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RE: Does everyone want to be "poly"? - 10/2/2004 11:40:12 PM   
LadyBeckett


Posts: 865
Joined: 2/4/2004
From: Scotland/Tennessee
Status: offline 		Well said, Suleiman.

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RE: Does everyone want to be "poly"? - 10/2/2004 11:52:06 PM   
Suleiman


Posts: 1127
Joined: 9/9/2004
Status: offline 		You know, I never get tired of reading that phrase....

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RE: Does everyone want to be "poly"? - 10/5/2004 2:08:15 AM   
Redmage


Posts: 14
Joined: 10/2/2004
Status: offline 		I don't think everyone wants to be poly - as the replies to this thread show. But if you don't want to be poly, and you're in a relationship, then it's less likely that you'll be on a board like this. I think the online environment and to some extent the public scene in general is strongly slanted toward polyamory in various forms, so to those who spend a lot of time in those venues it can look like the kink world is more poly than it is.

For the record, I'm poly myself, currently married in an open relationship. Just so you know how I'm likely to be biased, if I am.

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RE: Does everyone want to be "poly"? - 10/5/2004 1:01:38 PM   
infyniti


Posts: 37
Joined: 8/13/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Redmage

I don't think everyone wants to be poly - as the replies to this thread show. But if you don't want to be poly, and you're in a relationship, then it's less likely that you'll be on a board like this. I think the online environment and to some extent the public scene in general is strongly slanted toward polyamory in various forms, so to those who spend a lot of time in those venues it can look like the kink world is more poly than it is.

For the record, I'm poly myself, currently married in an open relationship. Just so you know how I'm likely to be biased, if I am.

Let's see.... i don't want to be poly ( maybe jealous, or just that "only kid syndrome", not sure) i am in a relationship.... but i am on a board like this...oooops, i even started the thread.
Feeling just silly..... but seriously, i think i am here to meet other likeminded couples, we also attend many public venues ( soon to be attending Black Rose).... i am not sure if it really is correct to say that the online environment is less likely to have us " mono couples" on here. I think i love to attend many public events for the voyeur in me ( evil grin).... also we had dealt with x spouses who thought us to be extremely deviant to say the least in our beliefs, so maybe our attending events keeps us from " hiding" what we like. ( after all.... the golfer goes golfing, the bowler, bowls, etc) Basically, i like being kinky
i also feel that is ok to be on boards like this or sites like this... it is great to belong to a group where several people enjoy the same interests... even if they are not the "exact" same interests. (where are all the non poly couples now??? ) lol
IMO.... i have heard of too many couples in open or poly relationships where one leaves the other for the newer person.... just leads me to be lieve that there was something wrong in the first place.....a risk i don't think i wanna take.
Too old to take risks anymore...
infyniti

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RE: Does everyone want to be "poly"? - 10/5/2004 1:37:57 PM   
jillwfsub4blkdom


Posts: 375
Joined: 7/2/2004
Status: offline 		i have no interest in a poly relationship even though i have been told that it is "supposedly human nature". i feel strongly that monogamous relationships can and do work. To each their own as far as i am concerned as long as respect is shown for each opinion.

jill

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RE: Does everyone want to be "poly"? - 10/6/2004 10:51:13 AM   
Redmage


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Joined: 10/2/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: infyniti

Let's see.... i don't want to be poly ( maybe jealous, or just that "only kid syndrome", not sure) i am in a relationship.... but i am on a board like this...oooops, i even started the thread.
Feeling just silly..... but seriously, i think i am here to meet other likeminded couples, we also attend many public venues ( soon to be attending Black Rose).... i am not sure if it really is correct to say that the online environment is less likely to have us "mono couples" on here.

Well, I did say that it was less likely, not that you weren't here at all. After all, why did you start this thread if you weren't finding that people like you are unusual here? You even said it yourself: "I am beginning to feel that it is harder to find other couples in the lifestyle like ourselves everyday."

I offered a reason for that, namely that people like yourselves are less likely to be part of boards like this or the public scene in general.

None of this should be taken to mean that you shouldn't be here, or that you're less than welcome. It just means that on the whole monogamous couples have less to draw them to venues like this, so you'll have a harder time finding them here.

quote:

I think i love to attend many public events for the voyeur in me ( evil grin).... also we had dealt with x spouses who thought us to be extremely deviant to say the least in our beliefs, so maybe our attending events keeps us from "hiding" what we like.

