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Help! Issues reaching subspace - 8/4/2010 11:34:36 AM   
snowfire13


Posts: 2
Joined: 9/30/2009
Status: offline 		My name is Sarah and I have been an owned submissive for about three years now. Just recently did things go right and we moved into a deeper relationship of Master/slave. I am collared and generally am feeling safer and more secure...so I guess that part was done right.

My problem right now is that when He pulls me in for play, I can't reach subspace like He wants and expects me to. I am too caught up on the idea of what I should be. I suppose I can blame the media (stories, movies, etc) for this all telling me what the perfect slave should and should not be. I have some serious performance anxiety. I want to please Him so much that I focus a lot on how to do it and begin to panic.

The only times that I reach subspace easily and my mind loses itself to pleasure is when I am tied down...and therefore only really expected to be played with for hours on end so it's not like I can fail since I can't move. I want to please my Master so much and I know I'm overthinking it since He's also my husband & was my Dom for years, so if he was unhappy with me he would have mentioned it by now...but I'm not sure how to stop. I have this image in my mind about how a perfect slave should be and I'm afraid I come up woefully short.

Did any other new slaves/subs have this reaction? If so, how did you force your mind to go past it where service became more of a pleasure and less a migraine inducing stress-fest?
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: Help! Issues reaching subspace - 8/4/2010 12:07:16 PM   
ProlificNeeds


Posts: 1061
Joined: 5/19/2007
Status: offline 		I don't view subspace as an orgasm, I've been conditioned towards triggered commands for being wet or being right on the edge of orgasm. I've never been even remotely close to being able to get to sub space when i want to, or when I'm told to. That's a recipie for failure. As soon as the -expectation- arises, you have set yourself up for possible failure. If you fail once, even once, your fear of failure multiplies and then makes it worse.

For me subspace has only occured when I let go of expectation and 'performance' I can only get there if I am tied down, or ordered to relax and not move at all. If I have things to do, especially things that require thinking, it won't happen. I've always been that way and I don't ever expect it to change.

I don't see it as a flaw, just how I tick.

(in reply to snowfire13)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: Help! Issues reaching subspace - 8/4/2010 12:59:26 PM   
laurell3


Posts: 6577
Joined: 5/5/2005
Status: offline 		I'm a little unclear as to what you are referring to as subspace. If you are referring to the biological reaction of endorphins flooding your brain, I can't really see how it's possible to MAKE yourself get there at all.

If you are referring to surrendering and trusting him to lead without worrying or attempting to perform, I think what you are describing as insecurity that you should address with him. He married you. You've been with him a long time. It would seem your fears that he expects you to be perfect are a bit irrational. No one is perfect. The irony of the situation is that I would guess, what is "perfect" in most of these situations is just letting go and enjoying the moment.

There's nothing wrong with asking him for reassurance. There's nothing wrong with telling him that you prefer bondage or explaining to him how he can help you relax. Go talk to your husband.

_____________________________

I cannot be defined by moments in my life, but must be considered for by the entirety of my existence.

When you fail to consider that I am the best judge for what is right for me, all of your opinions become suspect to me.

(in reply to snowfire13)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: Help! Issues reaching subspace - 8/4/2010 1:04:56 PM   
littleone35


Posts: 2828
Joined: 2/17/2005
Status: offline 		You are overthinking it just let it go. If you are all stressed out about it it is not gong to happen. Just relax and go with the moment. I know you want to please your master but getting yourself all twisted up in what you think a slave should be. You have to relax if your Dom was not happy with you i am sure he would let you know. As long as he is pleased with you, you should not care what the rest of the world thinks makes a perfect slave. When you are not restrained try not to think about reaching subspace that is an amost sure bet that then you wont, just let your body take over and it just may happen. Best of luck

Matt's littleone

(in reply to ProlificNeeds)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: Help! Issues reaching subspace - 8/4/2010 1:07:04 PM   
pains


Posts: 17
Joined: 5/23/2008
Status: offline 		For me subspace isn't necessarily related to orgasms, i can reach subspace easily on some occassions and yet other times just cant, i think it is dependent on many issues: state of mind, whats being used, surroundings etc.

For me subspace is when i get to a point where i become almost numb to the pain and he can usually go on and on and im floating and the pain doesnt register, this mostly occurs with the cane as its something i enjoy and if he keeps a steady rhythum.

I dont think subspace can be forced, better to relax and let it come naturally.

p

(in reply to laurell3)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: Help! Issues reaching subspace - 8/4/2010 1:44:07 PM   
kiwisub12


Posts: 4742
Joined: 1/11/2006
Status: offline 		Sounds to me like you need to share with your husband/master what you are thinking. He is the one who needs to know.

