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RE: How can I have a 'Nilla Husband and home life and s... - 9/11/2010 1:47:00 PM

Shoshone

Posts: 21
Joined: 9/11/2010
Status: offline

quote:

So my question is, how do I get my needs met being in the marriage with kids 'nilla life?

You start with communication. Many men are programmed in the new feminist style of relationships. They think that gentleness and kindness and passiveness is what a woman wants and anything that deviates from that is rape and violence.

You have to deprogram him and that's no easy task. See if you can watch some videos together that have themes that you really like and which really get you off. Tell him what you want and that anything he does is OK. He needs your acceptance as much as you need his.

quote:

How can I justify seeing a Dom and not feel guilty about it?

You can't unless you offer him an open relationship and it sounds like that is out of the question.

quote:

How can I get my husband to allow me to led this lifestyle without him taking the same liberties.... (probably not going to happen but maybe?

Explore the facets of BDSM that interests you and allow him to pick aspects that really please him. He may find an interest in sex on demand, slavery, 1950's Household, or maybe he might like to be a sub sometimes. You have to offer him a safe environment to express his desires too. Many women are critical without even knowing it. 80% of female communication is non-verbal. From looking away to sighs, there's a thousand way for a woman to show her disapproval. If you want acceptance you have to offer acceptance. Not every woman can do that.

(in reply to lizi)

Post #: 21

RE: How can I have a 'Nilla Husband and home life and s... - 9/11/2010 8:20:36 PM

strudel

Posts: 7
Joined: 3/28/2010
Status: offline

Well, Thank you all for you honest opinions. I know that in a public forum, I will not always get responses that are easy to hear or that I don't really even want to. But, sometimes you have to open your ears and hear eveything that's being said in order to get the full message.

To clear the air, the profile was created while we were "On a break" I have not thought to go back and edit it for properness. I will do that. Part of the reason I don't feel confortable with him going outside of the relationship is that he strayed with a "dancer" last summer and they girl he was with earlier this year started a lot of drama with me at my home when I came home and was a bit nutty. I did not bring anything from my encounters back home with me. Plus, there is the fear of him rejecting me for someone else.... Time to take a big girl pill.

Without sounding like the crazy farm, we have our share of problems, and they have really tested our strength. I openly talk to him and tell him that I am unhappy and here is why and I would like us to try to work on these things. He hears me, he participates in the conversation, but it's like 10 minutes later, we never talked. I have told him of my desires in BDSM. He knows I have had encounters. He does not know with who or when or where ect...

Anyrate.... Thank you all, I have a lot to think about and discuss.

< Message edited by strudel -- 9/11/2010 8:26:11 PM >

(in reply to Shoshone)

Post #: 22

RE: How can I have a 'Nilla Husband and home life and s... - 9/11/2010 10:16:02 PM

sexyred1

Posts: 8998
Joined: 8/9/2007
Status: offline

I just want to echo something someone has said about your sexual issues. You knew your husband before you married and have been with him sexually for 4 years.

I think that is more than enough time to know whether someone has fantasies of a D/s nature.

Sometimes, even when someone loves you, they cannot change into what you want; they are either not wired to be dominant or just don't want to.

I would ask if you had D/s desires before the marriage, and if you thought your sex life was good PRIOR to your experimenting with Doms outside the marriage.

And as everyone said, you cannot always have your cake and eat it too, you should communicate as clearly and openly as possible and LISTEN to him.

If you both feel the relationship is worth saving, you will work at it. If not, you will separate.

Things never remain static in life or relationships and people do not always grow and change at the same level.

(in reply to strudel)

Post #: 23

RE: How can I have a 'Nilla Husband and home life and s... - 9/12/2010 6:23:41 AM

ranja

Posts: 2111
Joined: 11/1/2007
Status: offline

it is always supposed to be best if you communicate honestly and openly...

For me that did not work... my Husband is not a 'talker' and eventhough He was informed by myself about everything i thought He needed to know to make things better... like you... it never seemed to sink in... or was taken as critism... and nothing seemed to change... eventually i did not know how to explain myself anymore, so then there were issues we did not talk about anymore... as they were talked to death and it made no difference... sex had dried up to once (very awkwardly) every 3 or 4 months the situation was truly dire

For us counselling was never an option because my Husband would sooner divorce than talk to a 'professional' and i did not see any point in going by myself to couple counselling.

i managed to get thing started again between us when i knew i wanted Him...
i also had some brilliant advice from an on-line Master
then i managed to properly submit to my Husband... instead of wishing Him to be my perfect lover, i concentrated on me being His perfect lover
by accepting that He was simply not going to push my buttons, i finally understood it had to be me to make things right... i took responsibility, and strangely that made me more submissive...
i now realise that in my desperation for Him to be my perfect Dom; in all these open and honest conversations i must have come across like quite a dominant woman demanding things from Him... it turned Him off entirely
i always wanted Him to change just a bit but in the end something in me changed and He responded very well to it.

