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Saying Sorry? - 8/6/2010 11:19:43 PM   
Hismouse


Posts: 34
Joined: 3/31/2010
Status: offline 		I have a hard time using the word sorry, and I guess I'm not always humble. Are there any others that feel
this way? How do you get past it, is there something different you can do? Any idea's on how I can overcome
it?

Hismouse
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: Saying Sorry? - 8/7/2010 12:16:46 AM   
juliaoceania


Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline 		My problem in the past was apologizing too much. I said I was sorry even when it was not appropriate. It bugged my ex to death... He did not understand saying I was sorry was a form of conveying sympathy... so when something bad happened and I said "Im sorry" he would say "what the hell are you sorry about? You didn't do it"....I finally got him to understand how I was using the term, and then I set out to quit saying it

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to Hismouse)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: Saying Sorry? - 8/7/2010 1:15:07 AM   
CynthiaWVirginia


Posts: 1915
Joined: 2/28/2010
From: West Virginia, USA
Status: offline 		Hello mouse. 
 
It is hard to say something if you are not feeling it...are you in a position where you are supposed to apologise but feel you have nothing to apologise for?
 
In the past, were you somehow trained not to say you're sorry?  I know this sounds strange to even ask it, but...my father trained both my mother and I not to cry.  I cannot even cry at funerals of dear friends or family, neither can my mother.  I cry on the inside, and that is somehow worse.
 
Maybe it's only a matter of pride having to be humbled.  Some people I've known have never been able to say they were sorry.  I couldn't suggest anything helpful unless I knew what brought on this problem, sorry.

(in reply to Hismouse)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: Saying Sorry? - 8/7/2010 3:01:31 AM   
Hismouse


Posts: 34
Joined: 3/31/2010
Status: offline 		Thanks Cynthia :-)
He and I spoke of this last night, when in trouble as a child, I was told not to speak, to go to my room and he did not wish to even look at my face.
So it would seem it was a requirement for silence from me, and this is probably what I do today, withdraw and be silent, maybe for fear of getting myself further into the shit.
Thanks for help, sometimes it pays to re-visit the past.

(in reply to CynthiaWVirginia)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: Saying Sorry? - 8/7/2010 3:04:30 AM   
Hismouse


Posts: 34
Joined: 3/31/2010
Status: offline 		Oh I seem to have no problem saying sorry in those circumstances, conveying sympathy, just have a problem with it when I'm in the wrong. I wish it was easier for me to use the word.

mouse

quote:

ORIGINAL: juliaoceania

My problem in the past was apologizing too much. I said I was sorry even when it was not appropriate. It bugged my ex to death... He did not understand saying I was sorry was a form of conveying sympathy... so when something bad happened and I said "Im sorry" he would say "what the hell are you sorry about? You didn't do it"....I finally got him to understand how I was using the term, and then I set out to quit saying it

(in reply to juliaoceania)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: Saying Sorry? - 8/7/2010 3:39:01 AM   
CynthiaWVirginia


Posts: 1915
Joined: 2/28/2010
From: West Virginia, USA
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Hismouse

Thanks Cynthia :-)
He and I spoke of this last night, when in trouble as a child, I was told not to speak, to go to my room and he did not wish to even look at my face.
So it would seem it was a requirement for silence from me, and this is probably what I do today, withdraw and be silent, maybe for fear of getting myself further into the shit.
Thanks for help, sometimes it pays to re-visit the past.



You did good, mouse.  I'm proud of you. 
 
It's a shame that your father took an easy way out to deal with this, but Hollywood tv shows kept shoveling shiite about good parents sending naughty children to their room.  If this is all that happens, parent and child miss out on a lot.  Like...negative feelings are okay, and the world doesn't stop spinning when someone makes a mistake or a poor decision. 
 
The chance of atonement...and forgiveness...can be an incredibly bonding moment.  He missed out on a lot.  It was his loss.
 
I hope you feel closer to your Dom now that you shared this with him and know that he understands you better.
 
He might even train you give tearful apologies.
 
  Until you find it easier, of course.

