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RE: Confessions of a bad submissive. - 9/1/2010 10:37:40 PM

GreedyTop

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Elan.. so sorry for your loss.

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RE: Confessions of a bad submissive. - 9/2/2010 6:40:12 AM

wandersalone

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Elan there are a number of people in this particular section whose posts I always look forward to reading and I confess that you are one of those people. I offer my sincere condolences on the loss of your mum, it sounds like it has been a grueling time to say the least for all of you. Your commitment to her in her final days says a lot both about you as a person and about your mum to inspire such caring from you. I imagine she was a special and courageous woman.

My feeling is that your post is a natural part of the questioning that happens when we are faced with death. It brings up questions about our own mortality, what would people say about the type of person I was, can I look back on my life with pride or would there be some regret as well.

I was incredibly .... I don't know if lucky is the right word, maybe smart is more apt

in that I used an online message board for a fairly short time before starting to meet people in real life at kink events but even in that short time... wow, what a difference there was between the two sets of people. What...a submissive doesn't have to kneel for every person that calls them self a dominant nor address everyone as Lord or Lady High Falutin' so and so??

Even now, after more than a decade of drifting in and out of the scene though I confess that at times I still don't have too much in common with many of the people in the scene here apart from the fact that we are all obviously kinky. I don't need the cuffs or corsets or fetish gear to make me feel more submissive or kinky (though a killer pair of boots can make me puddle

) and like you, I can go for days without thinking of sex or bdsm as I have a very full and at times demanding life. I was with my dominant the other night and we spent the evening with him asking me for advice about verbal reasoning tests and behavioural interviews.... not kinky in the slightest!!

I think that the things you mentioned, all of you "I" statements show that you are a well adjusted and competent human being who happens to be submissive. You have recognised that online often has little or no similarity to the styles of bdsm that are lived by people every day away from the computer - be thankful as there are many who never learn this valuable lesson.

You and your loved ones will be in my thoughts when I light my candles

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RE: Confessions of a bad submissive. - 9/2/2010 8:44:09 PM

MaamJay

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Elan, sorry to hear about the loss of your Mum. I dealt with this Myself nearly 2 years ago and it's not an easy time. Neither was being Executor of the estate especially from the far side of a very big country! I hope you have time and space to grieve your loss and I do wish you well in all that you have to deal with at this time.

Now I'm going to confess to something that is going to sound so dumb! In all the time here that I have read (and enjoyed) your posts, I didn't twig to the fact that you are male! (I'm not one for checking profiles as I am often on a dodgy internet connection). And that's precisely because you DON'T come across as the horny cock-driven in-your-face can't-string-two-words-together male so-called subby that tends to haunt this place at times ... Now before everyone jumps down My throat, I am NOT saying all the male subs are like that, there are a plethora of good ones here too and I am grateful for them ... but I am sure you've all seen the other type come and go on these forums. Elan, you come across as a sensible, realistic sub with thoughtful things to say, and heck, now I know you are male too ... wish you were in Australia!!

Maam Jay aka violet[A]

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RE: Confessions of a bad submissive. - 9/3/2010 1:31:21 PM

Wheldrake

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quote:

ORIGINAL: ElanSubdued

I've been doing quite a bit of thinking lately. For context, I'd better preface this post by saying my mom passed away recently (from kidney failure) and I was with her when she died and for many hours afterward. Watching someone you love die, especially when there is little you can do to help them, is an experience that puts a lot of things in perspective. While this was going on, someone else in my family had a heart attack, likely triggered from the weeks of suffering we watched my mom go through before she died. Try as we did, nothing brought my mom back to health and when her kidneys failed, this was the final blow.

That sounds absolutely miserable. Please accept my condolences.

quote:

ORIGINAL: ElanSubdued
There are those who aren't comfortable going to kinky events and/or who, for various reasons, can't get to events or meet others in person. I guess my feeling is real life happens offline. In the offline world, very little wanker sub stuff happens and, similarly, domineering dominants aren't that frequent either - both types get weeded out by the community and by their peers very quickly. While reading the forums and encountering topics the ilk of "keeping your sub's cock under control", "ball busting", "face farting", and "subs using their dominants as fetish providers", and handles like "toiletsub4u" and "bitchgoddess"... to be honest, I felt very disconnected and confused. There's a missing humanity that isn't part of the BDSM community of which I'm a part. It's either this or I'm just a very, very bad submissive.

