Keeping the dynamic alive when your 24/7 (Full Version)

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion



Message

CelticPrince -> Keeping the dynamic alive when your 24/7 (8/13/2010 10:26:34 PM)

I ran this thread about 2 years ago, but since then there has been about 30 thousand new folks that have found their way into CM it might be worth a new look for the benefit of those who have come since.

Many if not most folks on the path hope to develop into a permanet 24/7 relationship. While it is true that it is well nie impossible to keep the D/s edge going full time; it is also true [in my view ] that if attention is not paid to it the element of D/s will slowly erode into a vanilla relationship until one gets tired of it and begines to look elsewhere.

So simply put, what has worked for you and perhaps equally important....what did not.

what say you?

CP



littlewonder -> RE: Keeping the dynamic alive when your 24/7 (8/14/2010 3:28:44 AM)

We love and respect each other and we have realistic expectations of each other. 



CelticPrince -> RE: Keeping the dynamic alive when your 24/7 (8/14/2010 5:17:19 AM)

quote:

We love and respect each other and we have realistic expectations of each other. [/quote

littlewonder,

I get that but could you present what some of those expectations might be and how do they get employed?

CP



DarkSteven -> RE: Keeping the dynamic alive when your 24/7 (8/14/2010 5:20:41 AM)

It's been the case in every relationship I've known - it starts off a smoldering meeting of chemical attraction and then develops into shared nonsexual activities and nonshared ones as well.  The situation you described differs only in that the physical intimacy is kinky.

IMO, the relationship is the important part.  Having a relationship that endures is more important than what percent of kink is present.  And let's face it - there will be lawns to mow, kids to take care of, and shopping to do.

The solutions are:

1. Ensure that nonkink compatibility is present first.
2. Continual communication, to ensure that the partners will not grow apart when the inevitable growth occurs.
3. Acceptance that kink will be present but not 24/7.
4. Reducing nonshared activities as much as possible.



nephandi -> RE: Keeping the dynamic alive when your 24/7 (8/14/2010 5:32:45 AM)

Greetings

One side note. I am a member of two BDSM forums, this one and smil and Norwegian board. It is very interesting to see the culture differences. On smil 24/7 is all but shunned. Some very few pepole engage in it, but is is considered abnormal and many see it as dysfunctional or even abusive, especially if that 24/7 is TPE. Taken in Hand or other forms of light 24/7 is sort of ok, but just barely. Here however I come upon the thread where the OP makes the assumption that most pepole in the BDSM community have 24/7 as a ultimate goal and no one have protested that. Amazing culture differences. I think the truth perhaps is a bit in the middle of the two, very many want 24/7 and that is great and many others only want occasional play and that is great to.

Ok now back on topic. Keeping the dynamic alive is the most challenging thing for me in a power exchange relationship. Right now I am free but I have been both sub and slave for my beloved one and what causes problems for us time and time again is keeping the dynamic alive. It is easy to get lazy in everyday lives. I have found two things rather effective, one is to talk, talk and talk about it. Setting aside perhaps some hours every week to talk. Like for example setting aside Friday afternoon, making some snacks and just discuss the relationship. Another thing I have found to work are ritual. Not huge things it is hard to fit into daily life but little things that enforce the dynamic throughout the day. Like for example kneeling at the Dom's feet when he comes home, or asking to be allowed to eat or giving a bow or a curtsy when entering or leaving a room where the Dom is located. This enforces the dynamic on the mind. It really do not have to be big things.

Here are some examples of what worked for us, I had to ask for permission to masturbate, I would kneel by the door to welcome my Dom home. Every night I would get five lashes of the whip to symbolize I was under discipline. Now the list could go on but really it all depends on what works for the pepole in question as not all things will work for all pepole.

I wish you well.




slavekal -> RE: Keeping the dynamic alive when your 24/7 (8/14/2010 6:04:40 AM)

It is not as hard as some people make it out to be. Of course there can't be white hot intensity going on all day every day. But it is quite possible to have the program running in the background all the time. If the slave is required to wear a chastity device or a chain or some other reminder, he never completely forgets Mistress. If the mundane and boring chores have been assigned as part of slave duties, they take on an erotic edge and can actually be a type of foreplay.



