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Too Intense <Redux> - 4/20/2006 9:18:05 PM

CERCKL

Posts: 1039
Joined: 3/4/2006
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OK, so I received some wonderful advice and support, even though I tend to be an asshole on these boards...and once again, I open veins for too close of a look at Myself...

I worked on being consciously slower, though I could feel a lot around Me accelerating in pace...I took smaller steps and actually felt that there was a continuing growth with lotus, that though there were aspects and trust issues to deal with, that they would be then I received a message stating that the problems she was having with Us were problems with herself and that she needed to work through them by herself ending with...

" I do hope you don't take it personally , and I do love you.... but I cannot do this right now , and maybe ever again..." This is a woman who I have felt a familiarity, a connection with more comprehensive, more in depth, more complete than with anyone before; who I actually consciously decided to step beyond my usual defenses and remained honest, open, complete with... Now, what do I do? I respect her desire not to have contact in person or on the phone, I hope she finds what she is seeking, I recognize the specialness which exists between us and I learn once again that I can be complete, with out pulling My usual cynical Jedi Mind Tricks into it...and I mourn the loss.Thank you for watching My car wreck...please move along to the next more entertaining thread. C

_____________________________

AND I AM TOO AN ASSHOLE, I HAVE REFERENCES!!!

"Please, please, please believe me, I really am an asshole. All that Enlightenment and Higher Learning shit was all a ruse."

Post #: 1

RE: Too Intense <Redux> - 4/20/2006 9:29:34 PM

BitaTruble

Posts: 9779
Joined: 1/12/2006
From: Texas
Status: offline

:( You have my email on the other side, C.. use it if you ever need to do so.

Celeste

_____________________________

"Oh, so it's just like
Rock, paper, scissors."

He laughed. "You are the wisest woman I know."

(in reply to CERCKL)

Post #: 2

RE: Too Intense <Redux> - 4/21/2006 2:11:18 AM

ExistentialSteel

Posts: 676
Joined: 1/18/2005
Status: offline

Cerckl, years ago this woman, Carol, calmly explained to me why we shouldn't be together. I listened and had to admit she knew what she was talking about. She lived in NJ and I lived in GA. We met about once a month and it limited both of us, since I didn't want to commit to a fulltime, living together relationship. As much sense as it made, it still hurt. Rejection tends to create need. The one rejected always will feel the sting and go through a period of wanting even more. That is human nature. Your are in a transient situation that is stressful, but it passes is what you have to keep in mind.

_____________________________

For those who are like Roman Candles leaving bright trails in the night sky while the crowd watches until the dark blue center light bursts into magnificent colors and the crowd goes, ahhhhhhhhhh.

(in reply to CERCKL)

Post #: 3

RE: Too Intense <Redux> - 4/21/2006 2:20:05 AM

RavenMuse

Posts: 4030
Joined: 1/23/2006
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quote:

ORIGINAL: CERCKL
then I received a message stating that the problems she was having with Us were problems with herself and that she needed to work through them by herself

Oh what a familiar situation that seems to be. You are definatly not alone in that. It is intensely annoying, frustrating and hard not to read as being subtly screwed around. Eventualy you simply have to see it as just another aspect of incompatability and get back on with looking for what you want, regardless of how close you thought you'd come to already finding it.

_____________________________

This above all: to thine own self be true,
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man.

Owner of metalmiss

(in reply to CERCKL)

Post #: 4

RE: Too Intense <Redux> - 4/21/2006 2:46:55 AM

catize

Posts: 3020
Joined: 3/7/2006
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I am so sorry it didn't work out for you.
I'm going through something similar, only it's not been a clean break. DG is in a situational depression. He has alternately shut me out completely or when we do talk he has been quite abrupt and has shocked me with some of the things he has said and done. I can't decide if he is being deliberately obtuse or if he just isn't thinking clearly right now. He and I need to talk, but he doesn't have the energy. So here I sit with raw emotions and no way to resolve them.
Ah, life sucks sometimes........

_____________________________

"Power is real. But it's a lot less real if it's not perceived as power."
Robert Parker, Stranger in Paradise

(in reply to CERCKL)

Post #: 5

RE: Too Intense <Redux> - 4/21/2006 3:56:02 AM

feastie

Posts: 1793
Joined: 6/4/2004
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This was anything but a car wreck, but it exemplifies perhaps the most difficult and challenging end to a relationship that exists. I don't know you, Cerckl, but I understand this loss. I wish you strength. This road to recovery seems endless, but it does end.