All the best

(in reply to strudel)

Post #: 24

RE: How can I have a 'Nilla Husband and home life and s... - 9/12/2010 6:47:01 AM

DarkSteven

Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: strudel

I openly talk to him and tell him that I am unhappy and here is why and I would like us to try to work on these things. He hears me, he participates in the conversation, but it's like 10 minutes later, we never talked. I have told him of my desires in BDSM. He knows I have had encounters. He does not know with who or when or where ect...

That is a massive warning signal and one that I expected.

He is tuning you out.

He has accepted the fact that you have needs, that you want to be heard, and still he does not feel responsible for meeting them. he knows that there is a significant portion of your life that he doesn't care to deal with. He's checked out.

Your marriage is in very deep trouble. You need to focus on HIM - what HE wants and needs, and getting HIM to communicate. Without casting blame, it sounds like the two of you have actions and personalities that have reduced him to being a bystander in the marriage. Note that you have described your jealousy issues but seem unaware of his - I bet you that he has them but just doesn't verbalize his feelings.

Again, I suggest a Marriage Encounter Retrouvaille. And much as I hate to tell you this, I do not think that any man who has stood by through all of this without asserting himself, is Dom enough for you. I suspect that the best solution for your needs would be a poly type arrangement, if you can get past your jealousy issues.

Please think of your innocent children and make an attempt to save the marriage for their sake.

_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to strudel)

Post #: 25

RE: How can I have a 'Nilla Husband and home life and s... - 9/12/2010 1:32:00 PM

Madame4a

Posts: 2045
Joined: 2/4/2008
From: Washington, DC area
Status: offline

Hmm.. in this post, you sound amazingly selfish... you don't want him to have the freedom you want because of the drama? Wow.. ever thought someone psycho you get hooked up with online might create a bit more drama? And you have two kids?

Seems to me you need to take a look at your priorities... and yes, we all want to be happy.. but its not always possible all the time forever... keep that in mind.. and frankly, being able to go outside your marriage to pursue some BDSM fantasies.. that may or may not be what you want... are not going to necessarily make you happy...

you might start there.. what will make you happy within the confines of your very real and present life...

pheww... I think I had too much coffee

ETA: and thinking a bit more, I think that sometimes it takes being selfish to be happy

quote:

ORIGINAL: strudel

Well, Thank you all for you honest opinions. I know that in a public forum, I will not always get responses that are easy to hear or that I don't really even want to. But, sometimes you have to open your ears and hear eveything that's being said in order to get the full message.

To clear the air, the profile was created while we were "On a break" I have not thought to go back and edit it for properness. I will do that. Part of the reason I don't feel confortable with him going outside of the relationship is that he strayed with a "dancer" last summer and they girl he was with earlier this year started a lot of drama with me at my home when I came home and was a bit nutty. I did not bring anything from my encounters back home with me. Plus, there is the fear of him rejecting me for someone else.... Time to take a big girl pill.

Without sounding like the crazy farm, we have our share of problems, and they have really tested our strength. I openly talk to him and tell him that I am unhappy and here is why and I would like us to try to work on these things. He hears me, he participates in the conversation, but it's like 10 minutes later, we never talked. I have told him of my desires in BDSM. He knows I have had encounters. He does not know with who or when or where ect...

Anyrate.... Thank you all, I have a lot to think about and discuss.

< Message edited by Madame4a -- 9/12/2010 1:52:43 PM >

_____________________________

You're crazy bitch
But you f*ck so good, I'm on top of it
When I dream, I'm doing you all night
Scratches all down my back to keep me right on

(in reply to strudel)

Post #: 26

RE: How can I have a 'Nilla Husband and home life and s... - 9/12/2010 2:44:46 PM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

Why should he have to change his preferred sexual style to please her when it will make him unhappy? Why shouldn't she change her preferred sexual style to please him? Oh, because this is what she likes? Guess what folks, this is what he likes and he deserves to be happy also. Something that the op does not want to admit.

And that says there's a lot of anger going on that she is actively seeking a solution where she will be happy and he won't. Anger and resentment. And probably on both sides.

Focus on something other than your clit for the next six months. It won't kill you to have to masturbate instead of screwing others. And get some marriage counseling for the anger and resentment. Also both of you need to work on pre-existing issues before the marriage counseling can help. So do both. When all the other issues are resolved and the only thing left to discuss is sexual incompatibility, that's when you ask him to come with you to a dungeon and watch while others top you. Get your itch scratched that way, first play, and then sex with hubby.