And there's not a thing in the world wrong with those reasons. In fact, those are close to some of my reasons for being active in the public scene as well (I've never had a vanilla partner, but I still think it's important to avoid hiding what I am). I'm also a shameless voyeur and exhibitionist. I enjoy watching other people having fun.

quote:

IMO.... i have heard of too many couples in open or poly relationships where one leaves the other for the newer person.... just leads me to be lieve that there was something wrong in the first place.....a risk i don't think i wanna take.

That's understandable. Just remember that monogamy is no security against that. I'm sure you've heard of many more supposedly monogamous couples where the same thing happened.

I don't really understand why that would happen in a healthy poly relationship myself. From my POV, I have two wives who love me. I have occasional outside lovers as well. So why in the world, I ask myself, would I want to give up my loving partners to run off with someone else, when we're all perfectly happy with things as they are?

It makes no sense to me, but I know it does happen. My best guess is that in couples where that happens one partner or the other, or both, was exploring polyamory because they weren't happy at home, not because they're poly by nature. In a case like that I think that the relationship is headed for trouble whether or not it remains monogamous.

Poly isn't right for everyone, don't get me wrong. But I don't think it's the cause of a breakup like that. I think that in those cases the interest in poly is simply the manifestation of an underlying problem.

Best,

Redmage

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RE: Does everyone want to be "poly"? - 10/6/2004 11:47:13 AM   
Nvernilla


Posts: 303
Joined: 10/1/2004
Status: offline 		Well I didn't mean to give the wrong impression I just was in too big of a hurry to type a long time ( Im slow at it ) This was a 4 yr. relationship where we introduced poly after we got married and it ended in 10 mo. ...It was her jealousy that caused her to start her final relationship. But in her defense she did tell me she would get mad if I slept with certain persons which I did do. I just really feel that had we been monogamus it would have been better...not that I want to be with her now just trying to shed an alternate light from the accepted poly view. We are even still friends. There were other problems than the poly here too. Now I'd never be poly for other reasons, don't get this wrong either I am offended in no way and happy that we don't all have the same view. You learn much more from those with opposing viewpoints than from ones who share yours...Mike

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RE: Does everyone want to be "poly"? - 10/6/2004 12:14:56 PM   
sweetpleaser


Posts: 689
Joined: 8/5/2004
From: Florida
Status: offline 		Since we are on the same poly subject, I am curious as how your wives get along with each other. I have been told of other poly relationships that work as well; this is purely my own curiosity. Does one ever get jealous of the time you spend with the other? Or does the odd woman out have a lover as well? Please do not read negativity into this--I'm truly trying to understand. If my partner had another wife I believe I would be jealous if it wasn't my night to be with him. Or maybe happy because I could have some time alone, I don't know. Maybe someone could shed some light for me without being offended.

ann

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RE: Does everyone want to be "poly"? - 10/6/2004 1:05:34 PM   
subbiejenn


Posts: 631
Joined: 7/12/2004
Status: offline 		i am also curious. i do not think i could live in a poly household but there are a lot of things in the lifestyle i never thought i could do and i enjoy them now *grins*

i think it takes a special kind of submissive not to be jealous and be accepting of sharing. Maybe it is just that special of a relationship with such a high level of trust and communication.

I am looking forward to a sub/slave in this position posting on this and shedding light on how she deals with it or if it is even an issue with her.

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RE: Does everyone want to be "poly"? - 10/6/2004 1:32:40 PM   
infyniti


Posts: 37
Joined: 8/13/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: subbiejenn


i think it takes a special kind of submissive not to be jealous and be accepting of sharing. Maybe it is just that special of a relationship with such a high level of trust and communication.


i have this fantasy where i am forced to watch as my partner plays and has sex with another.... hmmmmmmm.... that is another topic for another thread though i really don't know why that is a fantasy of mine..... then again , maybe we aren't suppose to live out all our fantasies???
in real life i myself think i am too jealous of a person to want to share the man i am with especially if he feels the same way.... i feel we have a high level of trust and communication but in the real world, i think it would make me feel that he didn't love or want me as much as the other person, i think there would me some type of mental competition for me....... i don't compete will in affairs of the heart... that is just me though..
peace
infyniti

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RE: Does everyone want to be "poly"? - 10/6/2004 1:58:52 PM   
subbiejenn


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quote:

in real life i myself think i am too jealous of a person to want to share the man i am with especially if he feels the same way.... i feel we have a high level of trust and communication but in the real world, i think it would make me feel that he didn't love or want me as much as the other person, i think there would me some type of mental competition for me....... i don't compete will in affairs of the heart... that is just me though..
peace
infyniti


i feel the same way... and i would rather walk away from a relationship then compete for His love. To me i feel like if He can't say i want you and isn't sure who He wants He don't love me like i need and want to be loved. But sometimes i think that is the Vanilla world coming out of me and i am not opening up enough to expand my horizon on other things i maybe can enjoy. When i think about it there are many people who do get something out of being poly or they wouldn't do it, maybe i am just missing what it is. I would like to understand being poly more...

i think it would be great being able to share with another submissive, having a friend so close but it would be the times i am alone and not "with them" where i would have problems i think.

