Boyfriend - unaware of subspace (Full Version)

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snowpuppy -> Boyfriend - unaware of subspace (7/27/2010 11:34:12 AM)

Ok I'm asking in this thread instead of the Master's one because I'd rather not ask a man.
Basically my boyfriend does know I'm into BDSM, but he dosn't know when he yells at me (sometimes I even tempt it) it's putting me into subspace...I know this isn't really good because I don't know if he'll start hitting me.

(Ok I basically went out with him because talking to him sometimes before I went into subspace, he may be just aggressive...possibly...abusive...but he's not into BDSM). I know this isn't really the "best" situation, hes 18 and I just turned 18. I'm kind of scared he'll hurt me....I mean he's punched in his wall ect. and last time a few days ago I just sat their on the floor crying as he got all mad since I didn't want him to hurt me but I was in subspace...that's kind of messed up isn't it.

Ugh I wish I could just get someone really into BDSM not this fake thing, or I mean it's a real relationship but with that one..kind of bad flaw. Any suggestions? (And yes I told him about BDSM and he started abusing it for other things, nothing that would turn me on...)



Madame4a -> RE: Boyfriend - unaware of subspace (7/27/2010 11:41:23 AM)

run... and in your next relationship be honest... don't date outside your orientation... its going to put you in the situation  you're already in...



Chrisincuffs -> RE: Boyfriend - unaware of subspace (7/27/2010 11:47:33 AM)

Ummmmm I really don't know where to start. It sounds like you're answering your own question here. Maybe read it again but don't confuse Abuse with BDSM. Sounds like there are some major issues going on



dreamerdreaming -> RE: Boyfriend - unaware of subspace (7/27/2010 11:48:27 AM)

Dump the jerk. What you're describing doesn't sound like subspace. It just sounds like you're afraid of an abusive jerk. Get out, before he does more damage.

Emotional abuse IS ABUSE. It can hurt as much as, or more than- a fist in the face. Take it from one who knows: leave this bad match. He is already hurting you (and not in a yummy d/s way) and it WILL escalate. It will NOT get better, if you stay with him. It will only get worse.

He is vanilla, and he's an asshole. He doesn't fit your needs or desires. Get some self-esteem, and get away from him.

Get help, to do this- and don't tip your hand. Don't announce that you're leaving him. That's when he's likely to go ballistic, taking his abusiveness to a new level. So to protect yourself, leave him without telling him first, that that is what you're doing. Your battered women's shelter can help you make a plan. Call them!

(spelling edit)



snowpuppy -> RE: Boyfriend - unaware of subspace (7/27/2010 11:49:44 AM)

Oh =) ok I edited that then.

In response to the other - it IS subspace, I KNOW what subspace is. I've been into BDSM since like 10 ( I didn't post that in my intro of course though). It's not scared it's subspace, that's the problem. Normally I would just tell him off, if I were only scared I would tell him off but I can't because it's not scared it's subspace.



Madame4a -> RE: Boyfriend - unaware of subspace (7/27/2010 11:51:29 AM)

I mean bdsm ... don't date people who are not oriented the way you are



Toppingfrmbottom -> RE: Boyfriend - unaware of subspace (7/27/2010 11:53:10 AM)

No. Not all women are turned on more by women than men. Not all women are turned on by women at all in fact.

quote:

ORIGINAL: snowpuppy

My orientation? I'm not sure of it, I mean women turn me on more...but I think that's normal for all women.





Chrisincuffs -> RE: Boyfriend - unaware of subspace (7/27/2010 11:53:48 AM)

quote:

Ugh I wish I could just get someone really into BDSM


You're very young, I mean I had no clue just how much I didn't know at that age. I think you need to find out more before you jump into a BDSM relationship. You seem very confused at this point. You need to find your power within before you can submit to a Dom that is going to respect you and please you as much as you do Him.



snowpuppy -> RE: Boyfriend - unaware of subspace (7/27/2010 11:54:02 AM)

Oh er...I thought I read somewhere that women imagine women naked more than they imagine men naked, not sure. Ok thanks.



MissAsylum -> RE: Boyfriend - unaware of subspace (7/27/2010 11:55:43 AM)

by "orientation", it is meant what you identify as- "kinky"-aka into BDSM or "vanilla"-aka not into BDSM. this is just the gist of it, since the definition greatly differs, depending on who you ask. regardless- your situation is abuse. and i wager what you are claiming as sub-space is really just fear. i suggest you remove yourself from this situation.



VampiresLair -> RE: Boyfriend - unaware of subspace (7/27/2010 11:56:22 AM)

Your orientation meaning BDSM involved. If you are a sub, do not date someone who isnt a dom or a switch, or another sub who will help you find a D type as well. By dating a vanilla with abusive tendancies, you are giving yourself excuses as to why what he does is ok. You are not getting into subspace, you are having a reaction to the yelling which is mainly your body getting ready for the ight or flight reaction if it goes farther. An adrenaline rush is NOT necessarily subspace, its more like what a skydiver gets jumping from a plane. Its a survival thing.