I'm one of those "for various reasons" people, and I've never been to a kinky event in my life, so you may want to take what I say with a grain of salt. However, it seems to me that communicating with others online has both benefits and disadvantages. Yes, people do wander onto these forums to sound off about face farting and similarly delightful topics. Personally, I find it pretty easy to tune that stuff out and concentrate on the more substantive and interesting conversations that are taking place in spite of all the white noise in the background.

As for the actual advantages of interacting online... well, even if I were going regularly to local munches, the forums would still give me the chance to exchange ideas and experiences with a lot of people whom I would never be able to meet in the flesh. And to some degree I actually appreciate the way being in cyberspace tends to lower people's inhibitions. You do get the obsessive ball busters and face farters, but it's not always bad to push the boundaries and think outside the box of what any given local community might consider uncontroversial and acceptable. Quite the opposite, in my opinion.

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RE: Confessions of a bad submissive. - 9/3/2010 1:38:11 PM

PeonForHer

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quote:

ORIGINAL: MaamJay
Now I'm going to confess to something that is going to sound so dumb! In all the time here that I have read (and enjoyed) your posts, I didn't twig to the fact that you are male!

Are you calling my mate Elan a woofter, MaamJay?

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RE: Confessions of a bad submissive. - 9/4/2010 3:23:07 AM

BlackTigerDragon

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quote:

ORIGINAL: seekingOwnertoo

quote:

ORIGINAL: BlackTigerDragon

OMG! You have an IQ over three? No that simply won't do! That means you are not a sub if your IQ is over three! All subs are mentally retarded to the point they can't even go outside without supervision. Or even outside the bedroom without supervision. No sub should have an opinion or ideas or a favourite colour. You are a terrible sub! Stay away from me with your failed subness! Subs have to do everything the dominant says and have no limits and if the sub doesn't like it and wants to leave they can't because they are a sub. You are not a sub until your life is in danger and the dominant is doing something that is obviously illegal.

Clearly ... You said this all ... tongue in cheek ...

Because mensa clearly identified ... i have the an IQ of .... four!

Am thinking .. Elan .. is a lot higher than this!

Tongue and cheek? Noooooo. I was being serious. I have never met a sub before but I got all my BDSM information from the internet (and how to spell BDSM is all I have learned so far) Therefore, I know everything.

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RE: Confessions of a bad submissive. - 9/4/2010 6:22:38 AM

cloudboy

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It sounds to me like you are over internalizing what happens in the world, which can be self destructive and paralyzing. Grief and sadness are one thing, but seeing yourself as powerless, inadequate, and not fitting in is another. (Your post has overtones of this.)

Keep setting targets no matter what. Bring your memories and frustrations with you into the future, but make sure they don't act like a ball and chain.

Happiness is all about putting your best foot forward, even when its hard as hell.

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RE: Confessions of a bad submissive. - 9/4/2010 9:11:14 AM

daddysliloneds

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my condolences to you and yours...

oh, and you're not a bad submissive; you're a man who is submissive to the right person and under the right context. you just haven't met someone strong enough to deal with you as a person and in the context that you seek; you're not alone.

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RE: Confessions of a bad submissive. - 9/5/2010 2:51:43 PM

ElanSubdued

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BlackTigerDragon, seekingOwnertoo, GreedyTop, wandersalone, MaamJay, Wheldrake, cloudboy, daddysliloneds, and anyone I missed;

I did read all the notes posted since I last replied in the thread. I'm sorry for this extremely quick, somewhat impersonal reply, but life is very busy right now and offline life must take priority. It really helped to read the sweet compliments (wandersalone, MaamJay, others), humour and sarcasm (BlackTigerDragon), goal setting (cloudboy), condolences (which everyone wrote), and other replies (Wheldrake... your post comes to mind). Thank you. It was very comforting to come back to the thread and find that so many people have sent wishes and shared perspective.

I will come back to the thread, but I'm not sure when that will be... likely sometime over the next week. At present, life calls so I'll sincerely thank everyone who has replied. Thank you.

Side note to Peon: "woofter". Ha! Now that put a smile on my face along with all the other posts. :-)

Richard.

