RE: Vanilla/Kink mixed relationships.

Collarspace Discussion Forums

Home Login Search

RE: Vanilla/Kink mixed relationships.

View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion >> RE: Vanilla/Kink mixed relationships.

Page: << < prev 1 [2]

Message

<< Older Topic Newer Topic >>

RE: Vanilla/Kink mixed relationships. - 8/26/2010 5:58:06 AM

mstrjx

Posts: 2045
Joined: 11/27/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: jujubeeMB

Also, vanilla guys tend to say things like "what would you like me to do?" and "let's concentrate on you for awhile."

You mean vanilla guys never say 'Roll over, bitch, we're doing this 'til you scream'?

Jeff

_____________________________

Know thyself. It's the best gift you can ever give yourself.

(in reply to jujubeeMB)

Profile

Post #: 21

RE: Vanilla/Kink mixed relationships. - 8/26/2010 6:59:02 AM

Twoshoes

Posts: 1218
Joined: 7/27/2010
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: mstrjx

quote:

ORIGINAL: jujubeeMB

Also, vanilla guys tend to say things like "what would you like me to do?" and "let's concentrate on you for awhile."

You mean vanilla guys never say 'Roll over, bitch, we're doing this 'til you scream'?

Jeff

Oh, they do, but they don't know when to say it, Jeff.

I keep repeating myself, but: "stark contrast enhances dramatic impact".

So, I see no reason why you couldn't say all those things.

Plus, who isn't a feminist these days?

< Message edited by Twoshoes -- 8/26/2010 7:30:32 AM >

(in reply to mstrjx)

Profile

Post #: 22

RE: Vanilla/Kink mixed relationships. - 8/26/2010 9:14:49 AM

LadyPact

Posts: 32566
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Twoshoes

An even better question is: how do 2 dominants end up together?

It happens more often than you think.

The funny thing about it is, so many folks say opposites attract, especially from the kinky way of looking at it. Dominant personalities here are specifically looking for those who are submissive and that works in reverse. Yet, when we talk about non kinky folks, we see people who are attracted to each other because of similar personalities. The latter is how it works when you run across those of us who are D/D couples.

We've been just about every variation of a couple that doesn't include a submissive. We've been non kinky together. Just one of us interested in kink (Me) while the other was not (him). Now, we're most accurately described as a Domme/Top combination. The majority of the time, I think he acquired a taste for topping because he wanted to feel more a part of the kink scene than the vanilla guy who was tagging along with his wife. It's fun for him, but knowing him as I do, I can see the difference. While I would absolutely say that he has a Dominant personality, he doesn't necessarily have the drive to want to pursue a dynamic with a submissive. There are elements that just aren't there and that's a major difference between us.

Otherwise, we're like other couples who generally don't share their kink with each other. Instead of having a different recreational activity such as bowling or fishing, it's topping. For us, it just works out that he wants to go along on the fishing trip and cast a few lines and I'm the one who is having a dream vacation and the time of My life.

_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to Twoshoes)

Profile

Post #: 23

RE: Vanilla/Kink mixed relationships. - 8/26/2010 9:27:44 AM

LadyHibiscus

Posts: 27124
Joined: 8/15/2005
From: Island Of Misfit Toys
Status: offline

I am beginning to think that I have never been with a vanilla guy. Not that I am complaining.

Dominants are my dream dates. I am attracted to my own kind. They are EASIER. "Submissive" men are extraordinarily high maintenance. (quotations for inclusion purposes, not cynicism!) Yes, it helps to be poly.

_____________________________

[page 23 girl]

(in reply to LadyPact)

Profile

Post #: 24

RE: Vanilla/Kink mixed relationships. - 8/26/2010 9:28:30 AM

Whenready

Posts: 319
Joined: 3/5/2009
Status: offline

She likes marmite. I like mushy peas. No divorce over food yet...

Seriously however - who has the 100% perfect partner?

You find the right person, and you compromise, negotiate, do whatever it takes to make it work for you. You communicate - and sometimes shock horror you can even disagree.