CelticPrince -> RE: Keeping the dynamic alive when your 24/7 (8/14/2010 6:52:00 AM)

quote:

It's been the case in every relationship I've known - it starts off a smoldering meeting of chemical attraction and then develops into shared nonsexual activities and nonshared ones as well. The situation you described differs only in that the physical intimacy is kinky.

IMO, the relationship is the important part. Having a relationship that endures is more important than what percent of kink is present. And let's face it - there will be lawns to mow, kids to take care of, and shopping to do.

The solutions are:

1. Ensure that nonkink compatibility is present first.
2. Continual communication, to ensure that the partners will not grow apart when the inevitable growth occurs.
3. Acceptance that kink will be present but not 24/7.
4. Reducing nonshared activities as much as possible.


DS,

Appears to be some convincing words of wisdon that the less experienced might take to heart. Thanks for the input.

CP



DesFIP -> RE: Keeping the dynamic alive when your 24/7 (8/14/2010 7:27:32 AM)

I haven't found that it slowly disappears. I have found that it waxes and wanes. In times of more stress, obviously we just try to keep our heads above water. Less stress, and it will reassert itself.

As far as beoming a vanilla relationship? Not as far as I see it. There's still the same rules as before, it's just that they're internalized and neither of us needs pay attention to whether or not they're being followed since they automatically are. They've become habits. But that doesn't mean they still aren't his rules.

What does disappear is that feeling of being actively controlled that comes during the training process. But that's easily enough replaced with small acts of dominance or submission. Him coming up behind me and biting me on the neck. Me noticing he hasn't eaten and bringing him a plate of healthy snacks to keep him going or whispering what I'd like him to do to me later. Stuff that makes us sit up and take notice of each other for a minute.



CelticPrince -> RE: Keeping the dynamic alive when your 24/7 (8/14/2010 8:04:47 AM)

quote:

Greetings

One side note. I am a member of two BDSM forums, this one and smil and Norwegian board. It is very interesting to see the culture differences. On smil 24/7 is all but shunned. Some very few pepole engage in it, but is is considered abnormal and many see it as dysfunctional or even abusive, especially if that 24/7 is TPE. Taken in Hand or other forms of light 24/7 is sort of ok, but just barely. Here however I come upon the thread where the OP makes the assumption that most pepole in the BDSM community have 24/7 as a ultimate goal and no one have protested that. Amazing culture differences. I think the truth perhaps is a bit in the middle of the two, very many want 24/7 and that is great and many others only want occasional play and that is great to.

Ok now back on topic. Keeping the dynamic alive is the most challenging thing for me in a power exchange relationship. Right now I am free but I have been both sub and slave for my beloved one and what causes problems for us time and time again is keeping the dynamic alive. It is easy to get lazy in everyday lives. I have found two things rather effective, one is to talk, talk and talk about it. Setting aside perhaps some hours every week to talk. Like for example setting aside Friday afternoon, making some snacks and just discuss the relationship. Another thing I have found to work are ritual. Not huge things it is hard to fit into daily life but little things that enforce the dynamic throughout the day. Like for example kneeling at the Dom's feet when he comes home, or asking to be allowed to eat or giving a bow or a curtsy when entering or leaving a room where the Dom is located. This enforces the dynamic on the mind. It really do not have to be big things.

Here are some examples of what worked for us, I had to ask for permission to masturbate, I would kneel by the door to welcome my Dom home. Every night I would get five lashes of the whip to symbolize I was under discipline. Now the list could go on but really it all depends on what works for the pepole in question as not all things will work for all pepole.

I wish you well. [/quote

nephandi,

Your correct on the differences in many modes. One for instance is that you read my use of 24/7 as being actively in D/s mode when in fact over here we simply read that as living together be it thru marriage or convienence.

You appear to have a few knacks that keep it alive so good on you.
Thanks for your thoughts.

