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Are some masters less kinky than others (or hold back)? - 8/28/2010 8:52:26 PM   
Erratum


Posts: 6
Joined: 8/28/2010
Status: offline 		I am new here, and a sub who is into pet play.  I really would love to find a master some day, but some of what I see is too intimidating or scary to me. 

So I was wondering if there are masters out there who do not necessarily enjoy causing pain, but moreso enjoy the applying restraint and having command aspect of play?  Do masters ever restrain themselves from doing certain things that their pets might consider a "deal breaker" and does the arrangement eventually suffer from it?  Are there masters out there who tackle it with a more psychological approach where they try to earn the pet's trust by rewarding them, rather than using threats/intimidation to get what they want?

Sorry for the newbie questions, but thank you in advance for any input.
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RE: Are some masters less kinky than others (or hold ba... - 8/28/2010 9:02:54 PM   
SylvereApLeanan


Posts: 8275
Joined: 11/1/2007
From: Hell
Status: offline 		The short answer is "yes"; if you can imagine it, chances are good there's someone doing exactly what you're thinking/fantasizing about right this minute and enjoying the heck out of it.

Now, whether or not there is someone in your location, preferred age range, who is available and looking, physically attractive/attracted to you, is otherwise compatible with you, and on this site is another story. No one can guarantee any of these things. However, if you are patient, open to possibilities, and willing to put in the work of finding someone, then you can definitely meet the person you want.

I met both my girlfriend and my current (male) play partner here and I'm not the only success story. However, it takes time, so don't get frustrated if the master of your dreams doesn't find you in the first couple of months. Or even the first year.

_____________________________

Sylverë
Dark Muse
30 Fluffy Points
Grumpy Cat is my spirit animal.
Shadow Governess & Mean Girl
"There's something that doesn't make sense. Let's go and poke it with a stick."— The Doctor

(in reply to Erratum)
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RE: Are some masters less kinky than others (or hold ba... - 8/28/2010 9:09:37 PM   
mstrjx


Posts: 2045
Joined: 11/27/2005
Status: offline 		I've been around this sub-world for an awfully long time, and have experimented with a lot of different things. Not everything, mind you, and there are still things that I've considered more lately that I haven't done much with (particularly objectification, of which pet play would be considered a part).

I tend to look at potential mates, be they romantic or not, in terms of themselves first. If there seems to be a good match there, I consider her wants and needs relative to mine. If those needs (of hers) make me stray from my goals, I might still be willing to further or enter the relationship. Does that make me a service-toppy sorta guy, or does that just make me more versatile? I think compatibility is multi-faceted, of which specific kinks are just one area. My kinks are rather all over the map, and I think to justify any relationship of whatever type I can probably only focus on one subset or another in order to pair at all.

Just me.

Jeff

_____________________________

Know thyself. It's the best gift you can ever give yourself.

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RE: Are some masters less kinky than others (or hold ba... - 8/28/2010 10:49:29 PM   
DarkSteven


Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline 		What exactly do you want?  I get the impression that you are new and want to try some things.  You might be able to find a play partner for a specific scene.  But if I'm going to be a Dom in a LTR, I will want to do the things that I want to do.

_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

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RE: Are some masters less kinky than others (or hold ba... - 8/29/2010 5:09:22 AM   
pwnerandpwned


Posts: 83
Joined: 4/13/2010
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Erratum

I am new here, and a sub who is into pet play.  I really would love to find a master some day, but some of what I see is too intimidating or scary to me. 

So I was wondering if there are masters out there who do not necessarily enjoy causing pain, but moreso enjoy the applying restraint and having command aspect of play?  Do masters ever restrain themselves from doing certain things that their pets might consider a "deal breaker" and does the arrangement eventually suffer from it?  Are there masters out there who tackle it with a more psychological approach where they try to earn the pet's trust by rewarding them, rather than using threats/intimidation to get what they want?

Sorry for the newbie questions, but thank you in advance for any input.


