Maybe this is a stupid question... (Full Version)

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crazypatient -> Maybe this is a stupid question... (4/19/2006 11:25:30 AM)

maybe this is dumb, but on the subject of subs with problems...  is that okay?  Is it wrong of me to seek a dom who will take control of my life when I feel out of control and miserable?  is it somehow wrong to want a dom to tell me what do do if I hate making decisions?  I've heard people say that you should be well to be in this lifestyle... but what if my cravings for this are why I'm not so well?  what if I'm a girl who just can't survive making her own decisions?  Is that wrong?  As some of you know, I have a history of self-injury..  does that eliminate me from that world?  or include me more?  do any of you call it wrong to crave pain?  for pain to make things feel better?  I'm not sure if I've expressed myself correctly... if anyone needs clarification, please ask, because I dont know that my words have correctly reflected my meaning...




Dustyn -> RE: Maybe this is a stupid question... (4/19/2006 11:33:49 AM)

Sounds to me like you are a cutter.  Until you give us more information to mull over in our heads, though, yer probably not going to get very good answers.




starymists -> RE: Maybe this is a stupid question... (4/19/2006 11:37:07 AM)

I can only speak for myself and how I apply my own state of readiness for a relationship. I like being told what to do. I like my Dominant to make the decisions. The difference is, I am perfectly capable of making the decisions for myself. It's someting I choose to give up. When I am not in a relationship, I am still fully functional. I might feel incomplete, but my life is in order. Also, for myself, I find it important to me to be in a position of strength. How can I give my Dominant control if I don't have control to give? If I can't control my own emotions, how can I expect someone else to do that?
 
In your case, I'd have to say that your inability to make the decisions for yourself is a signal that there is a deeper problem. While I don't think it eliminates you from participating in BDSM, I would caution you. All too often, the intensity of a 24/7 lifestyle *which is basically what you need if you need someone else to make all the decisions for you to survive and be healthy* can create other problems as well as making existing problems worse. It also puts a lot of stress on a relationship, and leaves you wide open to being abused rather than Dominated.
 
If it were me, I'd suggest getting some therapy to figure out ~why~ you have difficulty being self-sufficient rather than jumping into a relationship, but that's just my own perspective. Good Luck!




LuckyAlbatross -> RE: Maybe this is a stupid question... (4/19/2006 11:37:34 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: crazypatient
maybe this is dumb, but on the subject of subs with problems...  is that okay? 

It's ok to have them, everyone does.
quote:

 Is it wrong of me to seek a dom who will take control of my life when I feel out of control and miserable?

Yes.  Because if you aren't in control of your life and miserable, how can you be capable of getting into a solid long term situation? 

quote:

 is it somehow wrong to want a dom to tell me what do do if I hate making decisions? 

No, it's not wrong to want that. It's probably not a good sign however if that is your primary motivation for getting involved with someone else.

quote:

 I've heard people say that you should be well to be in this lifestyle... but what if my cravings for this are why I'm not so well? what if I'm a girl who just can't survive making her own decisions?  Is that wrong?

You've survived this long.  Seriously, if you aren't functioning well on your own, it's not a good idea to get into a relationship with someone else- especially not if it's because you're too messed up and can't function well.

quote:

As some of you know, I have a history of self-injury..  does that eliminate me from that world?  or include me more?

Neither, it means you have problems and issues that are deeper and need more attention than finding a figure head or dom.

quote:

  do any of you call it wrong to crave pain? 

Craving pain is one thing.  Craving pain because you need to escape and can't handle life in a healthy functioning way is another.

quote:

 for pain to make things feel better?

That never works in the long term.

quote:

  I'm not sure if I've expressed myself correctly... if anyone needs clarification, please ask, because I dont know that my words have correctly reflected my meaning...

