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RE: Are Dominants shyer than submissives? - 8/1/2010 9:46:05 AM   
RealSub58


Posts: 1073
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quote:

ORIGINAL: gungadin09

Maybe that's why Dominants hold back a bit, depending on the sub to make the first move towards a relationship. Or maybe i'm wrong, and i've just happened to meet a few timid Doms.

What do you think?

pam



Umph....I personally dont think it has anything to do with dominance nor submission............it has to do with personality.  Outgoing overt and confident usually takes the lead.  In my experience

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RE: Are Dominants shyer than submissives? - 8/1/2010 9:57:19 AM   
Tantriqu


Posts: 2026
Joined: 12/29/2006
Status: offline 		I was shy as a kid, then thank the gods my hormones kicked in during Grade 8, and the real me blossomed socially as well as sexually.
So, I'm not shy, but I am polite without being obsequious. I enjoy the hunt, and finding what I'm looking for by observing behaviour and language.
Yes, I AM judging you.

And in vanilla dating, there's nothing headier than overwhelming kisses and the spontaneous kneel of a good man who you hoped but didn't yet know was a sub. Magnifique!

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RE: Are Dominants shyer than submissives? - 8/1/2010 10:21:43 AM   
porcelaine


Posts: 5020
Joined: 7/24/2006
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quote:

ORIGINAL: gungadin09

Okay, so not all Dominants are. But recently i've been struck by how many Doms i've met (and, admittedly, there aren't that many) who seem to be waiting for me to make the first move towards a relationship. i guess i have this sterotype of Dominants as being confident, secure, outgoing, and not overly concerned about other people's opinions.


It's a mixed bag. I've encountered people in the past that believed the onus was on the submissive to make their interest known.

quote:

The Doms i've met seem cautious, even shy, about making their interest in me known until they are sure that i will return their affection. They will drop hints, but i'm usually the one to go out on a limb and broadcast my interest in them, before They will come right out and say what they want.


Sometimes they're afraid of rejection. But the same can be said about some submissives as well.

quote:

What do you think?


I'm too old for the song and dance. I prefer honesty and someone that isn't afraid to speak their mind. Give me a man that knows what he wants and is willing to take the steps to make it happen. Tip toe safety types don't appeal to me.

~porcelaine


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RE: Are Dominants shyer than submissives? - 8/1/2010 10:37:22 AM   
laurell3


Posts: 6577
Joined: 5/5/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: gungadin09

Okay, so not all Dominants are. But recently i've been struck by how many Doms i've met (and, admittedly, there aren't that many) who seem to be waiting for me to make the first move towards a relationship. i guess i have this sterotype of Dominants as being confident, secure, outgoing, and not overly concerned about other people's opinions.

That's the notion that i've had, but from my own (limited!) experience, i would have to say that in reality, the opposite is true. The Doms i've met seem cautious, even shy, about making their interest in me known until they are sure that i will return their affection. They will drop hints, but i'm usually the one to go out on a limb and broadcast my interest in them, before They will come right out and say what they want.

In a way, this makes sense. The Dominant has more to lose if They misjudge the situation. If i expose myself to someone as a submissive, they might think i'm a freak, but they won't judge me as a terrible, abusive person, or even a sociopath. Maybe there's a bigger stigma attached to Dominance than to submission, in the vanilla world. Maybe that's why Dominants hold back a bit, depending on the sub to make the first move towards a relationship. Or maybe i'm wrong, and i've just happened to meet a few timid Doms.

What do you think?

pam


There is no set of characteristics that are true of any class of people. Being cautious about making the first move isn't being shy, it's being safe and reasonable. Dominants are no different than any other person that walks the earth. They get nervous, are unsure, have fears and have issues just like we all do. Be careful when you make an expectation that a label makes someone something extraordinary, it doesn't and those expectations will make you miserable.

Also, being socially shy is not the same as lacking confidence. Some people are outgoing, others are not.

