what do you expect when chatting with a potential sub? (Full Version)

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smartsub10 -> what do you expect when chatting with a potential sub? (8/18/2010 1:25:22 AM)

I haven't been in the lifestyle long and am still learning.  Unfortunately, some of that learning has been unpleasant but I take what I can from the experiences to grow.
Just now I was chatting online (yahoo) with a Dom.  It was our second chat online.  He begins to ask some sexually explicit questions among other things.  I understand talking in generalities about kinks to determine compatibility but I would think that the more explicit subjects or making demands to do sexual things while chatting would come up later after a meeting and an agreement to be together.  I don't want a cyber or online relationship.
So, when I said I was uncomfortable, he disappeared.  I trust my gut so while it's disappointing, I say "good riddance".
What do Doms expect when chatting?  How do you determine, while chatting online or on the phone before meeting, if a sub is sincere in her desire to submit without getting heavily into sexual discussion?   This has happened to me...a lot.  I'd love to hear any thoughts from the Doms here.

Thanks.




Focus50 -> RE: what do you expect when chatting with a potential sub? (8/18/2010 4:17:01 AM)

I avoid chat rooms with a passion so the liasons I've had from finding someone online have been via email....

As to what I expect from those exchanges is fairly simple. I'm looking for compatability and a dose of chemistry etc to help me decide if this is someone I'd like to eventually meet. That means I tend to stay away from the sexually explicit and concentrate more on the "little" things - that spending time with the right person/partner is more about intimacy than sex.

If they're more atuned to D/s play and sex etc, it tells me they're seeing me more as a means to an end rather than as an actual person and partner - BIG deal breaker.

Focus.



wandersalone -> RE: what do you expect when chatting with a potential sub? (8/18/2010 4:31:24 AM)

If I can give you my thoughts from a submissive's perspective... similar to Focus I rarely do the chat room or messenger thing so I will share a few emails with someone.  I am looking for people to meet in real life so I talk with people who are close by.  If they are not arranging to meet me within two weeks I move on.

I use this initial email stage to find out what we have in common, the big picture stuff.  I don't discuss anything sexual or even too much bdsm related until we meet apart from saying that I am a submissive, I am not a masochist and what my hard limits are.

When we meet if we are compatible then I will start talking about bdsm interests and so on.  There is no right or wrong in regards to time frames and what to share and when.  Only share what you feel comfortable sharing and if someone is wanting sexual information before you feel comfortable to provide it maybe you both aren't a match.

I hope all goes well for you :)



DarkSteven -> RE: what do you expect when chatting with a potential sub? (8/18/2010 4:58:15 AM)

I'm going to disagree with the others.  I first look for compatibility - I see if she and I actually like each other.  Could I imagine this person being with me?  If and only if we get past that, then I bring up sex.  I let her know what activities I like and which I need.  If any are on her hard limits list, I probe (I once talked with a woman who had Dancing on her hard limits list.  We discussed that until I found out that she would be okay with dancing with me in private).

If I think that we're compatible both in and out of the bedroom, then I'll suggest meeting.  It IS kind of odd to have the first-time meet butterflies with someone whose sexual profile is known to me completely, but that's the only hitch.

OP, I reread your post. Let me clarify.  When I ask about kink, it's for the purposes of determining compatibility and I do not get explicit.  It sounds like you were talking to someone who was getting off on talking about it, and likely from your uncomfortableness as well.



Focus50 -> RE: what do you expect when chatting with a potential sub? (8/18/2010 5:54:17 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: DarkSteven

I'm going to disagree with the others.  I first look for compatibility - I see if she and I actually like each other.  Could I imagine this person being with me?  If and only if we get past that, then I bring up sex.  I let her know what activities I like and which I need.  If any are on her hard limits list, I probe (I once talked with a woman who had Dancing on her hard limits list.  We discussed that until I found out that she would be okay with dancing with me in private).

If I think that we're compatible both in and out of the bedroom, then I'll suggest meeting.  It IS kind of odd to have the first-time meet butterflies with someone whose sexual profile is known to me completely, but that's the only hitch.

OP, I reread your post. Let me clarify.  When I ask about kink, it's for the purposes of determining compatibility and I do not get explicit.  It sounds like you were talking to someone who was getting off on talking about it, and likely from your uncomfortableness as well.


