, until recently, I was very biased, without realizing it, against couples that (in my mind) ‘claimed’ to love each other, and yet participated in activities that were not my cup of tea. I admit (and apologize) to those people; as I am usually pretty open-minded. I just never really thought this all through before. I'm by no means new to all of this, and am rather bothered by the fact that I never questioned my own thoughts on the subject before.

I recently read something written by a masochistic slave, and she wrote about the intimacy that humiliation and pain can create. It got me thinking. Then, the other day, I saw a post on the boards by a sadistic top (no offence, but you guys usually scare the bejeesus outta me!)- where he described himself as a loving dominant who took great pleasure in a slaves tears. What he went on to write was beautiful. Again, something I had never considered.

So if you would be so kind as to indulge me:

Other than the sexual excitement (which, I’m sure is terrific in it’s own right)- what IS it about sadism or masochism that makes your relationship stronger? What does it bring with it that is unique, positive, and or thought provoking? Do you find a lot of people, even in the lifestyle, that just don’t “get” what you do, or why you do it? Really curious, and looking to get a better handle on it.

Thanks,

anti~


There is no question my Master and I would be closer than close no matter what lifestyle we chose. The difference is that we were both inexperienced with our fantasies until we met each other. We had both experimented here and there with BDSM, but had grown into this lifestyle together. The pain and pleasure, the give and take, the tears and the moans are all things that I share only with him. This intimacy has brought us to such an inexplicable level in our relationship....It really is a very beautiful thing.


_____________________________

No kind of sensation is keener and more active than pain it's impressions are unmistakable. -Marquis DeSade

(in reply to antinomy)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: Love in S&M Relationships - 7/21/2010 9:12:28 PM   
NuevaVida


Posts: 6707
Joined: 8/5/2008
Status: offline 		There is incredible intimacy in this sharing of each other.  He knows I will splay myself open to him for the taking, and will receive whatever he wants to dish to me, and I know he can push me hard and overpower me and take me in a most primal way. For us it's as if our hearts and spirits open up and feed each other, and our worlds connect in some other level.  And when it's over and he scoops me up in his arms, I bury myself in him for replenishment.  We feed each other and we feed off each other.  The bond strengthens.

_____________________________

Live Simply. Love Generously. Care Deeply. Speak Kindly.



(in reply to antinomy)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: Love in S&M Relationships - 7/21/2010 9:50:05 PM   
porcelaine


Posts: 5020
Joined: 7/24/2006
Status: offline 		anti,

I no longer make value assignments in regard to the things he does to me. It is neither good nor bad, but manifestations of his presence and possession that he bestows upon his property. It is both a privilege and an honor to endure the sufferance in the way one eagerly embraces soft expressions of love. His sadism is the force that heightens my vulnerable state. What others view as hardship I consider great fortune. The offenses are bittersweet kisses that awaken my person and redefine servitude as a whole. Through his hand I rediscover the meaning of ownership and the importance of aligning and digesting my Keeper's appetite in the process.

~porcelaine


_____________________________

His will; my fate.

(in reply to antinomy)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: Love in S&M Relationships - 7/21/2010 11:10:54 PM   
AlexandraLynch


Posts: 778
Joined: 3/24/2008
Status: offline 		I love you so much I want to eat you up.
I love you so much I want to see all of you. Some people I can see all of them through pleasure, and them I don't hurt much. But most people have doors inside that are only opened with keys of pain, and I want to open all the doors and see what's inside. I want to know.

And the thing to remember is that I can't open my submissive's doors without opening my own. In the end, we will be naked in soul with each other, and know all of each other's hidden nature. And what can be more wonderful than that? I cannot help but love that.



_____________________________

I use fastreply. Don't take offence where none is meant.

Just because I'm not a bitch doesn't mean I'm not perfectly capable of making sure you'll be very sorry if you disobey.

(in reply to porcelaine)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: Love in S&M Relationships - 7/22/2010 2:04:50 AM   
lally2


Posts: 2621
Joined: 4/16/2009
Status: offline 		there is no one else in my life right now i would give myself to in that way other than Him (so for me it is different)  who else is going to reduce me to tears because He knows i need to be and then hold me afterwards and know that what we have shared is completely unique to us.  who else is going to know me well enough to hold me down when im squirming and struggling and take me all the way without bottling out.  the fact that i can Trust Him that much to hurt me enough but not too much and enjoy His freedom while rebuilding my freedom again and again.

many people say that sex isnt necessary after BDSM play.  it fills a core need that is fulfilling to both and yet it can be just as intimate and just as bonding as loving sex.  its just another need we have to express our surrender and their Dominance.  its just that at that moment a subs surrender is peeked and the Dominants control of that surrender is peeked.  its a way of expressing youre surrender under duress and whilst that duress is something you need it is, nontheless hard at times to stay put and take it.  you do because you need to and because youre Dominant looks for that depth of need and surrender from you.



_____________________________

So all I have to do in order to serve him, is to work out exactly how improbable he is, feed that figure into the finite improbability generator, give him a fresh cup of really hot tea ... and turn him on!

