sskitten
Posts: 43
Joined: 9/15/2005
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Hi, you are asking an interesting and somewhat puzzling question. I am not a very experienced sub, and not a defiant or angry one, but since I've tended to have a dominant personality in my vanilla world dealings, I realized I could not go easily and naturally into the submission I craved... I realized I would have to be led into it, or tamed. Based on my limited experience, here are some questions and observations that come to mind:
1) The portions of your post marked in bold are the parts that puzzle me a bit.
quote:
i am seeking an experienced submissive to help me with various issues in my new M/s relationship. my Master and i have a 24/7 relationship where the M/s dynamic is very much based on my need for containment, structure, and discipline due to my traumatic childhood where i did not get these needs met. i would be most grateful to talk with subs who could help me through this process of letting go of the defiant, angry parts of me so that i could get to a place of true submission.
* I am wondering, if you are in the process of trying to let go of the defiant, angry parts of yourself to get to a place of true submission... when you arrive at that place, isn't that when you will be a slave to your Master? If it is not yet true submission, what makes it M/s as opposed to a Dom/sub in training?
* If the M/s dynamic has been set up to fulfill your needs - as a form of therapy for needs that went unmet in childhood - then is the relationship more about your Master meeting your needs, instead of it being about you meeting his? I am one of the firm believers that both parties' needs should be met, but I also agree with the general sentiment here that a sub seeks to get his/her needs met primarily by focusing on serving and pleasing the Dom. If the sub's needs are the driving force in the relationship, then I wonder if it begins to seem that the Master is serving the sub.
2) I do appreciate that you are longing for some of the parental control and guidance that was lacking in your childhood. But speaking as both a parent and a former child, I'm also aware that the parent/child relationship can be fraught with power struggles. Defiance and anger are part of every child's relationship with a parent. Also the dynamic can tend to be: "Control me, since I cannot control myself very well." But in a mature M/s relationship (imho), a slave serves well by anticipating what the Master expects and would find pleasing. A slave learns to manage his or her own thoughts and behaviors according to these expectations. In a well-functioning M/s relationship, it seems to me, discipline comes primarily in the form of clear expectations, met with reasonable consistency.
3) I truly did not know if I would be able to submit since I have been engaged in power struggles in most of my important vanilla-world relationships. I never wanted to submit to the will of my parents or my husband or even my superiors at work. I think if there were any arrogance in my Dom I would never be able to submit to him. It has always been almost a reflex action for me to get my hackles up when someone seems to be trying to impose his or her will on me. The aspects of my D/s relationship that have enabled me to submit gladly without defiance are these:
* I truly trust that my Dom has my best interests in mind at all times. (It sounds as if you have a similar trust in your Master.)
* I believe that every act of submission brings me another step closer to my own core. I guess in a way for me, submission is a means to an end; it is not the end in itself. I am submitting in a real life relationship to honor the private dark part of myself that has fantasized since childhood about profound slavelike submission. So every act of submission not only brings me closer to my Dom, and closer to total submission, it also brings me closer to my own core. I want to meet the part of myself I've kept well-hidden all these years, and for me that's what this journey is all about. Realizing this helps keep any inkling of defiance or anger at bay, because I know that the more readily I submit, the closer I will come to knowing my full self.
* My Dom expects me to consider in everything that I do: what would make him proud of me? I know he would not be proud of anger or defiance. He would be proud of willing obedience, even when it is hard. Realizing this helps me to submit gladly, even when part of me wants to resist.
* I've realized that I want and need a short leash. (It seems you do, too.) So when my Dom gently tugs on my (metaphorical) leash to remind me of my submission and to enforce it, I know he does so because he too realizes this is what I want and need. He does it because he cares about my inner growth. He tugs gently because he does not want to command or force me to submit; he wants to remind me of the submission I long to offer, when competing thoughts or desires threaten to divert me from my primary goal.
* Submission is a gradual process, offered and received in small steps. While it is helpful to hold the elusive goal in mind (total submission), it is also helpful to celebrate every small step along the way, while realizing there will be some rough spots in the road.
