RE: Hubby is vanilla so i went outside my marriage (Full Version)

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enthralled -> RE: Hubby is vanilla so i went outside my marriage (4/20/2006 8:56:51 PM)

I echo the statement that if you've know this about yourself for years, you should have sought out someone with the same interests or at least have had the foresight to discuss this with your spouse.
In my opinion, you've dragged him into this unconsentually, even if he is oblivious to your extracurricular activities.
 
Best of luck,
enthralled



cloudboy -> RE: Hubby is vanilla so i went outside my marriage (4/20/2006 9:05:50 PM)


You're not the only one:

http://www.collarchat.com/m_264916/mpage_1/key_married/tm.htm

http://www.collarchat.com/m_196283/mpage_1/key_married/tm.htm

http://www.collarchat.com/m_178477/mpage_1/key_married/tm.htm

http://www.collarchat.com/m_310745/mpage_1/key_married/tm.htm

http://www.collarchat.com/m_305897/mpage_1/key_married/tm.htm





CAROLF -> RE: Hubby is vanilla so i went outside my marriage (4/20/2006 9:08:29 PM)

jeesh, leave the poor girl alone.  I, for one, applaud her reaching out.  How many men do you see on here say "omg, i am cheating on my wife, cause i want a sub/slave to service me", how many men are on here saying, "i've been married over 40 years and have been a dom on the side and i've never gotten caught" as they lean back, and try to reach for someones, tit.  That is wrong, reaching out for help is good. 

Jewel, i've not been in your exact situation, but i have been in umm, situations, before, and trust me, time heals all.  One thing i know for sure, nothing has to be done "right now"  Relax, think it through, then do what you know is right.  if it sucks to post, just pick one or two people to send private messages to, i've done that and have gotten great feedback. 

hang in. carol




cloudboy -> RE: Hubby is vanilla so i went outside my marriage (4/20/2006 9:11:21 PM)


The pattern is so predictable on this MB its almost funny.



valeca -> RE: Hubby is vanilla so i went outside my marriage (4/20/2006 9:33:07 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: jewelofthenight

i   I thought there would be some compassion here


I dunno, this left a bad taste in my mouth.  It implies that because we're kinky people we're more likely to condone infidelity...

We're just like any other group of people.  Some will not see the big deal and tell you to fill you boots, some will disagree with the cheating and suggest you address the issue directly and/or deal with the commitments you're already in--one way or another--before seeking your own satisfaction elsewhere. Some will flat out call you a cheat.

For the record, I don't believe you're hiding things to 'protect' your husband.  You're hiding it to protect your own interests.


And, as far as I know, even in poly relationships, fidelity exists between the parties... if not in the traditional way.

Here's a little test to see if you can live with what you're doing:

Look at yourself in the mirror.  Feeling ok? 

Now go look in your husband's eyes. 

How're you doing now?







sskitten -> RE: Hubby is vanilla so i went outside my marriage (4/20/2006 10:43:13 PM)

I am in your situation and I have tried discussing it on the message boards here before on other "married to vanilla" threads. 
 
There was a recent 11-page thread (concluding two weeks ago) called "Forgot you have a wife??"  I made three posts somewhere in the middle of those pages, beginning with a post on page 4:
 
http://www.collarchat.com/m_310745/mpage_4/key_/tm.htm#313167
 
In that post, I tried to share some of the inner conflicts I feel as a married cheater, along with my frustration that there is no opportunity for those in our situation to have a thoughtful discussion of this issue on the message boards because the discussion gets drowned out by the moralizing.  (I posted two follow-ups on pages 6 and 7 of that thread.)
 
There were several thoughtful voices on that thread from the perspective of those who've been in our situation in the past.  I very much appreciated the posts of ownedgirlie and SubmissiveEntity, who shared their own tales of the conflicts they faced in the past when they made the difficult decision to cheat.  In their posts, they expressed willingness to discuss the issues privately.
 
I also appreciated cloudboy's comments on the 11th (final) page of that thread:
 
quote:

 
When there is trouble in my marriage or something I don't like about it, I pipe up and angle to improve the situation. I do not take my wife's consideration of me for granted either, and I do not see it as my role to suppress her. Whatever she does, I know she does it with a reason in mind --- and that she would never have an affair to hurt me or our marriage. Frankly, I see having an affair as a healthy sign of problem solving and taking care of oneself, which is what I want my wife to do. I do not expect to meet all her needs or for her to find "everything" in me and only me for a lifetime.

