Not sure who to ask

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GirlwithaClue -> Not sure who to ask (9/3/2010 7:32:27 PM)
... since I dont really know alot of people in the life. And this isnt really something you can ask just anybody from off the street. I thought I would at least place this here and hopefully you would take some kind of pity on me and help me understand things. Im still new to alot of this. I feel I am submissive. I seek a Dominate male. A submissive male wrote to me and since he lives close by we began chatting which lead to meeting. We said from the beginning we wouldnt label anything but just meet and see where it leads us. We have alot in common and enjoy each other's company. Even though we are both submissive, I was still attracted to him but wasnt sure if he even liked me. After our first meet for dinner, he wanted to take a walk where we chatted more. The meet lasted six hours. I thought this a good sign. Two days later, he called wanting to go to dinner. We did. Had a great time. Sitting in the car before leaving he said, What the hell. And kissed me. I mean take me now kinda kisses. Our third date, an all day with dinner and stuff at the beach, we ended up having sex. Now, it had been a long time for me and I guess I was feeling I wasnt up to par since he had a hard time uh... rising to the occasion. Im not sure if its because he wasnt really attracted to me...or if its his age (50) or maybe I cant give good head. Who knows. He later said thanks to me for being patient with him when after our second try he did have an orgasm. (oral only) We havent had intercourse. Fourth date, we had dinner... a long walk.. lots of talking. But a hug goodnight. Maybe one or two light kisses. Then no calls for about a week. No seeing each other... two weeks. He then calls me three times in one day. He called me to say he wanted to be upfront with me. He told me he was still seeking for a Domme. He didnt want to hurt me but wanted me to know this so as to not hurt my feelings. I told him it was too late. But that I understand. .... so now, he wants to be friends I guess. He said he still wants to see me. Im confused. I told him Im confused. He said its hard to find someone to share this life with, even as friends and doesnt want to lose that... and he hoped we would still have sex but if I didnt that he would understand and still wanted to be friends. He's driving all the way to my town ( an hour away) to take me to breakfast. No sex. Just meet for breakfast, his treat. Im confused. Isnt that a date? We are meeting in the morning at a restaurant. I know this is long. Im confused. I told him I couldnt have casual sex and wasnt looking for a fuck buddy. Play time and sex go hand in hand with me. He said ok and that we would do only what I wanted. He said he cant help his feelings for a wanting a Domme. But he said he knows he probably will never find what he's looking for. He asked if Im still seeking a Dom. I told him Im taking a break right now. Please if you would share some light with me. I realize this is at best "childish" to some.. but well, we started out as not labeling ourselves in this...and now he seems to be changing things. Doesnt want to hurt me. I admit I really like him. I told him this. But I know I cant be a Domme. Thanks for reading and for responding (hopefully in a kind manner).

DarkSteven -> RE: Not sure who to ask (9/3/2010 7:39:11 PM)
First off, welcome to collarme! Do you think you could make things work? If so, tell him that you want to make a go of things and ask him to quit looking for a Domme. Else, figure out if you want him in your life or not. The sex is confusing you and making you wonder if there is a relationship or not. I honestly doubt that it could work, so I'd advise against sex with him. If you don't want him in your life - tell him. if you do - tell him, but keep it platonic. It sounds to me like you're both in for a bit of a search, and knowing someone in the lifestyle couldn't hurt. But it's your call.

poise -> RE: Not sure who to ask (9/3/2010 7:47:38 PM)
It sounds to me like you have found a very dear friend. The fact that both of you are submissive in nature cant change the fact that you and he formed a close bond right from the start. Men are wonderful creatures, whether they are dominant or submissive, and as a woman, you found the attraction to him as a man...not as a label. While you may feel wounded that he "still" searches for a Domme, you were aware of his nature before you became intimate and even the best sex in the world wont change his needs. I dont see how remaining friends with him would be detrimental to you and your search for the right man for you.

littlewonder -> RE: Not sure who to ask (9/3/2010 8:08:19 PM)
He needed someone to satisfy his itch until he actually found what he wants. You satisfied his itch for awhile but he still needs a Domme, not another sub, to be with. But you'll do for now until he finds a Domme. Unfortunately many many many work like this in bdsm it seems. This is why it's very important to take your time and get to know someone before jumping into anything. If he really wants you for you and more than someone to take care of his kink, he'll stick around. Otherwise he'll move on. and that's what he did...moved on...but then the itch came back and you are there to take care of it again. Is that what you want to be? A temporary fix?