But first fix your many problems.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!

(in reply to Madame4a)

Post #: 27

RE: How can I have a 'Nilla Husband and home life and s... - 9/13/2010 12:47:32 AM

Silentrunner26

Posts: 424
Joined: 7/15/2009
Status: offline

10 yrs ago I had a friend who's husband was nilla and she was sub . She found a wonderful master and all 3 of them had a great relationship . She never brought it home or rubbed it in his face he was her love and husband . Master gave her all the room she needed for both houses and she was a very loved woman for it . Having a nilla mate works if both are willing and open .

(in reply to lizi)

Post #: 28

RE: How can I have a 'Nilla Husband and home life and s... - 9/16/2010 9:02:52 AM

takemeforyourown

Posts: 430
Joined: 2/24/2007
Status: offline

You and I basically have twin lives! My husband and I separated for a year in '06 and I discovered BDSM during that time. When we got back together (and we have two kids) I told him about my new interests. I really feel like BDSM is what I NEED to be satisfied. Unfortunately, he isn't into it at all. Sweet man, he is just happy to be in the bed with me! I have no answers for you. I had to choose my family over myself....or cheat on my marriage. I don't think there is a middle-ground unless your husband is ok with poly.

(in reply to lizi)

Post #: 29

RE: How can I have a 'Nilla Husband and home life and s... - 9/16/2010 6:02:29 PM

January

Posts: 891
Joined: 4/17/2004
Status: offline

quote:

Part of the reason I don't feel confortable with him going outside of the relationship is that he strayed with a "dancer" last summer and they girl he was with earlier this year started a lot of drama with me at my home when I came home and was a bit nutty. I did not bring anything from my encounters back home with me.

Huh? Darling, you brought back your interest in BDSM.

Your behavior pretty much defines "double standard"--you judge your husband for "straying" with someone you find unsuitable, but your experimentation during the break was just fine? And you want more fun?

IMO, you are extremely selfish, hiding behind flimsy rationalizations. Like others have said, I think you need counseling.

January

_____________________________

[link: http://www.bookstrand.com/miss-you-sir] Miss You, Sir by January Rowe is available from Siren now! It's my latest smokin' hot bdsm romance.[/link]

(in reply to strudel)

Post #: 30

RE: How can I have a 'Nilla Husband and home life and s... - 9/16/2010 10:36:39 PM

strudel

Posts: 7
Joined: 3/28/2010
Status: offline

Can we delete this thread? I wasn't asking for the hostility. Since I can't convey the entire picture online, this is fruitless. I know what I must do and will keep trudging on. Thank you to those who did offer constuctive criticism.

(in reply to January)

Post #: 31

RE: How can I have a 'Nilla Husband and home life and s... - 9/17/2010 1:44:51 AM

ranja

Posts: 2111
Joined: 11/1/2007
Status: offline

There is no way to delete the thread as far as i know... but maybe you can ask a moderator?
I think the best thing to do is not click on it anymore if you get upset reading the snarks.
Keep in mind that everybody here who need to tell others that they are selfish suffer this totally selfish need to behave in this way.

(in reply to strudel)

Post #: 32

RE: How can I have a 'Nilla Husband and home life and s... - 9/17/2010 8:00:57 AM

January

Posts: 891
Joined: 4/17/2004
Status: offline

quote:

I wasn't asking for the hostility.

Yes, we know. You were looking for the key to happiness. From a bunch of strangers. Who, by their very nature, can NEVER know the whole picture online.

You've gotten plenty of constructive advice, strudel. Much of it amounts to this: go get yourself a little self-awareness and maturity.

Self-pity is evidently easier.

January

_____________________________

[link: http://www.bookstrand.com/miss-you-sir] Miss You, Sir by January Rowe is available from Siren now! It's my latest smokin' hot bdsm romance.[/link]

(in reply to strudel)

Post #: 33

RE: How can I have a 'Nilla Husband and home life and s... - 9/17/2010 5:43:45 PM

MistressTonya2u

Posts: 140
Joined: 12/20/2009
Status: offline

I do not think you can delete the entire thread or even delete posts you make on cm....but I am not a mod, so maybe you can message them and ask..

(in reply to January)

Post #: 34

RE: How can I have a 'Nilla Husband and home life and s... - 9/17/2010 5:49:08 PM

domiguy

Posts: 12952
Joined: 5/2/2006
Status: offline

No you cannot delete it. It will stand as a reminder for future generations about the hypocrisy that lies in so many of us.

