|
lally2 -> RE: Identity Crisis (8/24/2010 3:43:57 AM)
|
quote:
ORIGINAL: KariCloud
In healthy vanilla relationships, it's common for each person to want to do little things to please the other. That he apparently wanted nothing of you makes me wonder if there wasn't something more going on. Maybe as simple as he wasn't really all that in to you, or didn't care about the relationship, or was uncaring of people in general. It sounds strange to me that someone in a romantic relationship wanted nothing of their partner, vanilla or kinky.
Did you ask him why he didn't want you to do the things you offered to do for him? Did you tell him that your offering to do said things was because you wanted to do "something" for him? Did you ask what you could do for him that would please him?
Also, doing things to please someone else means that what you do must be on their terms. Otherwise, it is more about you than the person you are trying to please. So, in the future, when you want to please someone, they 1- have to be willing, 2- they must enjoy what you do, and 3- you'll need to let THEM decide what they want you do and when and how. If you try to force someone to let you please them, it won't please them! They have to enjoy what you do for that to work.
What all that means is you need to talk to your partner openly, honestly, frankly about what you want to do and why. And then, once you explained what you want, you have to be able to listen to them and what THEY want.
Let's take a hypothetical example: you decide you want to do something to please me. Well now, this gets a bit tricky because typically what pleases me is to make others happy. So, let's say that you adore going to amusement parks. What would please me is if you let me take you to an amusement park. It might sound backwards, because what I want you to do to please me is something you'd do to please yourself. But in this hypothetical scenario, you wouldn't be pleasing me by insisting that I let you make my morning tea. In fact, I'd be pretty upset if you insisted on making my morning tea because I greatly enjoy making it myself. The focus has to be on what the other person wants, not what you want, otherwise it isn't going to have the effect that you're looking for.
So, you know that you need your partner to need things from you. What else do you want? Be specific as you can, and be sure to include things that aren't related to kink/sex/relationships as well as things that are. Do you like to live in the city? Do you enjoy horsebackriding? Do you live to paint? Do you require new books on a daily basis? What do you love to do? What do you have no tolerance for? Then, once you know what you want and what you don't want, you'll have an easier time understanding what labels help define you with some accuracy.
Until you know what you want, you'll not be able to figure out what labels apply to you. And, knowing what you want makes it easier to find people with compatible interests too, so it's a worthwhile application of your time and energy. :)
Kari
i always love to read youre posts - just sayin'[:)]
the bit about the boyfriend not letting you (OP) do little things and what Kari said to that rang a teeny bell for me too. i was in a relationship with a very Dom vanilla who would always say 'you didnt have to do that' or somesuch. it took the wind out of my sails totally because i loved to do it and it kinda hurt when he said that, like he was rejecting me somehow. this was long before i identified with myself *here*. the thing is that if theyre vanilla they dont understand us, frankly. a Dom would understand that you want to do those things because its in youre nature to do them, you want to give and please. its how youre wired. so cool you know that.
going from knowing that and handing over the control (to whatever degree) is quite a big next step and it took me a while to get a handle on that. i dont think there are many subs out there who could honestly say that they got submission right the first time, its a growing journey and you just keep growing, changing and morphing as you go.
so i think what im saying is that since youve found youreself here and you have these feelings and they were strong enough for you to write on here and ask youre tentative question that prolly yes, you are.
but now you need to work out what that means to you, what you want and the type of guy you want it with. right now its all about you building a strong framework.
oh and just a word of warning - newbies go through a period of initiation - lol. youre going to be approached by all sorts of types. stick with the ones who want to learn about you, talk to you about who you are and dont try to rush you along.
above all, enjoy the journey - its an amazing trip xx
|
|
|
|
