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What should I know before going on a Play Date with a Dom - 7/22/2010 9:04:54 PM

sexylady2010

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Joined: 2/1/2010
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What should I know before going on a play date with a Dom who I meet online? What precautions should I take? I am a fairly new submissive, I'm married but my husband isn't part of the BDSM scene. I had online training with a Dom from the UK for about three month and I'm still curious about a lot of things BDSM related. I miss submitting to a Dominant, I want to give myself in a Dom's hands and let him show me how far I can go with my submission. My husband wanted to learn to be my Dom but that attempt failed when he revealed that he couldn't give me what I need (Bondage, Discipline). We live in a small town so discretion is very important. I met a submissive who is married like me but they have an open marriage, she has her play dates and he has his, I told my husband about them and he is willing to let me go on play dates since he can't provide for my submissive needs. I just don't want to blindly go to someone's place or meet them at some hotel without getting to know them and maybe get some help on the type of precautions I should take before and during a play date. I know about having a "safe call" in place, and find out as much as I can about the Dom I'm interested in, my husband also said that he wants to meet the Dom before the play date. Is there anything else I should be aware of, any other safety measures I can take? Any help would be greatly appreciated, thank you.

Post #: 1

RE: What should I know before going on a Play Date with... - 7/22/2010 9:07:39 PM

sunshinemiss

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How do you know this dude?

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RE: What should I know before going on a Play Date with... - 7/22/2010 9:22:44 PM

sexylady2010

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Joined: 2/1/2010
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I've met him on this site, he messaged me a couple month ago and every so often he comes on to check how I'm doing. I told him in our last conversation that I am looking for a play date and he offered to be mine. He sounds very nice and I'm interested, but I don't want to jump into something without at least some feedback on what to look out for. Does that make sense? I hope so.

(in reply to sunshinemiss)

Post #: 3

RE: What should I know before going on a Play Date with... - 7/22/2010 9:36:07 PM

juliaoceania

Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline

what are you interested in, casual play or a relationship.... your answer will direct mine

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Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to sexylady2010)

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RE: What should I know before going on a Play Date with... - 7/22/2010 9:45:54 PM

sexylady2010

Posts: 11
Joined: 2/1/2010
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I am looking for casual play only, I want to experience what it's like to submit to a Dom in a safe setting, I want to explore the aspects of BDSM I am curious about and I am taking it very serious, I'm not looking for kinky sex but the real meaning of submission. I don't know if a casual play date will fulfill that void but I don't want to leave my husband so this will have to be it.

(in reply to juliaoceania)

Post #: 5

RE: What should I know before going on a Play Date with... - 7/22/2010 10:21:52 PM

juliaoceania

Posts: 21383
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From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
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I can't view your profile because something is wrong with the site...

I hope you discussed this with hubby, that is the first part of being "safe"

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Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to sexylady2010)

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RE: What should I know before going on a Play Date with... - 7/22/2010 10:23:01 PM

mstrjx

Posts: 2045
Joined: 11/27/2005
Status: offline

I waffling on this.

I understand you are married. I'm not having a problem with that. And I don't say I have a problem with your situation at all, but when I see that you have a dialogue every so often, I wonder how well you know him. Then I go back to the fact that you're married, and I realize that you can't (in a practical sense) be chatting or phoning or what have you every day as a budding couple might.

In all likelihood, everything will be fine. I've been the guy that people met online. I've been the guy that a dom would set up (as a 'blind date') to meet and play with his sub (they approach me, I don't bogart OPP's). I've always been the respectful one that turns out well for play dates. Hopefully your experience will be just like that.

And that you find what you are looking for. Have fun.

Jeff

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Know thyself. It's the best gift you can ever give yourself.