(in reply to pains)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: Help! Issues reaching subspace - 8/4/2010 1:54:04 PM   
snowfire13


Posts: 2
Joined: 9/30/2009
Status: offline 		I apologize for not being clear enough. He does know and I've been speaking with Him about it for the last week or so. He isn't sure why I reacted this way. Outside of the bedroom, I serve happily. I am pleased when He is pleased and work hard to do what I know makes Him happy. My anxiety begins inside of the bedroom. I trust my Master and know that He won't hurt me despite the sudden lack of safewords and hard limits in our relationship. I also know He's happy with me or he wouldn't be married to me or have put a collar on me. I know that it's all in my head and that I'm beiing silly but I can't seem to stop freaking out about the possibiliity of failing and it is leading to my taking no joy from making Him happy sexually and find that as I AM taking no joy, I am getting nothing out of it sexually and can't turn my mind off (subspace for me) or even reach orgasm some nights. I worry Master and He asked me to post here to see if others had experienced this, especially during the beginning of their submission or slavery. If the desire to please actually hurt rather then helped and how you dealt with it.

(in reply to kiwisub12)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: Help! Issues reaching subspace - 8/4/2010 2:07:26 PM   
ProlificNeeds


Posts: 1061
Joined: 5/19/2007
Status: offline 		Ahh so it's not really subspace that's the problem it's your sexual-stress levels period that have risen. You might look back and think if there has anything lately that has happened that might have discouraged you or lead you to worrying about your performance in the bedroom. Comments? Indiscretions?

Or it could even be something health related if you're finding your sex drive has started to dwindle, lack of enthusiasm or energy.

(in reply to snowfire13)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: Help! Issues reaching subspace - 8/4/2010 2:28:42 PM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		Is he reassuring you the entire time? Or are you left with no clue if he's happy or not? It really doesn't take much for him to say that you're such a good girl, such a good sub, and that he's happy with you.

Beyond that, if the only time you can relax is when you're bound, ask him to restrain you more often.


_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!


(in reply to ProlificNeeds)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: Help! Issues reaching subspace - 8/4/2010 2:43:36 PM   
Focus50


Posts: 3962
Joined: 12/28/2004
From: Newcastle, Australia
Status: offline 		Mine is a generic answer to the topic title...

I have a personal theory that stress and sub-space occupy the same room in a sub's mind, with stress being the dominant room-mate. And when a sub is stressing about something, stress won't let sub-space come out to play.

OP, if you can't reach sub-space anymore, it's because you're preoccupied or even obsessing over something outside of the play. And any half-brained dominant should see the warning signs (not reaching sub-space) and realise his sub's not relaxed and focused and that there's greater issues for him to *help her* address and manage.

Focus.

_____________________________

Never underestimate the persuasive power of stupid people in large groups. <unknown>

Your food is for eating, not torturing. <my mum> (Errm, when I was a kid)

(in reply to DesFIP)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: Help! Issues reaching subspace - 8/4/2010 2:45:39 PM   
angelikaJ


Posts: 8641
Joined: 6/22/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: snowfire13

My name is Sarah and I have been an owned submissive for about three years now. Just recently did things go right and we moved into a deeper relationship of Master/slave. I am collared and generally am feeling safer and more secure...so I guess that part was done right.

My problem right now is that when He pulls me in for play, I can't reach subspace like He wants and expects me to. I am too caught up on the idea of what I should be. I suppose I can blame the media (stories, movies, etc) for this all telling me what the perfect slave should and should not be. I have some serious performance anxiety. I want to please Him so much that I focus a lot on how to do it and begin to panic.

The only times that I reach subspace easily and my mind loses itself to pleasure is when I am tied down...and therefore only really expected to be played with for hours on end so it's not like I can fail since I can't move. I want to please my Master so much and I know I'm overthinking it since He's also my husband & was my Dom for years, so if he was unhappy with me he would have mentioned it by now...but I'm not sure how to stop. I have this image in my mind about how a perfect slave should be and I'm afraid I come up woefully short.

Did any other new slaves/subs have this reaction? If so, how did you force your mind to go past it where service became more of a pleasure and less a migraine inducing stress-fest?


IF I am understanding you correctly, your anxiety about being perfect coincided with your transition fron being his sub to his slave.
It is at that time that you were also collared?
And also when you lost your hard limits and your safe words.

(I am unclear as to whether your marriage occurred before that or not.)

You acknowledge that somewhere you have doubts about not measuring up as being a good enough slave, not pleasing him sexually well enough.

How have his expectations of you changed, and within that have you had any moments that you have perceived as "failures"?


