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Seeking Advice About Humiliation - 8/7/2010 10:09:26 AM

HisEvelyn

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This is something I have been puzzling over for weeks, and I simply cannot seem to come to terms with it on my own. So I'm reaching out for some insight from others, in hopefully helping me come to grips with this confusion I'm experiencing.

Master and I often engage in what some would consider humiliation play. Name calling, spanking, etc. However, in all of these play scenes, I have never actually felt humiliated. Being called his slave, his fucktoy, his naughty little whore just made me feel sensual, erotic, free in so many ways.

About two weeks ago, we did a very intense scene together, and for the first time I actually felt embarrassed by what he made me do. Not really humiliated, but embarrassed. However, I also liked it. Very much. At no time did I ever feel like I wanted to stop, and in the moment I was thoroughly enthralled and completely into it.

Even after it is all said and done, I still liked it. I look back on it and I want to do it again. But for some reason, there is something in my head that keeps getting stuck on why I actually felt embarrassed. And about why I enjoy feeling actually embarrassed.

I usually don't like being truly embarrassed or humiliated. It makes me feel really insecure and unsafe. I still felt safe with my Master. We've been together for nine months now, and I know very well that he would never want any experience to be bad for me, just to please him.

And it wasn't bad, it was just... weird. I cannot seem to understand or figure out why I like, but am bothered in some way, by enjoying actually feeling embarrassed during play. I have discussed this with my Master a few times, and what he says about it's likely me feeling vulnerable on a new level makes sense to me... but it doesn't really calm the confusion either.

It's like part of me is telling me there's something wrong if I'm actually unsettled enough by play to be embarrassed... but I really loved it. I apologize if this is kind of stupid, but I am still new to this lifestyle. For nine months, I have embraced pretty much everything I have learned and come across, but this is sticking in my brain for some reason.

Can anyone offer some insight or thoughts? I'm hoping just getting other points of view will give me enough to go on to work through this.

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RE: Seeking Advice About Humiliation - 8/7/2010 11:20:46 AM

exploringsiren

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I understand your confusion. If you do a search on the boards for 'emotional masochism' you may find some old threads that helped me a lot when I was trying to figure this part of my personality out.

I love humiliation from Master. I love him taking me low, because he brings me right back. It never feels painful or hard when he does it. It feels like it's right where I need to be, like he sees the real me and revels in it and lets me enjoy it. I can never be dirty enough for him, and I love that. He points out the nasty things I want and do for him and I blush terribly, but get wet and turned on at the same time. It's just something I had to accept in myself to embrace it.

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RE: Seeking Advice About Humiliation - 8/7/2010 11:48:13 AM

HisEvelyn

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Thank you, Siren. I'll do that search now. I really appreciate you responding.

I'd love any other replies, as well.

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RE: Seeking Advice About Humiliation - 8/7/2010 1:12:41 PM

txurinal

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i know exactly wha you are feeling. i have often been ordered to do things publicly that normallly i would not whether it is an act or having totllstrangers i am aworthless slave. It is really exciting to me to do these things that unless ordered, would never do and yes, i really do not feel "humiliated" by doing them

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RE: Seeking Advice About Humiliation - 8/7/2010 3:08:23 PM

Focus50

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To me, humiliation only exists in 3rd party form. That is, the things I do to and with my girl aren't about embarrassing and humiliating her at all, but they likely would be if she knew one or more others were watching.

I've had subs who were self-conscious about being naked. So I usually resolved this by keeping her naked for extended periods. My attitude is that if she's embarrassed then it infers we're doing something wrong; that she's deferring to society's behavioural standards rather than mine. And since I'm not a bad guy at all, it just won't do that she's embarrassed etc at what I want of her.

I don't do public humiliation! I'm not a good match for subs who crave it. But do I make her do things that outsiders might see as embarrassing, degrading, humiliating etc? Absolutely! It's just that they ain't gonna see and why I then expect her unhesitating compliance.

Focus.

_____________________________

Never underestimate the persuasive power of stupid people in large groups. <unknown>

Your food is for eating, not torturing. <my mum> (Errm, when I was a kid)

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RE: Seeking Advice About Humiliation - 8/7/2010 3:13:22 PM

porcelaine

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quote:

ORIGINAL: HisEvelyn

Even after it is all said and done, I still liked it. I look back on it and I want to do it again. But for some reason, there is something in my head that keeps getting stuck on why I actually felt embarrassed. And about why I enjoy feeling actually embarrassed.

You enjoy the mindfuck. As you already mentioned it wasn't really embarrassing. But it exploited your discomfort in a manner that was arousing. It's a common association for those that engage in this kind of play.

~porcelaine

_____________________________

His will; my fate.

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RE: Seeking Advice About Humiliation - 8/7/2010 4:52:56 PM

HisEvelyn

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Thank you for the replies. I've done a fair amount of reading on the older threads concerning this now, and after reading those and reading the insight provided here, I think I'm starting to come to terms with it.
It's also very good to know I'm not alone in feeling this way and being uncertain.

