Vanilla/Kink mixed relationships. (Full Version)

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Nehemiah -> Vanilla/Kink mixed relationships. (8/24/2010 11:06:38 PM)

Has anyone ever had a relationship where one partner was kinky and the other vanilla. Is it possible to make a relationship like that work?

I know of couples where the woman is in the sex industry and the guy is straight conservative vanilla. He'd prefer that she not do what she does, but he knows she loves it and he won't stop her. The woman is considering giving up a career that pays well and that she loves doing. But even if she gives up that type of work, her private life is also kinky and he just isn't into that.

I know of other couples in similar situations. One may be poly and kinky, while the other is monogamous and vanilla. I don't dig into their personal lives but wonder how they can get it to work.

Is anyone here in a similar situation? If so, could you explain the dynamics of it. I'd like to understand.



slavekal -> RE: Vanilla/Kink mixed relationships. (8/25/2010 7:16:46 AM)

Sounds like a recipe for disaster to me. Since I was about twenty years old or so, I have never pursued a relationship with a non dominant woman. Vanilla bores me. Why not be with a woman who turns me on?



CreativeDominant -> RE: Vanilla/Kink mixed relationships. (8/25/2010 7:50:09 AM)

I can't say that I disagree.  While there are many that like to think that they are willing to "open themselves up" to people from a diverse background, it doesn't mean that a relationship formed with someone with tastes completely different is going to work.  The old saying that "opposites attract" may be true but, while there may be a few of these diammetrically opposed couplings that last, I'd be willing to bet that the majority of them do not.  Hell, you have submissives and dominants and switches on here who've hooked up with people who share interests in very intimate areas of the human experience and yet, they cannot make it work.  Despite the poets, love is not always enough.  And this comes from an eternal optimist...but a realistic one.

Expecting to find complete commonality (not complementary) is damn near impossible and, in my opinion, would probably not work much better, at least for me...if someone is almost a clone of you, how exciting is what you share likely to be?  Still, I think it would have a better chance of succeeding than a relationship in which very important aspects of beliefs and enjoyments and needs and wants and satisfactions are derived from entirely different sources in almost every single instance.




LaTigresse -> RE: Vanilla/Kink mixed relationships. (8/25/2010 7:51:00 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Nehemiah

Has anyone ever had a relationship where one partner was kinky and the other vanilla.
Yes.

Is it possible to make a relationship like that work? Yes.

I know of couples where the woman is in the sex industry and the guy is straight conservative vanilla. He'd prefer that she not do what she does, but he knows she loves it and he won't stop her. The woman is considering giving up a career that pays well and that she loves doing. But even if she gives up that type of work, her private life is also kinky and he just isn't into that.

I know of other couples in similar situations. One may be poly and kinky, while the other is monogamous and vanilla. I don't dig into their personal lives but wonder how they can get it to work.

Is anyone here in a similar situation? Yes.

If so, could you explain the dynamics of it. I'd like to understand.


Generic Dude, as I so lovingly refer to him, and I have been putting up with one another for over 20 years now. First and foremost we are one another's best friends. We began as friends. We have an odd relationship that likely would work for very few. Much of those 20 years have been spent apart. Madame Military trumped me every time.

Basically, no matter WHAT has come up, and given the nature of me and my stuff....there has been some freaky shit for him to handle...... we have been able to discuss, yell, scream, door slam, whatever it took, our way to making it work. We made a commitment to one another.

I think for us, the number one factor in making it work is communication. In addition, accepting one another as we are, realistically. Allowing one another to evolve and grow, even encouraging it. Accepting that neither of us is responsible for the other's happiness, or lack there of. Treating one another with respect is HUGE. Which leads into behaving in a manner that does not kill that respect.

Granted, it might have been different if I was at all interested in men.....who knows, because that was never an issue. Even so, the fact that I prefer women sexually was a big big bump in the road....understatement there. Lots of yelling, stomping, door slamming, yelling.......etc etc etc[:D].