(in reply to sexylady2010)

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RE: What should I know before going on a Play Date with... - 7/22/2010 10:39:11 PM

sexylady2010

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Joined: 2/1/2010
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My husband knows about the Dom and is okay with it, he did say that he wants to meet the Dom before-hand. Yes, we've only been chatting off and on but I'm working on changing that. I definitely want to know more about the Dom before agreeing to meet him, and what I understand by reading some of the forum on here I should meet publicly first to see if we even click. I am planning on having fun but would also like to stay safe. Thank you all for your input so far, I think I have an idea how to approach a play date safely, but I am grateful for any further advice someone wants to give me.

(in reply to mstrjx)

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RE: What should I know before going on a Play Date with... - 7/22/2010 10:53:49 PM

LadyPact

Posts: 32566
Status: offline

I'm not a submissive, but I do have some suggestions for you.

I would suggest that you get yourself a copy of "The New Bottoming Book". It doesn't sound like you have any real life experience and that book can help you in a number of ways.

I would also suggest that the four of you meet for lunch before anyone agrees that there will be a play date. That's for you, your husband, the potential Dom, and his wife to all sit face to face so everyone knows about the arrangement. Everybody needs to be ok with this.

Start talking with your husband about what kind of parameters are acceptable and not acceptable in going forward. You've already mentioned that there won't be any sex. Have you thought about other aspects, such as how much time will be ok for you to play, chat, send emails, and so on? You might also want to ask him about things like how he feels about marks and bruises. Remember, even though you are going to play with someone else, this still effects his life, too. (Should you ever have a case of sub drop when you are at home with your husband, this will become very apparent.)

I wrote a thread a while back about transitioning from monogamy to poly. While your situation is just play, there might be some sections of it that would be helpful to you. http://www.collarchat.com/m_2992857/tm.htm

Best of luck to you.

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(in reply to sexylady2010)

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RE: What should I know before going on a Play Date with... - 7/22/2010 11:24:10 PM

sexylady2010

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Joined: 2/1/2010
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thank you LadyPact, I will check on the book and will also check out your thread. Your suggestions are very helpful, my husband knows about bruising and marking and he accepts this as part of a BDSM scene, but you are right, we definitely have to talk more so there won't be any hurt or jealous feelings creeping up on us. I will take my time and make sure I am comfortable and feel safe with the Dom. Thank you so much for your help.

(in reply to LadyPact)

Post #: 10

RE: What should I know before going on a Play Date with... - 7/23/2010 9:30:14 AM

juliaoceania

Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline

You are a lucky lady to have a husband that is understanding....

Could I also recommend that in your case going to public venues might be a good idea? Munches are a great place to meet people for casual play, they are public, and you would meet people who do this that can give you even further advice that would benefit you. You could take your husband if he was willing to go, since munches are about food and companionship it might be fun for both of you

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to sexylady2010)

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RE: What should I know before going on a Play Date with... - 7/23/2010 10:31:45 AM

sexylady2010

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Joined: 2/1/2010
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I thought Munches might be a way to go, thank you for the suggestion, we live fairly close to a city that holds munches frequently so I could talk to my husband about maybe attending one of them.

(in reply to juliaoceania)

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RE: What should I know before going on a Play Date with... - 7/23/2010 11:28:24 AM

lally2

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Joined: 4/16/2009
Status: offline

it might be a tad 'out there' but since youre hubby wants to meet him, why dont you suggest he comes to youre house. they can meet, youre husband can leave if he's comfy and go for a pint or something.

in my experience being at home makes it all so much more relaxing and easy. ive never never had anyone abuse their knowledge of where i live and if you feel this man is decent and straight id maybe consider that option.

_____________________________

So all I have to do in order to serve him, is to work out exactly how improbable he is, feed that figure into the finite improbability generator, give him a fresh cup of really hot tea ... and turn him on!

(in reply to sexylady2010)

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RE: What should I know before going on a Play Date with... - 7/23/2010 12:44:35 PM

sublizzie

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Joined: 5/26/2004
Status: offline

Going to munches is a good idea. Going with your husband to a play party and playing with the other guy there is also probably going to be safer. More people around generally means more safety. I'd have my husband with for a play session, or at least very close by, the first time or 2. Don't know if he'd be okay with just watching or if it would bother him but if he was there it would be much safer for you. (I know Santa was able to watch someone play with me at a play party, partly because he was learning more about how to do stuff.)