So, this whole construct of "cheating" and "betrayal" really does not apply to me in the sense many idiots here construe it. Also, I think that my attitude towards my wife helps her feel more supported and open about what she does. So, it is my belief that if she is being secretive and not telling me everything, much of that has to do with me and not her. To continue this, I just don't readily conclude that marital partners are "victims." No, marital partners are actually part of the equation of everything that happens. So, if a married person is a "victim," the root cause of that victimhood might actually be oneself instead of the other.


Tonight after reading this thread I decided to start a new Yahoo group where those of us whose needs are not being fully met in our vanilla relationships can discuss our issues without condemnation.  The group is called "Two Flavors"  (one of them is vanilla and the other is whatever you wish it to be):
 
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/two_flavors
 
Kitten



babysburnin -> RE: Hubby is vanilla so i went outside my marriage (4/20/2006 11:17:53 PM)

Yikes!  You are getting a very hard time here.  Don't get me wrong, I hate lies - they are counter-productive and hurtful, and in a perfect world "lies" would not exist. 

Opposed to those who say, "Get an attorney", I say "Get Real".  Is the relationship with your husband important versus disposable?  

He doesn't want BDSM, you do. 

Are you sure it would devastate him (an open marriage)?  It may take time, lots of communication, but... both you and he need to be okay (and even happy).

Lies never lead to any good.  Try harder, search smarter, feel better. 



proudsub -> RE: Hubby is vanilla so i went outside my marriage (4/20/2006 11:19:49 PM)

quote:

i was wondering if any other subs have been through this.


Been there done that. When Hubby found out we had a long discussion about why i did it and about bdsm in general. He said he understood, forgave me and he learned to be my Dom. Things are going well now but He will never fully trust me again. My suggestion would be to talk to your husband before he finds out, and they always do, it only takes one mistake.  Like someone else here, i also had a problem with stalking when i had to break off the afair, it wasn't fun. Please take the time to read the other threads that were posted, there is some excellent advice in them. Good luck with it jewel.



slaveladyj -> RE: Hubby is vanilla so i went outside my marriage (4/21/2006 4:34:41 AM)

When I met my current spouse, I told him about my likes, he just nodded, not really interested. With family to raise and life to live, I rather buried my desires, letting my darker fantasies come out in my writing. Twelve years later, we are still together, but I got a bit tired of hiding who I was, thus I started playing on the internet. Found a dom to direct me online only. I'm not the type that could fool around with someone else in person and live with myself. Told my partner about it though. At first, it was like, do whatever, he didn't seem to care. I still felt guilty. We talked and talked, and finally, he claim clean in what he wants, what he desires. We have been able to mesh the two. He's still not as dominate as I need, it's something we're working on, and I'm not completely able to give him what he needs. Again something we are working on. But our life has improved to unbeliveable degrees, just being completely opened and not hiding anything from each other. He now insists I follow all orders given to me online, and has even participated in my doing so.
And early this week, I bought a crop. He likes that so much more than my flogger. threatens to get it everytime I don't do something immediately. For us, this works, I'm not saying it is for everyone.
The important thing, is while I was opened about what I desired, he had close to  50 years of being told what he liked was wrong and not acceptable. Having a woman that loves him and accepts it because she accepts him, has enchance both our lives.



Areflectionofyou -> RE: Hubby is vanilla so i went outside my marriage (4/21/2006 5:32:26 AM)

Being the "one" who was cheated on in a D/s marriage, i am never going to condone cheating . D/s relationships that the spouse is fully aware , is a completely different circumstance. I personally was so hurt, i could never be in a poly or sharing type of relationship ever. Be honest with him, come clean, face the music.



SirCumsSlut -> RE: Hubby is vanilla so i went outside my marriage (4/21/2006 5:41:50 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: jewelofthenight

i was wondering if any other subs have been through this.  i have been submissive all my life it seems, and a couple of years ago i met a man I love dearly.  Not really a problem but our sex life is purely vanilla.  I tried to introduce him to what I like and he was mildly discusted.  It is just not his thing.  So any way, i have lived out of the lifestyle basically pushing back the urges and feelings that fufill me.  So after lots of anguish I started to look for a partner that could help me with that.  I did not want to leave my husband.  Subsequently I found a wonderful Dom who understands.  I could never tell my husband, it would devastate him, so the poly lifestyle is out of the question.  So I wonder if anyone could give me insight if they have had a similar situation.  I would appreciate it.

Thanks,
jewel


I do not condone what you are doing to your husband and yourself.......as some have said, you need to sit down and think about which is more important to you.............your marriage or BDSM.........
 

Try looking at it this way.........reverse rolls....What if it were your husband that needed to serve a Domme and he went behind your back????  Food for thought



jewelofthenight -> RE: Hubby is vanilla so i went outside my marriage (4/21/2006 6:20:54 AM)

thank you

to everyone else please nevermind...

julie



jewelofthenight -> RE: Hubby is vanilla so i went outside my marriage (4/21/2006 6:26:18 AM)

NEVERMIND NEVERMIND NEVERMIND
 
PLEASE FORGET I WAS EVER HERE.