(in reply to Hismouse)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: Saying Sorry? - 8/7/2010 4:14:37 AM   
littlewonder


Posts: 15659
Status: offline 		from your other post and this one combined it seems as though you may have a problem with sympathy. You don't feel sorry. You don't care if he chastises you. You just sorta blow it off like not a big deal.

I would say that maybe you don't really care for this man enough? It sounds like maybe you're resentful of him.

You need to learn sympathy and compassion for others.

and the only way I can tell you to do that is to speak to a therapist. There are issues to deal with more than others can help with here imo.

(in reply to CynthiaWVirginia)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: Saying Sorry? - 8/7/2010 4:17:39 AM   
phoenixmoonn13


Posts: 398
Joined: 6/11/2010
Status: offline 		do you feel sorrry inside jsut cant say it or do you not feel sorry. if you do feel it jsut cant say the word then you need to talk to him and find a way to express it , i had the opposite i used to over apoligise till he got cross and said i was only to apologise once

(in reply to littlewonder)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: Saying Sorry? - 8/7/2010 5:39:03 AM   
chamberqueen


Posts: 1597
Joined: 10/25/2007
From: Kalamazoo, MI
Status: offline 		Saying "I'm sorry" can be very difficult because we are admitting that we were wrong. Saying "I'm sorry" without a list of excuses behind it is even harder. Been there - done that.

You CAN train yourself that way. It took me years to do it. I truly felt sorry for certain things inside, was truly harder on myself than anyone else could ever have been, but pride got in the way of me saying it - especially with no explanation as to why I did what I did.

So, I started practicing. I got myself to the point where I could say, "I'm sorry, I screwed up" and leave it at that. Was it easy? By no means. Was it worth it? Absolutely. I could be forgiven, I could forgive myself, I could deal with whatever the consequences were and move on.

We are human and will make mistakes. It doesn't just happen on the submissive side. Some of the most endearing words I ever heard from my Master were "I'm sorry" when he got some additional information and realized that he had jumped to a conclusion. Those two words built more trust in me for him than just about anything else that had gone on in our relationship before that. It made him all the more worthy of my honor, and the same can be said of subs who can sincerely say "I'm sorry" to their Doms.

_____________________________



(in reply to phoenixmoonn13)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: Saying Sorry? - 8/7/2010 9:29:51 AM   
juliaoceania


Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Hismouse

Oh I seem to have no problem saying sorry in those circumstances, conveying sympathy, just have a problem with it when I'm in the wrong. I wish it was easier for me to use the word.

mouse

quote:

ORIGINAL: juliaoceania

My problem in the past was apologizing too much. I said I was sorry even when it was not appropriate. It bugged my ex to death... He did not understand saying I was sorry was a form of conveying sympathy... so when something bad happened and I said "Im sorry" he would say "what the hell are you sorry about? You didn't do it"....I finally got him to understand how I was using the term, and then I set out to quit saying it



If apologizing is what I call "social grease", I don't do it. In other words I do not apologize to make the problem vanish and to keep them from bitching at me. I only apologize when I mean it, and it comes from my heart, and I have no trouble doing that if I feel I am wrong...

If I am not wrong, I am not apologizing.

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to Hismouse)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: Saying Sorry? - 8/7/2010 11:30:44 AM   
DefiantFlower


Posts: 204
Joined: 2/15/2007
Status: offline 		I was just talking about this with a friend the other day. Here's what we came up with...

Saying "I'm sorry" carries much more meaning than just an apology. It can be like silently admitting you were wrong and somehow messed up. This in turn can cause some people to feel vulnerable, humbled, embarrassed, and defensive. A mere apology can turn into an admission of weakness and that some battle was lost. Not really sure where those feelings come from, possibly the lack of practice in apologies as a child. All this need not be so melodramatic and complicated. Just the faintest hint of this reaction can make an apology more difficult. Perhaps try to acknowledge the feelings you have when faced with a difficult, heartfelt apology. Maybe identifying even the tiniest of emotions can help you face what exactly makes it so hard.

I seriously doubt it's because you don't care enough about the situation or person. You wouldn't have taken the time to write all that if you didn't give a shit. Hope this helps!