You have problems that need more attention than simply finding a dom will help.  I know it often gets professed here how much doms help subs and how great they are at building subs up- but they aren't therapists and they aren't life coaches and they aren't what you need right now.




akisha -> RE: Maybe this is a stupid question... (4/19/2006 12:00:09 PM)

Excellently stated LA , simple and to the point. *smiles*




Proprietrix -> RE: Maybe this is a stupid question... (4/19/2006 12:22:41 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: crazypatient
maybe this is dumb, but on the subject of subs with problems...  is that okay?  Is it wrong of me to seek a dom who will take control of my life when I feel out of control and miserable?  is it somehow wrong to want a dom to tell me what do do if I hate making decisions?  I've heard people say that you should be well to be in this lifestyle... but what if my cravings for this are why I'm not so well?  what if I'm a girl who just can't survive making her own decisions?  Is that wrong?  As some of you know, I have a history of self-injury..  does that eliminate me from that world?  or include me more?  do any of you call it wrong to crave pain?  for pain to make things feel better?  I'm not sure if I've expressed myself correctly... if anyone needs clarification, please ask, because I dont know that my words have correctly reflected my meaning...


I persoanlly do not want a submissive who is only in a relationship with me because I can fulfill a role in their life as a therapist or enabler to their own self-destruction. Nor do I want a submissive who depends on me for their own feelings of self acceptance.

If you're a self-injurer, it is for a reason. It is a coping mechanism, like any other. I don't see SIs' coping mechanism as any more or less destructive than any other unhealthy coping mechanism. But the bottom line is that it *is* an unhealthy and ineffective manner of dealing with the issues that we all have to face in life.

I'm not arm chair theorizing or talking out my ass here. I fully understand every dynamic there is to be understood about coping via SI.

Inability to make daily living decisions, pain to reduce stress, constant feelings of helplessness and apathy, inability to survive without reinforcement.... these are not *who you are*. These are signs of what's going on inside.

Although I'm not one for titled diagnoses, these are all symptoms of a larger problem. By getting a Dominant who will band-aid these symptoms, you are really doing both yourself, and that person, an injustice in the long run. You don't need a Dominant band-aid. You need to take the personal responsibility of yourself, your mental stability, and your place in this world. THEN move on to healthy relationships.

I know how you're feeling and I understand that having someone shrug you off as "having problems" or label you as a hard core masochist, will satiate that need you have inside to feel acceptance. But in the long run, even covering up issues with masochism will not suffice. In time, you'll find yourself annoyed that whoever is Topping you in play can't make it hurt enough, or can't bring you to tears, and then it's back to the drawing board of SI because you are the only one who really understands what it takes for your physical pain to make your emotional pain subside.

I'm not saying that you do or don't / should or shouldn't seek a therapist. Finding help for the underlying problem IS a LONG and HARD journey. Much much longer and harder than any D/s dynamic out there. It is a LONELY journey. And a SCARY one. And it takes a shit load of determination, perseverance, and strength that probably seem completely unattainable from where you're sitting.
But if you ever do manage to get down that road to self-recovery and finding happiness *within yourself*, your relationships in the future will thank you. There's nothing more fulfilling than being able to look in the mirror each day and seeing a stronger and happier person looking back. No BDSM relationship will ever give that to you. Only you can make that happen.




thetammyjo -> RE: Maybe this is a stupid question... (4/19/2006 12:38:47 PM)

starymists' comments and suggestions are wonderful, crazypatient.

I strongly suggest you consider what is said below and I'll second it.

Most of us have problems but BDSM and Ds is not the same as getting help or getting therapy. I personally will not be a therapist or a parent for my subs or my slaves. They have to be adult, full adults, to be capable, in my opinion, to make a decision to be mine. That doesn't mean they are perfect, merely that they know where their weaknesses lay and are working on improving.

Always be upfront, crazypatient, about what you are looking for. I'm sure there may be folks out there who will and can give you what you want but they may be rarer than some other types of dominants. Being upfront about what you want will increase your chances of success.

quote:

ORIGINAL: starymists

I can only speak for myself and how I apply my own state of readiness for a relationship. I like being told what to do. I like my Dominant to make the decisions. The difference is, I am perfectly capable of making the decisions for myself. It's someting I choose to give up. When I am not in a relationship, I am still fully functional. I might feel incomplete, but my life is in order. Also, for myself, I find it important to me to be in a position of strength. How can I give my Dominant control if I don't have control to give? If I can't control my own emotions, how can I expect someone else to do that?