< Message edited by ElanSubdued -- 9/5/2010 2:53:03 PM >

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RE: Confessions of a bad submissive. - 9/5/2010 9:29:37 PM

eihwaz

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Elan, Thank you for your very thoughtful post. I'm sorry for your loss. I'm glad you could be with your mother when she passed. It is a precious thing.

As to your op: I identify my submissiveness completely with my sexuality, perhaps akin to a sexual orientation. My sexuality is a wonderful part of me when kept in proper balance and perspective within the wholeness of myself and my life. I appreciate how clearly and eloquently you made this observation in your op.

As with individual sexuality, the same with sex in a life/love relationship: While sex is a fundamental aspect, it's not necessarily the most important one, nor the most challenging, or even the most interesting.

As to the difference between real life versus online BDSM, there is more bad behavior throughout the online world in general than in real life, I suppose because of the attenuated nature of the former: Some people take the relative absence of social consequences in the online world as a license. Also, while I often SMHID (shake my head in disbelief), in particular, at some of the pictures on cm, I suppose that's the kink variant of the exhibitionism pervasive in all social media.

< Message edited by eihwaz -- 9/5/2010 9:35:18 PM >

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RE: Confessions of a bad submissive. - 9/14/2010 7:50:25 AM

NovelApproach

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Elan,

Emerging from a long lurk to express that I'm deeply sorry for your loss.

Like many others here, I certainly don't think of you as a "bad submissive," but rather one of a core of frequent posters who really "get it." People like you keep me coming back, despite the blatant arse-haberdashery that crops up sometimes.

The way you describe yourself is the same way I would describe either one of my beloved boys - they're strong, self-sufficient, and quite frankly, probably think about kink/sex less than I do. And I love that that's the way things are. I think BDSM makes up less than a tenth of the time I spend with my boys, and what we do in that other 95% is what makes me want the things we do in the bedroom. The hours spent curled up against Trouble while mourning my grandfather outnumber the hours spent lying atop him while enjoying my dominant afterglow, and the times I've punched Kitty's shoulder for saying something ridiculously funny outnumber the times I've spanked him for any conceivable reason. And given a choice, I know which cuddles and blows are priceless and which are merely pleasant.

What I'm (inelegantly) trying to say is that I think you're right. Real life is what happens offline, and most of what I've seen online is disconnected from my personal experiences. The humanity and passion and... closeness of real-life lifestyle get lost somewhere. And yet. There are, from time to time, conversations like this one, ones that bring those lovely human things into the disjointed un-reality of the internet, and that gives me hope and keeps me logging in.

Take care, Elan. You and your family will be in my prayers.

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RE: Confessions of a bad submissive. - 9/14/2010 3:50:37 PM

ElanSubdued

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NovelApproach,

quote:

What I'm (inelegantly) trying to say is that I think you're right. Real life is what happens offline, and most of what I've seen online is disconnected from my personal experiences. The humanity and passion and... closeness of real-life lifestyle get lost somewhere. And yet. There are, from time to time, conversations like this one, ones that bring those lovely human things into the disjointed un-reality of the internet, and that gives me hope and keeps me logging in.

I did read your entire post (more than once, in fact). Thank you for your words of support and for your words vis-a-vis those of us who live BDSM in our lives away from the computer. I decided to quote what you've written above because it addresses a question I've been pondering. Why do I keep coming back to Collar Me when, for the most part, the site doesn't connect with me in terms of my current experiences with BDSM? If I've got questions about a specific activity, I can ask an expert in real life, face-to-face. It's not that common that questions about play sit in my mind anyway because (1) I've tried a lot of things, and (2) if I do have a question, I'd rather discuss it with the person with whom I'm going to do that activity. Similarly, I know how to meet people in real life, can and do meet people in real life, and prefer meeting this way. Sites like Collar Me are useful research tools and are certainly helpful for gaining knowledge from sharing experiences. Still, I often find the continuous barrage of "do Mistresses engage in activity X" to be, as you put it, disconnecting.

So... again I ask myself "why do I keep coming back?" The answer to my question is people such as yourself (and Lady Pact, PeonForHer, and others who write to me on the other side). Thank you for your kind thoughts and prayers, and for helping illuminate why I still find great value in this site and, most importantly, in the people I'm privileged to have as friends here.

Elan.

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