So the answers to all questions will be "yes, any of these can exist", but I'll give a bit more to each individual question. :)

So I was wondering if there are masters out there who do not necessarily enjoy causing pain, but moreso enjoy the applying restraint and having command aspect of play?
I think I know what you mean here (although maybe it could have been worded a bit more clearly). Definitely a yes...I would say while porn and other fantasy show Masters as being whippers, spankers, cage lockers, punishers, that's not really anywhere close to all of them. Sure...there are some masochists, or some who try to be this way because they think they should, but there are a plethora of Masters/dominants who are not very interested (or interested at all) in causing physical or mental pain.

Do masters ever restrain themselves from doing certain things that their pets might consider a "deal breaker" and does the arrangement eventually suffer from it?
Definitely possible. D/s relationships can have compromises too (you may find some who refuse to compromise anything, but ermm...we're people...no one is 100% ideal, so most reasonable people compromise to some extent). It really depends on what they're doing to adapt to you whether or not it will cause any trials in the relationship, though. A wise dominant will have a much better chance at knowing what adaptations they can make without any part of the relationship suffering.

Are there masters out there who tackle it with a more psychological approach where they try to earn the pet's trust by rewarding them, rather than using threats/intimidation to get what they want?
I think there are several like this...I'm not sure if it's a majority or minority, though. I have definitely seen some, though, and I myself am much like this. My goal was never to force submission, but rather to treat her in such a way (through guidance, patience, and love) that would make her desire that control and happily ask me to take it.

< Message edited by pwnerandpwned -- 8/29/2010 5:12:59 AM >

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RE: Are some masters less kinky than others (or hold ba... - 8/29/2010 6:30:31 AM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		Not every guy wants to nail your tits to a board.

There are those who want only d/s without s & m. Those who are into bondage without s & m. Those into d/s and bondage. Into d/s, bondage and s & m. And those solely interested in s & m, no bondage or d/s.

Figure out what it is you want and don't waste your time on those who aren't compatible.


_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!


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RE: Are some masters less kinky than others (or hold ba... - 8/29/2010 6:36:29 AM   
BKSir


Posts: 4037
Joined: 4/8/2008
From: Salt Lake City, UT
Status: offline 		Well, what you are asking about sounds pretty close to exactly like me, aside from the middle paragraph.  I don't hold back on anything I wish to do.  Just most "pain play" is something I'm not interested in.

So, in short, yes, there are those kinds of D-types out there.  You'll find one sooner or later that suits your needs.  Give it time.  It's no different than finding any other type of relationship.  You'll either clique or not.


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(in reply to DesFIP)
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RE: Are some masters less kinky than others (or hold ba... - 8/29/2010 7:02:57 AM   
daddysliloneds


Posts: 1351
Joined: 6/28/2006
Status: offline 		i don't think the question was for the masses, as much as an appeal to any master who fits her needs, in case they happen to be reading; it's a common approach by women to get what they want without having to look so hard for it all the time; if it was a sincere, albeit extremely naive and young sounding question, then my apologies.

(in reply to Erratum)
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RE: Are some masters less kinky than others (or hold ba... - 8/29/2010 9:51:32 AM   
leadership527


Posts: 5026
Joined: 6/2/2008
Status: offline 		I'm not a sadist. I'm not very kinky. I just boss my wife around. I have never threatened my wife into being my slave. I do not "restrain" myself from things that Carol wouldn't like. I do, however, love Carol so it's highly unlikely that I'm going to like/want/enjoy something that was awful for her.

_____________________________

~Jeff

I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
I want a joyous, loving, respectful relationship where the male is in charge and deserves to be. - DavanKael

(in reply to Erratum)
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RE: Are some masters less kinky than others (or hold ba... - 8/29/2010 10:09:27 AM   
Erratum


Posts: 6
Joined: 8/28/2010
Status: offline 		Thanks for the input everyone.  I posted because it was my worry that masters might not be up front about what they want, in the thoughts that they would eventually be able to make me change my mind.  I do have certain boundaries, as watersports and scat disgust me, and "real" pain scares me.  I like little pains, such as spanking or ropes tied tight, etc... but if I'm going to end up crying, or with permanent marks, it's too much.  The other reason for posting is curiosity about if these "less severe" masters are out there.