LadyPact -> RE: Not sure who to ask (9/3/2010 8:20:28 PM)
In the original, you said that you didn't want to be a fuck buddy. It sounds like that is what you were, at least once. Even with your resolve not to "label" each other, the guy is literally telling you that he wants to pursue the Domme that he feels he is compatible with. Not only did he specifically tell you that, it was the way it seems he responded to you overall. I didn't exactly see any exclamations about how fantastic the sex was for either one of you. To a point, he got a want for sex satisfied, so there was a period of time that he didn't contact at all. Is it possible that after a couple of weeks, he might have been rationalizing that any sex was better than no sex? The guy actually was honest with you about his intention of finding a Domme. That doesn't stop you from being his friend, but you might want to be honest with yourself about the fact that really is what he wants. The incompatibility is there and he didn't deceive you about it.

horizonz -> RE: Not sure who to ask (9/3/2010 8:47:25 PM)
Welcome, to cm. I'm sorry your first post had to be such a serious and difficult issue. Personally, I don't think it is going anywhere-- it sounds like he is looking for a FWB. He continues to want sexual favors, but doesn't want to commit to a relationship. I can see how it might seem that he's sending mixed signals by asking you to breakfast, but don't let your mind be clouded he has made his stance clear. He stated that he still looking for a Domme. Ask yourself if he had met his ideal Domme, would still be looking? If the answer is no, I suggest that you don't lower your standards -- i think you already have your suspicions. Trust your instincts, and trust your heart.

mstrjx -> RE: Not sure who to ask (9/3/2010 8:48:49 PM)
From what I see, a lot of what happens in the future is going to be based on what YOU want, and I can't say I see it clearly enough to put words in your mouth. It is evident that if you want a romantic relationship with a dominant man, and conversely he ultimately wants a relationship with a dominant woman, then I would not pursue further romance with him. It would probably do nothing to further each of your confusions. I believe that many or most of those who are single, or at least single and older (40's+) who have non-vanilla inclinations feel that they might not meet the person who is right for them. Having that knowledge, what do you (or any of us) do? If you are looking for a scene friend and you don't feel as if being around or near him would make you (or he) feel awkward, then that is a valid choice for you. Regardless of the direction of your potential search, I would not recommend getting in the way of his search. Obviously his disappearance had a lot to do with his own confusions about what he feels he needs ultimately and what you have to offer. Hope this helps. Jeff

inkSecret -> RE: Not sure who to ask (9/3/2010 9:36:36 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: GirlwithaClue ... since I dont really know alot of people in the life. And this isnt really something you can ask just anybody from off the street. I thought I would at least place this here and hopefully you would take some kind of pity on me and help me understand things. Im still new to alot of this. I feel I am submissive. I seek a Dominate male. A submissive male wrote to me and since he lives close by we began chatting which lead to meeting. We said from the beginning we wouldnt label anything but just meet and see where it leads us. We have alot in common and enjoy each other's company. Even though we are both submissive, I was still attracted to him but wasnt sure if he even liked me. After our first meet for dinner, he wanted to take a walk where we chatted more. The meet lasted six hours. I thought this a good sign. Two days later, he called wanting to go to dinner. We did. Had a great time. Sitting in the car before leaving he said, What the hell. And kissed me. I mean take me now kinda kisses. Our third date, an all day with dinner and stuff at the beach, we ended up having sex. Now, it had been a long time for me and I guess I was feeling I wasnt up to par since he had a hard time uh... rising to the occasion. Im not sure if its because he wasnt really attracted to me...or if its his age (50) or maybe I cant give good head. Who knows. He later said thanks to me for being patient with him when after our second try he did have an orgasm. (oral only) We havent had intercourse. Fourth date, we had dinner... a long walk.. lots of talking. But a hug goodnight. Maybe one or two light kisses. Then no calls for about a week. No seeing each other... two weeks. He then calls me three times in one day. He called me to say he wanted to be upfront with me. He told me he was still seeking for a Domme. He didnt want to hurt me but wanted me to know this so as to not hurt my feelings. I told him it was too late. But that I understand. .... so now, he wants to be friends I guess. He said he still wants to see me. Im confused. I told him Im confused. He said its hard to find someone to share this life with, even as friends and doesnt want to lose that... and he hoped we would still have sex but if I didnt that he would understand and still wanted to be friends. He's driving all the way to my town ( an hour away) to take me to breakfast. No sex. Just meet for breakfast, his treat. Im confused. Isnt that a date? We are meeting in the morning at a restaurant. I know this is long. Im confused. I told him I couldnt have casual sex and wasnt looking for a fuck buddy. Play time and sex go hand in hand with me. He said ok and that we would do only what I wanted. He said he cant help his feelings for a wanting a Domme. But he said he knows he probably will never find what he's looking for. He asked if Im still seeking a Dom. I told him Im taking a break right now. Please if you would share some light with me. I realize this is at best "childish" to some.. but well, we started out as not labeling ourselves in this...and now he seems to be changing things. Doesnt want to hurt me. I admit I really like him. I told him this. But I know I cant be a Domme. Thanks for reading and for responding (hopefully in a kind manner). It's pretty damn simple. He is still seeking a Domme (like he said) He likes you (which hes shown) But you're not his type (which he's proven) However he doesn't want to lose you (which you know) Whether he still wants to sleep with you or not is irrelevant Obviously his connection to you, is important Why "don't" you want casual sex with him? It's not like you're looking for a submissive male.