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RE: Does everyone want to be "poly"? - 10/6/2004 7:55:31 PM   
Redmage


Posts: 14
Joined: 10/2/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: sweetpleaser

Since we are on the same poly subject, I am curious as how your wives get along with each other. I have been told of other poly relationships that work as well; this is purely my own curiosity. Does one ever get jealous of the time you spend with the other? Or does the odd woman out have a lover as well?

They're quite devoted to each other. Actually I live with three women: My wife of law, M, to whom I'm officially married; my second wife, S, who joined us almost four years ago; and M's lover, L, who joined about 6 years ago. So it's a pretty stable committed relationship.

M and I have been a poly couple since we met in our teens, coming up on 25 years ago. We've been married for 17 years.

We work out sleeping arrangements as needed. Sometimes M sleeps in my bed, sometimes in L's bed. S has her own bed and joins me in mine whenever M isn't there. It works out to about 50/50. There's not much jealousy - my wives look out for each other, and if I neglect one I'm likely to hear about it from the other one before I do from the one I'm slighting.

I think that's the only way this can work, by the way - there has to be mutual love and caring among all the partners in a relationship like this. If my wives both loved me but didn't love each other I doubt we'd last 6 months.

< Message edited by Redmage -- 10/6/2004 10:43:43 PM >

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RE: Does everyone want to be "poly"? - 10/6/2004 8:44:19 PM   
topcat


Posts: 1675
Joined: 1/31/2004
From: Tidewater, VA
Status: offline
quote:

and if I neglect one I'm likely to hear about it from the other one before I do from the one I'm slighting.


Sir-

Welcome to the boards <s>.

The above has always struck me as the both the advantage and the bane of a poly relationship- that you would find out when you had slighted a woman, without having to guess at what you've done this time, but that you would really be gunned if you had done wrong<g>.

Still, knowing your ladies (I actually just realised that we've only met once or twice, but I have met L., M., & S. on a number of occasions), I envy your situation- it's a rare group the four of you have made.

Please give my warm regards to all, and tell S. that the island just hasn't been the same since she left-

Stay warm,
Lawrence
( Lawrence from Compuserve)

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RE: Does everyone want to be "poly"? - 10/6/2004 9:02:57 PM   
Redmage


Posts: 14
Joined: 10/2/2004
Status: offline 		heya, Lawrence! I thought that was you that Bailey's been smitten with.

Thanks for the welcome, and I'll pass on your hugs to the ladies. I am in fact an absurdly lucky man.

< Message edited by Redmage -- 10/6/2004 10:44:42 PM >

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RE: Does everyone want to be "poly"? - 10/7/2004 6:18:59 AM   
sweetpleaser


Posts: 689
Joined: 8/5/2004
From: Florida
Status: offline 		Wow, what a relationship! Thank you so much for responding positively. I assume S is not bothered by the time you spend away from her. I personally love sleeping and cuddling each night with my BF and would miss him if he wasn't there. I know of a lot of women, however, who enjoy being alone. This dynamic is interesting to me. I was fortunate to get to know polygamists in Utah (they are extremely private normally). In their case they grow up knowing they will be in a polygamist marriage and don't know any better. They really don't choose (based on the tight sect in which they live) to be in a monogamous marriage. They are a very loving group or "family" where the sister wives take care of each others children, etc...

So, again, thank you!

Sincerely,
ann

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RE: Does everyone want to be "poly"? - 10/8/2004 10:11:53 PM   
baileythorne


Posts: 264
Joined: 6/6/2004
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quote:

ORIGINAL: NoCalOwner

It is NOT that mono people aren't out there, it's just that they don't have as much motivation to show up for munches, etc.


I believe this to be true. Most monogamous folks come to the community to look for a partner. Once they find one, especially if they are not public players, the community no longer serves a need. So they go off happily together. Nothing wrong with that.

However, I think that leaves a concentration of folks in the public scene who are (a) poly or (b) exhibitionsts. The community continues to serve a purpose for these folks. But it is not representative of all kinsters.