(in reply to LadyPact)

Profile

Post #: 25

RE: Vanilla/Kink mixed relationships. - 8/26/2010 9:30:57 AM

SorceressJ

Posts: 2968
Joined: 7/24/2010
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact

quote:

ORIGINAL: Twoshoes

An even better question is: how do 2 dominants end up together?

It happens more often than you think.

The funny thing about it is, so many folks say opposites attract, especially from the kinky way of looking at it. Dominant personalities here are specifically looking for those who are submissive and that works in reverse. Yet, when we talk about non kinky folks, we see people who are attracted to each other because of similar personalities. The latter is how it works when you run across those of us who are D/D couples.

We've been just about every variation of a couple that doesn't include a submissive. We've been non kinky together. Just one of us interested in kink (Me) while the other was not (him). Now, we're most accurately described as a Domme/Top combination. The majority of the time, I think he acquired a taste for topping because he wanted to feel more a part of the kink scene than the vanilla guy who was tagging along with his wife. It's fun for him, but knowing him as I do, I can see the difference. While I would absolutely say that he has a Dominant personality, he doesn't necessarily have the drive to want to pursue a dynamic with a submissive. There are elements that just aren't there and that's a major difference between us.

Otherwise, we're like other couples who generally don't share their kink with each other. Instead of having a different recreational activity such as bowling or fishing, it's topping. For us, it just works out that he wants to go along on the fishing trip and cast a few lines and I'm the one who is having a dream vacation and the time of My life.

Like LP, I totally understand and can extemporize on this, which is no phenomena but just another flavor of human nature, and if one is lucky enough to have found one's true Soulmate as I have, it can be an amazing thing.
My own example: I am very happily partnered with and married to My Dominant soulmate. We found each other later in life (when We were almost 40) but hey, better late than never of course. Now, this also fits in perfectly with the subject matter of this thread as My Husband seems t be a lot like LP's, while having a strong, confidant Dominant personality and being a leader who handles people and situations uncommonly well, is not so much into "all this stuff" as I am. What makes this work for us, among other reasons, is that He's poly and shares Me well, with a free heart, of His own volition and not because I expect Him to (it's actually His idea. I'd be just as happy with Him if I never got to touch another living soul nor yet swing Me a paddle. I am that satisfied with Him as My penultimate lover and lifepartner. He simply wants Me to be all I can be and plus, it turns Him on to share Me; all He might want to do is watch sometimes, or jump in on the other end of Me during regular sex and make a sammich. Thus, everyone gets what they want, in big, interesting truckloads. Nice eh?)..

_____________________________

‎Sic gorgiamus allos subjectatos nunc. <93>)O(

(in reply to LadyPact)

Profile

Post #: 26

RE: Vanilla/Kink mixed relationships. - 8/26/2010 9:40:42 AM

MissKittynSean

Posts: 35
Joined: 10/4/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Twoshoes

An even better question is: how do 2 dominants end up together?

I think that for many dominant couples like us, together we have a fairly vanilla relationship. Of course we both think we are the boss, and every now and every now and then we get caught up in a childish game of "run around the house trying to spank each while laughing our asses off, loser is the one that pusses out and says ok that was too hard". That's not to say our privet time together isn't exciting and kink-laced, but it's not D/s or BDSM between us in the bedroom.

We met as vanillas but were both open and honest by the third date that this was part of our lives. We were so happy when we both said we loved BDSM! Not so much when we both figured out we had the same orientation as dominant sadists lol and neither of us switch. Thank all the holy (and unholy) biscuits in the world that we are both poly or I don't know if we would have been able to withstand the withdrawals for these past 8 years.

(in reply to Twoshoes)

Profile

Post #: 27

RE: Vanilla/Kink mixed relationships. - 8/26/2010 11:31:32 AM

LaTigresse

Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Whenready

She likes marmite. I like mushy peas. No divorce over food yet...

Seriously however - who has the 100% perfect partner?

You find the right person, and you compromise, negotiate, do whatever it takes to make it work for you. You communicate - and sometimes shock horror you can even disagree.

This, in spades.

_____________________________

My twisted, self deprecating, sense of humour, finds alot to laugh about, in your lack of one!

Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

(in reply to Whenready)

Profile

Post #: 28

RE: Vanilla/Kink mixed relationships. - 8/26/2010 12:08:12 PM

Shadow-tiger

Posts: 1775
Joined: 6/8/2008
From: California
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LaTigresse

quote:

ORIGINAL: Whenready

She likes marmite. I like mushy peas. No divorce over food yet...

Seriously however - who has the 100% perfect partner?

You find the right person, and you compromise, negotiate, do whatever it takes to make it work for you. You communicate - and sometimes shock horror you can even disagree.

This, in spades.

The thing with this is that it doesn't always work out. Now and then you can compromise the wrong things. While it may work for a while, eventually basic elements of the relationship break down to to not getting needs fulfilled, communication problems, and so much more.

Having come from a vanilla relationship that got a little kinky, then blew up because of that (among other things) I'll have to take the thanks but no thanks attitude. While I may be able to get by with letting a lot of things pass, my kink isn't one of them. Really, I gotta say contrary to the song, love isn't all you need.

_____________________________

Just some guy (profile)
Just a tiny bit evil
My kind of love song

(in reply to LaTigresse)

Profile

Post #: 29

RE: Vanilla/Kink mixed relationships. - 8/26/2010 12:41:04 PM

phoenixmoonn13

Posts: 398
Joined: 6/11/2010
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: sweetsub1957

~FR~
Seriously, I was married twice to 'nillas and, looking back on it, even though I didn't know I was kinky I was trying to submit, but it didn't work. They didn't understand and neither did I. I loved them at the time, but the sex was boooooooring and lacking some undefinable something. I would never go there again, esp. since I understand my submissiveness now.

~sweetsub~

it was the same for me and a long itme ago was talking about my ex and the marrage the first thing he said to me about it was well you were trying to submit to him and he had no clue and nor did i realise what i was doing

(in reply to sweetsub1957)

Profile

Post #: 30

RE: Vanilla/Kink mixed relationships. - 8/26/2010 1:13:23 PM

Whenready

Posts: 319
Joined: 3/5/2009
Status: offline

The thing with this is that it doesn't always work out. Now and then you can compromise the wrong things. While it may work for a while, eventually basic elements of the relationship break down to to not getting needs fulfilled, communication problems, and so much more. (Shadow-tiger)

Of course it doesn't always work out. And it's sad if you reach that point. But nobody ever said there was a right to the perfect relationship. She ain't perfect - I'm certainly not. But if you don't try there's no chance.

(in reply to phoenixmoonn13)

Profile

Post #: 31

RE: Vanilla/Kink mixed relationships. - 8/26/2010 1:24:25 PM

LaTigresse

Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: offline

If it doesn't work out.......the kink, or lack thereof, is an easy excuse but guaranteed.........there are other major issues at play also.

_____________________________

My twisted, self deprecating, sense of humour, finds alot to laugh about, in your lack of one!

Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

(in reply to Whenready)

Profile

Post #: 32

RE: Vanilla/Kink mixed relationships. - 8/26/2010 1:33:29 PM

sexyred1

Posts: 8998
Joined: 8/9/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: mstrjx

quote:

ORIGINAL: jujubeeMB

Also, vanilla guys tend to say things like "what would you like me to do?" and "let's concentrate on you for awhile."

You mean vanilla guys never say 'Roll over, bitch, we're doing this 'til you scream'?

Jeff

No, and that is why they are usually boring in the sack. If they said what you just said, we would have more hot guys to choose from.

(in reply to mstrjx)

Profile

Post #: 33

RE: Vanilla/Kink mixed relationships. - 8/26/2010 2:32:50 PM

mstrjx

Posts: 2045
Joined: 11/27/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: sexyred1

No, and that is why they are usually boring in the sack. If they said what you just said, we would have more hot guys to choose from.

<----- haz mad language skillz

Jeff

_____________________________

Know thyself. It's the best gift you can ever give yourself.

