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Cub05 -> Taking her to subspace for the first time (4/23/2006 3:17:38 AM)
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I wanted to share a domming experience I had recently with a very new submissive and her words that she wrote to me after our first ever scene together. I think it was pretty moving for both of us. I hope you get something from this because I know I sure did. lol
Now I am actually quite a shy person when it comes to new things and ppl. I had actually invited subby over a week before to see me and perhaps play, now I got to the point where I had her tied up, stuck some needles in her, blindfolded her and just could not go past that point. I guess I just wasn't ready. I was berating myself for this, but I shouldn't. If you are not in the right headspace then you stop. I did.
Anyway I digress, the night of the party came, I had brought a friend who was interested in learning things with me. Subby had arrived with a friend also. She continued to be incredibly shy and I informed her that she had to approach me and ask me if she wanted to play with me. This was incredibly difficult for her as in previous times noone had asked her what she wanted or required her to actually actively take part in the power play that is sometimes associated with bdsm. I was a top/domme and if she wanted something from me, she had to ask for it. She eventually did, albeit slowly and painfully on her part lol.
She was required to undress and sit in the corner of the dungeon to weight for me. I tied her into a Munenawa, which is a Shibari rope bondage position whereby the arms are behind the back in a u shape, this renders the person quite helpless. So there she was kneeling, blindfolded and exposed I left her there for a while as I find it helps ppl start their journey, to become quiet within themselves, sensory deprivation. All you can do is listen to voices and your breathing. I myself was a little nervous as well, I had this newby in my midst, showing a great deal of trust and faith in me to take her on her journey, it could all go horribly wrong. I put my stern/determined face on, and proceeded to play with the little subby, tied to the cross, through a series of floggers...... soft horse hair, suede, leather, cat o nine tails. Testing her seeing what she can take, she has her signals if something is too much or if something needs to stop. SAFEWORDS. but since i am partially dear we have hand signals. For the first time I touch her, intimately, I take a breast in my hand, squeezing, then twisting the nipple and her breath intakes sharply. I continue my onslaught of her, taking what it is that I choose to take because she has given it freely.
Finally our scene ends, her back and buttocks marked with the signs of my flogging. I untie her from the cross, the blindfold removed, she cannot see, it is too bright. I can see that she is for the first time in sub space, she is surprised by what she is feeling. She wraps her arms around me like a blind child looking for sanctuary. I am surprised by this as well, I certainly didn't expect this. Aftercare is pretty important and if not done right, or the right support initiated it can really hurt someone. So I paid attention to where this little one was at. She said it was like she was on a pill, relaxed, euphoric and very touchy. I sat with her, held her, reassured her and for the first time kissed her. I asked her to write down her experience of that night and I will post it here:
How does anxiety become trust become submission? i ask you this because i think if You wanted, You could tell me. i made no single approach, rather a series of them, coming closer each time. You threw me off balance from the beginning. The people i spoke with were a welcome distraction from the magnetic pull of You wherever You stood. i do wonder if You knew, as i did of You, where i stood at any given moment. How long did i take to make my way through a dark forest of shyness to stand before You. Only to get there and be unable to speak. Dare i say You were smirking as you psychologically kicked the chair out from under my feet. “Do you have something to ask me?” Have i ever told You Your accent makes me wet? Standing before You, my façade swept aside, the shyness was lifting too. i knew you had done this deliberately, knew all the while from a look in Your eyes. Was it amusement, satisfaction, tell me one day if it pleases You to do so. i knew then you had started playing long before that point, and that i was already in your power, and it sent a shiver of desire through me. i couldn’t do it. The words were a butterfly hatching in my chest, cracking my ribs apart, rising up in me at their own pace, a force outside of my control, and i could not speak them till they broke free. i trusted You enough already no to crush their wings. Anticipation in my veins instead of blood. You casually delivered a command and left before i had taken a single piece of clothing off. It never for even an instant occurred to me to do anything but obey such certainty. Did You know, that of all the people in the room, i would be the most awkward undressing in front of You? What else did You know? What else do You know? You will keep your secrets: i see the light reflecting off them in your eyes like a silver scaled school of fish swimming just below the surface of the water. i see them but i cannot make a single one out. i sat and waited for You. Perhaps submission is about pride as much as it is humility. i felt pride when I sat there. Such a simple thing, a little obedience, but i was r5adiating with the feeling of having obeyed You. Then Bodicea asked me if i was waiting for you, and again i felt proud, not of myself, but of You. It turned me on, knowing i was waiting for You like that, with most of my body exposed. If anyone was looking at me, i didn’t notice. i was waiting for one gaze above all others. Was a watching the door when You came in? i was trying not to. Vision is the ultimate security blanket we wrap ourselves in. Cover my eyes and i am lost in darkness. i have to trust that i am not alone. Now bind me and i am helpless. You step away from me… i try to reach out with my other senses, to place You, to find You, to bring You close. A dozen voices play a discordant background to the one i seek. Then they fade and You are all i hear. Not Your words, just the cadence of Your voice, the sounds. My concentration on you fills my mind. Funny then i don’t notice You moving, don’t realise You are before me till you touch me. Your fingers grabbing my nipples, making them ache for more. i don’t remember if You said a single word, i don’t know how i got to the cross. i do know You led me there and i did not hesitate on a single step. Then You were untying me and i was fixed to the cross. The world contracts[font="times new
roman"]It is the size of Your hands, Your mouthIt has closed its fist tightly about us i could not tell you what happened next. Some things i remember. Your hand in my hair, pulling my head back. That spreading my right hand into a star meant that it was getting painful. That doing the same with my left meant stop. i remember thinking that i wanted to chop off my left hand, that i closed it tightly into a fist so that it wouldn’t spasm as you struck. The fourth lashing of the cat that made me feel as though my skin would come off if You landed a fifth. i do remember that even though i could have sworn my mind was a million miles away, broken into a thousand points of light that shone like the sun, every time You spoke to me and i answered, i spoke first in my mind, and it was a great effort to physically repeat the words. Of all the tools You used on me, it was Your hands I wanted the most, Your hands and Your breath against my neck that made me ache. You could have taken me there, in front of everyone, i wouldn’t have known there was another person in the entire world apart from you and i. Then i was on the bed and You were holding me, my body shaking so hard my teeth were chattering. What is it about that experience that creates the need, above anything else, to be held by the person who has just taken you there. If You had moved an inch away from me, i would have burst into tears. It is the word bereft that comes to mind when i try to imagine how i would have felt had you left me. You took my blindfold off, for a moment i didn’t want to see, didn’t want to come back, could have stayed there forever, the light was too bright there, life was too loud. i wanted to stay where it was dark and safe, within your dominion. Then i saw You. Was that the point at which i started smiling? Did i giggle? i think i remember laughing. i felt like singing your praises to the stars, but i didn’t have words that were strong enough so instead I buried my face in Your shirt. i wanted You to pick me up and hide me in Your hands. When You kissed me i felt like a beggar: Your kiss was a gold coin. Did You read the want in my eyes, was it palpable, tangible. You fed me M&M’s which i only ate because i wanted to taste your fingers. i don’t know how to end this, or if it has ended yet. At the moment this is what comes to me when i think of the experience. Your hands, Your voice…. i have bruises outside i don’t want to see fade. i have marks inside that wont. You took me somewhere i never imagined existed, and You taught me respect for pain. Thankyou. It's been going well so far and it's a very special thing. I am glad I took the plunge again.
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