I guess I'm missing what you're generally disagreeing with me about...? *shrugs*

Focus.



smartsub10 -> RE: what do you expect when chatting with a potential sub? (8/18/2010 5:59:25 AM)

No, Steven, he did not ask questions to clarify kink compatibility. He was asking me what I'm wearing, take your top off....you get the idea.

This is what I was uncomfortable with. 

I like to chat briefly for a day or two and if there seems to be compatibility to meet soon.  If that goes well kink will be happening shortly thereafter, no? 



VaguelyCurious -> RE: what do you expect when chatting with a potential sub? (8/18/2010 6:12:28 AM)

Think of it as a spectrum-some people want to exchange reams and reams of memos about the weather before they feel comfortable enough to even think about getting personal. Some people like to go straight from 'hello, my name is Master Bob' to 'how would you react if I shoved a cucumber up your arse?'.

Most people are somewhere in the middle-you *will* find people who are close enough to you on the spectrum that you don't feel uncomfortable. They are probably your best bet.



poise -> RE: what do you expect when chatting with a potential sub? (8/18/2010 6:22:20 AM)

Hello smartsub, and welcome to the lifestyle![:D]
Its unfortunate that you have come across someone who seems to only be interested in what you can offer him physically, and online at that. Ugh!
Im glad you trusted your "gut" and realized he didnt have serious intent on building a relationship, at least not in the manner you prefer.

If I may make a suggestion without offense, is there a different non-sexual avatar you could choose to use besides the one of your voluptiousness? Most men are visual creatures, and by you exposing yourself in this manner, you will in turn attract those that may have a difficult time seeing you for the intelligent woman you are.
Best of luck to you in your search!



wandersalone -> RE: what do you expect when chatting with a potential sub? (8/18/2010 6:29:15 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: VaguelyCurious

Some people like to go straight from 'hello, my name is Master Bob' to 'how would you react if I shoved a cucumber up your arse?'.


and here was me thinking I was the only one that received messages like that

Just to elaborate a little on what I said earlier... because I am only looking at people local to me (ie. same city) I have no problems in meeting a stranger for a coffee within a day or two of first making contact. 

I take what I see are calculated risks in meeting people whom I feel I have a basic compatibility with and possible attraction  and I do this sooner rather than later.  This way neither of us has shared reams of information and possibly already started to build up too rigid a picture of the other person and our "connection" which we may find to be non-existent when we meet even if on paper we are so compatible.

I am totally not into the whole online domination stuff....if someone starts trying to do that I politely tell them goodbye.



VaguelyCurious -> RE: what do you expect when chatting with a potential sub? (8/18/2010 6:31:16 AM)

I thought I was exaggerating about the cucumber! Clearly not...



RealSub58 -> RE: what do you expect when chatting with a potential sub? (8/18/2010 6:39:57 AM)

quote:

What do Doms expect when chatting? How do you determine, while chatting online or on the phone before meeting, if a sub is sincere in her desire to submit without getting heavily into sexual discussion? This has happened to me...a lot. I'd love to hear any thoughts from the Doms here.
quote:

ORIGINAL: smartsub10

greetings OP, 
While I understand why you are asking your questions specifically of dominant men, answers from female subs would also give you a clue of what we expect from the D side.

I want to know that I am not just a sex object, a piece of flesh to be used and set a side for someone else more beautiful, more sexy, younger, better boobs, tighter ass or pussy.  Which brings me to your picture/avatar . . . . your brain is more attractive than your boobs or a set of boobs.

If you are looking for a fast scene with something specific, then go ahead and speak of sexually explicit things and send pics of your "parts."  This man is looking to get off, not necessarily help you grow.

If looking for a ltr, then take your time, gather a friendship under your belt and then meet. 

I refuse to instant message.  Why?  Because you can get lost in the moment.  I email with men and this tends to take as much time as you want to answer and make it an honest, sincere response without answering sexually.

Sincerely submitting comes in time, not when caught up in the moment.  Sincere submitting comes with trust, a lot of respect, intelligence, the right type of dominant, honesty and a whole lot of factors important to you.

If your building blocks are sexual, then that is what you will get.

Have a great day.



sexyred1 -> RE: what do you expect when chatting with a potential sub? (8/18/2010 7:25:32 AM)

Sorry people. Don't the blame the OP. You could be wearing a nun's habit and still get the same sexually explicit questions in an initial conversation.

Nope, it has to do with men who have no clue about getting to know someone. Most of us have our interests on our profiles. Therefore there is enough to go on without asking, do you like having cucumbers shoved up your ass, in addition to what they already have seen on the profile. As DS said, you need a bit more than shared interests to determine overall compatibility.