I've been in several relationships where my partner was poly and I was not. I found a way to make it work. Now I've grown to the point I'd like to be able to play with others on occaision as I've met some incredible people in this community. And now, of course, I'm meeting men who are looking for strictly monogamous partner. Go figure :-)

That is a place I never thought I'd come to.

--bailey

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RE: Does everyone want to be "poly"? - 10/21/2004 9:52:36 AM   
srahfox


Posts: 261
Joined: 10/17/2004
Status: offline 		At the start of me and my husbands relationship I said no way, only you and me. (Way back when in my vanilla life) Then shortly after I moved up here (Long distance relationship) he cheated on me. Well, that was nearly the end of it all. But I really truely loved him, and I could tell he loved me. He didn't keep it a secret, he told me the next day. I thought and thought about it. The I came to the realization that, he only fucked her. he came home to me. Made sure I was fed (It was a wierd situation) and taken care of. He did everything for me. She was nothing to him but a piece of ass.
Well, that was a long time ago now and things have changed. We are closer than we have ever been, and sharing is no longer an issue. I do feel that in theis forum it may be harder to find people who aren't poly. But I'm sure they are there, just keep looking. Fopr me I am quite happy. And as the Sub in the relationship I can say we have almost had a second serious person in our life and I almost miss it. I could see us having a second wife. It would just have to be a really special person.

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RE: Does everyone want to be "poly"? - 10/21/2004 11:05:00 AM   
NoCalOwner


Posts: 241
Status: offline 		I think that your story, srahfox, probably sounds familiar to a lot of people. It definitely does to me, although we got to skip the cheating incident. Sometimes, especially early in relationships, people feel insecure and really need sex as the dividing line, the thing which makes the couple's relationship different from the relationships they have with other people. Without something concrete like that, they worry. The "sexual monopoly" thing becomes obsolete when the relationship become either very strong or very weak. Some people see the weak relationships, and perceive that as meaning that ethical sluttishness is just an escape from a bad relationship, the beginning of the end. But that can also be the exact opposite of correct. If you have a very strong and secure relationship, "just a fuck" isn't going to bother you or make you feel threatened. Cooking a meal can be an act of love, too, but we don't get into fisticuffs at restaurants, do we? And yet "just a fuck" isn't much different from eating a meal. A simple physical pleasure which has no meaning or significance.

Many creatures get extremely aroused any time there is a prospect of a new sexual partner*, and newness is the one thing you can't offer in a long term relationship. So you can't even feel sexually slighted if your other half greatly enjoys occasional sex with others. It's just primordial newness-related instinct at work, and no reflection on you. On the contrary, you have survived the test of time, and your lack of newness makes you entirely unique.

Whatever your inclinations, readers, I hope that you may feel loved enough and secure enough that you could share without stress, even if you never choose to do so.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
This is known as "Coolidge Effect," after the following apocryphal story:

One day President and Mrs. Coolidge were visiting a government farm. Soon after their arrival they were taken off on separate tours. When Mrs. Coolidge passed the chicken pens she paused to ask the man in charge if the rooster copulates more than once each day. "Dozens of times" was the reply. "Please tell that to the President," Mrs. Coolidge requested. When the President passed the pens and was told about the rooster, he asked "Same hen everytime?" "Oh no, Mr. President, a different one each time." The President nodded slowly, then said "Tell that to Mrs. Coolidge."

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RE: Does everyone want to be "poly"? - 10/21/2004 7:48:00 PM   
slavewithnoname


Posts: 24
Joined: 8/24/2004
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quote:

But in her defense she did tell me she would get mad if I slept with certain persons which I did do. I just really feel that had we been monogamus it would have been better...


Sounds to me like there was already a few "breakdowns" in the relationship. Poly may mean more than one partner, but it also entails openess, honesty and acceptance of those actions/partners. Just my own personal opinion.
~slavegirl~

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RE: Does everyone want to be "poly"? - 10/22/2004 12:34:22 PM   
Thanatosian


Posts: 765
Joined: 5/10/2004
From: New Castle, PA
Status: offline
quote:

Many creatures get extremely aroused any time there is a prospect of a new sexual partner


This may be known as the Coolidge Effect from the apocryphal story, but the fact itself has been scientifically observed on numerous occasions - the one that immediately springs to mind is the experiment conducted with mice (or rats, cant remember which offhand) - where the mouse would only have limited sex with the same partner, but if new partners were introduced on a continuing basis, the mouse would copulate himself into a state of exhaustion doing one right after the other

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