In your case, I'd have to say that your inability to make the decisions for yourself is a signal that there is a deeper problem. While I don't think it eliminates you from participating in BDSM, I would caution you. All too often, the intensity of a 24/7 lifestyle *which is basically what you need if you need someone else to make all the decisions for you to survive and be healthy* can create other problems as well as making existing problems worse. It also puts a lot of stress on a relationship, and leaves you wide open to being abused rather than Dominated.

If it were me, I'd suggest getting some therapy to figure out ~why~ you have difficulty being self-sufficient rather than jumping into a relationship, but that's just my own perspective. Good Luck!




slaveladyj -> RE: Maybe this is a stupid question... (4/19/2006 12:45:54 PM)

I have to agree with starymist. It sounds to me as if you have deeper problems and are looking for an escape rather than a solution.




enthralled -> RE: Maybe this is a stupid question... (4/19/2006 12:46:32 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: crazypatient

maybe this is dumb, but on the subject of subs with problems...  is that okay?  Is it wrong of me to seek a dom who will take control of my life when I feel out of control and miserable?  is it somehow wrong to want a dom to tell me what do do if I hate making decisions?  I've heard people say that you should be well to be in this lifestyle... but what if my cravings for this are why I'm not so well?  what if I'm a girl who just can't survive making her own decisions?  Is that wrong?  As some of you know, I have a history of self-injury..  does that eliminate me from that world?  or include me more?  do any of you call it wrong to crave pain?  for pain to make things feel better?  I'm not sure if I've expressed myself correctly... if anyone needs clarification, please ask, because I dont know that my words have correctly reflected my meaning...


No, your questions NOR you are dumb.
I have some questions for you to ponder though.......
Are you wanting a Dominant/Master to FIX you? To come along and make everything better? To make all your problems go away?
If you answered yes to ANY of those questions, then in my opinion, you really don't need to be seeking this type relationship because it's just not realistic. It's really hard, if not impossible, for one to fix what they didnt break.
You mentioned self-injury.  Are you doing it to deal with pain .... or to cause pain simply for the fact that you enjoy it? When did you start? Why do you do it now? ..... does it make you feel 'alive'? Self-injury neither includes or excludes you from this lifestyle. Though statistics tend to show that a good percentage of submissives had some weird childhoods, it's certainly not a prerequisite.
As for your decision making, I have to ask you this..... if you are incapable of making decisions, how do you suppose you'll care for a Master or his house? If anything, you will certainly make more decisions as a submissive in caring for her Master than one without ... make sense?
And no, it's not wrong to crave pain, unless you are using it to escape some other reality in your life. I'm a masochist myself, and something I've learned over the years is that it's not always the pain I crave, but where the pain takes me. Pain is only the avenue to where I want to go.
I wish you the best of luck dear!

Respectfully,
enthralled
http://www.palace.net/~llama/psych/injury.html  


Edited to add link





Vancouver_cinful -> RE: Maybe this is a stupid question... (4/19/2006 4:19:06 PM)

You are getting some great feedback here and I support all that has been said.

I will add this...You have clearly thought out what you want a dom to do for you...but in deciding whether you are ready for any relationship you have to know the answer to the other side of that equation...

What can you offer a dominant (or any other partner) in a relationship? Is it fair to ask someone to take on all your pain and issues, if you aren't shouldering the main burden of trying to heal yourself?

I hope this doesn't sound harsh...I just think it's the other side of the coin, here. Food for thought.

Cin




sharainks -> RE: Maybe this is a stupid question... (4/19/2006 4:41:50 PM)

I would like the OP to think about one part of what she said.   "do any of you call it wrong to crave pain?  for pain to make things feel better? "

There are different reasons for craving pain.  For many on here it is sensual or simply the stimulation they need to become sexually excited.  What your statement seems to be saying is that in the same way that people who self harm often have a rush of relief after the act, you expect that bdsm will bring the same rush of relief as self injury.