Personally I am looking for someone who would treat me as a pet.  They are always the master, and in control, and expect certain things of me... but they are going to treat me well and consider my feelings/needs/wants as well because it pleases them to be benevolent from time to time.  I like a mental approach, similar to Stockholm syndrome, though on a less severe level than having my life threatened.  I want someone who can provide me little day to day joys such as telling me what to wear or what I should make them for dinner.  Who is turned on by a girl with a fox tail buttplug and ears.  Who might not let me feed myself with my hands and instead would feed me.  Who wouldn't mind wrestling me down on the occasions that I decide to be a little defiant and then take or give what they want.  Who would appreciate having meals prepared for them, laundry done, dishes clean, etc and tell me I'm a good girl for doing my chores.  Yet in public we could go out and have a good time, appearing as equals and having new experiences and seeing the world... and bond even closer through these shared experiences as well as the ones behind closed doors.

I was worried that I was looking for something too specific, or that based on what I'm looking for I'm not "giving in" enough to deserve a master.  I'm very honest and know what I can and cannot take though, so I just wanted to see if there were different levels of selfishness, for lack of a better word.

I hope I haven't offended anyone!  Just trying to see what's out here and if my expectations are realistic!

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RE: Are some masters less kinky than others (or hold ba... - 8/29/2010 11:00:38 AM   
DarkSteven


Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Erratum

Thanks for the input everyone.  I posted because it was my worry that masters might not be up front about what they want, in the thoughts that they would eventually be able to make me change my mind. 


Anyone who would do that would not be considered a Master by anyone but themself.  If that were to happen, just walk.  ADDED clarification: If he was to introduce something consensually and work with you on it, that's one thing.  But arguing and trying to make you give in - walk.
quote:



I do have certain boundaries, as watersports and scat disgust me, and "real" pain scares me.  I like little pains, such as spanking or ropes tied tight, etc... but if I'm going to end up crying, or with permanent marks, it's too much. 
  Summary: you have limits, the same as everyone else.
quote:



The other reason for posting is curiosity about if these "less severe" masters are out there.

  Believe me, all SORTS of folks are out there.  Some of them are way out there!
quote:



Personally I am looking for someone who would treat me as a pet.  They are always the master, and in control, and expect certain things of me... but they are going to treat me well and consider my feelings/needs/wants as well because it pleases them to be benevolent from time to time.  I like a mental approach, similar to Stockholm syndrome, though on a less severe level than having my life threatened.  I want someone who can provide me little day to day joys such as telling me what to wear or what I should make them for dinner.  Who is turned on by a girl with a fox tail buttplug and ears.  Who might not let me feed myself with my hands and instead would feed me.  Who wouldn't mind wrestling me down on the occasions that I decide to be a little defiant and then take or give what they want.  Who would appreciate having meals prepared for them, laundry done, dishes clean, etc and tell me I'm a good girl for doing my chores.  Yet in public we could go out and have a good time, appearing as equals and having new experiences and seeing the world... and bond even closer through these shared experiences as well as the ones behind closed doors.


Damn, I'd love a sub like that. 
quote:



I was worried that I was looking for something too specific, or that based on what I'm looking for I'm not "giving in" enough to deserve a master.  I'm very honest and know what I can and cannot take though, so I just wanted to see if there were different levels of selfishness, for lack of a better word.

I hope I haven't offended anyone!  Just trying to see what's out here and if my expectations are realistic!



You know what you want - now you just have to find someone honest that wants some of those things and is willing to grant you the rest in return for you granting him a few things as well.  What those things are will vary, but as for me, I'd sure love to have a sub doing my housework.

< Message edited by DarkSteven -- 8/29/2010 11:02:07 AM >

_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to Erratum)
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RE: Are some masters less kinky than others (or hold ba... - 8/29/2010 11:39:56 AM   
peacefulplace


Posts: 157
Joined: 8/22/2010
Status: offline

quote:

Not every guy wants to nail your tits to a board.