I am glad that you fucked yourself. I don't like the pic of you playing your guitar, it's stupid.

(in reply to MistressTonya2u)

Post #: 35

RE: How can I have a 'Nilla Husband and home life and s... - 9/17/2010 7:19:06 PM

seekingOwnertoo

Posts: 1323
Joined: 8/1/2009
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: domiguy

No you cannot delete it. It will stand as a reminder for future generations about the hypocrisy that lies in so many of us.

I am glad that you fucked yourself. I don't like the pic of you playing your guitar, it's stupid.

You are a .... <word that cannot be used here> ... and you know it!

Although you have a great brain .. your BS can be quite ... not so good.

When I look over this thread, I see a 30 year old lady, who has a TOTAL of FIVE POSTS ...

And potentially asking a serious life question ... yes, I said potentially ...

But can't you give her an opportunity .. to learn?

If she had a 100 or so posts ... she would know what you are ...

Please DO BE A GOOD example for ONCE ... and use YOUR insight to give her SOUND advice!

The issue she posts about ... was VERY REAL ... in my life ... a Decade or Two Ago ...

SO please do, give Her a break!

for Domi ... Compliments of ... THE REAL RAPTOR ...

...

< Message edited by seekingOwnertoo -- 9/17/2010 7:35:12 PM >

(in reply to domiguy)

Post #: 36

RE: How can I have a 'Nilla Husband and home life and s... - 9/17/2010 8:13:56 PM

seekingOwnertoo

Posts: 1323
Joined: 8/1/2009
Status: offline

quote:

and I don't really want or need that guilt. I also don't want to create a situation where he can get with this other girl or someone else

Well strudel ... it is a bit of a quandry ...

The answer to this SINGLE question ... in my opinion

is work on your relationship ... and avoid the guilt you fear ...

In my experience ... he will move to another woman .. otherwise. <smiles>

Because moving on to another woman ... is simply what I did ... in a similar situation ... but, with no children.

Five years later (and yes, we were still dating) ... she wanted to go to bed with me one night ... and all I could say was ...

"NO ... I am mentally and emotionally involved with someone else."

The flip side to this is ... had we stuck it out .... we could have discovered we were a good match.

Because my view of BDSM ... grew and changed!

hope she is enjoying ... where ever she is ... today.

Have a great evening.

(in reply to strudel)

Post #: 37

RE: How can I have a 'Nilla Husband and home life and s... - 9/17/2010 10:06:35 PM

jujubeeMB

Posts: 723
Joined: 1/8/2010
Status: offline

I've got to say, I'm not loving the bashing the hell out of this woman that's going on. She may not be right about everything she's thinking, but at least she's worried about it and trying to figure it out. And frankly, she hasn't done anything that her husband hasn't done - they both took a break and got involved with other people - so she is not some selfish psychopath, as far as I can tell. And wanting to get involved with other people but being too jealous to allow your partner to do the same is not a new concept. Not everyone in open relationships is poly. Plenty of people get off on/are ok with various types of inequalities in the bedroom, and "who gets to sleep with other people" can be one of those inequalities.

The only thing is, of course, both parties have to be ok with it. And it doesn't sound like your husband will be, OP. Don't cheat. Just don't do it. Honesty is always better, and if it ends your marriage then your marriage wasn't meant to be. You're clearly in a place where your sex life is unsatisfactory - do you really want to spend the rest of your life being either unsatisfied or opening up your relationship and being incredibly jealous of who your husband is sleeping with? In my opinion, you both deserve to be happy. See if he could be happy with you being the only one of you who gets involved with another person. If he can't, then you decide how important a satisfying sex life is to you. Personally, I wouldn't live without it - not for all the "marriage preservation" in the world.

Best of luck, and try to ignore the vitriol.

(in reply to seekingOwnertoo)

Post #: 38

RE: How can I have a 'Nilla Husband and home life and s... - 9/17/2010 11:18:49 PM

strudel

Posts: 7
Joined: 3/28/2010
Status: offline

It's a mandolin, know what your talking about before you post. Your not Jesus so you pic is offensive to me! You have to hide behind our saviors face on a kink site? That's hipocrasy. I was just looking for answers like the rest of us out there. Glad to see my first thread will be my last.

(in reply to domiguy)

Post #: 39

RE: How can I have a 'Nilla Husband and home life and s... - 9/18/2010 9:21:25 AM

crazyml

Posts: 5568
Joined: 7/3/2007
Status: offline

[ed posted in error]

_____________________________

Remember.... There's always somewhere on the planet where it's jackass o'clock.

(in reply to strudel)

Post #: 40

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