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Wanting to be submissive - 7/28/2010 1:41:26 PM

Lookngsetx

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So as I read and learn more and more about BDSM the kink and the life style I find so very thrilling, however as much as my desire to serve and please is there and I do, serve and please very well I find that I am horrible at being submissive even though so very many of my desires are what seem to fit into the "category" of submission.

I am in a dominate driven professional carrier however I feel as if a males purpose in life is to place women on the highest pedestal. So if I suck at submission and enjoy all of the submissive ideology what the hell am I other than confused.

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RE: Wanting to be submissive - 7/28/2010 11:32:01 PM

SomethingCatchy

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Perhaps your problem is feeling that it's a males job to put a female on a pedestal. No one is perfection, and a very wise person once told me that the higher the chair, the longer the fall.

No one wants to fall (or fail in this case) but putting larger than life expectations on them will guarantee they do. What adult in their right mind would want to put up with that? Why not just go into it with a clear, healthy mind and allow things to happen, rather than slapping labels that may not fit?

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RE: Wanting to be submissive - 7/29/2010 12:47:31 AM

ElanSubdued

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Lookngsetx,

The term submissive gets thrown around as a catch-all for a lot of desires. Therefore, lets be a bit more granular and, in doing so, I'll give some examples. You may like to serve, but you can do this without being submissive. Some people like to bottom (receive sensations), but, again, these people may not be submissive. There are those who identify as fetishists and for certain activities like being on the bottom and for other activities like being on the top. Quite a few permutations under the s-type label don't involve D/s style submission. Thus, it's possible that you're not submissive and this is just fine. Perhaps you could explain what you mean by: "as much as my desire to serve and please is there, and I do serve and please very well, I find that I am horrible at being submissive".

Regarding the "putting women on a pedestal" ideology, SomethingCatchy pretty much wrote what I was going to so I'll simply direct you back to her post.

Finally, just a note about presentation. You'll find you're better received if you check your writing before posting. For example, I believe the phrase you intended to use is "I am in a *dominant-driven*, professional *career*". This comes across oddly when written as you posted it (with the verb "dominate" swapped for the noun "dominant" and the word "career" misspelled as "carrier"). Similarly, when commas are sparse and those that are present are used incorrectly, reading gets difficult and, again, people will tend to take you less seriously.

Elan.

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RE: Wanting to be submissive - 7/29/2010 1:10:41 AM

GreedyTop

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What Elan said.

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RE: Wanting to be submissive - 7/29/2010 8:24:21 AM

porcelaine

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Lookngsetx

So as I read and learn more and more about BDSM the kink and the life style I find so very thrilling, however as much as my desire to serve and please is there and I do, serve and please very well I find that I am horrible at being submissive even though so very many of my desires are what seem to fit into the "category" of submission.

If you would align your definition of submission to the dominant person's you'll resolve most of your issues. Flexibility, malleability, communication, honesty, and sincerity will carry you further than a bag of tricks ever would. Give them something to work with that is worth taking on.

~porcelaine

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RE: Wanting to be submissive - 7/29/2010 8:46:04 PM

TatsuHime

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quote:

If you would align your definition of submission to the dominant person's you'll resolve most of your issues. Flexibility, malleability, communication, honesty, and sincerity will carry you further than a bag of tricks ever would. Give them something to work with that is worth taking on.

~porcelaine

Beautifully said.

~ Hime

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RE: Wanting to be submissive - 7/29/2010 9:20:20 PM

Toppingfrmbottom

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Perhaps a bottom?

quote:

ORIGINAL: Lookngsetx
So if I suck at submission and enjoy all of the submissive ideology what the hell am I other than confused.

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RE: Wanting to be submissive - 7/30/2010 2:05:59 AM

MaamJay

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You've had some top replies here, and I agree with those, esp Catchy and Elan! I'll have a go at further distinguishing submission from the other activities.

You can bottom (receive sensations in play), you can serve (follow orders and do someone's bidding in a task-oriented way) and you can enjoy fetish activities (eg cross dressing) ALL WITHOUT BEING SUBMISSIVE. I found this out the hard with with My former hubby who thought he was submissive ... but wasn't! For Me, submission is about being willing AND able to bend/yield/surrender one's will to the control of the Dominant ... it is a much more encompassing thing. And because the Dominant's will (while informed by the sub's needs and wants) will not always exactly match the sub's will ... submission is being prepared to pay a "price" ... doing something "safe" (within SSC or RACK) but not what you WANT. That's not to say that has to be an everyday thing ... most usually in a compatible couple, it's not ... but it is being willing and able to yield when it is required.

In my experience as Master's sub/slave, the biggest submission hurdles haven't been anything to do with bdsm play activities (as people usually visualise). They've been in everyday life things. For eg, the first time i was about to accept an invite to a colleague's place and then realised i had to ask Master's permission first. Giving up that autonomy was a big deal at the time ... now it's second nature. Yielding control to Him of My Domme side's activities seemed big at the time but also made logical sense ... as it still does. Asking Him to take financial control (something He wasn't actually looking for!) and handing over $300,000 of my money to buy the new house in His name (had all sorts of side benefits to do that at the time) ... yep, that was big to both of us and we intended to get legal contracts etc drawn ... but when it came to it, the trust was there and we didn't bother. And the last big one was handing over musical control to Him when i have always been the leader of any musical group i've been part of ... that was hard too! But once done, it was a huge relief! These things didn't all happen at once, they've happened over a period of years as the trust grew and as they arose. But i knew from the start that i would be willing to yield more over the time and Master knew that too, the submissive attitude was there from the beginning.

So OP, it strikes Me that you might fit into being a bottom, a server, or a fetishist (or combination of those) but aren't actually a submissive in the way I've defined it. And that's OK ... you just need to get clear on that so you know what you are and aren't offering to prospective partners. However, there's also just the chance that somewhere along the line you could meet a person who flips your switch and for whom you will want to submit! Never say never, but do outline the likely prospects!

Maam Jay aka violet[A]

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