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tigreetsa -> The illusion of BDSM and D/s (8/23/2010 3:37:00 AM)
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One of the most popular concepts shared by many people involved in BDSM and D/s is that they are part of a lifestyle which is shared by many other people. This belief is held by many people, irrespective of whether they are in a relationship or not, irrespective of their role in the relationship, irrespective of their specific interests and kinks, their fetishes, and it's also irrespective of what gender they are, what age, what their background in society is.
It is a popular concept which is based on a belief that we are all different from 'vanilla', from people in wider society, there appears to be a common, shared awareness among these people, not prevalent throughout this belief, but common, that we are more aware of ourselves and our inner needs, simply through bringing our more idiosyncratic desires and needs into the relationship and being more open about them with other people 'in the lifestyle' and with our partners.
This is perfectly understandable. We all share one common aspect, irrespective of who we are - we are all individuals - there are no two people in this world who are exactly the same in every respect. This leads to a fundamental, underlying dichotomy in our thinking, because when getting to know another person, irrespective of who they are, instinctively we get to know them by comparing them to who we are.
We do this through identifying as much as we can which is similar and as much as we can which is different, working through each label in terms of polarity based on similar - different. Therefore we look at others in relation to ourselves based on broad categories 'us' and 'them' - male/female, tall/short, thin/fat, intelligent/stupid, and in terms of 'the lifestyle' dominant/submissive, sadistic/masochist, and so on.
The thing is, while BDSM and D/s is truly cross-cultural and can be found in almost any society if you care to look hard enough, your basic thinking based on the dichotomy and polarity which I've illustrated above is also largely influenced by local and national social and cultural beliefs which are widespread and shared among people of one nation or even one region, but exactly in what way these beliefs relate to someone's thinking of course differs from person to person, because we are all individuals.
However most of modern society is influenced heavily by modern religion, and most modern religions, among them Christianity, Islam and Judaism, the teachings of which (but not the core, fundamental beliefs) are outdated anyway as they are based to some degree on Sun worship, belief in a universal higher external authority namely a God which many Christians somehow identify with being in the image of a man, which explains why most of us are living in a male dominated society and all religious leaders, prophets and major figures are male, and all female figures are stereotypically female.
But these core beliefs permeate right through society in varying degrees, for example, many people believe in what I would describe as heterosexual supremacy, believing that homosexuality is wrong or unnatural, most people also would never consider a primary relationship with a transgendered person, either because they believe it is wrong, unnatural, or more commonly, simply because they feel they cannot relate to a transgendered person the same as they can with other people who aren't transgendered. These core beliefs also permeate through to BDSM and D/s, leading a significant proportion of people involved in 'the lifestyle' to believe that someone is naturally dominant, or a 'true dominant' if you prefer, or naturally submissive (a twue submissive) all the time in all their interactions with others.
However we all know of the existence of the Universe, and are aware that solar system based on the Sun as the centre is just a tiny part of the entire Universe itself. We are also led to believe that there is no centre of the Universe.
But there is. What's more, everyone can see it. Where is it? Go take a look. Look in any direction, and you will find it.
You see, it doesn't matter what direction you look in the sky, or anywhere else, you are looking straight ahead. Following this logically, you are looking at the centre of the Universe, but only from your own individual perspective. Everything around you, everything you see, is just another individual component of the entire Universe. There are only three possible constants - you, the Universe, and the relationship between you and the Universe.
It doesn't matter who you are. It's still the same three constants - you, the Universe, and the relationship between you and the Universe.
Therefore everything you see, everything you perceive, can only be relative to you individually. Truth is only truth you have accepted as truth when looking at something from your own perspective, the same goes with knowledge and belief.
Now think about everything you know and have experienced connected with BDSM and D/s. Is it not exactly the same? Are there not the same three constants - you, BDSM and D/s, and your own individual relationship and perception of BDSM and D/s? This is irrespective of who you are, the people you share your life with, and your interests, it's also irrespective of what your preferred role is - the fact whether you are dominant or submissive isn't a part of your inner nature, it's just a tendency you have which influences the way you prefer to interact with certain other people on an interpersonal level - the same three constants will always apply, you, BDSM and D/s, and the relationship between you and BDSM and D/s.
