RE: If you had a son...

RE: If you had a son... (Full Version)

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sublizzie -> RE: If you had a son... (8/16/2010 2:00:58 PM)
When asked, I introduced my youngest and her best friend (a male) to the younger people within the local community. It's amusing because her friend thought he was a submissive at the time which I was quite sure was completely wrong. I was right and he's now comfortable in a dominant role in his relationships. Did I teach any of the kids about this stuff? Not really. I gave them safe, sane, logical sources to use to learn on their own and made myself available if they wanted to talk. My kids are supplying a lock-able footlocker for my "toys" so their grandmother doesn't accidentally find them when I've moved into my parents' house to help care for my father. They understand protecting their elders from information they don't want to really know because I made it possible for them to ask if they really wanted to know. Boundaries are important to them, which, when you think about it, is one of the basic premises of good, healthy relationships whether kinky, D/s-M/s, or "vanilla".

dreamerdreaming -> RE: If you had a son... (8/17/2010 12:54:59 AM)
Fast reply: NO. I would not initiate. If asked, I would keep it short and circumspect, with general information. Nothing about my own orientation. Just a very few sentences and then change the subject. Edit to add: My answer is the same regardless of the kid's gender or D/s, etc. orientation. Those have no bearing on my stance.

crazyml -> RE: If you had a son... (8/17/2010 1:47:23 AM)
Really interesting question. If either of my sons asked me a question I'd answer it truthfully, if they wanted to know more I'd point them to the U35 munches etc. I wouldn't dream of introducing them to kink though. I feel my job as a parent isn't to direct my boys on their journey, that's for them to decide, my job as a parent is to give them the skills and tools that will help them on that journey - I'm filling the backpack, not paddling the canoe.

PrincessofSadden -> RE: If you had a son... (8/17/2010 7:00:20 PM)
Im 18. Ive been interested in BDSM for awhile. I did lots of reading. Had a gf. Tried it out. Didnt work. A few months later i got a different girlfriend. My picture is the result. I turn 19 in december. I think if they asked you could tell them more about it. It really does depend on your relationship with your children. I can talk to my dad about just about anything. But NOT this. -Sadden

PrincessofSadden -> RE: If you had a son... (8/17/2010 7:05:40 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: PrincessofSadden Im 18. Ive been interested in BDSM for awhile. I did lots of reading. Had a gf. Tried it out. Didnt work. A few months later i got a different girlfriend. My picture is the result. I turn 19 in december. I think if they asked you could tell them more about it. It really does depend on your relationship with your children. I can talk to my dad about just about anything. But NOT this. -Sadden Well Sadden your also alot more mature than most 18 year olds. I think it depends on the child. If they wanted to know more, I'd tell them to go buy some books on the subject and explore it by reading about it first. If then they were still interested and wanted to talk to me about it, I'd talk to them about it. Then if they decided that's what they wanted to do, I'd give them the greenlight to explore as long as they did it in a safe manner with a sane person. I mean if they're old enough to go and join the military and get married legally, then I think they're old enough to decide if they want to seriously delve into the world of dominance and submission. - Princess

Jileyson -> RE: If you had a son... (8/17/2010 11:07:48 PM)
I think could to talk about differences between D-S-Etc presenting the lifestyle options, but never should introduce my son in that. He must find their own way without my influence, specially in that issue.

phoenixmoonn13 -> RE: If you had a son... (8/19/2010 3:46:25 AM)
masters son is 19 if he asked outright then we would talk to him no way would we introdue the subject. same for my duaghter but she is a lot younger

SorceressJ -> RE: If you had a son... (8/19/2010 4:12:25 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: sexyred1 If someone is going to introduce something to 18 year olds, I think it should be the right way to treat others. THAT is what is lacking today, not interest in BDSM. [&o] I have not one but three adult sons, two of whom did not turn out well despite all best attentive efforts and love on my part. My answer to the main question is No; their life paths are their own and not for Mama to meddle in, especially not anymore. This answer is in no way intended to reflect on anyone else's choices or parenting styles, nor theirs on mine. AMEN to this post. [image]local://upfiles/1044097/D645C9CEA2D44A17A08A941E82363349.jpg[/image]

Evilcaduceus -> RE: If you had a son... (8/20/2010 9:57:56 AM)
No way! If my kid was interested, they can find out the information on their own. I wouldn't want to know their sex life as they wouldn't want to know mine. Besides, personality traits have nothing to do with being a dom/sub.