OP, we all get the guys who private message or ask to go to Yahoo (one of the reasons I do NOT do Yahoo) and invariably, after saying hi, liked your profile, what are you into, they launch into the sex talk.

If I had a dollar for every guy who lacked the finesse to wait until we met to find out just how much I like cucumbers then I would indeed be rich.




leadership527 -> RE: what do you expect when chatting with a potential sub? (8/18/2010 7:49:32 AM)

"Doms" expect all sort of things. You're not alone in thinking that detailed sexuality is a topic best left till after a relationship exists.



texangael -> RE: what do you expect when chatting with a potential sub? (8/18/2010 8:02:29 AM)

quote:

How do you determine, while chatting online or on the phone before meeting, if a sub is sincere in her desire to submit without getting heavily into sexual discussion
I find it's quite easy.

If a submissive is sincere in wanting to submit, heavy sex talk isn't necessary.  Submission is not a strictly sexual motif.

And if they are extremely sincere, they will be constantly gushing over how hot I am and how domly my voice is. [:D]



poise -> RE: what do you expect when chatting with a potential sub? (8/18/2010 8:10:03 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: texangael
And if they are extremely sincere, they will be constantly gushing over how hot I am and how domly my voice is. [:D]

gushgushgush
 
Pardon....just affirming my sincerity[:)]



Musicmystery -> RE: what do you expect when chatting with a potential sub? (8/18/2010 11:38:55 AM)

quote:


what do you expect when chatting with a potential sub?


I expect her to be respectful (and can expect same) and to begin to open up and talk about herself.

I like getting to know people, whatever does or doesn't happen next.

And I don't think there's any other way than getting to know each other.



juliaoceania -> RE: what do you expect when chatting with a potential sub? (8/18/2010 11:55:50 AM)

Another sub perspective....

Does it matter what a "dom" wants or expects before he is YOUR dom?... I assure you, they are all different and have different expectations.

Here is my rule of thumb when I talk to someone I am interested in, does it feel organic and natural? Is the person asking me to do things past my comfort zone? It sounds like you do that, too.






LordShadow -> RE: what do you expect when chatting with a potential sub? (8/18/2010 12:11:30 PM)

I look for compatibility beyond the me Man she woman category...my knuckles drag the ground but I am upright...lol

I look for intelligence, focus, sincerity, HONESTY...I ask the same questions a couple different ways...gimme two different answers and you'll be talking to yourself pretty quickly...lol







Bobbie9395 -> RE: what do you expect when chatting with a potential sub? (8/18/2010 3:40:38 PM)

If you'd care for one more perspective coming from a sub, I tend to agree with most of what DarkSteven said.  I INSIST (respectfully, of course) on chatting online several times before meeting.  And, for me it's paid off.  I don't want to waste my time meeting someone with whom I have very little in common.  And, for me anyway, emails take too much time.  I had a meet with a wonderful possible Dom just yesterday.  We had chatted on line several times.  During one of those chats he asked me many, many specific questions regarding my experience, my expectations, my hard limits, my vanilla interests outside of the bedroom, and he shared with me his expectations and vanilla interests.  This was all done in what I would describe as a clinical manner.  He never asked me to do anything out of line.  He was trying to get to know things about me.  As a result, I learned things about him, too.  Most importantly, I learned he is not just a Dom wannabe; he's the real deal.  Our meet yesterday was extremely successful.  We had so much to talk about.  And, he did not ASSUME that he was automatically my Dom or me his sub.  He insists on more meetings, during which my limits will be tested and we will continue to learn more about each other.  He also said, he would not become my Dom until I actually asked him.  This has been the very best encounter with a new Dom I've ever had.  He was as respectful of me, as I was of him.  I know there are no guarantees, but, if yesterday was any indication, it's a strong possibility.  And, it would NOT have happened without those insightful chats.



wandersalone -> RE: what do you expect when chatting with a potential sub? (8/19/2010 3:45:59 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: texangael

quote:

How do you determine, while chatting online or on the phone before meeting, if a sub is sincere in her desire to submit without getting heavily into sexual discussion
I find it's quite easy.

If a submissive is sincere in wanting to submit, heavy sex talk isn't necessary.  Submission is not a strictly sexual motif.

And if they are extremely sincere, they will be constantly gushing over how hot I am and how domly my voice is. [:D]



I so need to pay attention.... I always thought you were a woman as I read your id as Texangal ...oops



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