For some people it does have that effect, it releases pent up emotions and they feel cleansed.  However it does place the Dom/me in the position of untrained therapist to heal emotional problems that are better healed in other ways. I'll echo the sentiment that you would probably be happier if you learn to cope with some of your internal pain before seeking a D/s relationship.




VvShadowspawnvV -> RE: Maybe this is a stupid question... (4/19/2006 4:47:30 PM)

A slightly different view from most of the other posts here...

i, too, have a history of depression, and have, at times, hurt myself. For me, it was a way to EXternalize INternal pain, and thus make it easier to deal with. While i do not claim that this is quote/unquote "healthy", i DO know that it is not uncommon. Since i have been with Master, i have not been depressed. Sad, yes... upset, yes... there is a difference. By giving myself to Him, i am no longer in control of my own emotions. i am NOT saying i never have feelings He does not approve of- i'm human. What i am saying is: i am not allowed the luxury of wallowing in them, and helping them feed on themselves. i snap out of it or get spanked out of it. Since the spanking externalizes it (ah ha!), i get over it. And since Master is a good, sane, decent man... it is safer for Him to "hurt" me than it may be for me to hurt myself. On another note- since i am a slave at heart, my self-esteem depends, to a large degree, on His opinion of me. This might be disastrous with the wrong man, i know... but, again- He is a good man, who loves me, so it helps.

i think the point of this ramble is that, while finding a man, any man, to order your life about will probably not "cure" you... finding the RIGHT man to help you order your life and find your place will probably not hurt. Finding one's place, knowing one's place, and BEING OKAY WITH one's place- despite its social-unacceptedness- is a good step towards a girl's emotional health, in my opinion.

becca




NeedToUseYou -> RE: Maybe this is a stupid question... (4/19/2006 5:21:02 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: crazypatient

maybe this is dumb, but on the subject of subs with problems...  is that okay?  Is it wrong of me to seek a dom who will take control of my life when I feel out of control and miserable?  is it somehow wrong to want a dom to tell me what do do if I hate making decisions?  I've heard people say that you should be well to be in this lifestyle... but what if my cravings for this are why I'm not so well?  what if I'm a girl who just can't survive making her own decisions?  Is that wrong?  As some of you know, I have a history of self-injury..  does that eliminate me from that world?  or include me more?  do any of you call it wrong to crave pain?  for pain to make things feel better?  I'm not sure if I've expressed myself correctly... if anyone needs clarification, please ask, because I dont know that my words have correctly reflected my meaning...


I don't think it is wrong to seek a Dom, as long as you are straight foward with him, and your intentions and wants. Which I'm not privvy to, so can't respond to that. As in are you seeking a Dom to indulge the pain, or do you want one to help you get past it and control your behaviour. I think you should be very careful though, as most knowing your condition will be seeking you for that condition, obviously. If you are wanting to get past that condition or find a less destructive outlet, I would be very, very careful in finding a balanced Dom that understands your desires whatever those may be.   But doing that  requires  alot  of  self control on your part not jumping at the first opportunity to relinquish responsiblity.  If you find a good Dom I'm sure it would be great, but the number of predators looking for a girl with issues will surely outweigh the legitimate ones, that have your interests at heart.

So, good luck but be careful, as you might find yourself in a much worse situation.




RavenMuse -> RE: Maybe this is a stupid question... (4/20/2006 2:28:43 AM)

I am a Dom, not a therapist. However, that said, nobody is perfect and everyone as some problem or other and I am the first line of support for my girl. But I don't want her to be with me because I am the best choise of 'shrink' available, I want her to be with me because I am ME and I bring out her need to submit to ME.

If those problems are all that is being given I would say you maybe looking in the wrong place, if however they are just a side dish that comes along with building a D/s relationship with you then, join the club, most folks are like that to some extent and you might even have a head start because you have an idea of what those problems are and therefore can help the Dom understand them better faster and avoid some fairly obvious pitfalls.