< Message edited by laurell3 -- 8/1/2010 11:25:55 AM >

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RE: Are Dominants shyer than submissives? - 8/1/2010 11:27:21 AM   
gungadin09


Posts: 3232
Joined: 3/19/2010
Status: offline 		i realise that expecting everyone in a group to act a certain way is a stereotype. i guess i should have written a better title to the thread. i haven't been in the lifestyle very long. i guess i came into it with a set of naive, ignorant expectations about what people would act like,and now i'm tripping because that's not the way it is. Anyway, lesson learned.

pam

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RE: Are Dominants shyer than submissives? - 8/1/2010 12:05:59 PM   
laurell3


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Joined: 5/5/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: gungadin09

i realise that expecting everyone in a group to act a certain way is a stereotype. i guess i should have written a better title to the thread. i haven't been in the lifestyle very long. i guess i came into it with a set of naive, ignorant expectations about what people would act like,and now i'm tripping because that's not the way it is. Anyway, lesson learned.

pam


Yeah I don't think that's uncommon though, I wouldn't worry about it. It's not as different from vanilla dating as many people would like to believe.

_____________________________

I cannot be defined by moments in my life, but must be considered for by the entirety of my existence.

When you fail to consider that I am the best judge for what is right for me, all of your opinions become suspect to me.

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Profile   Post #: 26
RE: Are Dominants shyer than submissives? - 8/1/2010 12:09:57 PM   
Aileen1968


Posts: 6062
Joined: 12/12/2007
From: I miss Shore, New Jersey
Status: offline 		Shore is really shy. You should see him blush. It's cute.

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RE: Are Dominants shyer than submissives? - 8/1/2010 12:10:57 PM   
Aileen1968


Posts: 6062
Joined: 12/12/2007
From: I miss Shore, New Jersey
Status: offline 		He's definitely gonna hit me for that one.

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RE: Are Dominants shyer than submissives? - 8/1/2010 12:20:27 PM   
junecleaver


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quote:

Tip toe safety types don't appeal to me.


This.


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RE: Are Dominants shyer than submissives? - 8/1/2010 12:20:59 PM   
laurell3


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quote:

ORIGINAL: Aileen1968

He's definitely gonna hit me for that one.


LOL!

_____________________________

I cannot be defined by moments in my life, but must be considered for by the entirety of my existence.

When you fail to consider that I am the best judge for what is right for me, all of your opinions become suspect to me.

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RE: Are Dominants shyer than submissives? - 8/1/2010 2:25:41 PM   
jujubeeMB


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quote:

ORIGINAL: UniqueRaven
i have found that when i've been casual dating, if things were going well and we were on the second glass of wine - i would look at him over the rim of my wineglass and casually mention "i like to be spanked" in a quiet, somewhat breathless tone of voice. And then say nothing else.

His response would tell me a lot...


You are brave. I'm going to need a few glasses of wine, but definitely trying that one (or some slight variation) sometime...

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RE: Are Dominants shyer than submissives? - 8/1/2010 2:56:58 PM   
VaguelyCurious


Posts: 5264
Joined: 12/2/2009
From: United Kingdom
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: jujubeeMB

See, this isn't fair. There's no great submissive equivalent to that, and when I'm in bed with a vanilla guy I'm forced to saying things like "I really like...losing control...in bed" and usually he's like "yeah, baby" and proceeds with no clue what the hell I'm talking about
Small point, perhaps, but 'I like losing control' is very different to 'I like a partner who takes control'-losing control might be interpreted as an internal thing.

OP: not making a move isn't necessarily the same as being shy-there could be uncertainty as to how well they would be received, they could consider your friendship more valuable than a potential relationship, they could just be plain ambivalent about you (sorry if that's nasty, but what you wrote reminded me of an Alan Bennett monologue where the character says 'I think he must be gay' about any man who doesn't want to sleep with her)-there can be more than one reason not to make a move.