ropekitten -> RE: Not sure who to ask (9/3/2010 9:59:14 PM)
He wants a Domme and you are a sub. You don't fit the bill. Conversely, you want a Dom. If he weren't still looking for a Domme, would you be satisfied with him instead of continuing your search for a Dom? I have found I enjoy the company of male subs. They are peaceful for me. One has become a very good friend and sometimes we just fall into each other's arms with a little comforting, loving, gentle sex; undemanding; no role-playing or scening. We are both older and unable to find the right Other, and occasionally it just happens. It's mutual and comes naturally, but it certainly isn't expected every time we meet for lunch.

inkSecret -> RE: Not sure who to ask (9/3/2010 10:06:11 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: ropekitten He wants a Domme and you are a sub. You don't fit the bill. Conversely, you want a Dom. If he weren't still looking for a Domme, would you be satisfied with him instead of continuing your search for a Dom? I have found I enjoy the company of male subs. They are peaceful for me. One has become a very good friend and sometimes we just fall into each other's arms with a little comforting, loving, gentle sex; undemanding; no role-playing or scening. We are both older and unable to find the right Other, and occasionally it just happens. It's mutual and comes naturally, but it certainly isn't expected every time we meet for lunch. daym straight It happens with me and other Dominant Women too. Sometimes it's just something that happens, we're not life partners for each other. But it's still sexy.

DesFIP -> RE: Not sure who to ask (9/4/2010 7:00:08 AM)
If he didn't have sex with the domme, would it be okay with you? If he just did chores around her house and got a good beating every so often? Could you two service top each other? Not feeling dominant, but just wanting to make each other happy. Totally different mindset. And yes, at 50 the inability to have a firm erection and difficulty orgasming is common. Erectile Dysfuntion tends to become more common as men age.

mnottertail -> RE: Not sure who to ask (9/4/2010 7:08:12 AM)
I did not have sex with that woman. Bill

lizi -> RE: Not sure who to ask (9/4/2010 7:48:16 AM)
What I got from reading your posting was that after stripping away the D/s elements - you seem to like the guy more than he likes you. He's confusing you because you want something more than he does and you're reading into things. He said to you that he'd like a FWB type thing, it's up to you to take it or not but he's been honest to you about what type of relationship he would like with you (sex and friendship) and he's also been honest that he's still on the look out for his Domme. If you can live with being a side dish until he finds his dream, if that ever happens, then go for it. If you want to be someone's main course then don't take him up on his offer of companionship and sex. Even if you ended up with him for a while there is something demeaning about being there in a person's life as a lesser substitute for what they really want. You already stated you didn't feel up to par when the two of you had sex, sticking around with him when you know he's yearning for something different would be more of that. I do think continuing with him would ultimately leave you flat and empty because the two of you are on different paths.

daddysliloneds -> RE: Not sure who to ask (9/4/2010 8:44:08 AM)
you're someone who he enjoys being around most all the time and who he likes fucking sometimes... in other words, you're a fuck buddy; i oughta know, i got a couple of them myself.