It's very true, that what my Master had me do was not something I would do on my own. And if he demanded I do such a thing in public, it would probably be too much. But I trust my Master to know that about me by now, and I know he would not push it that far. It will remain just between us when we go that intense.

I was struggling with the idea that if I was actually embarrassed by the act, there must be something wrong with it. That maybe in some way, I was allowing something bad to be done to me. But as Focus said, only society would consider it to be bad. And I'm already flaunting a hell of a lot of what society says already, lol. My Master is a good, loving and caring man, and he would never truly degrade me. And as I said, I truly did enjoy it. If I enjoyed it, and my Master enjoyed me doing it, then that is all that matters, right? And it was thrilling on a core level to feel embarrassed, blushing and giddy in some ways, but doing it anyway like a good girl.

I think I just finally ran into something that challenged me a bit, that made me really look at how I am now pleasing my Master, and in doing so, pleasing myself, and to hell with what society thinks. I still have some thinking to do, but I think I'm on the road to understanding. :)

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RE: Seeking Advice About Humiliation - 8/7/2010 5:56:09 PM

exploringsiren

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Personally, I love hitting those walls like you just did, HisEvelyn, and moving past them. It's kinda cool to look deep inside and see what we're made of, what we're capable of, the darker things that twist us into good, lovely, enticing knots. :) I guess I like a challenge sometimes. There's a thrill in meeting a challenge he sets for me.

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RE: Seeking Advice About Humiliation - 8/8/2010 5:06:38 AM

ranja

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my Husband has done and does things to me that are embarrassing to me, sometimes maybe i will be insecure and wondering if i am mad to accept these things... there is no good way i can talk about it with Him as He is not much of a talker... and so it seems like i need to nit pick about things... talk them to death and He has already moved past the whole thing without much difficulties it seems.

If i get emotional right after or during the 'incident' He responds with care and deals with it... but sometimes i seem to suffer a belated reaction and dwell on stuff and days or weeks or months later am still pondering about it by myself... sometimes i lose sight of what exactly it is that bothered me, and i take His lead and just move on and forget about it.

For years i have been sort of bothered by that incident with the banana (i was blind folded and He pretended to poo on me) finally i understand totally how funny it was and the risk He took... it is all to do with manipulating your own mind to be free about all these things... to accept these weird things you do together and strengten your bond, these experiences make life with someone special

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RE: Seeking Advice About Humiliation - 8/8/2010 7:51:03 AM

WestBaySlave

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I think there are areas of play where we suddenly feel out of our depth or ill at ease even if we're quite capable of going through it and are enjoying it.

My current master is much more of a sadist than any man I've been with previously, and sometimes I've actually felt upset and emotionally hurt during play even while I'm enjoying it and it was a big question mark in my mind what was happening when I felt these emotions. I'd never felt emotional distress during pain before, and at first it was confusing to be feeling that during a sexually and emotionally bonding time with another. Thankfully, he's also been very kind and considerate when it comes to letting me wind down from these points, and after a few times reaching that point and safely coming back I feel safer and less weird going there.

So, I guess my online advice is - no need to worry, it's normal during play that expands our experiences.

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RE: Seeking Advice About Humiliation - 8/8/2010 12:49:39 PM

HisEvelyn

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I definitely felt out of my depth! But it was very enjoyable. I suppose that happens with a lot of things in life, not necessarily sexual or concerning WIITWD. You reach a wall in your head, climb over it, and you feel a little uncomfortable for a while with the new place beyond the wall. Even if it's a good place you find yourself in!

Thank you yet again for the continued replies. Each and every one helps me to understand a little more. And I'm confident now that I can move past this, and not let it interfere in any way with the wonderful experiences I have with my Master. It just means that as we explore more deeply, and go further into the realm of what is possible and pleasurable for us, I'll occasionally hit places where it's so new that I'll be a bit embarrassed or disconcerted even while I love it.

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RE: Seeking Advice About Humiliation - 8/12/2010 11:19:57 AM

dansarani

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@HisEvelyn....I would like to point out a little thing that you said in your first post....how being called a slave, a fucktoy, etc....was a kind of humiliation. Master and i call this 'sensual humiliation'. 'Sensual humiliation' is more about doing things that bring out the inner slut. I used to not like being called a whore....now when he says it, my inner slut comes out and we get to play with her. The same for other names and actions. Even some of the things that he has me do in public, we still consider 'sensual humiliation' because it's embracing the slut side (in us both).

The other type of humiliation, we call 'ordeal humiliation'. It's about overcoming fears, or being stripped of the ego so that you can re-build yourself to be an even stronger person. It can be very rewarding if it's not used to harm your psyche. :)

I'm glad to hear that you are embracing something that works for you. No one is being hurt by this. Enjoy yourself!!! :)

With Pleasure,
dawn
www.eroticawakening.com (podcast)

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