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RE: Are Dominants shyer than submissives? - 8/1/2010 2:59:40 PM   
sexyred1


Posts: 8998
Joined: 8/9/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: jujubeeMB

quote:

ORIGINAL: UniqueRaven
i have found that when i've been casual dating, if things were going well and we were on the second glass of wine - i would look at him over the rim of my wineglass and casually mention "i like to be spanked" in a quiet, somewhat breathless tone of voice. And then say nothing else.

His response would tell me a lot...


You are brave. I'm going to need a few glasses of wine, but definitely trying that one (or some slight variation) sometime...


I have found that whenever I mention anything about liking to be spanked or like to give up control in the bedroom, every guy, vanilla or not, says, oh great!

But that does not necessarily make them dominant. They could be either kinky or not even interested in that at all, they just say yes to please you on the date and hope that maybe they will score.

I also don't find a correlation between shyness and dominance and confidence.

(in reply to jujubeeMB)
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RE: Are Dominants shyer than submissives? - 8/1/2010 3:01:48 PM   
Zevar


Posts: 801
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: gungadin09

Okay, so not all Dominants are. But recently i've been struck by how many Doms i've met (and, admittedly, there aren't that many) who seem to be waiting for me to make the first move towards a relationship. i guess i have this sterotype of Dominants as being confident, secure, outgoing, and not overly concerned about other people's opinions.

That's the notion that i've had, but from my own (limited!) experience, i would have to say that in reality, the opposite is true. The Doms i've met seem cautious, even shy, about making their interest in me known until they are sure that i will return their affection. They will drop hints, but i'm usually the one to go out on a limb and broadcast my interest in them, before They will come right out and say what they want.

In a way, this makes sense. The Dominant has more to lose if They misjudge the situation. If i expose myself to someone as a submissive, they might think i'm a freak, but they won't judge me as a terrible, abusive person, or even a sociopath. Maybe there's a bigger stigma attached to Dominance than to submission, in the vanilla world. Maybe that's why Dominants hold back a bit, depending on the sub to make the first move towards a relationship. Or maybe i'm wrong, and i've just happened to meet a few timid Doms.

What do you think?

pam


Generalizations usually are inaccurate when considering people. As you might know people are individually different when it comes to how they express their intentions. Dominant or not. I am a man that is dominant and direct. However when I consider the term direct I think of a friend of mine. We both believe ourselves to be dominant gentleman that are direct. I express my directness in a way that he believes is not aggressive enough. I do not force or push my will on anyone. I do not assume just because I am dominant that I have some license to barge my will on a lady or anyone. I am like deep waters that quietly surround with a power that is relentlessly direct.

While my good friend is like a fierce storm and over-powers ladies. He tells me stories that sound like boyhood conduct to myself. His approach is aggressively rude to ladies. He assumes that because he is dominant, wealthy and a handsome gentleman that he can have whatever he likes. He is known to physically force himself on ladies and then get sent packing. Rightly so.

While I am dominant, wealthy and a handsome gentleman I do not consider that I can have what I want when it comes to ladies. I believe ladies to be worthy of respect and dignity. I believe in courting when I am interested in a lady. When I am sure that a lady has my interest and my interest in her will not fade I make my advance toward her in a manner that is clear and direct yet maintains her dignity in the process. She has the right to reject my advances. I have no problem with an honest rejection of my advances.

However my good friend does not take no for an answer and has made a many problems for himself. Dominance does not have to disgrace the dignity of a lady. Instead I believe dominance can include gracefulness while making sure advances leave no room to question the intentions of a gentleman as myself, but then that is my subjective perspective on the subject. The self confidence that I express is done so in manner that does not disrespect the lady of my desire.

What do I think? In the nutshell: Dominance indeed is expressed individually without a doubt.

Take care of you!

(in reply to gungadin09)
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RE: Are Dominants shyer than submissives? - 8/1/2010 3:03:50 PM   
UniqueRaven


Posts: 1237
Joined: 9/30/2009
From: Austin, TX
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: sexyred1

quote:

ORIGINAL: jujubeeMB

quote:

ORIGINAL: UniqueRaven
i have found that when i've been casual dating, if things were going well and we were on the second glass of wine - i would look at him over the rim of my wineglass and casually mention "i like to be spanked" in a quiet, somewhat breathless tone of voice. And then say nothing else.