CallaFirestormBW -> RE: If you had a son... (8/20/2010 11:03:15 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Evilcaduceus No way! If my kid was interested, they can find out the information on their own. I wouldn't want to know their sex life as they wouldn't want to know mine. Besides, personality traits have nothing to do with being a dom/sub. See, this is where I cross swords with many of the people that I've met who are involved in this way of life. For me and mine, this isn't a 'sexual style' -- it is a way of living, more akin to living in an upper-middle-class Victorian household than a bordello. For me, the process of authority dynamics, managing of servants, etc, is above and beyond anything having to do with sex. Perhaps it would be different if I considered this an aspect of my -sex- life, and not an aspect of my -whole- life. Calla

texangael -> RE: If you had a son... (8/20/2010 1:25:26 PM)
quote: Perhaps it would be different if I considered this an aspect of my -sex- life, and not an aspect of my -whole- life. I agree. There is more to D/s than kinky and exotic ways to put dick in pussy.

ResidentSadist -> RE: If you had a son... (8/20/2010 8:54:12 PM)
If they genuinely developed an interest on their own, I would answer their questions in an unbiased manner. However, I would not want to coach them on my style or preferences because it would bias them. Most everything in BDSM is thrilling in way or another. If you show someone your perspectives and style, it will no doubt impact them in a positive way and create bias. The BDSM lifestyle has many facets. I would want my children to develop their own perspectives and explore that which fuels their passions, not mine.

sunshinemiss -> RE: If you had a son... (8/21/2010 12:29:52 AM)
To RS - Spot on. sunshine

CallaFirestormBW -> RE: If you had a son... (8/21/2010 6:29:08 AM)
RS, I agree, with a couple of divergences. With mine, it was a simple matter of helping them to find the information for themselves, and while all of our children are part of House Bladewing by virtue of decendency (as we are a Victorian-recreation/Steampunk household with -members- who participate in BDSM, rather than a "BDSM household"), none of our grown children have shown any interest in actually being active members of the BDSM aspects of the household beyond knowing how to care for our servants when they're visiting -- they've all discovered their own ways, and their own interests (only one of which has ventured into the fetish/BDSM realms). This being said, I really think that, though there -is- the opportunity for bias, in order for that bias to take hold, the receiver must also have an -affinity- for the same thing, done in the same way. If that is the case, then the simple stylistic emphasis presented by an afficionado will enhance the individual's affinity and -may- increase their attention and interest in that area... however, it's been my experience with all of ours that, in general, even if I am dedicated in my practice, my offspring who do not share that affinity could not (and would not) be swayed by my perceptions. We, as adults, have done everything in our power to encourage our saplings to ask "too many" questions and think freely (while speaking of such things with courtesy for others choices and investment wink). So far, it hasn't been my experience that exposure and discussion alone is sufficient to change an offspring's direction, even when xhe's inclined in a similar general direction. Calla

DomImus -> RE: If you had a son... (8/21/2010 7:50:26 AM)
I have an eighteen year old daughter. My toys are hidden from casual view but not secured against all probing eyes. Open my bedroom closet door searching for a coat hanger and you will see a little of it sitting out at any given time. She does not live here but stays here from time to time and is/was sometime here while I am away at work. It's within the realm of possibility that at some time she has come into my room looking for some benign object and has spied something. If that has ever happened there has never been a single indication of it not that I would expect one. Whether or not she is ultimately interested in WIITWD I suspect that she isn't any more interested in sharing that side of herself with her father than I am sharing that side of myself with her. The only way I could see her asking me about it is if she already somehow knew something about that aspect of my life. If she asked me about I'd talk to her honestly and directly about it regardless of her personal interest in it or her motivation for asking me. This is similar to talking to your kids about sex or smoking or drugs. You would talk to them about those issues at a younger age, certainly. Not the same but there are parallels. If she had a pronounced and active interest in all of this I would guide her if she asked. I'd much rather she learn about this from me or at least have the benefit of my input. I never really gave much thought to the possibility of her being interested in all of this until I responded to this thread. Now the thought of her coming to some online site such as this to gain knowledge.... let's just say that it is a rather unsettling image.

DomImus -> RE: If you had a son... (8/21/2010 8:04:51 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: DarlingSavage I agree with Holly, MM, and juliaoceania. They say it best! Only because they speak in broad generalities. I know many of my daughter's friends. Some of them are remarkably bright young people who are mature and developed in advance of their years. With some of the others I have concerns about them finding their way home alone. Come to think of it the same can be said for some of my fifty something friends and might even apply to a fair portion of the folks responding to this thread. Writing off an entire demographic (any demographic) simply based on chronology is insulting bordering on condescending. Much better to ignore the instincts now and let them learn about it on Castle Realm so that they can become forum fodder here.

