Willingness (Full Version)

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LadyPact -> Willingness (8/20/2010 8:50:44 AM)

This is something of a second part of a question that I asked on the Mistress board last week.  The first part of it was regarding drive by threads.  I was going to put this follow up in the same section, but the more that I thought about it, the more I've been leaning toward that the question applies across the board.  It is not specific to gender or which side of the kneel a person is on.

The basic concept of the question is what increases your willingness to help, teach, instruct, or assist people new to BDSM?  I'm thinking about this in a lot of different ways, so I'm going to expand a bit on what I'm attempting to relate.

When I give a demo, promote an event, or have an elected position in a munch group, I consider this as part of the deal.  My willingness to answer questions leading up to and during whatever I'm doing to be part of the job.  It's automatic because it's a part of the responsibility that I have accepted.  It's just part of the package that I volunteered for.

This changes a bit if I am just a regular attendee of a munch, play party, or an event.  Chances are still pretty high that I'll help someone who wants to learn a play technique or something along those lines.  The important key in this is that I am still a willing volunteer.  It doesn't work as well if I feel that My time is being demanded or there is a responsibility implied that I haven't agreed to.  There are a few factors that will make My willingness go up such as personality, approach, disposition, familiarity, and so on of the person asking Me.  Sometimes, it can be just a numbers game.  If there are five new people at a play party or an event, there really just isn't enough time to help everyone.  I suppose this also leads to an additional question.  If there are a number of new people, what draws you more to one person than another?

Extending this to an area like the forums, there are even more factors.  You lose the face to face element.  Often, there is also another element gone.  That being self motivation on the part of the person who may want to learn.  Some folks on this site, I tend to feel have the patience of saints.  They will spend considerable amounts of time explaining anything to anyone who comes along.  I admit, I'm not that magnanimous.  I'm more the type to do more when it's obvious that folks have done some independent study.  I'm old fashioned and I still recommend books to help people gain knowledge in some areas.  Again, even if you wanted to answer everything for everyone, it isn't possible due to the time factor involved.  That's My long winded way of saying that when the other person's investment goes up, so does My willingness.

I apologize for the length of this original.  I'll readily admit that it's not the best one that I've ever written.  However, I wanted to use several types of examples to get at what I'm talking about.  Also, I want to make it very clear that this is not a save/protect the new people thread.  That is a whole different subject entirely.

To reiterate the question, what increases your willingness to help, teach, assist, or instruct those who are new to BDSM?



juliaoceania -> RE: Willingness (8/20/2010 8:55:29 AM)

quote:

To reiterate the question, what increases your willingness to help, teach, assist, or instruct those who are new to BDSM?


I used to answer BDSM questions from a sub perspective, such as about subspace, etc, but I don't anymore... I figure I am just repeating myself and there is a search button on the top of the forum




sublizzie -> RE: Willingness (8/20/2010 9:32:32 AM)

I remember what it was like when I first started reading these boards. I had so many questions and no idea where to start asking. I appreciated the people with experience who would answer the most inane questions because then I could learn something new. I seldom asked questions because it was often an invitation for someone to shoot me down. I didn't use the search function because there were particular people on the boards I wanted to see their answers and I didn't know if they'd be on those threads or not. I'd watch for them to respond on the newer threads.

So now I try to answer questions when I feel I have something to add as a way of giving back. I don't get here every day so I don't always see threads that I *could* add to but I try to add something if I have something to say. There have been some threads that I've been involved in where I feel I've been helpful but most I'm not sure I've done more than just add to the cacaphony.



DarkSteven -> RE: Willingness (8/20/2010 9:38:08 AM)

If I feel like I would like the asker, I'll be more accommodating. As soon as he or she argues or talks down one of my friends, the door slams shut.



Icarys -> RE: Willingness (8/20/2010 9:39:12 AM)

For some it's probably ego but for me..The willingness to help is part of who I am. This has little to do with BDSM specifically and more to do with everyday life..it just happens to spill over into other areas.



berrygirl -> RE: Willingness (8/20/2010 9:49:32 AM)

I "perv" these boards, and have for many years.  I have a real life committed relationship with my Master of 2 years.  As most of you know who live real life BDSM experiences, this means emotional investment on a huge scale. I seldom, if ever respond to anything posted, mainly because I'm a pleb.  I am not an authority, have no letter after my name, no tangible qualifications.  I am a real person who experiences the expression of my sexuality in a real way.  I emote to everything I read  and I so hope each human heart that yearns, finds what it needs.  I'm a bad girl, and I like to dominate women and be dominated by the only man I've ever found capable of the job.  I have been His for a long time.  I love to devour women though, and teach them to please me.  I love to have a tender new woman lick my cunt and feel transformed by the act.  We women are a force unto to ourselves and I love immersing myself in the expectations and joys of another female.  Especially if she's sucking my toes.

