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CERCKL -> RE: D/S versus Passive/Aggressive (4/18/2006 10:41:14 PM)
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quote:
You're exactly right- taking time outs can be extremely useful tools of communication, taking time to take perspective is an excellent idea.
But that's not usually what's going on- it's usually the dom just having a pout-fest, training the sub not to push the buttons he doesn't want to or is incapable of actually dealing with and couching it in a "It's my way so it's the right way and you're the sub so deal and accept" deal.
Ultimately, it always crumbles. But it can go for a loooong time before then
Oh absolutely as long as the situation was addressed! If I knew that it was the (hypothetical) 'his' style to handle things that way, then yes- I could very well understand. I was only referring to the scenerios where the problem was just scooped under the rug and never dealt with. That is probably one of the only lasting screwed-up things about my childhood that haunts me to this day ... my mother never wanting to deal with crap so she refused to discuss it .... EVER. So, that is why I said I would shut down, but only in the case that it wasnt talked about later.
OK, so screwing with putting in multiple quotes again...I think it's the difference between Mozilla and IE...oh well.
I wanted to deal with both LA and enthralled's thoughts though. I do agree that a lot of Dom's might end up 'puting' as stated and get into a My Way Sinatra trip...it's a lot easier this way. Obey. Period. This very well may work in certain dynamics...that's great. All I can do though is refer to myself and my personal experience...to me communication is very much a cornerstone of any relationship...even play; as in here too is a relationship, an interaction, even if the roles are decided and there is no communication before or after play, this should have been reached by mutual consent, hence communication...
With what I perceive being addressed in my being responded to, I was speaking more of a 'relationship' and issues need to be addresses...I am still in the process of emerging from the end of a relationship where communication was never satisfactorily reached; all were miserable, always second guessing, finally never addressing...then you end up with a very large elephant standing in the hallway which you need to walk around but nobody is willing to admit lives there.
I have found that if highly (negatively) charged issues are dealt with through 'fighting' then things are said more in a spirit of harming than being constructive.
At this time I am in the process of building a relationship with lotus, and this means a lot to me...there is a lot of previous harm to deal with, on both sides; a lot of dealing with instinctive defenses being placed. and expectations that I will be like the 'others' (Goddam, I loathe being compared to anyone else...) This is a (painfully) slow process attempting to emerge from a very sudden and intense situation...plus my own natural intensity doesn't do much to calm the situation. This is also a very overtly D/s framed relationship; nonetheless, being the 'D' part...I still find it needed not only to listen to her concerns, fears, doubts, needs but to try to access them, process them and to recognize which aspects she needs to conquer on her own and which areas I can help guide her through or just be supportive in. There has been more discussion, examination, processing in the last five weeks with lotus than I experienced during my previous relationship of over twelve years...and to be honest, it has been quite exhausting for both of us...but with out it, it's back to what enthralled referred to and it would never be dealt with...and I would be back to an elephant in my hallway again.
....then again, I'm not a 'real' Dom, so ignore this post <g>.
C
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