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dom_dotcom -> RE: Internet Debris II (9/24/2004 4:08:56 PM)
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These are really bad one liners BUT as with all other Internet Debris it landed in my in box this week so now you have to suffer with it too!
1. Two peanuts walk into a bar. One was assaulted.
2. Two jumper cables walk into a bar. The bartender says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
3.A sandwich walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry we don't serve food in here."
4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."
6. Two antennas meet on a roof, fall in love, and get married. The
ceremony wasn't much but the reception was great.
7. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"
8. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The green, green grass of home.' "That
sounds like 'Tom Jones syndrome'." "Is it common?" "It's not unusual."
9. Two cows standing next to each other in a field-Daisy says to Dolly,"I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," said Dolly. "It's true, no bull!"
10. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Glad Wrap shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."
11. Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I've lost my
electron."The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies. "Yes, I'm positive..."
12. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, "My dog's
cross-eyed,is there anything you can do for him?" "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him".
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down."
"What?, because he's cross-eyed?" "No, because he's really heavy".
13. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mom or my dad, or maybe my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha Chu. But I'm pretty sure it's Colin.
14. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
15. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him $50 that he
couldn't reach the meat on the top shelf. He said, 'No, the steaks are too high.'
16. A man was brought in to the hospital after a serious accident. He
shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't, you've had an accident and cut off your arms".
17. I went to a seafood rave last week.... and pulled a mussel.
18. A man walks into doctor's office. "What seems to be the problem?"
asks the doc. "It's... um...well... I have five penises" replies the man." "Blimey!" says the doctor, "How do your trousers fit?" "Like a glove."
19. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
20. "Life isn't like a box of chocolates...it's more like a jar of
jalapenos. What you do today, might burn your ass tomorrow."
PRISON VS. WORK
Just in case you ever got the two mixed up. This should make things a bit
clearer.
IN PRISON.. you spend the majority of your time in an 8X10 cell.
AT WORK... you spend the majority of your time in a 6X8 cubicle.
IN PRISON...you get three meals a day.
AT WORK...you only get a break for one meal and you pay for it.
IN PRISON...you get time off for good behaviour.
AT WORK...you get more work for good behaviour.
IN PRISON...the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK...you must carry around a security card and open all the doors for
yourself.
IN PRISON...you can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK...you get fired for watching TV and playing games.
IN PRISON...you get your own toilet.
AT WORK...you have to share with some idiot who pees on the seat.
IN PRISON...they allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK...you can't even speak to your family.
IN PRISON...the taxpayers pay all expenses with no work required.
AT WORK...you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they
deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.
IN PRISON...you spend most of your life inside bars wanting to get out.
AT WORK...you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside
bars.
IN PRISON...you must deal with sadistic wardens.
AT WORK...they are called managers.
Have a Great Day at WORK
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