LOL! That sums it up nicely.

Not only can you find a partner who isn't obsessed with beating you black and blue, I've actually met more Doms and Masters who prefer to use pain only to heighten sensation, and Sir absolutely refuses to leave any marks on me. Physical marks, that is...

_____________________________

If voting changed anything, they'd make it illegal.
~~Emma Goldman

One thing is clear to me: We, as human beings, must be willing to accept people who are different from ourselves.
~~Barbara Jordan

(in reply to DesFIP)
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RE: Are some masters less kinky than others (or hold ba... - 8/29/2010 12:23:47 PM   
Zevar


Posts: 801
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Erratum

I am new here, and a sub who is into pet play.  I really would love to find a master some day, but some of what I see is too intimidating or scary to me. 

So I was wondering if there are masters out there who do not necessarily enjoy causing pain, but moreso enjoy the applying restraint and having command aspect of play?  Do masters ever restrain themselves from doing certain things that their pets might consider a "deal breaker" and does the arrangement eventually suffer from it?  Are there masters out there who tackle it with a more psychological approach where they try to earn the pet's trust by rewarding them, rather than using threats/intimidation to get what they want?

Sorry for the newbie questions, but thank you in advance for any input.


How a man expresses his sexuality is defined solely on an individual basis. As with women not all women define their sexuality in the same manner either. So is it with men who express variances of BDSM. Individuality remains intact even if there are similarities between others or not. With everything in Life subjectivity cannot be extracted from individuality else their would be cloned men/master(s) as in Stepford wives. How unappealing that would be, aye!

Take care!

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RE: Are some masters less kinky than others (or hold ba... - 8/29/2010 12:29:10 PM   
SylvereApLeanan


Posts: 8275
Joined: 11/1/2007
From: Hell
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Erratum

Personally I am looking for someone who would treat me as a pet.  They are always the master, and in control, and expect certain things of me... but they are going to treat me well and consider my feelings/needs/wants as well because it pleases them to be benevolent from time to time.  I like a mental approach, similar to Stockholm syndrome, though on a less severe level than having my life threatened.  I want someone who can provide me little day to day joys such as telling me what to wear or what I should make them for dinner.  Who is turned on by a girl with a fox tail buttplug and ears.  Who might not let me feed myself with my hands and instead would feed me.  Who wouldn't mind wrestling me down on the occasions that I decide to be a little defiant and then take or give what they want.  Who would appreciate having meals prepared for them, laundry done, dishes clean, etc and tell me I'm a good girl for doing my chores.  Yet in public we could go out and have a good time, appearing as equals and having new experiences and seeing the world... and bond even closer through these shared experiences as well as the ones behind closed doors.


Well, with the exception of the tail and ears, this describes the relationship I have with my girl almost exactly. I don't tell her what to cook for me since we don't live together, but otherwise, this is very similar to how our relationship looks. Of course, she's also a masochist so I can indulge my sadistic side and she loves it.

However, my male play partner is not into pain at all. He's a rubber fetishist and enjoys sensual dominance so I rarely do anything more than spanking or gentle biting with him. I enjoy each of them for different reasons and I don't feel as though I'm being denied anything when I play with my male partner.

Your desires are certainly attainable. I'm sure there are plenty of dominant men who would enjoy this type of scenario.

Best of luck!

_____________________________

Sylverë
Dark Muse
30 Fluffy Points
Grumpy Cat is my spirit animal.
Shadow Governess & Mean Girl
"There's something that doesn't make sense. Let's go and poke it with a stick."— The Doctor

(in reply to Erratum)
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RE: Are some masters less kinky than others (or hold ba... - 8/29/2010 2:45:59 PM   
StrongSpirit


Posts: 575
Joined: 4/10/2005
Status: offline 		1. I don't hold back.

2. I do take it slow. I don't use my best moves till I think someone is worthy of them.

3. Not everyone likes Pain. I am a DOMINANT man, not a Sadistic one. It is BDSM, not just SM. As such, my best stuff is not caning, cutting, etc (despite the story I wrote and put in my journal - fiction is different from real life). Instead my best stuff includes things like cutting all your clothing off of your body while you are tied up in public. It is having you go out in public with underwear made of paint. It is having you beg to please me, not begging me to stop hurting you.