So, what makes me respond to the posts of those new to the scene?  My own personal whims.  Sorry for I can't be pithy and informative and philanthropic in my desires and response, but I'm merely another aberrant individual seeking enjoyment and pleasure in this convenient venue.  Drop a line if you're interested.   I will send pics to those who interest me.




juliaoceania -> RE: Willingness (8/20/2010 10:28:22 AM)

FR

LuckyAlbatross used to take her time to give out links of all previous discussions whenever someone would ask a particular question that had been discussed previously... if anyone cared to look at the reward she got for her trouble it was usually ungrateful people who felt as though she was chastising them for asking... she wasn't. She was just trying to give them the information they were seeking.

After seeing her attacked repeatedly for attempting to be of service to people, it made me very hesitant to search for threads of topics that had been previously answered. I found people want to interact more than they want to learn. There is nothing wrong with that, but when they come here under the guise of learning something and you give them info and they get pissy about it... just kinda takes the motivation to be helpful away



LadyPact -> RE: Willingness (8/20/2010 10:39:35 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: juliaoceania

FR

LuckyAlbatross used to take her time to give out links of all previous discussions whenever someone would ask a particular question that had been discussed previously... if anyone cared to look at the reward she got for her trouble it was usually ungrateful people who felt as though she was chastising them for asking... she wasn't. She was just trying to give them the information they were seeking.

After seeing her attacked repeatedly for attempting to be of service to people, it made me very hesitant to search for threads of topics that had been previously answered. I found people want to interact more than they want to learn. There is nothing wrong with that, but when they come here under the guise of learning something and you give them info and they get pissy about it... just kinda takes the motivation to be helpful away

This is an excellent point, julia.  There was a thread that I answered just yesterday in another section that reminded Me of two threads that were excellent on the topic at hand.  There was a ton of information in both of them.  Unfortunately, it happens to be on one of those topics that comes up with some frequency, so it made those two particular threads impossible for Me to find with the time I had at My disposal.

I was one of the folks who used to appreciate Lucky Albatross a great deal for putting up those links.  I thought it was a great way to get someone the most information possible.



LaTigresse -> RE: Willingness (8/20/2010 10:47:37 AM)

When it comes to BDSM I am in no position to teach anyone anything.

Life stuff, relationship stuff, common sense stuff......I feel I know a pretty fair amount. However, whether or not I will help someone with something I actually know about, depends entirely on whether I feel they are willing to do the work. It also depends on whether or not I feel they want to learn or are just trying to stir shit and getting defensive when my 'help' doesn't agree with their points of view.

As Ron White said, "you can't fix stupid".



juliaoceania -> RE: Willingness (8/20/2010 10:50:29 AM)

quote:

It also depends on whether or not I feel they want to learn or are just trying to stir shit and getting defensive when my 'help' doesn't agree with their points of view.


Not that I care so much if my advice gets popular approval, but I also will sometimes hesitate to offer what I know will be unpopular advice.... it just isn't worth defending a point of view at times...



LaTigresse -> RE: Willingness (8/20/2010 10:55:58 AM)

Some days even I, haven't the energy for the hassle. And I love a rousing debate!



heartfeltsub -> RE: Willingness (8/20/2010 10:57:42 AM)

For me it is attitude, how they ask the question, whether or not it comes across as sincerely wanting the information and being willing to actually accept answers that may differ with their pre-conceived opinions or not. If it seems like just a troll looking for wanking material, i pass those by, which is part of why my posting count is so low for the number of years that i have actually been on this site. If they start being argumentative and rude, i walk away. i am not going to argue with an idiot. But if someone is really willing to learn and grow and honestly wants help and not just to stir up drama, i am willing to help.

*Edited to add what Leadership said, i have to feel that i really have something useful to contribute, i don't want to "speak" if i really don't have anything useful to say.



LadyHibiscus -> RE: Willingness (8/20/2010 11:00:36 AM)

These days it depends on how the question/questioner strike me.

I've been around a lot, I know a lot, if I have something useful to offer I *generally* do. If it's received well--ie, I am not shot down by the supposed "newbie" for not validating his/her view--then I go on.