(in reply to AlexandraLynch)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: Love in S&M Relationships - 7/22/2010 2:24:28 AM   
ranja


Posts: 2111
Joined: 11/1/2007
Status: offline 		He does the things He does to me because He loves me... i take this attention from Him because i love Him... i need this type of affection from Him and He loves giving it to me that way...

i do have poly tendencies: i would like to be shared... but only if  my Husband would 'pimp' me... the whole bdsm thing with just anybody else would not mean jack unless my Husband is just as pervertedly involved with it as i am... alas He won't share me physically... He knows my slutty thoughts on this though

(in reply to antinomy)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: Love in S&M Relationships - 7/23/2010 9:42:42 AM   
phoenixmoonn13


Posts: 398
Joined: 6/11/2010
Status: offline 		ahving been in a vanilla marrage for 26 years and never trully trusing my ex and certainly would never have trusted him in any form of s and m activity and i had a level of love for him gives me a perspective on my rlationship with my master we have been together nearly two years living together nearly a year and i love him deeper than i ever loved my ex i trust him complelty as he trusts me. his knowledge of me and my reactions and the deep trust and openness means we can be trully ourselves and open to eachother, he knows my need for pain my need for his dominance and his need to make me happy and to be my master fuel our love and it is the most amazing beautiful thing i have ever ever felt and our dynamics work ideally for us both and our kids both from sperate marrages they have no idea as to our relationship all they see is love and trust and commitment to each other. but we have so much more than that our hobbies are similar our ideas our outlook are so intwinded the s&m just adds so much to us

(in reply to ranja)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: Love in S&M Relationships - 7/23/2010 10:08:02 AM   
OttersSwim


Posts: 2860
Joined: 9/1/2008
Status: offline 		Her strokes are a way of expressing her love for me.  I accept them as a way of expressing my love for her.  Therein, is one way that our love is made manifest - through excitement, through pain, through tears, and through joy.  When we are done, we feel so close.  There is a golden cord that binds us together, her heart, and mine.  The aftermath of the event shoots sparks through the days that follow.

_____________________________

I am on a journey of authenticity and self.

(in reply to antinomy)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: Love in S&M Relationships - 7/23/2010 10:18:15 AM   
LadyNTrainer


Posts: 1584
Joined: 5/20/2009
Status: offline 		In a word, intensity.

Best I've been able to describe it is in this excerpt from my perverse ramblings.


There are oceans in his eyes, and sometimes I think I could drown in them. Their salinity is in equal parts of love and fear, adoration and intimidation. Impossible not to plunge into them, to explore the fascination of their depths, and to be caught in their dark undertow. There is no defense against utter surrender.

Formidable, the hold he has over me when he is naked and trembling and vulnerable. I cannot look away; my eyes are locked into place as securely as his collar. Powerless and surrendered, he is totally powerful, totally compelling. The grace and beauty of him at times is enough to break my heart, and to make it whole again.

He is John Barleycorn, consort and sacrifice. He is brutally degraded and taken for the most profane of uses, and thus a god worthy of worship and reverence. Crucified in leather, his flesh is violated and sanctified, celebrated and decorated by the bright blood roses of our passion. His body is the altar at which I worship. It is the sacred paradox, and it is the deepest truth and the greatest beauty that I can know in this life.

I am the respectful penitent and the savage goddess, and the scourge rises and falls to glorify as much as to humble. I am as deeply reverent as I am merciless to the sacrifice. Dea gratias, forever and ever, amen.

The sheer intensity of taking a consenting submissive and making him hurt and cry and suffer for me, the power and passion that is as hot and raw as the living hearts the Aztecs once tore from the chest of a willing sacrifice, that is what feeds me and fuels the flames of my desire. The naked vulnerability of him afterwards, when he trembles and cannot stand, and his eyes are so wide and dark and full that they look bruised. These are the things I am awed by and profoundly grateful for. And my eyes must be a mirror to his, I think, for this is the altar at which I worship.

It excites me, his willingness to be utterly naked and rawly vulnerable. It is for me, all for me. He is mine. He trembles on my chain and gasps for breath between hard slaps and caresses as gentle as a whisper, savage kisses and bites that leave him bruised and whimpering. I break his skin. Bright blood rubies, the most precious jewels of all, his unreserved gift to me. Who among us would not be moved?

He offers me the blank canvas of his skin and lets me paint it in cerulean and crimson. I could ask for no better present. The jewels I like best are the bright strings of tiny ruby beads that are born in the wake of my blade, etched into beautifully yielding flesh. There are no flowers as lovely as the delicate rose petals that bloom on his white sheets after a heavy caning. He bleeds for me. There is no greater love than this.

_____________________________

Your dominant Personal Trainer for fitness and body shaping in the lifestyle. Let my fetish be your motivation.

(in reply to antinomy)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: Love in S&M Relationships - 7/23/2010 10:29:58 AM   
MHAP


Posts: 58
Joined: 9/17/2009
Status: offline 		Love? ..
mmmmm

I guess its possible...
but like other "rare things" (supernova's, blackhole's, honesty) .....

I have never see one myself..... total commitment..total belief..total acceptance. total surrender to another........

like most great ideals is so profound a concept i think humans/mortals have not evolved enough to embrace such things...

(in reply to OttersSwim)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: Love in S&M Relationships - 7/23/2010 1:18:56 PM   
OttersSwim


Posts: 2860
Joined: 9/1/2008
Status: offline 		Who said anything about total anything? 

I was talking about a love relationship between two people wherein they have D/s as a foundational tenet of their relationship.  There are no guarantees, no totals, and very few absolutes.

"Do you love me today?" 
"Yes..."
"Okay, good enough!"

 


_____________________________

I am on a journey of authenticity and self.

(in reply to MHAP)
Profile   Post #: 20
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