Certainly there were times when one or both of us was actively considering or even making initial moves to end it. But in the end, we realized that, regardless of changes, we really care about one another and neither can imagine not having the other person in our life. We are family, best friends, partners in this crazy thing called life. We've got one another's back.......if not the fronts[;)].

All the lurid details.....well I am just going to keep those private and say, we've figured out ways to make it all work for us. I am poly and he hasn't any interest in being involved with any woman I might be involved with which is a good thing because I am not inclined to share.

All of the above certainly limits the women that will be interested in, or those that would be comfortable being involved with me. I am okay with that. For the right woman, it is a wonderful situation. For the wrong woman, it would be miserable for all involved.



afkarr -> RE: Vanilla/Kink mixed relationships. (8/25/2010 11:06:30 AM)

I just sneak around with other sneaky kinky married people. It makes life a whole lot easier.



LaTigresse -> RE: Vanilla/Kink mixed relationships. (8/25/2010 11:44:33 AM)

I won't sneak and I won't share. If I own someone, I own them........and I will NOT have a woman that's screwing some guy.



LadyHibiscus -> RE: Vanilla/Kink mixed relationships. (8/25/2010 11:49:29 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: LaTigresse

I won't sneak and I won't share. If I own someone, I own them........and I will NOT have a woman that's screwing some guy.



You are a dream date, LaT. In my next life, when I am a six foot tall redheaded lesbian, we will take over the world!



ResidentSadist -> RE: Vanilla/Kink mixed relationships. (8/25/2010 12:02:04 PM)

Kink vanilla mix . . .  like the choco-vanilla swirl cones served at the softserve ice cream stands, it worked for quite a while (6 years).  However, by other definitions, it may have been a kink / kink mix as both girls were bisexual in the triad, although only one was a masochist. 



LaTigresse -> RE: Vanilla/Kink mixed relationships. (8/25/2010 12:03:50 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyHibiscus


quote:

ORIGINAL: LaTigresse

I won't sneak and I won't share. If I own someone, I own them........and I will NOT have a woman that's screwing some guy.



You are a dream date, LaT. In my next life, when I am a six foot tall redheaded lesbian, we will take over the world!


YAYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!



oceanside -> RE: Vanilla/Kink mixed relationships. (8/25/2010 12:27:38 PM)

I've dated kinky and non kinky, and I will never date vanilla again. I refuse to hide who and what I am anymore, and to be honest, it's bloody exhausting to try.

I suggested  a few very non kinky  things to the last vanilla man I dated, and I will never forget the look of disgust on his face...nor his answer. That wanting to nibble/give gentle love bites, using fuzzy handcuffs, or even just flavoured lube, was disgusting and utterly deviant. In his mind, anything but straight missionary was a sin. I borke it off a day later.



daddysliloneds -> RE: Vanilla/Kink mixed relationships. (8/25/2010 1:37:42 PM)



i have been married to a kinky person, i have lived with notsokinky people; both relationships were fine...

i've also known 'vanilla's' that have more of a power-exchange relationship than many master/slave couples that i know, yet they aren't kinky, go figure!

so yeah, it works.



switchingcrone -> RE: Vanilla/Kink mixed relationships. (8/25/2010 4:30:07 PM)

I struggle every day with my deep desires for kink and my husband deep fear of it. It does NOTHING for him and Alot for me. We are still trying to make it work but I am beginning to fear the worst.



Twoshoes -> RE: Vanilla/Kink mixed relationships. (8/25/2010 4:52:26 PM)

An even better question is: how do 2 dominants end up together?



phoenixmoonn13 -> RE: Vanilla/Kink mixed relationships. (8/25/2010 4:57:41 PM)

i was in a vanillar marrage for 25 years and never trusetd him to even sugest tying up he was not into kink at all and would turn the tv of even if there was a hint of it and i couldnt say oh you i was wathcing that. (he was also emotionally abusive but thats anohter issue) in the marvelous thing called hindsight i realise i was trying to submit to him but he had no idea and it jsut didnt work sex was lousy i had to pleasuer myself as best i could to get some of the feeling i craved



sweetsub1957 -> RE: Vanilla/Kink mixed relationships. (8/25/2010 7:58:28 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyHibiscus


quote:

ORIGINAL: LaTigresse

I won't sneak and I won't share. If I own someone, I own them........and I will NOT have a woman that's screwing some guy.