Also, it's worth stopping to think a moment about the primary source for all your knowledge, awareness, and understanding of BDSM and D/s. Where does it all come from? This is just my own personal opinion, but I happen to believe that the only reliable source for knowledge, increased awareness and understanding comes directly from real life experience, irrespective of whether you yourself are sharing the experience with someone else, or you are seeing the experience with your own eyes as it takes place between other people in the same location where you are.
Bear in mind that every single experience you share, every relationship you form and develop, and everything you see and perceive during these shared experiences is something you relate to in your own terms and the sum total of all these experiences constitutes your own individual knowledge, awareness, beliefs and understanding of everything connected with BDSM and D/s.
Some of those, who are more experienced, in making references to 'the lifestyle' are not referring to a common, shared, external lifestyle which everyone conforms to, but to something completely different (revealed later in this OP).
Yes it's also a known common fact that we now have computers, and yes it's also common knowledge that the Internet can be used as a valuable tool of research, gathering information and communication between people. But this is only meant to be a starting point for doing stuff in real life, it's not intended to replace real life.
Therefore you can also gain knowledge, an understanding and increased awareness from the Internet and other people via the Internet, but it's worth considering that all that knowledge, understanding and awareness you gain from being online should be verified in some way by real life experience before you accept it as knowledge or genuine understanding or awareness. I'm not saying it's any less valid, because many people who are very experienced in BDSM and D/s do come online to share information relating to their own experiences with the intention that it will lead to increased understanding, awareness and knowledge in others who aren't quite as experienced.
Why else do you think this part of the website and the message boards exist? Why else do you think that there's a forum, message board, and opportunities for journals and free writing on almost every BDSM website you can find?
But the fact remains the same, and that fact is what they share isn't guaranteed to fit in with what you are interested in, it's probably not going to always relate to or match your own experience and knowledge, and it can never replace or substitute your own real life experiences or knowledge of BDSM or D/s. You are not them, they are not you. Therefore at best all the information you gain from being online is second-hand knowledge.
Furthermore you cannot teach or train anybody by imposing your opinions, knowledge or beliefs on them, all you are doing is imposing your opinions, knowledge and beliefs on them, which isn't the same as teaching or training. You can only teach or train someone by exposing them to things they feel they need or want to learn, through presenting knowledge and experience in ways they can relate to, through reading, through talking, and through direct experience. Most people come here because they want to learn more about BDSM and D/s and how it relates to them, pretty much in the same way as they turn on the television or watch a movie because they want to learn something about life and relationships (some also come here for the same reason).
But this only serves to increase awareness, maybe understanding, and doesn't necessarily provide knowledge. At the risk of repeating myself the only reliable way, and best way, of transforming all this awareness and understanding into knowledge, is through first hand, or real life experience.
There's no place anywhere in BDSM and D/s for assumption and unfounded belief - nowhere at all.
Again my opinion and based on my own personal beliefs, which are centred around my own interpretation of Buddhism, and a belief in reincarnation and karma. I feel evidence of both can be found in the formation of the Life Script. We all form our own individual Life Script over the first seven years of our life.
Our first five years, from birth to around our fifth birthday, is spent gathering information about everything and everyone, us ourselves, our parents, other people in our lives, and we examine how everything and everyone relates to in our lives. During this period we start to form various strategies for getting attention, both postive and negative, from other people, starting with our parents who we test, the results of which provide further information.
Around the age of six we start to process this information and organize it into forming an objective in life, what we perceive to be a Mythos, or central character (us), and a life story which we believe is going to get us towards our objective. This process completes itself around the age of seven (but it varies from child to child in terms of their background, progress and development and also early childhood experiences) which influences not only how we live but also how we relate to other people. From the age of seven it slips quickly into our subconscious, we forget about it, but it always remains there in our subconscious as an underlying motivating factor behind how we behave and communicate with other people.
This I feel also has a direct influence on our identity here in BDSM and D/s. It influences how we prefer to interact and communicate with others in our interpersonal relationships, and I also feel that there's often a karmic element which influences what relationships we form, with who, and what experiences we feel we need to share with them.