RiotGirl -> RE: Maybe this is a stupid question... (4/20/2006 3:04:06 AM)

quote:

I am perfectly capable of making the decisions for myself.


i'm not, i'm really indecisive. 

i'm also going to take a different view on the topic.  i think its okay if you're upfront about it all.  i dont mean shed it all out in the first meeting.  But let them know excatly where you are at.  i did so with Himself.  i never hid my wackiness from him, infact i sorta got wackier the first couple of months with him.  As i generally do when i'm head over heels.  He knows more about me then any living person on this earth.  He knows i've alot of issues that haunt me from past experiences.  He knows i'm a cutter too. = )  And oddly he was the first person to ever do anything about it.  i remember my when my mom saw fresh wounds on me not too long ago, and told me there was something wrong with me.  i looked at her and said "what do you care" effectively shutting her up.  He amazingly helps me.  In turn i try and help back.. as for me cutting at times becomes an obession to "feel better"  Though i usually alert him when it gets to that point and he sits up with me.  In the end, i know its for the best and he knows it'll pass. 

Anyways, i'm screwed in the head.  i probably will be so for a very long time to come.  i'm not going to put my life on hold.  i dont think that just cos your screwed in the head means you cant be in a r/s.  Though i do think that you shouldnt expect anyone else to deal with it for you. Never expected him to "fix" me.  i expected him to "accept" me, problems and all and if he couldnt fair nuff.  But he did.  And Its done absolute wonders for me.  His care, his guidence, that damn strong backbone and his even stronger will.. He's just helped me out alot.  Just by being who he is. 

but i never expected it.  The only one that can really fix you is you.  Cant help those who wont help themselves.  Yes he can help me.. but i ultimetly have to do it.  i dunno.  Though before meeting him i didnt realise what a lack of control i had in my life.  i didnt realise i've been out of control for a very long time.  i didnt realise how much i needed it neither.  i just went happily and springly on my way.  In a really odd way, its almost like i'm being reparented.  All the things no one ever taught me, no one ever could stand their ground with me.. he's done.  He's given me common rules to follow.

Like No, you cant climb on the roof
No, you cant hitch hike
No, you cant take long walks late at night (tho i got him to revoke that)
No you cant drink until your absolutetly sick, a nuisance, and almost a danger to yourself
No you cant disapear while you're drunk to god knows where showing up when you feel like it
No you cant hurt yourself
No you cant swear
No you cant throw major fits
When you argue, you do not shout and hollar
Nor do you throw things
No you cant take things and break them over your own head.
No you do not beat ppl up - no matter how much you want too.
Learn respect
Learn love
No the world isnt out to harm you (tho i'm still doubtful on this)
Yes you can trust ppl
Yes you actually have to follow rules
Yes there are consequences.
Men are not inherently evil, generally speaking they're not too bad.

Best of all. 
Yes you can actually be safe (even from yourself)
and no he will not let any harm, whether it emotional or physical come to me
And yes there is some one out there who can truely love me, that will hug me when i cry, hold my hand when i'm scared and generally look after to me to make sure i'm okay.

LOL he's put alot of control in my life.  Taken this wild untame able girl into tame.  To settled, to some one that actually wants to do something other then create chaos and put herself in dangerous harmful situations. Some one that actually cares again and wants to do something with herself.  Instead of just what she needs. 

i used to not care.  Literally, i didnt care.  There wasnt much you could do to me that i would give a flying F over.  i was pretty much cold and closed.  And there was only one person on this earth that i actually did care about and she came out my stomach.  Other then that, i could careless and i lived life that way.  People, friends, family it was all meaningless.  LOL before him i dated a few ppl, one in which while i was dating him slept with my best friend.  i didnt care.  But then i realised it was going to happen as soon as they met.  Yet i didnt care, i just entertained myself watching it play out and watching them both absolutetly deny any interest in each other.

So while you can find a relationship while you're screwed in the head.  Just dont expect them to "fix" you.  Dont expect them to take on your problems, they have their own.  Yours are by no stretch any more significant than anyone elses, nor are mine, nor are anyone's. 

General rule - never expect anything from anyone.  You have no right.  You may be end up lucky and find some one that wants to give these things to you.  But dont count on it!  i've been in countless r/s were i was accepted.  LOL even some where i wasnt accepted.  But no one ever gave me these things.  Nor did i want them too, as i didnt really give a flying F over a rolling donut.