CP



LadyPact -> RE: Keeping the dynamic alive when your 24/7 (8/14/2010 8:24:41 AM)

CP, since this is a topic that you have brought up in the past, is it possible for you to link the old thread?  That way, folks could have the old answers as well as the new.



leadership527 -> RE: Keeping the dynamic alive when your 24/7 (8/14/2010 8:40:48 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: CelticPrince
So simply put, what has worked for you and perhaps equally important....what did not.
This might simply be an artifact of how sterile our dynamic is, but the truth is that we don't have a dynamic in this sense. We have a life. As that life happens, shit happens and someone's gotta decide what to do about it. When those decision points come up, carol looks at me and says, "So, what's it gonna be?" and I make a choice. We have no "D/s edge"? in the sense you seem to be implying.

Sometimes the decisions I make may look like some sort of "scene", but they are not in my head. For instance, if I feel like seeing Carol dressed in silks and belly dancing, I just tell her to do it. That is what one has a slave for, right? I don't think of it as a "scene" or some sort of interruption from our "normal life". It's no more a "scene" than cooking dinner is.

I'm not sure that our marriage can "erode into a vanilla relationship". It never stopped being whatever it was before the collar... we just got more savvy about us as people. I think there's a reasonable debate over whether we are vanilla or not... assuming one cares about such things. Generally I don't but for the purposes of questions like this it's relevant and I don't know the answer. What I do know is that leading is just generically "what I do". Following is "what she does". Nothing can really change that so as long as we are together, we will continue to do WIITWD. We may accentuate that and call it "M/s". We might downplay it and call it "vanilla". But the underlying truth is not something we choose.



nephandi -> RE: Keeping the dynamic alive when your 24/7 (8/14/2010 8:41:26 AM)

Greetings

[quoteIf the mundane and boring chores have been assigned as part of slave duties, they take on an erotic edge and can actually be a type of foreplay. ][/quote]

I agree washing the house for ones Master can be very erotic. But unless eroticism is ones main driving goal, what about the days where one do not really feel erotic no matter what, and do not want to feel erotic and it is just plain every day emptying the kitty litter and watching Heros on TV, what about those days, how do one keep the dynamic going then?

I wish you well



hejira92 -> RE: Keeping the dynamic alive when your 24/7 (8/14/2010 8:51:16 AM)

I have found in an almost 5 year relationship, that while what might be kink to an outside observer may wax and wane, the power dynamic (which is our foundation) is always present. For example, I may not be in a corset tied to a cross every night, but there is a strong power exchange in every single sexual encounter. (He jokes that the one time I asked to try "vanilla" sex- to make love- I lasted all of 3 minutes before becoming bored and begging Him to roughen it up).

Also, we talk about our dynamic, have small rituals that keep it in fresh and we like to go to fetish events several times a year to reinvigorate that kinky spark.

But what really works is that we fit- His natural Dominant leadership and wisdom mesh perfectly with my need to please Him, to make a strong, reality-based relationship that has weathered some nasty storms.

For those that remember this TV sitcom, He describes our lives as "Mad About You" with a dark side.

So, as to advice:
Communication, communication, communication. (And it's corollaries- honesty and transparency)

Not any different from any committed relationship.



texangael -> RE: Keeping the dynamic alive when your 24/7 (8/14/2010 9:46:07 AM)

quote:

While it is true that it is well nie impossible to keep the D/s edge going full time
I suspect this is both true and false.

It is true because outward displays--particularly the erotic ones--would be ill-advised it not outright illegal in many settings (WalMart just isn't going to let you walk a slave naked on a leash while shopping).  Those mundane aspects of daily life are always going to have a vanilla aspect.

However, the subtle habits of command and obedience are sustainable full time, and should be sustained full time for the good of the relationship.  A man does not stop being a man, nor does a woman stop being a woman.  Whether in the bedroom, the dungeon, or the shopping mall, the man should command and the woman should obey; they should do thus because to do otherwise is to disrespect who and what the other is--and no relationship will endure where there is not a 24/7 attention paid to respecting each other.

When you describe a relationship "eroding" and people looking elsewhere, to me that speaks of a failure to respect each other. 