(in reply to juliaoceania)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: Saying Sorry? - 8/7/2010 8:09:07 PM   
Hismouse


Posts: 34
Joined: 3/31/2010
Status: offline 		Oh no littlewonder,
I have no problem with sympathy and empathy for people, I take it all on board, and often feel their pain, same goes for their happiness. So I do feel those things, just more so have a hard time using the word sorry.

I sure do care for him, he is part of my soul, I admire him, adore him, sure sometimes we have resentment (god I hate that word), maybe I get angry or pissed off now again, I thought I tried, he didn't think so, I'm pissed, but probably more so with me than Him.

Thank you for your response, it is always nice to hear anothers point of view, and not all will be the same, that is just part of the magic of everyone being different, with differing opinions :-) I do appreciate yours.

mouse
quote:

ORIGINAL: littlewonder

from your other post and this one combined it seems as though you may have a problem with sympathy. You don't feel sorry. You don't care if he chastises you. You just sorta blow it off like not a big deal.

I would say that maybe you don't really care for this man enough? It sounds like maybe you're resentful of him.

You need to learn sympathy and compassion for others.

and the only way I can tell you to do that is to speak to a therapist. There are issues to deal with more than others can help with here imo.


(in reply to littlewonder)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: Saying Sorry? - 8/7/2010 8:11:17 PM   
Hismouse


Posts: 34
Joined: 3/31/2010
Status: offline 		Spot on phoenix, you hit the nail on the head, that is it exactly :-) such a little word, so hard for me to day. It can be overcome, of this I am sure, at least I'm not in denial about it........phew, thank you

mouse
quote:

ORIGINAL: phoenixmoonn13

do you feel sorrry inside jsut cant say it or do you not feel sorry. if you do feel it jsut cant say the word then you need to talk to him and find a way to express it , i had the opposite i used to over apoligise till he got cross and said i was only to apologise once

(in reply to phoenixmoonn13)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: Saying Sorry? - 8/7/2010 8:15:32 PM   
Hismouse


Posts: 34
Joined: 3/31/2010
Status: offline 		Thank you chamberqueen,
I think he would be happy with the apolgy and skip my list of excuses, that to him is me trying to justify my actions, sometimes he will ask why I did a certain thing when he knows it will displease him, but generally he just wants the apology and moves on......sigh....understanding what more could I ask for. I am blessed and lucky :-) He has a lot of patience.

mouse

quote:

ORIGINAL: chamberqueen

Saying "I'm sorry" can be very difficult because we are admitting that we were wrong. Saying "I'm sorry" without a list of excuses behind it is even harder. Been there - done that.

You CAN train yourself that way. It took me years to do it. I truly felt sorry for certain things inside, was truly harder on myself than anyone else could ever have been, but pride got in the way of me saying it - especially with no explanation as to why I did what I did.

So, I started practicing. I got myself to the point where I could say, "I'm sorry, I screwed up" and leave it at that. Was it easy? By no means. Was it worth it? Absolutely. I could be forgiven, I could forgive myself, I could deal with whatever the consequences were and move on.

We are human and will make mistakes. It doesn't just happen on the submissive side. Some of the most endearing words I ever heard from my Master were "I'm sorry" when he got some additional information and realized that he had jumped to a conclusion. Those two words built more trust in me for him than just about anything else that had gone on in our relationship before that. It made him all the more worthy of my honor, and the same can be said of subs who can sincerely say "I'm sorry" to their Doms.

(in reply to chamberqueen)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: Saying Sorry? - 8/7/2010 8:17:42 PM   
Hismouse


Posts: 34
Joined: 3/31/2010
Status: offline 		Oh I could not agree more julia, it must come from the heart, for if it doesn't it is a lie, and why the hell bother.

mouse

quote:

ORIGINAL: juliaoceania


If apologizing is what I call "social grease", I don't do it. In other words I do not apologize to make the problem vanish and to keep them from bitching at me. I only apologize when I mean it, and it comes from my heart, and I have no trouble doing that if I feel I am wrong...

If I am not wrong, I am not apologizing.

(in reply to juliaoceania)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: Saying Sorry? - 8/7/2010 8:19:25 PM   
Hismouse


Posts: 34
Joined: 3/31/2010
Status: offline 		Oh that sounds like me, embarrassed and defensive. Seems I posted this question just when I was meant to :-)

mouse
quote:

ORIGINAL: DefiantFlower

I was just talking about this with a friend the other day. Here's what we came up with...