Voodali -> RE: Not sure who to ask (9/4/2010 12:50:56 PM)
Some submissive....he wants it his way. Just friends, but you'll fuck occasionally, but he's still looking for a Domme. That would make you a place holder, the person he'll be with until he finds something better (although he may never find it) . For some girls, this is acceptable. For others, it is merely confusing and humiliating and emotionally devastating. Ask yourself which kind you are. If it hurts to be friends with him, if you feel like you're going crazy, then no matter how "nice" he is, no matter what common ground you have, it would be my advice to take a permanent break from his sorry, misleading ass. Seems to me, at his age, he should have a clearer idea of what he can't live without so that he doesn't mingle fluids with people he might hurt. A 20 something might have an excuse to make that mistake, but seriuosly. If you benefit from that arrangement, go for it. Milk it for what its worth. I am guessing, however, from the confused tone of your posting, and the fact that you've posted at all, that you're suffering. Maybe you're into that, but as someone who sure the hell isn't, I don't understand why you'd want that. Alternately, are you submissive in the sense that you could service top him ? or vice versa ?

GirlwithaClue -> RE: Not sure who to ask (9/4/2010 1:13:46 PM)
wow This is great. Thank you all for such wonderful advice. Im taking all of it to heart and going to apply it to my head. We actually had breakfast this morning. Im not sure about telling all the details or if you would care to hear them. I will say that he tried to kiss me several times but I offered my cheek instead. And when he tried holding my hand as we walked to and from the restaurant I placed them in my back pockets instead. It just doesnt sit well with me to mix friends only with what is to me "dating" things. Im confused enough. We had a wonderful time at breakfast and shared stories along with grits. :) I mentioned to Him that I was going to the Jacksonville Kinksters munch and he wanted me to go with him as his guest. When I said that maybe I might meet a Dom while we were there and He became quiet and didnt respond. It kinda put a damper on things...so we changed the subject and lightened the mood. I suppose our friendship is still intact. Some mentioned being fuck buddies...well. We only did oral once, no intercourse. (I thought I wrote that.) But sex is sex...lol. Others mentioned what's wrong with having comfortable sex with a friend. Nothing at all. Its just I have a hard time not falling for my sex partner. Some people can just seperate it...I cant. So, I suppose for me I was feeling much more than He...so for him it was maybe just an added "fun" for us as friemds. Im feeling better now after this thread and having our breakfast under my belt. I chalk it up as experience and helping me grow as a person and friend. And Im not sure about the "topping"..servicing..or all that. I have had other subbie men ask me to Domme them and that I can practice on them. But He isnt keen on that idea of me doing that to Him at all. Im not sure why other than He just isnt turned on by me... yet, He said he still wanted us to have a sexual relationship. I showed Him my new flogger I bought but havent used when we were together. I thought maybe He would like me to use it but He didnt want that. Im moving on in the sex part without Him. Our friendship remains. Thank you for writing here and giving advice. Please feel free to write more if needed. And I will still read and respond. hugs bunches

DarkSteven -> RE: Not sure who to ask (9/4/2010 4:22:03 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: GirlwithaClue Im feeling better now after this thread and having our breakfast under my belt. Well, of course. You're full now. [:)] Seriously, I was hoping you'd be able to keep him as a friend. And you're sending him consistent messages now along those lines. He now knows what the score is.

Voodali -> RE: Not sure who to ask (9/4/2010 5:58:14 PM)
Good for you for setting clear boundaries. He may not want you to top him because some subs only want to be Dommed by someone who genuinely enjoys it. I still think he's kind of a douche, but I applaud you for being strong and forgiving enough to protect yourself but maintain the friendship.

AnimusRex -> RE: Not sure who to ask (9/4/2010 10:28:39 PM)
A submissive man is still a man, and all men want pussy. Sorry to be so crude, but thats the iron law of nature. Deal with it as you see fit.

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