* It really helps me when my Dom regularly affirms and interprets my small acts of submission. For instance, if I try to conduct myself in a way that would make him proud of me when he is not present, that means I am thinking of and managing my own submission. He had told me early on that gradually my will would be replaced with his desires. When I manage my own submission while keeping his desires in mind, at that moment I'm only focusing on: "What would please him?" But afterwards, he points out that this is another step in my submission; I've opened myself up to his control even when he is not present; this is mental submission - this is my will becoming replaced by his desires. So instead of feeling defiant or angry at having someone else's will imposed on me, I am able to celebrate that a bit more of my own will has gladly given way to his, at my own initiative.
* Another way that my Dom has helped me to partially manage my own submissive journey with his support and guidance is by asking me to reflect on and write about what would help me go deeper into my submission and what would make me more worthy of being owned and controlled by him. Thinking about how I might "be more worthy" has really helped me stretch myself and go deeper into submission in the process. I want to rise to the challenge.
* At one point my Dom asked me to open myself up to him - to open up my insides. This was while we were apart from each other. I realized I had always viewed him as outside of me, watching me, and I did not know if I could let him inside. I didn't know what I would find on the inside if I opened myself up more than I ever had before. What I found surprised me. I felt I could be nearly entirely open, but there was a small hard seed or nut of resistance deep inside of me. I thought, "Is this what is at my core - just a small hard seed? What is this seed? Is it my will? What do I do with it... I cannot open it up or penetrate it in any way." And all I could think to do was to offer it up for him to do with as he might choose. In my mind, I was casting it out of myself to let him in. But instead, he intends to do something with that small hard seed or nut of resistant will - something I had not expected. He's not taking it out of me. He wants me to plant it inside of myself, and water it, and let it grow into a plant, so it is still a part of me, but the hard shell will be softened and opened up from the inside and something good will grow from it. He's not going to force his way into that last little seed of resistance and he's not going to take it out of me... he's going to nurture it and it will grow into something new and better. Maybe you can do the same with your defiance.
* I also find it incredibly powerful when my Dom asks me questions that I must answer about my submission and his control. My first reaction is to feel bashful and resistant. I can only whisper the answers. But in the process of being asked and being expected to answer, I must ask myself if I can answer truthfully in the way he expects... and this becomes a powerful tool in affirming and strengthening my own eagerness to submit to his control.
* Control is not "taken" from us - we relinquish it. We choose to relinquish it. After we relinquish it, we may not feel we have any more choice. As I understand it, the main difference between a sub and a slave is that the sub still has the choice whether or not to submit, but a slave has no more choice; the power exchange is total. (I know there are all kinds of ways that folks define their terms, but this is one of the ways that I prefer to think about it.) What I've realized is that some of us might feel more comfortable in a state of holding on to some choice, rather than going for the total power exchange. Maybe we can feel a slavelike devotion without necessarily being a slave. But the thing about control in a parent/child relationship is that a child doesn't have much choice... and that is where the defiance and anger comes in. Control tends to be imposed on the child rather than relinquished gladly. I guess I'm wondering if you can cherish the parental qualities in your Master (nurturing, protective, guiding) without taking on some of the less desirable child qualities (selfish, demanding, angry, defiant) in your relationship dynamic.
* The first time I met privately with my Dom he said to me, "I'm going to take you apart and rebuild you the way I want you." But soon afterward he clarified that he intended only to support me as I rebuild myself into a better person. Everything he has done has been consistent with that goal. And so, even as I relinquish some power, I feel empowered. Now I realize that if the cold hard seed inside me is going to be planted and grow into something fruitful, that is a way of rebuilding myself from the inside out, gently.
I hope some of these thoughts are helpful. I will also confess that I still struggle a *lot* with submission. For instance, I'm supposed to go to bed at a decent hour instead of reading or writing on the message board late at night, and so writing this message has been, sadly, a small act of defiance. I was restricted from the message boards all of last week because I had not been doing a good job of managing my time and space, and maybe I will have to be disciplined again. It's hard to let go of one's own will. Most of us here are finding, though, that the rewards far far outweigh the frustrations, even when we've barely started on the journey.
Kitten
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New sub in therapeutic M/s relationship needs experienc... - 
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