(in reply to CERCKL)

Post #: 6

RE: Too Intense <Redux> - 4/21/2006 4:00:00 AM

truesub4u

Posts: 2949
Joined: 11/17/2005
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CERCKL.... so sorry... having recently been there.... i know the sting.... the pain... the questions ...... holler at me if ya need anything... including some of that Turkish Coffee.... hugggssssss

_____________________________

Wisdom is knowing what to do next, Skill is knowing how to do it, and Virtue is doing it.

(in reply to catize)

Post #: 7

RE: Too Intense <Redux> - 4/21/2006 5:02:44 AM

LadyJulieAnn

Posts: 979
Joined: 6/29/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: CERCKL

Now, what do I do? I respect her desire not to have contact in person or on the phone, I hope she finds what she is seeking, I recognize the specialness which exists between us and I learn once again that I can be complete, with out pulling My usual cynical Jedi Mind Tricks into it...and I mourn the loss. Thank you for watching My car wreck...please move along to the next more entertaining thread.

I think in situations like this we really need to trust and accept that our partners really do know what's best for them at the time and respect their decision to leave, as difficult as it may be. Your words here show great maturity and strength, recognizing how special and loving your relationship was, but being able to let go when it was time. I believe people come in and out of our lives for a reason and that we can take something from each relationship we experience and grow from that point on.

Be well,
Julie

(in reply to CERCKL)

Post #: 8

RE: Too Intense <Redux> - 4/21/2006 5:58:10 AM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

Boy it sucks, and I won't take the "I told you so" route because that's generally always rude and never helpful (although maybe saying "I won't take that route" is, in fact, doing it anyway and ruins the whole point of the email.)

OK main point- learn what you can from this. There are a lot of great lessons here, from start to finish. Your clipboard has now become fuller and more intricate.

And it sucks. Time will heal.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to CERCKL)

Post #: 9

RE: Too Intense <Redux> - 4/21/2006 6:22:28 AM

bandit25

Posts: 3029
Joined: 6/18/2005
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I'm still going through your pain. It does suck. BIG TIME!

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

Post #: 10

RE: Too Intense <Redux> - 4/21/2006 6:25:47 AM

CERCKL

Posts: 1039
Joined: 3/4/2006
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quote:

Boy it sucks, and I won't take the "I told you so" route because that's generally always rude and never helpful (although maybe saying "I won't take that route" is, in fact, doing it anyway and ruins the whole point of the email.)

OK main point- learn what you can from this. There are a lot of great lessons here, from start to finish. Your clipboard has now become fuller and more intricate.

And it sucks. Time will heal.

<weary g>

LA, you are given your 'I told you so" bragging rights...I allowed a progression at a faster rate than I knew was proper, lulled by the sense of familiarity and wanting to believe a deep connection existed. As I have posted numerous times, personal responsibility is damned important and though I cannot control how others react, I can control how I create myself to others and my reality wrapped around myself...

More trust issues were apparent as the intensity remained as well as many questions arising when her past 'master' started reaching out to her and redoubled his efforts when she didn't react in her usual hurt manner with him...falling into past patterns, even destructive are more comfortable than change...

Allowing the experience to exist, accessing the emotional fallout and allowing myself the indulgence of licking my wounds...then I will let go and continue.

I wish to thank those I have met here for allowing me to make an abvious grab for validation, attention at this time...your responses both private and on the post has definitely helped this asshole quite a bit.

Namaste,

C

_____________________________

AND I AM TOO AN ASSHOLE, I HAVE REFERENCES!!!

"Please, please, please believe me, I really am an asshole. All that Enlightenment and Higher Learning shit was all a ruse."

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

Post #: 11

RE: Too Intense <Redux> - 4/21/2006 6:26:03 AM

Arpig

Posts: 9930
Joined: 1/3/2006
From: Increasingly further from reality
Status: offline

Suck it up, buddy...life stinks, and love hurts....that's just the way of it, so get up, dust yourself off, and get back up on that horse.

_____________________________

Big man! Pig Man!
Ha Ha...Charade you are!

Why do they leave out the letter b on "Garage Sale" signs?

CM's #1 All-Time Also-Ran

(in reply to bandit25)

Post #: 12

RE: Too Intense <Redux> - 4/21/2006 6:37:25 AM

krikket

Posts: 1183
Joined: 11/17/2004
From: Washington, DC Metro Area
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: CERCKL

I worked on being consciously slower, though I could feel a lot around Me accelerating in pace...I took smaller steps and actually felt that there was a continuing growth with lotus, that though there were aspects and trust issues to deal with, that they would be then I received a message stating that the problems she was having with Us were problems with herself and that she needed to work through them by herself ending with..." I do hope you don't take it personally , and I do love you.... but I cannot do this right now , and maybe ever again..."