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(in reply to lally2)

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RE: What should I know before going on a Play Date with... - 7/24/2010 12:45:09 AM

buttonsss

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Joined: 7/17/2010
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Something that was recommended to me about playing with new people...find/join a local BDSM club and play at parties, at least the first few times, until you get to know each other better and more trust is established. This didn't appeal to me at first because I'm not much into exhibitionism, but after I thought about it for a while it did feel much safer...knowing that if something goes wrong, or the person is not what they seemed, there will be others around to intervene.

And, as a few people here have mentioned, definitely have a sit down with your husband and any potential Dom before play.

(in reply to sublizzie)

Post #: 15

RE: What should I know before going on a Play Date with... - 7/24/2010 11:54:59 AM

sexylady2010

Posts: 11
Joined: 2/1/2010
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Thank you everyone, your suggestions have been very helpful, at least now I feel a little more prepared. You all made very good points and I will definitely take them into consideration before making a play date. Thank you again for taking the time to answer my question and giving me advice.

(in reply to buttonsss)

Post #: 16

RE: What should I know before going on a Play Date with... - 7/24/2010 4:58:10 PM

NymphetamineGirl

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Joined: 11/29/2009
Status: offline

There are many pitfalls with what you attempting and it is a slippery slope. Even if you all sit down and meet and everyone thinks this is great, there is no guarantee that everyone will feel that way afterward. Read as much as you can and be very careful, and be extremely certain that the emotional risk is worth it.

(in reply to sexylady2010)

Post #: 17

RE: What should I know before going on a Play Date with... - 7/24/2010 11:34:39 PM

WtfRandom

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Joined: 1/1/2010
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As someone who has a similar set-up with my SO, I agree that you should have some form of confirmation that this man and his wife are good at sharing.

When I meet a guy IRL, I have him text or e-mail me his full name, and I text or e-mail it to my SO or a close friend. I meet said guy in a public space, and have a phone call set up with SO or friend before-hand. I`ll say "When 6 PM rolls around, call me. If I don`t pick up or call you back within half an hour, call the police." I also tend to have a phrase that basically means I need help. I usually use "How are the cats?" or "Are you taking your car into the shop?" or something equally benign. If the mood is right and the date moves to another location, take separate cars if possible so if you need to leave, you can. And I always have a fully charged phone and carry enough money for a cab.

I usually carry a switch blade on me, too, so if all else fails, I've got that. :) That`s my advice.

(in reply to NymphetamineGirl)

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RE: What should I know before going on a Play Date with... - 7/26/2010 12:10:58 AM

sexylady2010

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Joined: 2/1/2010
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thank you for your advice. I did discuss with my husband about having a safe call set up with code words for I'm fine or I need help, we also talked about him staying close by in case he has to come get me. We're just in negotiations now so it'll be a while yet before an actual play session. I want to make sure that all safety precautions are in place, plus I still have to find out more information before proceeding, I just asked for a picture of him. I am definitely not rushing into this, I too want to make sure that my husband is fully aware of what will happen and that he's okay with this. If I feel that this would jeopardize our marriage than I'd rather not take that step and we'll figure out something else. You've all been a big help so far, thank you so much.

(in reply to WtfRandom)

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RE: What should I know before going on a Play Date with... - 7/27/2010 4:05:36 PM

dragon200070

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Joined: 2/9/2010
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Read on precautions like safety calls, meeting in public the first time, and having someone who knows what's going on. Meet him in public the first time or two; you should have no unsafe feelings. A good Dom will want you to be at ease with him. Do not play for a while. Watch pornography to realize what's possible and find what you like. Look for signs that he's concerned about your safety, like asking if you remember your safe word. Talk to subs to see how they guaranty their safety.

Good Luck,
Jeff

(in reply to sexylady2010)

Post #: 20

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