It also influences us by enhancing the relationship cycles we form, both cycles within a relationship, and also cycles of relationships or patterns that we go through, one after the other, until we settle into a relationship we feel is pretty close to the ideal. Those who are poly may require more than one relationship to feel fulfilled, some may not require a stable relationship to feel fulfilled, but prefer shorter ones, and others may require periods of being alone alternating between periods of being in a relationship. It varies from person to person.
This is, I feel, why those who are experienced beyond a certain level in BDSM and D/s become more guarded in the way they form relationships, and why such relationships are generally based on a greater degree of trust and confidence. In becoming involved with such people, you're potentially becoming involved with a whole lot more than just games of spanky botty and kinky sex, but also other things which could potentially cause a lot of damage, not just physically, but also emotionally and psychologically, not just to them, but also potentially to you.
Indeed, there's a certain amount of risk involved. This is play, undertaken for the same motivations and reasons as children, fulfillment, recreation, increasing of one's awareness, understanding and knowledge. Only we're adults, the activities we enjoy during play are completely different, yes there's sex, but there's also pain, humiliation, degradation, deprivation, etc involved.
This is where the risk comes in, because potentially all it takes is one experience, one relationship, and before you know it something is triggered relating to a past experience and if that experience is negative the damage is done, and it can take weeks, months, even years for that damage to be overcome or a healing process completed.
This is also why I feel on the whole BDSM and D/s is much, much more than just kinky sex, and is actually a subculture which is so diverse, just like the Universe itself, that it is impossible to quantify it or shape it into any conceivable shape or form which can be seen to be shared commonly in its entirety among a great many people.
It's so common a belief that it renders many people who get involved in such discussions incapable of finding the middle ground in a discussion, the basic fact that whatever someone posts on a D/s or BDSM topic is their truth and knowledge which combined with the readers own truth and knowledge can actually combine to a shared truth and knowledge which can further be exploited - only if someone stops, thinks, and I mean really thinks about what is written - to increase one's level of awareness, understanding and potential knowledge relating to BDSM and D/s. Too many people cannot see past this 'lifestyle illusion' and so they never get beyond thinking in terms of accept/reject, agree/disagree, or believe/disbelieve.
This is also why very few people respond by trying to find out more information, by asking someone questions, particularly the question 'why?' - which is a very good prompt for getting people to explain their thinking, logic, reasoning behind what they're posting.
I feel that if more people disabused themselves of this illusory notion of 'the lifestyle' to which everyone must conform and started asking more questions and actually made an effort to increase their level of awareness, understanding and knowledge on BDSM and D/s then threads would start to get better, more informative, the community here would start to become much more inclusive, less people would feel marginalized or stigmatized, and eventually the boards would start to take on positive changes, with everyone deriving more benefit from them.
But this is true also in wider society and everywhere else. If you have any doubts as to how much modern mainstream religion based on Sun worship influences people's thinking then maybe go take a look at the threads in the Politics and Religion section. Please don't take my word for it, go see for yourself.
All this requires is a little more thinking and a little more effort on the part of everyone.
To me at least, there is no common shared 'BDSM Lifestyle', there is no One True Way, therefore there's no need to conform, and there's a place for everyone here, irrespective of who they are and what level of experience they have. Think about it. The only One True Way is Your True Way, shared by nobody else.
Your True Way can only be based on those three same constants which exist - you, BDSM and D/s, and your relationship to BDSM and D/s. These constants apply universally - irrespective of who you are, what sort of relationships you form, whatever interests you have, no matter how old you are, how inexperienced or experienced you are. The same applies to everyone else, irrespective of who they are.
This is why when the more experienced people here refer to the 'lifestyle' they are referring to it as it really is - a lifestyle which cannot be shared, which is individual only to you. This is both the 'lifestyle' as it appears to everyone here, and also the 'lifestyle' as it is perceived by them, and by assumption you, each from an individual perspective. The reality of this is that they are referring to the same lifestyle - that lifestyle which isn't shared but can only be seen from an individual perspective.
They are not referring to any external lifestyle which all of us share. There is no such lifestyle. It is only the illusion of BDSM and D/s.
If you can grasp this concept of there only being an 'individual' lifestyle, where we are all - in our own individual way - seeking to increase our own awareness, understanding and knowledge about BDSM and D/s, which is the primary motivation for people coming together both online and in real life, then maybe you can see just how meaningless all the conflicts, disagreements and arguments really are.
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