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RE: Bad Temper Treatment - 4/20/2006 9:57:46 AM

TNstepsout

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Chaingang

I think your plan will have to suit the individual. Try these links (these are just quick google links):

"Controlling Anger -- Before It Controls You"
http://www.apahelpcenter.org/articles/article.php?id=29

"Strategies for Controlling Your Anger"
http://www.apahelpcenter.org/articles/article.php?id=30

Note how anger is often the result of the person feeling the anger being at fault somehow - sometimes they don't assert their needs, sometimes they fail to communicate effectively, etc. I would tell your son that when he gets angry, it's his fault because he didn't do something to better manage his stress, his situation, his needs, etc. When he is out of control IT'S HIS FAULT!

I would like to add that being out of control is unacceptable. Sure, it happens to us all sometimes - but flying off the handle all the time is not a very good every day strategy.

Hope that helps...

I appreciate the links. I will check them out and also have him check them out. That is his first assignment, to look up resources on the internet.

I realize it's unacceptable. He has been told repeatedly in many different circumstances that his temper is unacceptable. The problem now is figuring out a way to control it, or to at least tame it so he might live in harmony with it. I would like to take the emotionalism and blame aspect out of it and approach it in a completely non-judgemental manner. Much in the way one would approach a physical problem. I feel like the self-blame, self-recrimination, embarassment, shame, guilt, fear, etc... that he feels is simply adding to the problem. I would like to give him a course of action so he can begin to feel that he has some control and is taking an active role in improving, rather than feeling hopeless and helpless in the face of this monstrous beast that just takes over and ruins his life.

I agree I need a plan to suit the indvidual. That's one of the reasons I'm asking here rather than on some self-help forum. I think there are more men on these boards that might be the type my son would relate to and might have suggestions that would fit his personal style.

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RE: Bad Temper Treatment - 4/20/2006 10:04:23 AM

Chaingang

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I don't have children, so take that as you will...

But while you say "blame" I say "responsibility." He must take responsibility and control over his own emotions - that's just a fact. You can candy-coat it any way you want, but the facts are essentially the same. Judgment is not a bad word, that's how we assess things and move forward - we use our faculties of judgment to locate problem issues.

You should consider the ways you are enabling this defect in his character. The point here is not to blame the mother for the faults of the son, but to simply point out that he didn't learn to act this way in a vacuum. Those around him have been allowing it to occur.

BTW, there is no way I can recommend anything further online. If your son needs proper therapy or a support group, that's what you should find for him locally and offline.

I wish you and your son well.

< Message edited by Chaingang -- 4/20/2006 10:11:39 AM >

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RE: Bad Temper Treatment - 4/20/2006 10:28:49 AM

TNstepsout

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Chaingang

I don't have children, so take that as you will...

But while you say "blame" I say "responsibility." He must take responsibility and control over his own emotions - that's just a fact. You can candy-coat it any way you want, but the facts are essentially the same. Judgment is not a bad word, that's how we assess things and move forward - we use our faculties of judgment to locate problem issues.

You should consider the ways you are enabling this defect in his character. The point here is not to blame the mother for the faults of the son, but to simply point out that he didn't learn to act this way in a vacuum. Those around him have been allowing it to occur.

BTW, there is no way I can recommend anything further online. If your son needs proper therapy or a support group, that's what you should find for him locally and offline.

I wish you and your son well.

Not to beat a dead horse, but we are past that point. He has realized that his temper is his responsibility and he knows how much it will screw up his life if he doesn't get control of it. We are at the part where he has come to me and asked for my help.

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RE: Bad Temper Treatment - 4/20/2006 11:14:42 AM

Chaingang

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I'd say some short-term therapy was in order.

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RE: Bad Temper Treatment - 4/21/2006 5:07:25 AM

TNstepsout

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My thanks to everyone who weighed in on this subject to offer suggestions and support. I really REALLY appreciate your help and concern. It's helped me to come up with a plan of action for him and also helped me to work out where I think we need to start. (and it's 7am and I'm too bleary eyed to come up with an alternate word for 'help') *grins*

Thanks again

TN

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RE: Bad Temper Treatment - 4/21/2006 9:04:28 PM

TemptingNviceSub

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Had bad temper as a child..Mom set me down said get more results with nice than with attacking someone..personally thought thats pretty stupid!..but tried it once or twice to see ....what I saw was that it wasnt necessarily the nice that did it, it was the control aspect ...the more control I had the more thought came through the more thought the better manipulation of the other person I was in contention with the better manipulation the better control of THEM..and I came out smelling like a rose.....Tempting...

.errrr...of course I do not do this now..(grin)

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RE: Bad Temper Treatment - 4/22/2006 9:14:01 AM

MistressDREAD

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It soulds like this is episodes brought on by ???? who knows but the first things Id ask Him is what is he eating, drinking, smoking, taking befor these tantrums explode. Its wholly possible it could be a chemical embalanace that He is trying coping with unsuccessfully if not knowing where the anger is comming from. Many peoples personalities change with things as simple as alergic reactions to foods for example. Two find out what the issue is that brought on the anger and temper flairup
and address the issues by showing him just how such things effect His health by say taking his blood pressure the moment he is in a rage so he can see how his blood pressure is elevated by the act. This also helps to lower it when the person is trying to control their own health by watching the pressure being lowered by thought process. Find a chinese channeling class that teaches how to channel anger into a positive energy to be used in a positive manner. If all else fails buy a blow up doll, put a picture of him on the face area and let him have at it
punching it till its obiverated. Most dont want to hurt themselfs and looking at the face of theirselfs tends to let out the steam like a balloon so to speak deflating the issue that causes the temper in the first place.
because they dont want to hit themselfs and learn to control the outbursts of uncontrollable actions. A class of tolerance wouldent hurt either since he has had an outburst at work that caused him to lose it. Sounds as tho he has issues with power or pressure as well that needs to be worked on. of course he is an adult now and has to make the decisions to do any of the above, I think this issue should of been addressed long befor now. JMO

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RE: Bad Temper Treatment - 4/22/2006 9:24:38 AM

MissyRane

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When I think about bad temper I can't help thinking of..I think it's an old show of Law&Order..where there was this mom who had a glasseye(?) not sure if that's the word and every time she became angry or upset her eye popped out lololol gosh it was a funny show

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RE: Bad Temper Treatment - 4/22/2006 4:04:09 PM

TNstepsout

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quote:

ORIGINAL: MistressDREAD

of course he is an adult now and has to make the decisions to do any of the above, I think this issue should of been addressed long befor now. JMO

You made some very good suggestions. Some I'd never considered. What specifically did you mean by 'Chinese Channeling'? I'm not familiar with that. I am having him keep a log of his sleeping habits and once he's used to that I plan to track his eating habits as well.

Actually, the issue was addressed long before now. He saw his first counselor at age 5.

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RE: Bad Temper Treatment - 4/22/2006 7:39:43 PM

MistressDREAD

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Its a process used with accupuncture and heat and physical resistance to stimulate positive chi and remove over abundance of the negitive. It helps to balance the body with both physical and mental and spiritual stimulation.
Im glad to hear this issue has been addressed for longer then just now. Ive seen way to many aggressive children become violent adults with bad endings.

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