Thats my thoughts on it




RiotGirl -> RE: Maybe this is a stupid question... (4/20/2006 3:10:19 AM)

great link enthralled




Dustyn -> RE: Maybe this is a stupid question... (4/20/2006 3:24:29 AM)

This raises some interesting questions in my mind, in part because I can at least empathize with the original poster.

As a cutter, I can understand the need to escape from the universe as a whole and retreat to a universe of pain, preferably self induced.  Normally, it comes out in the form of taking something edged and literally cutting myself.  In some ways, it's a catharsis to feel something physical, as opposed to mental or emotional, especially since that physical pain is by your own choice, not another's.  At other times, I simply let the aggression in me build and build, purposely feeding it, until I explode and take that violence out on something inanimate, like brick walls or tree.  Something that can take some serious physical punishment, because I am never satisfied with just breaking the skin at that point.  I go until I'm exhausted, and usually in need of medical attention for at least fractured, if not broken, hands.

Yes, it is a very self-destructive thing to do, and very detrimental to several aspects of dealing with things properly, but there are people that simply can't at times.

I can see the poster's questioning over whether it is sane to want the pain to escape, but then again, I've asked that exact question of my shrink in the past.  It can be a vicious downward spiral, but it can also be used to one's advantage.  It's all in how the pain is utilized, not just experienced.  But that's just my take on it.

Considering that, looking to a Dom to provide the pain is actually a very sensible conclusion for my kind of people.  As much as those in the bdsm community rail against the preconceptions that 'vanilla' people have about the things we do, some people in the community itself rail against the majority that think escapism through sensory overload (I.E. pain) isn't safe.  It's what the person does with the pain that they are given that matters, not the motivation behind it.  If you want to just wallow in the pain an dmisery, then yes, you should probably avoid having a dom/top for a few different reasons.  If you use it to clear your mind, and focus your will to overcome the obstacles that are hindering you, then a dom/top that understands that could be beneficial.

Perhaps my view on this whole concept is skewed because of my own prediliction for this exact type of escapism, even if I prefer it to be self induced, so take what I wrote with a grain or two of salt.

- Dustyn




MissyRane -> RE: Maybe this is a stupid question... (4/20/2006 4:03:32 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: RiotGirl
He's given me common rules to follow.

Like No, you cant climb on the roof
No, you cant hitch hike
No, you cant take long walks late at night (tho i got him to revoke that)
No you cant drink until your absolutetly sick, a nuisance, and almost a danger to yourself
No you cant disapear while you're drunk to god knows where showing up when you feel like it
No you cant hurt yourself
No you cant swear
No you cant throw major fits
When you argue, you do not shout and hollar
Nor do you throw things
No you cant take things and break them over your own head.
No you do not beat ppl up - no matter how much you want too.
Learn respect
Learn love
No the world isnt out to harm you (tho i'm still doubtful on this)
Yes you can trust ppl
Yes you actually have to follow rules
Yes there are consequences.
Men are not inherently evil, generally speaking they're not too bad.

Thank goodness I've always admitted that I don't follow rules easily[&:][&:][&:][&:][&:]




Dustyn -> RE: Maybe this is a stupid question... (4/20/2006 4:08:59 AM)

Somehow, methinks that this list o' rules was not given all at once, but was in response to doing the exact opposite at least once. LOL

Granted, half of those things I do all the time, so maybe I'm just prejudiced. ;)




MissyRane -> RE: Maybe this is a stupid question... (4/20/2006 4:15:16 AM)

Yeah same here omy if I get angry..and yes I do have temper...I erm...really do become angry[:@] no swearing? swear at least twice a day ugh no climbing? I love climbing my hospital records proove that..beat ppl up? I've done it..I don't usually do it..but if I want to hell I do it...take long walks? walking is good for ya n the nights are always the best hour for it..also for jogging...trust ppl? um I've a hard time doing that   ..........respect? Only for those who earn it[:)] etcetcetc...       >looks at the confessions< n I didn't even finish all the rules...damn I feel like a failure[&:] ohwell always been the black sheep anywayz[:D] n i think i like it[8D]




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