You are a dream date, LaT. In my next life, when I am a six foot tall redheaded lesbian, we will take over the world!

What about a six foot tall, redheaded bisexual? Ummm, no, that wouldn't work...the man thing. lol

~sweetsub~



sweetsub1957 -> RE: Vanilla/Kink mixed relationships. (8/25/2010 8:01:57 PM)

~FR~
Seriously, I was married twice to 'nillas and, looking back on it, even though I didn't know I was kinky I was trying to submit, but it didn't work. They didn't understand and neither did I. I loved them at the time, but the sex was boooooooring and lacking some undefinable something. I would never go there again, esp. since I understand my submissiveness now.

~sweetsub~



LPslittleclip -> RE: Vanilla/Kink mixed relationships. (8/25/2010 8:38:57 PM)

i have been married for more than 20 years now and found my kinky part about 5 years ago. my wife has allowed me to be collared by my mistress nearly 3 years now. my wife is not kinky in the least but just last week attended with me to a munch and play party to see what happens. she is ok with my being collared and actually has enjoyed my being better behaved from it. she has even said at times that i need to go and get a beating to mellow me out. so yes a mixed vanilla/kink marriage can work for U/us it has been a very wonderful experience and beneficial experience. i hope the best for you and yours.



Toppingfrmbottom -> RE: Vanilla/Kink mixed relationships. (8/25/2010 8:46:34 PM)

Yes. I have my bf was vanilla to the core, and We worked  out that I was allowed to have a dominant, but there was to be no sex involved, and IT can work with the right people, but I usually ran into people who agreed to the no sex rule, than tried to slink their way around it.
quote:

ORIGINAL: Nehemiah

Has anyone ever had a relationship where one partner was kinky and the other vanilla. Is it possible to make a relationship like that work?

I know of couples where the woman is in the sex industry and the guy is straight conservative vanilla. He'd prefer that she not do what she does, but he knows she loves it and he won't stop her. The woman is considering giving up a career that pays well and that she loves doing. But even if she gives up that type of work, her private life is also kinky and he just isn't into that.

I know of other couples in similar situations. One may be poly and kinky, while the other is monogamous and vanilla. I don't dig into their personal lives but wonder how they can get it to work.

Is anyone here in a similar situation? If so, could you explain the dynamics of it. I'd like to understand.



jujubeeMB -> RE: Vanilla/Kink mixed relationships. (8/26/2010 5:26:25 AM)

I will NEVER date someone who is purely vanilla ever again. First of all, it's kind of enormously humiliating (and not in the sexy way) to explain to someone who doesn't get it that you would like to be taken down and used like a sex toy, while they're staring at you with wide, "but you're a feminist" eyes. I don't get turned on unless there's a Dom present, and who wants to have dry, uncomfortable sex? Also, vanilla guys tend to say things like "what would you like me to do?" and "let's concentrate on you for awhile."

Such a turn off [;)]



MsBlackMamba -> RE: Vanilla/Kink mixed relationships. (8/26/2010 5:49:25 AM)

Relationship with a vanilla fella???? Ohhhhh....I shudder at the idea now. Most of my past relationships have been on the vanilla side and I found myself explaining way too much. I wasn't happy. I almost felt like I had to "justify" why I NEEDED to have kink in my life. It was like dating a non-breathing creature and being forced to constantly explain why I needed air. VERY frustrating. I needed my OUTLET. BDSM energy is so awesome to share with someone that you truly care about. A poster above stated that "love isn't enough" and I found that so true. Now, love and kink....that's about right! I refuse to date anyone that's not into this wonderful world and the things I do.



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