MasterRobert1 -> RE: Hubby is vanilla so i went outside my marriage (4/21/2006 6:36:07 AM)

If you need a Dom, find a Dom. Trying to "roll-your-own" Dom from a vanilla husband does NOT work. Be open and honest with your husband and basically tell him, "Opps, I made a mistake."



tangldupinblue -> RE: Hubby is vanilla so i went outside my marriage (4/21/2006 7:35:11 AM)

dont let all these responces bring you down they are the opinions of alot of different people, just know that there are others in the same boat with you and we understand, me included. just hold your head up high no matter what and think long and hard about what you want and need, and need is much more important.



littleone35 -> RE: Hubby is vanilla so i went outside my marriage (4/21/2006 7:47:37 AM)

I know just what you are going through.  I also love my husband but i needed thing he just was not into.  I have a wonderful master now and happier tehn i have ever been.  As for an open marrige that would never work for me as long as i am careful and discreet it wotks.  Not saying it it is right or wrong but for mr it feels right.

Matt's littleone



sskitten -> RE: Hubby is vanilla so i went outside my marriage (4/21/2006 7:53:02 AM)

To everyone who dumped on jewelofthenight:
 
She joined collarme yesterday.  She posted her question.  She got bombarded.  As she wrote to us here, she is devastated.  She has now left collarme.  Congratulations.  Collectively the voices on her thread scared her off in one day's time.
 
She was writing to find other subs in her situation.  She was looking for support, not lectures.
 
I think that in the midst of the dumping-on she got, some of the voices trying to be supportive became part of the cacaphony and she could not hear them as support.  I tried to say to her both publicly and privately that I was in her situation and was offering my support.  But she fled without replying.
 
If you cannot be supportive of someone who has asked for support........  (well, I cannot finish the sentence.)
 
To those of you offering your support to her this morning... it's too late.  She's gone. 
 
Kitten
 



emanuelletv -> RE: Hubby is vanilla so i went outside my marriage (4/21/2006 7:56:11 AM)

I am in the reverse situation as my wife is the vanilla one so I have decided to seek a Mistress outside my marriage. I have very little experience and need to find out if this lifestyle is really for me before deciding upon any action.



LadyMorgynn -> RE: Hubby is vanilla so i went outside my marriage (4/21/2006 8:01:23 AM)

Moralizing???  Hell!  The whole concept of BDSM is based on consensuality.  The whole basis of marriage is... well, I'd sure like to know what you cheaters think that marriage is based on.  To me, it's based on not only love but trust and honesty, and hon, when honesty are gone, trust and love go RIGHT out the door. 

How the FUCK do you think your spouse will feel if (when) he finds out?  Is your little "I'm not getting what I neeeeeeeeeeed from him" whine going to make him understanding of your infidelity?  How would you feel in his shoes (or hers) if you found out he was cheating on you with some other woman?

Personally, I think you all are just using BDSM as yet another poor, pathetic excuse to look outside your marriage.  You have to feel justified, and this is a good one.  But if you didn't find this, you would find some other reason. 

Oh, and the notion that it's okay for women to cheat on their husbands, because men do it all the time on their wives... that is just so unspeakably ridiculous it's not even worth trying to rebut.

So then let's take a look at your Dom.  Supposedly someone who has it together, and is capable of looking out for a submissive.  Hmmm, let's see, what kind of person enters into a relationship with an adulterer???  OH!  I know!!!!  Look!  It's ANOTHER ADULTERER!  Oh well, on the other hand, at least you're on the same level.  Low.  You deserve each other. 

And guess what?  Moralizing or no, it's still discussion even when we disagree with you.  If you want understanding, sympathy and noncritical agreement, go form a support group. 

quote:

ORIGINAL: sskitten
In that post, I tried to share some of the inner conflicts I feel as a married cheater, along with my frustration that there is no opportunity for those in our situation to have a thoughtful discussion of this issue on the message boards because the discussion gets drowned out by the moralizing. 



SirChazz -> RE: Hubby is vanilla so i went outside my marriage (4/21/2006 8:13:11 AM)

I agree that every one will see this as they will, or in other words personalize it. I was in a vanilla relationship for some time and could not stay, I had to leave and find some one who understood me. I feel that we do not have controll of who fall in love with, but we can make choices, and if you can live with your choice. Then who am I to judge you. We have all done things we are not proud of, and if you tell the people you love and they are still around then there you go, you have the real thing.

Sir Chazz



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