Saying "I'm sorry" carries much more meaning than just an apology. It can be like silently admitting you were wrong and somehow messed up. This in turn can cause some people to feel vulnerable, humbled, embarrassed, and defensive. A mere apology can turn into an admission of weakness and that some battle was lost. Not really sure where those feelings come from, possibly the lack of practice in apologies as a child. All this need not be so melodramatic and complicated. Just the faintest hint of this reaction can make an apology more difficult. Perhaps try to acknowledge the feelings you have when faced with a difficult, heartfelt apology. Maybe identifying even the tiniest of emotions can help you face what exactly makes it so hard.

I seriously doubt it's because you don't care enough about the situation or person. You wouldn't have taken the time to write all that if you didn't give a shit. Hope this helps!

(in reply to DefiantFlower)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: Saying Sorry? - 8/7/2010 8:21:55 PM   
sexyred1


Posts: 8998
Joined: 8/9/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Hismouse

Oh I could not agree more julia, it must come from the heart, for if it doesn't it is a lie, and why the hell bother.mouse

quote:

ORIGINAL: juliaoceania






Ah..that is the problem. What is worse than having trouble saying sorry is when someone continually tells you they are sorry, but never changes the behavior that makes them sorry.

I would rather someone never said it, then someone who says it over and over and over again...so much so that the very sound of it is just empty air.

(in reply to Hismouse)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: Saying Sorry? - 8/7/2010 11:09:08 PM   
ResidentSadist


Posts: 12580
Joined: 2/11/2007
From: a mean old Daddy, but I like you - Joni Mitchell
Status: offline 		Whisper "I'm sorry" 3 timed under your breath before saying it.  Practice makes perfect, try using a mirror to develop a convincing delivery. .  Screw up your courage, put away your ego, drop your emotional defenses, put some friendly body language in those long legs, seductively flip that long hair over your shoulder, put a comely look on your face and a sorrowful look in your eyes and say it.  . . . I'm pretty sure you'll get a favorable response.  Even if you back out at the last moment and fail to speak the words, you'll prolly' end up getting laid instead.


_____________________________

-=BDSM Book List=- Reading is Fundamental !!!
I give good thread.

(in reply to sexyred1)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: Saying Sorry? - 8/8/2010 1:03:32 AM   
Hismouse


Posts: 34
Joined: 3/31/2010
Status: offline 		LOL Thank you ResidentSadist,
Well if doing all those things would result in me getting laid, that would make it so worthwhile :-) All good advice
mouse
quote:

ORIGINAL: ResidentSadist

Whisper "I'm sorry" 3 timed under your breath before saying it.  Practice makes perfect, try using a mirror to develop a convincing delivery. .  Screw up your courage, put away your ego, drop your emotional defenses, put some friendly body language in those long legs, seductively flip that long hair over your shoulder, put a comely look on your face and a sorrowful look in your eyes and say it.  . . . I'm pretty sure you'll get a favorable response.  Even if you back out at the last moment and fail to speak the words, you'll prolly' end up getting laid instead.


(in reply to ResidentSadist)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: Saying Sorry? - 8/8/2010 3:35:19 AM   
NorthernGent


Posts: 8730
Joined: 7/10/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Hismouse

I have a hard time using the word sorry, and I guess I'm not always humble. Are there any others that feel
this way? How do you get past it, is there something different you can do? Any idea's on how I can overcome
it?

Hismouse


Don't have a problem apologising...although it's a result of when I know I've let myself down...and consequently let others down...as opposed to when someone else thinks I should apologise.

Try just been philosophical about life.....you have weaknesses and so you'll make mistakes....you have choices to make and so sometimes you won't choose wisely....that's life....and if you accept you're far from perfect and will make mistakes.....then it's only a short step to apologising for those mistakes. Perhaps you should think about what it means to be a human being.....

_____________________________

I have the courage to be a coward - but not beyond my limits.

Sooner or later, the man who wins is the man who thinks he can.

(in reply to Hismouse)
Profile   Post #: 20
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