His response would tell me a lot...


You are brave. I'm going to need a few glasses of wine, but definitely trying that one (or some slight variation) sometime...


I have found that whenever I mention anything about liking to be spanked or like to give up control in the bedroom, every guy, vanilla or not, says, oh great!

But that does not necessarily make them dominant. They could be either kinky or not even interested in that at all, they just say yes to please you on the date and hope that maybe they will score.

I also don't find a correlation between shyness and dominance and confidence.


No, it doesn't necessarily make them Dominant. But it would start the conversation - or not.

Sometimes it was just that they were just kinky, sometimes something more...but you never know until you start talking.

_____________________________

"My life has no purpose, no direction, no aim, no meaning, and yet I'm happy. I can't figure it out. What am I doing right?" ~Snoopy (Charles Schultz)

My blog is at http://takinghishand.wordpress.com

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RE: Are Dominants shyer than submissives? - 8/1/2010 3:08:27 PM   
porcelaine


Posts: 5020
Joined: 7/24/2006
Status: offline 		Having read the responses I think it's important for you to determine your own attributions. What one person perceives as dominance could be a different animal to someone else. The diversity in answers is testament to this. What's paramount is how you relate to his dominance and if it compels you in a manner that is positive or less to your liking. If the latter is absent it doesn't suggest he isn't dominant, but merely isn't the sort you're drawn to and that's okay. There's many flavors in the pool.

~porcelaine


_____________________________

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RE: Are Dominants shyer than submissives? - 8/1/2010 3:26:52 PM   
LanceHughes


Posts: 4737
Joined: 2/12/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: CynthiaWVirginia

<snipped>
Newbies I meet often think that D-types abuse subs, they are afraid but strangely drawn and keep a wary eye on me...that I may suddenly sprout another personality out of the blue, an evil one that will ignore hard limits and safe words.  So yes, I spend a lot of time putting people at their ease, making them feel safe in my presence so they will trust me enough to relax and submit to being blindfolded and/or put into restraints.  

fixed for gender and quoted for TRUTH

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RE: Are Dominants shyer than submissives? - 8/1/2010 7:41:29 PM   
marie2


Posts: 1690
Joined: 11/4/2008
From: Jersey
Status: offline 		I'm sure there are plenty of men of the dominant pursuasion that are shy and/or timid.

Although I am shy myself, shyness, uncertainty, and a timid nature are not things I'm attracted to in a man, therefore I've only had experiences with men who are anything but timid. If I sense from the get-go that a man doesn't have a certain level of aggressiveness or isn't a go-getter, it's a turn off for me. I can't/don't associate that type of inclination as an aspect of a dominant that I could ever respond to, so for me, it doesn't work.

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RE: Are Dominants shyer than submissives? - 8/1/2010 8:26:37 PM   
juliaoceania


Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline 		I think you bring up an important point, Marie... we all are attracted to what we are attracted to...

I do not know if "shyness" or probably more appropriately termed "introversion" are necessarily a signal of timidness. In the right sort of person it can be a sign of being in control over their responses, or watchful if you will. Just because someone is quiet and introverted does not mean that comes from a place of insecurity...

I tend to like fellow extroverts myself... but even though I am extroverted does not mean I am not timid at times, and I can be even more extroverted when I am feeling shy... overcompensating if you will



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RE: Are Dominants shyer than submissives? - 8/1/2010 9:17:24 PM   
sweetsub1957


Posts: 2201
Joined: 4/28/2009
Status: offline 		~FR~
I don't think Dominants are necessarily shyer than submissives, I think it's more an individual thing. I've met Doms that are either/or. Just to make certain They knew how I felt, I would either flash them either the "yummy look" or the "not-so-yummy look" somewhere along the way. They'll know where my head's at, even if They are shy....then They could "take over" from there.

~sweetsub~

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