If i had a nickle for every time someone told me this i'd be moderately rich (allowing for inflation, of course..lol) . All kidding aside, my first thought is that it was extremely tacky to tell you this in a message -- an all too familiar way of chickening out, not standing up for what we believe in as a mature, responsible adult. i suspect You, like the rest of us, deserve better.

quote:

This is a woman who I have felt a familiarity, a connection with more comprehensive, more in depth, more complete than with anyone before; who I actually consciously decided to step beyond my usual defenses and remained honest, open, complete with... Now, what do I do? I respect her desire not to have contact in person or on the phone, I hope she finds what she is seeking, I recognize the specialness which exists between us and I learn once again that I can be complete, with out pulling My usual cynical Jedi Mind Tricks into it...and I mourn the loss.Thank you for watching My car wreck...please move along to the next more entertaining thread. C

You ask "Now, what do I do?" While i can't tell You what to do, i can share what i've done in the past under similar situations:

First, try to discover what You learned about this relationship and most importantly, learned about Yourself. It helps is those ideas are positive, not "what a sap i am" (that was first on my own list..lol).

Second, think about the entire time, if there were things you could have or should have done differently, and, most importantly, if it would have made for a different outcome. (Chances are good that the same outcome would occur anyway, but at least You'll know You did what You thought was best at the time with what You had to work with.

Thirdly, allow yourself, as often needed and for as many times as You need), to go through all the stages of grief: Shock, Anger, Denial, Bargaining (seeking realistic solutions), and finally Acceptance (finally finding the way forward). Now, i know that sounds all nice and tidy, but it wasn't for me. i cried, cursed first at fate, then him, then myself. i locked myself away for days, ate bowls and bowls of ice cream, gave myself permission for a 15 minute pity party (by the time i did this i realized he didn't deserve more..lol), etc. I'm sure you get the idea: it wasn't a pretty picture, and took far longer than i wanted it to or even should have -- but i did come out the other side, a little wiser, a little less trusting, et al.

i hope some of this helps. Please be good to Yourself.. and good luck...

jimini

_____________________________

"And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to bloom."

by A. Nin

When your heart speaks take good notes.

(in reply to CERCKL)

Post #: 13

RE: Too Intense <Redux> - 4/21/2006 6:50:29 AM

meatcleaver

Posts: 9030
Joined: 3/13/2006
Status: offline

I'm cynical down to the fact of a bad experience by someone who I thought would prove to be the love of my life, though cute as she was, she turned out to be an evil bitch, which is why now I'm simply out for a good time.

I don't believe any woman (and if I was a woman a man) that on the one hand says she loves me and on the other hand does something that is the antithesis of that very emotion. If you truely love someone, it's a very big deal to be parted.

The only thing to do is go through the grieving process and move on.

(in reply to krikket)

Post #: 14

RE: Too Intense <Redux> - 4/21/2006 7:35:50 AM

Saratov

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Joined: 10/22/2005
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Sounds like pretty much all of my relationships...

(in reply to meatcleaver)

Post #: 15

RE: Too Intense <Redux> - 4/21/2006 7:42:43 AM

meatcleaver

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Joined: 3/13/2006
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Saratov

Sounds like pretty much all of my relationships...

This one was truely evil, mean, callous, malicious, there just isn't enough negative adjectives to describe her. What she did, I just never seen coming. I'm not talking about a bruised ego either, I wish that was all it was.

(in reply to Saratov)

Post #: 16

RE: Too Intense <Redux> - 4/21/2006 8:07:11 AM

Proprietrix

Posts: 756
Joined: 7/15/2005
From: Ohio/West Virginia
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: CERCKL
Allowing the experience to exist, accessing the emotional fallout and allowing myself the indulgence of licking my wounds...then I will let go and continue.

I think the best advice given so far, was the advice you gave yourself.

The sun always rises. But before we can see it, we have to get through the night.
Good luck cerckl.

(in reply to CERCKL)

Post #: 17

RE: Too Intense <Redux> - 4/21/2006 8:07:45 AM

CrappyDom

Posts: 1883
Joined: 4/11/2006
From: Sacramento
Status: offline

Online and long distance relationships tend to be more intense for one reason. Much of it is based on fantasy. You project a great deal onto your partner because there is so much missing, you don't see them late at night (I stop making what little sense I do make) you don't see them in the morning (where I am annoyingly perky), you don't know if the leave the lid up or pee all over the toilet. You don't know what their breath smells like or how hairy their back is.

If they are feeling shitty, they often don't take it out on you, they just don't log on, or log on under a different name, or log on somewhere else.