If it seems to me that the person is too stupid to breathe... I move on. If it seems that they are a wanker... I move on.

I do miss the wide-ranging linkage of LuckyAlbatross. I have a good memory for threads gone by but linking them for other folks? SO not for me. Hats off to those who seem like the MotherTeresas of the boards with their patience and kindess!



leadership527 -> RE: Willingness (8/20/2010 11:01:54 AM)

*nods* Yeah, what heartfelt said.

I'll add in that I also need to feel like I actually have something useful to contribute which is not always the case.



LadyPact -> RE: Willingness (8/20/2010 12:16:34 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyHibiscus
These days it depends on how the question/questioner strike me.

If it seems to me that the person is too stupid to breathe... I move on. If it seems that they are a wanker... I move on.

This is something that I alluded to but didn't exactly address in the original.  (It was long enough.)

I'm actually more likely to respond to technical questions about play if a person has come across as someone who has some knowledge of what they are doing.  That can come across in different ways.  Either by hearing their views on other subjects or even prior things that they've written on something like a safety aspect.  I'm also more prone to put such things in private email to a person than openly on the boards.

A post that goes something to the effect of "I have a lot of experience with the violet wand, but I want to hear how you use it" isn't going to get as good of a response as "I've done a,b, and c with the wand, what else can I do".  The first sounds more like posturing and the second shows that they didn't just buy the thing last week and don't know what to do with it.

Does that reflect your view?



DesFIP -> RE: Willingness (8/20/2010 12:59:59 PM)

The attitude of the person asking for help. Nastiness or a sense of entitlement gets my back up. A straightforward "how do you do this"  or "what is she or he getting out of this" will get a much gentler answer out of me.

We don't play in public so no help with that. But having been to different lectures/workshops etc over the years, the attitude of the presenter makes a huge difference. You can tell when someone is blowing their own horn. People who do that could well have me walking out halfway and definitely never seeing/listening to them again.



DomImus -> RE: Willingness (8/20/2010 1:53:55 PM)

I often feel that when people ask questions they are looking for various personal perspectives maybe in addition to just a textbook answer. You can pull up several past threads on a given topic and see some common information in all of them and then find new information in each that is not in the others. If I feel like responding, I do. If I do not then I don't. If I was asking a question and all someone could muster in response is "Google is your friend" I wouldn't be interested in their opinion, anyway. Clicking the X really isn't that difficult. People who act like answering a question here is a major burden to them are jackasses.



Aileen1968 -> RE: Willingness (8/20/2010 1:57:23 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact


The basic concept of the question is what increases your willingness to help, teach, instruct, or assist people new to BDSM? 



Not a thing. I feel no desire or obligation in any way to do any of that. To me, this is an intimate journey.
If someone asks my opinion, and I feel like it, then I'll give it. It may be right for them or it may be wrong.
Such is life.



laurell3 -> RE: Willingness (8/20/2010 3:32:41 PM)

I don't have a problem helping new people. If they come asking something like what's the difference between a sub and slave, I don't see the benefit in any of our opinions on that matter because there really just isn't one answer in my opinion. I'm unlikely to spend much time on those issues. If they come saying I struggle with xyz...and I can identify with it and have some insight into that in my own journey, I will definitely respond if not here in their mailbox, with the mailbox approach being much more common. Sometimes I think viewing something from a differenct perspective can be immensely helpful when one is stuck and I know it has helped me to read different perspectives here over the years.

I'm not sure I really think their presentation matters as long as they're not total asshats as much as the type of question they are asking. Often times I feel like they are only here to slam their partner which isn't something I find productive or appropriate and I see those threads as incredibly one-sided. I get tired of the pin-the-tail on the invisible Dom game. I wish more often we said give him the link and let's hear his side and we'll answer...I know we won't, but it seems rather unfair to me and SO common for the word "abusive" to be tossed around based on so little information. Likewise if they come here and clearly their ideas of what a d/s relationship will be are completely unrealistic, I'm unlikely to climb that mountain other than a comment pointing that out. Those are just a few examples of questions that I think we see often that I wouldn't be inclined to offer much help on and I see many other posters having similar reactions.




sweetsub1957 -> RE: Willingness (8/20/2010 4:29:36 PM)

~FR~
I still have a lot to learn myself but, if I think I can help someone, I will be more/less likely to try depending upon their attitude. If they're polite/reasonable, yes. If they're being rude to other people, then no.

~sweetsub~



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