kiwisub12 -> RE: If you had a son... (8/21/2010 8:07:03 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: juliaoceania quote: He does " try " to dominant me around.( telling me what to do, say, wear, etc). I think this is a "boy" thing, especially if you are a single mom... my son used to try to boss me around too, not about what I wear, but he hated it when I cursed. Imagine my kid lecturing me about how I should talk....lol. He also did not like my choices in men because they were too "controlling" ... I guess he did not want the competition[:D] He outgrew it though For me, this was an oldest daughter thing - the bossiness attitude, and as a submissive woman with (then) co-dependent issues, i tolerated it. Since then, i have grown out of the co-dependency, and she doesn't particularly approve of that either. [:D]. And she too doesn't particularly like me dating.

leadership527 -> RE: If you had a son... (8/21/2010 9:27:29 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: sexyred1 If someone is going to introduce something to 18 year olds, I think it should be the right way to treat others. THAT is what is lacking today, not interest in BDSM. You know, I found this statement fascinating. Because honestly, when I think of "introducing" someone to what I do, that's exactly how I think of it. To expand the thought out and show my work.. Society tells us that there is only one right way to organize a marriage and that way is almost abusive to someone like Carol. I introduced my sons to the fact that there were more ways under the sun and some of them were the "right way" to treat people like Carol. In other words, we had a discussion about the organization of marriages. We did not discuss sexuality except in broad brush-strokes. It's obvioius that a lot of people see a discussion about D/s to be very similar to a discussion on deep throat technique. I do not.

AquaticSub -> RE: If you had a son... (8/21/2010 10:59:25 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Toppingfrmbottom I would want to teach them about not falling for the ploys out there many doms use about if you were a real sub you'd............ or real subs don't............. Or that if you express needs and are polite but stand up for yourself that you're topping from the bottom. There's a lot of pitfalls and it just being part of your personality, doesn't mean you are already aware of the predators out there, and the tricks they may play. If I can save someone from falling prey to something they could of avoided with a word from mom to be wary, then I want that for them. quote: ORIGINAL: littlewonder If it's just their personality traits then what would there be to explain or teach???? You let them live their lives like every other human being on the planet. My humble opinion... You don't need to teach any of that in a BDSM context. You teach them to be true to themselves, to do what makes them happy and to ignore the nay-sayers of the world. Boost their confidence so that they have the strength, in all of life's arenas, to go "No, fuck you. I'm going to do it this way and I don't care if you don't like how I swing a flogger/build a fence/wear my clothes/etc." If our children come to us with questions, we'll answer them. Their basic sex ed will include the concept of "there are lots of different ways that people do things to express their sexuality and love for each other". If they want more info about something specific and they come to us, we'll be there. Contrary to your opinion, I think encouraging people to "coach" kids on their submission/dominance is a terrible idea. That is exactly the sort of thing that opens the door for "This is what you are, this is how you do things" way of thinking. It's a great role for a predator to step into a "mentor". It lets someone else define them instead of them defining themselves. The idea that you wouldn't have been taken advantage if someone had told you that you were submissive is quite ludricious to me. People, subs AND doms and otherwise, get taken advantage of when they don't have the willpower or self-awareness to stand up for themselves. It's not an orientation problem, it's a matter of personal strength. Which you can teach them without ever talking about BDSM.

CallaFirestormBW -> RE: If you had a son... (8/21/2010 11:10:14 AM)
quote: The idea that you wouldn't have been taken advantage if someone had told you that you were submissive is quite ludricious to me. People, subs AND doms and otherwise, get taken advantage of when they don't have the willpower or self-awareness to stand up for themselves. It's not an orientation problem, it's a matter of personal strength. Which you can teach them without ever talking about BDSM. I have to say that I disagree with this part, in particular the bolded section. You see, over the years, I've met quite a few individuals who are inherently submissive individuals, and who, by nature, will submit to anyone who exhibits a greater measure of 'command' than they do. It isn't a matter of self-esteem... it is an inherent part of their nature. The fact is, though, that these individuals are prey... and those of us who are more dominant (read: predator) in nature tend to be able to pick these folks out in a crowd. My ex-husband, though not having ANYTHING to do with BDSM, was one of these type of people. He is a through-and-through submissive. When I left (we might have worked out if he could have stopped listening to his brothers and military compatriots telling him he should resent having a -woman- lead the household), even though I really wanted to help him stand on his own two feet and lead his own life, the VERY FIRST thing he did was hunt up someone else who would control his life... and unfortunately, she turned out to be a VERY abusive so-and-so... I think that it is important to recognize these tendencies in our saplings, if we're able to, and to let them know that we've seen things they need to be both aware of, and, perhaps even seek out assistance in decision-making with. As saplings, sometimes they won't want to 'blend roots' --- they'll want their own piece of ground and their own bit of sun-- but at some point, as the gardener who raises these saplings and assures their well-being, it -is-, IMO, our job to make sure that, especially for our vulnerable saplings, proper instruction and protection are in place so that they are not destroyed as they mature. JMTC, Calla

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