SthrnCom4t
Posts: 343
Joined: 9/9/2007
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Long post -you might want to get some milk and cookies to dunk :)
quote:
ORIGINAL: hangdog
Hi there. I'm a newcomer... kind of. I've been 'lurking' the lifestyle for a long time. A really long time. If anyone remembers alt.bdsm on USENET, that would give you an idea. Sorry I don't have a picture up yet- I'm working on that.
So, who am I? First off, I'll throw out that I'm married. No playing around on that issue. No, she doesn't know. That's kind of the point, and I'll explain:
The allure of this lifestyle for me isn't about sex, it's about the issues of control or non-control. I have a small business, and between that and a spouse who constantly depends on me for everything and can almost not even tie her shoes without me, good god I need a break. Heading off to the bar or out on the boat... well, that's maybe a 2-hour *escape*, but it's not a *break*. Does that make sense?
So, what I think I'm really seeking is a break from being in control, and to be controlled as therapy, catharsis, whatever it is. If I were pay a professional domme, I would view it like a psychotherapy appointment. That being said, what specifics would I be into? Rope play? CBT? Denial? Sensory deprivation? I can't say 100%. I think I know which things intrigue me, which things look kind of boring, and which things are just... ewww. But the items in the first category (what intrigues me), I can't really say for sure until I try them. And to be honest, that first step is a bit scary.
I know the best way probably to get the feet wet is to find a munch and a no-participation-required play party to attend. (Many thanks BTW to MisterMichael for sending info about the Louisville thing this weekend.. in fact, it was probably your email that propelled me to post, because I so wish I could take the time to attend- just too short a notice!). So I'll keep my eyes open for another upcoming one.
So, thanks to everyone and thanks to whoever put up the site, it's a really great site.
Hangdog - welcome to the forums.
I've read the responses so far, and there haven't been any surprises. This is a great opportunity for you, and you'll get lots of feedback to process.
People are attracted to power exchange for many reasons, as I'm sure you've surmised over the years as an observer. (not in any particular order - sexual fetish, desire to please, desire to explore personal boundaries, desire to nurture, desire to experience intense sensation/find an altered state of consciousness/shut down the brain, etc)
Because of past choices, you're now finding yourself in a position which you find very stressful. You've identified some possible 'solutions' to your immediate and most pressing problem, and you're seeking another individual to help meet your need.
From someone who has been in your shoes (check previous postings), I'll share that you are seeking an aspirin for a repetitive-stress related injury. If you are looking for a temporary solution, with a WHOLE LOT of bad side effects, you are on the perfect path. However, there are better, long term options, if you care to consider them.
What I took away from your posting, is that there are positive and negative attributes to your current marital relationship. You also state you are looking to 'give up control'.
A bit of history - when I met Otters, he and his wife were exploring poly. Being quite independent myself, I was amazed at the obvious 'inability to care for herself' traits, it seemed his wife appeared to suffer from. On the flip side, Otters is a very loving, nurturing person who loves to please. Not weak by any stretch, he very much 'takes care of' his partner.Considering this, fast forward 17 years, and now their dynamic made sense. His sense of satisfaction from taking care of her, was in fact, enabling her 'helplessness'. I tell you this, OP, because it's very likely, that your current dynamic was created jointly and unknowingly by both you and your wife. If this is now causing you stress, you can proactively, honestly, work toward bringing that into balance. (not the whole solution by far, nor an overnight fix)
That won't meet your need for 'escape'. Do you exercise regularly? That too, can help relieve stress.
If you do, then perhaps what you are seeking, is someone open-minded and understanding of your need to submit to another's desires? A need to suffer for another's pleasure? Or, perhaps it is more the mental 'time out' you are expecting to get from "letting Someone else drive" while experiencing an intensely close energetic connection?
These are all legitimate needs. The vanilla world doesn't necessarily understand them, which is why 'we' gather here 'amongst our own kind'.
Your needs are just as valid as those of your partner. You should not be ashamed to attempt to educate her. She makes the choice to participate in a loving, understanding way towards you, as you do for her. If she chooses not to walk with you, that's a conscious choice she's made.
Don't know if that's what you want, because you've just read and observed but not participated much? After 20 years you're still seeking...this is important to you.
When we interact through power exchange, there is a lot of trust involved. Power-exchange is 'empowering' and so there are many of us who have been in 'difficult, if not impossible' situations in our past, who navigated through tumultuous times, and got burned because of our own lack of integrity in a primary relationship.
Hell is hot, my dear!
The cliche, "That which doesn't kill you, makes you stronger!" - well, I happen to believe this. I've also learned that the path of 'lack of integrity' gets really, really messy. The sad part is someone said that to me, and I just knew I could navigate it. We all need to learn the lesson, and most of the time it is experientially.(?sp)
The fact that you are here, means you have the desire to participate, not just observe anymore. Excellent for you! I'll warn you that 'just a taste' will not satiate you and I caution you to step carefully and with intention, so you can mitigate the damage.
Energy flows, where you put your attention. We are the sum of our experiences. If you are willing to put your attention elsewhere, and take it away from your primary relationship, this will effect you and it. Your hope is that if you can get some relief, you will be more content at home. Again, I will say that 'just a taste' will not satiate you, but is more likely to cause an addiction/obsession. You have been warned! :)
Having been where you are, I don't judge you. However, I also wouldn't participate with you in anything other than an online correspondence. Why? Because you are (it seems) consciously carving a HUGE karmic bull's eye on yourself, and whether it happens now, or later, the end result will not be pretty.
If you choose to do nothing, and stuff your desires, that just draws out your discomfort and makes you stressed and resentful. (as if you didn't already know this!)
If you want to feel more content and satisfied in your life, you do need to do something. Make changes toward living more authentically. Right now, you have the power to choose how to navigate that path, and as another poster said, each choice/step, will have an outcome.
I wish you luck! Choose wisely!
_____________________________
Sthrn
Honorably served by OttersSwim
'The sign of a developed mind is one in which two opposing ideas can coexist' - Oscar Wilde.
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RE: Hello, this is all about me (long) - 
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