(in reply to sexyred1)

Profile

Post #: 34

RE: Vanilla/Kink mixed relationships. - 8/30/2010 6:32:35 PM

UniqueBBWsub

Posts: 5
Joined: 8/12/2010
Status: offline

It is a disaster, very frustrating, lonely, annoying, upsetting, unsatisfying, and like living a lie everyday. Been there, done that and will NEVER do it again, full stop, end of story! It doesnt take long before the intimacy fails between you. Its just a shame that so many continue to live like this and seek their kink on the side as some way of making it seem okay when its not. Who the hell wants to have a husband who lies about their real needs and cheats to have them met? And who would really want to be the sub giving their all to a man who can NEVER give them what they deserve and need? I wish people would just be true to themselves and stop messing up others lives because they can't admit who they are deep down. Its not something that ever goes away if its within you.

(in reply to MsBlackMamba)

Profile

Post #: 35

It can work - but is takes work - 8/30/2010 8:37:12 PM

bdspirit

Posts: 30
Joined: 7/27/2009
From: Atlanta, GA
Status: offline

I'm 15 years into a healthy and happy marriage to a relatively vanilla but understanding lady. I on the other hand truly enjoy bondage, kink and power exchange and frankly need it to remain mentally engaged and sexually stimulated. We've found a way to make it work through allot of trial and error - came very close to loosing it once or twice but we made it through. I think if I had to do it over again, I would prefer to have found someone (dominant female) who simply gets it and enjoys kink as much as I do. I know my wife would love to have a man satisfied with a roll in the hay but we both love each other deeply and feel very fortunate to have found one another and built a life together that we believe to be extraordinary. I can play "Ms Potato-head" all I want but if given the chance, I wouldn't trade what we have so YES IT CAN WORK. I see allot of people on the forums giving up and I definitely empathize at times but I also know it can fly.

The work and compromise is there - no doubt. For me, I will always wish she spent more time, energy and focus on kink. We kind of developed a on/off cycle (roughly 3 months each) that allows us to both experience and get what we need while the other works outside their comfort zone. Like one poster said - shit load of work but I've lived enough to know that very few relationships of substance (parents, kids, friends, lovers, wives) are without a shit load of work. For me, I couldn't think of a better place to invest the time. Bound

(in reply to MsBlackMamba)

Profile

Post #: 36

RE: Vanilla/Kink mixed relationships. - 9/1/2010 6:56:11 AM

DommeKeliDallas

Posts: 311
Joined: 1/27/2008
Status: offline

In a word...No.

(in reply to MsBlackMamba)

Profile

Post #: 37

RE: Vanilla/Kink mixed relationships. - 9/1/2010 7:23:15 AM

Zentoid

Posts: 8
Joined: 8/24/2010
Status: offline

I find it amazing how hard society has faught to twist the poor balls of a man to so that he starts shedding tears at the beauty and 'gift' that is his woman - (apply directly to any other gender roles) just to find a judgement passed that they are NOT good enough.

Now how many of you, before you were comfortable with yourself, had the "I am a gift" mentality?

If there is one thing my slut had taught me, it is that there is D/s to be found in pretty much ANY relationship. Be it with Parents to child, Co-workers amongst each other or general pissing on tree contests.

Non BDSM folk are kinky too, but unlike us, they have just not given themselves permission to accept that.

Imagine the 50's houshold. How many of us hold that up as the poster child of the lifestyle to incorporate into a world that 'won't understand'? Yet THEY sure as hell did not think themselves kinky - and here we are striving to have that way of life?

How many of you in your 'non BDSM' days, cooked JUST the way your partner liked it, Dressed JUST the way your partner liked it, cleaned JUST the way your partner liked it? Tried to avoid confrontation by being 'good'. Now what do you call that then?

D/s and M/s goes beyond the spankings, chaining etc. Once you get off your little pony, and you look around you, you realise that barring the dramatics of sex, D/s is a natural institution in any relationship. One lead, one follow - and those who believe in equal rights, are never really equal on all levels.

These are of course my thoughts. I am no genius, so what do I know anyway.

(in reply to MsBlackMamba)

Profile

Post #: 38

RE: Vanilla/Kink mixed relationships. - 9/2/2010 9:15:58 AM

LadyDoriBelle

Posts: 12
Joined: 9/1/2010
Status: offline

I have given up on dating vanilla. If they aren't my type, they just aren't my type. Unfortunatly, that weeds out a lot of potential partners, but it keeps the ones who are good for me available.

(in reply to Zentoid)

Profile

Post #: 39