Hardbutt -> RE: Keeping the dynamic alive when your 24/7 (8/14/2010 12:24:53 PM)

I second slavekal's opinion.



juliaoceania -> RE: Keeping the dynamic alive when your 24/7 (8/14/2010 12:27:25 PM)

fast reply

I find that I do not have much to learn from how others keep things alive... Most of the time it is specific to their relationship, or it is very generic sort of advice such as "good communication". Also, no matter how long i had been involved with someone I would hesitate to offer this sort of advice today, because I think it jinxes the person who gives it...



kiwisub12 -> RE: Keeping the dynamic alive when your 24/7 (8/14/2010 12:56:32 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: nephandi

. Like for example setting aside Friday afternoon, making some snacks and just discuss the relationship. Another thing I have found to work are ritual. Not huge things it is hard to fit into daily life but little things that enforce the dynamic throughout the day. Like for example kneeling at the Dom's feet when he comes home, or asking to be allowed to eat or giving a bow or a curtsy when entering or leaving a room where the Dom is located. This enforces the dynamic on the mind. It really do not have to be big things.

Here are some examples of what worked for us, I had to ask for permission to masturbate, I would kneel by the door to welcome my Dom home. Every night I would get five lashes of the whip to symbolize I was under discipline. Now the list could go on but really it all depends on what works for the pepole in question as not all things will work for all pepole.

I wish you well.





This.

every so often my sir would ask me directly, bluntly how things were going for me - and it was up to me to tell him honestly.
And as a direct reminder of my status in our relationship, i had to ask permission to go to the bathroom, and serve his coffee on a tray. Even at our most vanilla, we still knew our places in our relationship.  
We might not have played as often when he felt bad, but we both knew that the relationship was sound. :)



littlewonder -> RE: Keeping the dynamic alive when your 24/7 (8/14/2010 3:53:22 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: CelticPrince

quote:

We love and respect each other and we have realistic expectations of each other. [/quote

littlewonder,

I get that but could you present what some of those expectations might be and how do they get employed?

CP


The expectation is that I obey him. It's as simple as that. I agreed to submit to him. He agreed to be a dominant personality. Really..there is  nothing else to it to keep the dynamic alive. He is dominant. He takes the lead. I obey...always. We just live life with him being the lead between us.

I don't think we're all that different from any other relationship on the planet. We get up and go to work, we spend time with friends and family and we spend time with each other, we clean, we eat, we sleep, blah blah blah...but always with the dynamic running in the background that the decision is always his.

I don't need daily reminders or whatever that you hear about a lot of times. I  don't need long lists of chores or him telling me what to do 24/7. I know what needs done. I know what is needed for our lives to run smoothly. I don't need to be reminded that he is the one with the power. It is the way it is because he is who he is...and I am who I am.





texangael -> RE: Keeping the dynamic alive when your 24/7 (8/14/2010 4:45:26 PM)

quote:

I don't need daily reminders or whatever that you hear about a lot of times.
In the Art of War, Sun Tzu observed that "when the general is weak and the troops are strong, the troops are insubordinate."

The same can be said of power-exchange dynamics in a relationship. What matters is that perception of "strength", of "domliness" as it were. How that is achieved varies from man to man, but if it is not achieved the dynamic dies and the relationship ends.




CelticPrince -> RE: Keeping the dynamic alive when your 24/7 (8/14/2010 5:42:17 PM)

quote:

It is not as hard as some people make it out to be. Of course there can't be white hot intensity going on all day every day. But it is quite possible to have the program running in the background all the time. If the slave is required to wear a chastity device or a chain or some other reminder, he never completely forgets Mistress. If the mundane and boring chores have been assigned as part of slave duties, they take on an erotic edge and can actually be a type of foreplay.


slavekal, even a collar would work tho it is not seen as often on a male sub. I agree that the dynamic can run in the background within a relationship.

CP



Page: [1] 2   next >   >>

Valid CSS!




Collarchat.com © 2025
Terms of Service Privacy Policy Spam Policy
0.046875