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RE: Are some masters less kinky than others (or hold ba... - 8/29/2010 6:08:29 PM   
sweetsub1957


Posts: 2201
Joined: 4/28/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Erratum
I am looking for someone who would treat me as a pet.  They are always the master, and in control, and expect certain things of me... but they are going to treat me well and consider my feelings/needs/wants as well because it pleases them to be benevolent from time to time.  I like a mental approach, similar to Stockholm syndrome, though on a less severe level than having my life threatened.  I want someone who can provide me little day to day joys such as telling me what to wear or what I should make them for dinner.  Who is turned on by a girl with a fox tail buttplug and ears.  Who might not let me feed myself with my hands and instead would feed me.  Who wouldn't mind wrestling me down on the occasions that I decide to be a little defiant and then take or give what they want.  Who would appreciate having meals prepared for them, laundry done, dishes clean, etc and tell me I'm a good girl for doing my chores.  Yet in public we could go out and have a good time, appearing as equals and having new experiences and seeing the world... and bond even closer through these shared experiences as well as the ones behind closed doors.

Wow. What you describe sounds a lot like my previous Sir, except He's no longer available......He passed away. It sounds just like what we had, except substitute ponytail plug and pony harness for foxtail and ears. Doms like that ARE out there, believe me.

~sweetsub~

_____________________________

Member: Lance's Fag Hags.

"That's not just a chip on her shoulder, that's the whole potato!" ~Lady Angelika~

In lowering yourself to talking behind my back, you're perfectly positioned to kiss my ass.

An it harm none, do what ye wilt.

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RE: Are some masters less kinky than others (or hold ba... - 8/29/2010 8:52:35 PM   
Nineveh


Posts: 1299
Joined: 2/5/2008
Status: offline 		There have been times that I have held back some parts of my personality from a potential sub, not because I felt I could change her, but because I knew she would not be into it and there's no point in mentioning it and scaring her away when it is not something that I need.  I think that as long as you are clear about what you want and need with those you converse with and make it clear what parts you know you are not willing to change that you don't need to worry much.  Of course there are bad people out there, but that is a whole different topic and there are a lot of ways to keep yourself safe.

(in reply to sweetsub1957)
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RE: Are some masters less kinky than others (or hold ba... - 8/29/2010 11:30:12 PM   
aldompdx


Posts: 538
Joined: 10/24/2004
Status: offline 		Kink is relative. You must determine for yourself with what you resonate.

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RE: Are some masters less kinky than others (or hold ba... - 8/30/2010 5:25:51 AM   
Nineveh


Posts: 1299
Joined: 2/5/2008
Status: offline 		I think that "less kinky" is a completely subjective thing as well. To many doing pet play is more kinky than giving a spanking.  It doesn't sound to me like you need someone less kinky so much as you need someone who's kinks match yours.

(in reply to aldompdx)
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RE: Are some masters less kinky than others (or hold ba... - 8/30/2010 8:46:23 AM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: daddysliloneds

i don't think the question was for the masses, as much as an appeal to any master who fits her needs, in case they happen to be reading; it's a common approach by women to get what they want without having to look so hard for it all the time; if it was a sincere, albeit extremely naive and young sounding question, then my apologies.


I didn't read it as that. The truth is that there's a lot more discussion about s & m than about pure bondage. So it is understandable that she may not know there are rope tops out there who aren't very interested in s & m. Most of the male dom profiles use words like strict, stern, punishment and other such terms that imply heavy pain.

I'm with a dominant male who has very little interest in s & m and lots of interest in rope bondage. He was a rope top only for years because he never knew there were women who wanted to be bossed around outside of the bedroom. At that point I didn't believe there were men really interested in sexual bondage who also wanted to be in control in r/l. Not naive, per se, just had never met any.


_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!


(in reply to daddysliloneds)
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