The list goes on and on, I believe the same thing about part time real life play arrangements, one can do things in those one cannot do with a live in partner, at least in my experience of mine and other relationships I have observed.

All that windy nonsense aside, I just lost a long term partner of over four years, a woman smart enough to make me look dumb, talented enough to make me look like talentless, and worldly enough to make me look like a rube. Trust me, I understand the pain, the sense of emptiness, and the doubts about the future.

Best of luck, most of us live through this shit and come out better on the other side.

(in reply to meatcleaver)

Post #: 18

RE: Too Intense <Redux> - 4/21/2006 9:40:13 AM

SusanofO

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Joined: 12/19/2005
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Hope your existence is as bearable as it can be, under the circumstances. Hope you find ways to integrate this into your psyche. I know it sounds like it Hurts.

This may sound corny, and is not meant to be an 'instant placebo' but any off-the cuff- coping tool that will work for you that doesn't hurt you can be good, I think...The last time something that sounds similar to what you describe happened to me (3 years ago), I remember watching that DVD "It's a Wonderful Life" about 8 times and wondering "What would the world be like if I had never been born?".
That, and driving myself around in my car listening to CDs (I just drove. I had no idea where I was going and didn't care. Just for hundreds of miles meandering on highways).

I asked myself if I'd done real (emotional) damage to myself or them (a question I couldn't answer from their end). They said they were 'fine', of course. The other person was what I consider mature, but when I looked at their life as a whole, what was their choice and what was mine and our ultimate affects on eachother as a result of what we had became all muddled. Months followed when we were polite to eachother in public (we are in some of the same social organizations) and didn't see eachother at all privately.

When we finally did, we had different ground rules as far as our expectations of eachother re: Where it ultimately might be going. As in, He didn't decide - He left it "open" (which was fine with me; it was actually what I wanted and was good for me). Then we had a 'break' and long time (months) when we didn't see eachother at all. We are re-considering what we might be doing in the future now (two weeks ago we saw eachother again).

I am doing Nothing now until I know we are both in a spot where we can both hack any 'ending' this time (He.already stated this as necessary; for both of us). So I said;
"Can we wait on this? For a few months? I don't expect you to wait for me- I am asking will you take it personally if I wait? I am Not Ready with a capital R".
He wasn't insulted. At least He said:"Sure". It was haaaard for me to say what I did.(and He knows it/ he also knows what I'v been through this past year) Did He mean what He said? I hope so. I also hope He does what He wants to do (and this is the kind of person who would do that, and He may not be there when I do decide I'm ready.

And part of me still feels obligated somehow to maybe 'dive in' too soon. Then things could get kinda 'messy.' He knows that and says He can handle it, but I am not so sure just what it is I want. He knows that too, and He's too smart to think He will change it if I am not willing to fully 'take the leap', shall we say.
Maybe most important: He does not view submissiveness as a 'deepening' thing. It's all-or-nothing from the beginning and I am not sure we are 'compatible.' He thinks it's a moot point - and I think not considering it is asking for trouble - especially the second time around on a much 'deeper (emotional) level'. I know what He's expecting. I am not sure I'll "measure up".

*(And all this may have no bearing on what you've been through since your situation is unique to you).

Bottom-line: Even if you do what you can, if you decide you want to, to try to repair a situation; it does take two to Tango.

If she's just "not there" (and may not ever be, although maybe she still could be, depending on what happens next, I don't know) then say to yourself, still;

The world really would be worse off if I were not here on this planet at all."

You've probably touched so many lives you'd never suspect in a positive way that if you knew how much and-or how many it might surprise you. I realize that's open to interpretation, and one's mood - as far as your take on what 'positive influence' means - but friends, co-workers, past loves, relatives, maybe even 'mere' acquaintances; they've all gained something from you being you. Try to believe that, if it helps you. -susanofO

< Message edited by SusanofO -- 4/21/2006 10:20:31 AM >

_____________________________

"Hope is the thing with feathers,
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all". - Emily Dickinson

(in reply to CERCKL)

Post #: 19

RE: Too Intense <Redux> - 4/21/2006 11:26:16 AM

MHOO314

Posts: 3628
Joined: 9/26/2004
Status: offline

This was not a trainwreck, but the sharing of a heartfelt moment--(ahhh so you aren't always an asshole I see---<smiles>)--it is indeed an example that Dominants are people--with feelings--and it isn't always about Us as individuals---and at the end of the day---we have hopes, dreams, wishes, desires, hearts...

that break.

_____________________________

SLUTS: Southern Ladies Under Tremendous Stress...

Mistress Hathor

(in reply to CERCKL)

Post #: 20

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