I say get out before you find out if you are right and you do get hurt. Then, make an effort to find someone who is actually dominant or at the very least a top and find out what subspace really feels like to you. You'll look back at what he was like ad wonder why you stuck around so long.

DV



snowpuppy -> RE: Boyfriend - unaware of subspace (7/27/2010 11:58:22 AM)

guys lol I got the orientation thing, only need one person to say it >.>



mnottertail -> RE: Boyfriend - unaware of subspace (7/27/2010 11:59:38 AM)

Hey,

Heres the thing,  rather than sort of mystically and mysteriously hope you stumble into what you seek from the guy, and that he somehow unknowingly gets it without killing you or kicking your ass to the curb for being a wide and brawling bitch,  howzabout you sit down (clear your calendars, no texting, no one over, no drinking, no funnie, no nothing) and have a long and serious talk with the boy, give him a fair chance at it?

You may be pleasantly surprised, and your whole day could go a whole lot better.



OttersSwim -> RE: Boyfriend - unaware of subspace (7/27/2010 12:02:57 PM)

I will totally agree with what others here say - if you are in a relationship with someone who is, or whom you fear will or even who might - physically abuse you.  You need to get away from that person and find someone in whom abuse is not part of their makeup and you will feel safe with them.

That said, I think you may need to examine your concept of subspace.  Certainly there is and can be an altered state of consciousness, but it typically does not include fear.  And because you are kinky, I would definitely work to make a very clear and defined separation between altered state that is fear-induced and subspace which is, in my experience, mostly that happy trippy endorphin rush.

Also, don't let "subspace" be a reason you allow yourself to become a victim - ever.  You have control over your mental state.  If someone is becoming aggressive with you, the last thing you need is to allow yourself to become unfocused, fuzzy, or trippy and limp as some sort of misdirected defense mechanism. 



Chrisincuffs -> RE: Boyfriend - unaware of subspace (7/27/2010 12:03:57 PM)

quote:

Hey,

Heres the thing, rather than sort of mystically and mysteriously hope you stumble into what you seek from the guy, and that he somehow unknowingly gets it without killing you or kicking your ass to the curb for being a wide and brawling bitch, howzabout you sit down (clear your calendars, no texting, no one over, no drinking, no funnie, no nothing) and have a long and serious talk with the boy, give him a fair chance at it?

You may be pleasantly surprised, and your whole day could go a whole lot better.


I'm confused here, are you advising her to try to talk to this guy about an abusive situation? What would she say? "please be nice to me....and then how's about you tie me up and spank me"



mnottertail -> RE: Boyfriend - unaware of subspace (7/27/2010 12:06:42 PM)

no, where is it abusive?  couplea confused 18 year olds there sure, where are you confused?



Chrisincuffs -> RE: Boyfriend - unaware of subspace (7/27/2010 12:09:26 PM)

Been there done that got the t-shirt to prove it and NEVER GOING BACK. That's not confusion that's seriously unhealthy and sitting a guy like that down and trying to talk isn't going to change anything. She needs to leave and find happiness



Toppingfrmbottom -> RE: Boyfriend - unaware of subspace (7/27/2010 12:09:28 PM)

If someone is so out of control mad they're punching holes in walls and screaming, trying to have a rational talk about things isn't likely to end well, or be productive.

You can't talk rationally with someone who's likely to become  an enraged person over your talk.
quote:

ORIGINAL: mnottertail

Hey,

Heres the thing,  rather than sort of mystically and mysteriously hope you stumble into what you seek from the guy, and that he somehow unknowingly gets it without killing you or kicking your ass to the curb for being a wide and brawling bitch,  howzabout you sit down (clear your calendars, no texting, no one over, no drinking, no funnie, no nothing) and have a long and serious talk with the boy, give him a fair chance at it?

You may be pleasantly surprised, and your whole day could go a whole lot better.




mnottertail -> RE: Boyfriend - unaware of subspace (7/27/2010 12:14:52 PM)

look, nobody punches holes in the walls 24/7.  Next, for whatever reason, kids these days arent real good at dealing with frustrations, they often take it out on inatimate objects, and I gotta belive it is from watching all the cop shows on tv.

nevertheless, unless I hear revised and extended remarks from the OP, I am satisfied that what I said  is the best course of action.



Toppingfrmbottom -> RE: Boyfriend - unaware of subspace (7/27/2010 12:16:40 PM)

You honestly don't see screaming and raging so out of control you punch a whole through a wall, and continue to scream non consensually, at your partner who's on the floor in tears afraid of you  will hurt her and again non consensually abusive?

quote:

ORIGINAL: mnottertail

no, where is it abusive?



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