_____________________________

The original home of the caffeinated psychotic hair pixies.
(as deemed by He who owns me)

http://www.collarchat.com/m_3234821/tm.htm

30 fluffy points!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mQjuCQd01sg

(in reply to snowfire13)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: Help! Issues reaching subspace - 8/4/2010 3:56:43 PM   
Aileen1968


Posts: 6062
Joined: 12/12/2007
From: I miss Shore, New Jersey
Status: offline 		I don't ever experience subspace. I don't think I'd want to.
I love feeling every thing he does to me emotionally and physically.
If you only experience it while tied then just accept that. It's how you're wired.
Then just enjoy all of the other sensations full volume.

_____________________________



(in reply to snowfire13)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: Help! Issues reaching subspace - 8/4/2010 9:37:04 PM   
January


Posts: 891
Joined: 4/17/2004
Status: offline
quote:

I can't reach subspace like He wants and expects me to.


Hi snowfire,

What is subspace to you? What is subspace to him? Maybe that might help me answer your question.

January

_____________________________

[link: http://www.bookstrand.com/miss-you-sir] Miss You, Sir by January Rowe is available from Siren now! It's my latest smokin' hot bdsm romance.[/link]




(in reply to snowfire13)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: Help! Issues reaching subspace - 8/4/2010 9:52:31 PM   
sweetsub1957


Posts: 2201
Joined: 4/28/2009
Status: offline 		~FR~
Sometimes I'll reach subspace and sometimes I won't. One thing I know, though, is if you put too much pressure on yourself and stress out about getting there, it probably won't happen. At least that's how it is for me. Just go with the flow and don't stress about it so much.

~sweetsub~

_____________________________

Member: Lance's Fag Hags.

"That's not just a chip on her shoulder, that's the whole potato!" ~Lady Angelika~

In lowering yourself to talking behind my back, you're perfectly positioned to kiss my ass.

An it harm none, do what ye wilt.

(in reply to January)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: Help! Issues reaching subspace - 8/5/2010 2:16:29 AM   
ranja


Posts: 2111
Joined: 11/1/2007
Status: offline 		the only time you have troubles is in the bedroom...
so can you take your sexual play outside the bedroom... living room, kitchen, spare room, garage?
can you do sexy things like being comfortable being dressed up for him with no 'date' for sex, maybe groom him, shave or hair cut?
take his shoes off, massage his feet?

can you masturbate?

so you are fine when you are tied down and have no control at all
so maybe you could start with being on a chain or partly tied up while limiting your own thinking by doing only and exactly what he tells you to.

if you mean with sub-space being relaxed and enjoying what you do and reaching orgasms, well you can work on that...
but if you want to go to this black void type of trance some submissives dissapear off too, i think you need to build a space ship, get knocked out or do drugs

(in reply to snowfire13)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: Help! Issues reaching subspace - 8/5/2010 12:27:13 PM   
January


Posts: 891
Joined: 4/17/2004
Status: offline
quote:

I have this image in my mind about how a perfect slave should be and I'm afraid I come up woefully short.


Hi, snowfire,

I was hoping to get your response about what you meant by "subspace", and I haven't. So I'll focus on this statement instead, hoping it will help someone who is reading this thread...

You are getting bound up in YOUR definition of slavery. The definition should be HIS--not yours.

This is how to give him that control when you have sex: You must concentrate only on his reactions, his pleasure, his satisfaction--in the right now. That requires utter sensitivity to living in, and enjoying, the MOMENT: soaking in his voice, his body language, his small movements, his large ones, his sighs. Don't pretend to know what he's thinking. Just sense what he's feeling--right now. Achieving that, believe me, will give you and him untold pleasure. When you serve him sexually, you must be completely tuned into him, not anyone's expectations. Sensing him, and only him, won't give you time to review the porn idea of what slavery is.

January

_____________________________

[link: http://www.bookstrand.com/miss-you-sir] Miss You, Sir by January Rowe is available from Siren now! It's my latest smokin' hot bdsm romance.[/link]




(in reply to snowfire13)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: Help! Issues reaching subspace - 8/6/2010 9:04:06 AM   
ThundersCry


Posts: 892
Status: offline 		I never had that problem when I was subbin/slavin etc...
But I submitted menatlly so I would drop in a heart beat.
Why not forget whats between your ears and relax and have fun...dont complicate it and....maybe your Master has to high of expectaions right now...
It sucks not pleasin` but `ey....we are HUMAN...

good luck

(in reply to snowfire13)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: Help! Issues reaching subspace - 8/9/2010 5:37:35 AM   
mwdsub4u


Posts: 49
Joined: 3/7/2007
Status: offline 		Subspace, is hard , every one see's it differently, i think focus is the key being able to empty your mind of all of lifes problems, and be able to live in the moment.
also trying to get into subspace every time is hard, i have never been able to do it. yet it can be at home serving Her, at a fetish event, or shopping, being with friends Me i can go into subspace easyer when it just happens , than because i am trying or want it too!

(in reply to ThundersCry)
Profile   Post #: 18
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