Why did you choose...?

Collarspace Discussion Forums

Home Login Search

Why did you choose...?

View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Submissive >> Why did you choose...?

Page: [1] 2 next > >>

Login

Message

<< Older Topic Newer Topic >>

Why did you choose...? - 9/12/2010 8:34:25 PM

HisEvelyn

Posts: 252
Joined: 1/21/2010
Status: offline

As I've been exploring the world of kink with my Master and reading the many experiences of people here, I've learned about so many different facets of relationships. Monogamous, polyamorous, group relationships, etc. It's truly broadened my horizons on the many ways people can interact and choose to co-exist with one another. And it brings a curiosity to my mind.

I post this here in Ask a Sub because I am myself a sub, but I welcome responses from everyone, on both sides of the kneel.

For those of you who have chosen to be in a monogamous, one-on-one relationship (either hetero or gay), such as I have, what was it that made you choose that path? If you were once in it just for the fun and the play scenes, what was it that made you decide to stick with one particular person? Was it that person specifically? Was it a desire for deeper intimacy with another soul?

For those of you who only play for fun, why do you choose to keep it on such a lighthearted level? Why do you choose to disassociate love from kink, if that is what you do? Or do you perhaps love some of your play partners, but choose not to pursue something more? Why is that?

For the poly/group households, how does it work? I know good communication and such, but on a more personal level, how does it feed your soul and your needs to have more than one lover/partner/playfriend?

As I continue on the very twisty path of my own sexuality and growing love of kink, I read so much about how people operate, how they use kink in their lives on so many levels. And I find myself wanting to understand it. I accept that such is the way it is. Now I'm a little more curious as to how people arrived at their own personal choice. What happened, how does your particular mind/heart work to bring you to this place where you choose a particular style of relationship? Not so much a 'how did you find kink', but more of a 'why did you choose the particular niche of kink relationship that you did'.

I hope I'm making myself clear on what I am asking, and please know I am not looking to judge anyone for their choices. I'm just a highly curious sort and I like to try and understand other points of view, other ways to see things. I would be very grateful for any responses, and thank you in advance for sharing personal stories or opinions.

< Message edited by HisEvelyn -- 9/12/2010 8:37:17 PM >

Post #: 1

RE: Why did you choose...? - 9/12/2010 8:44:15 PM

littlewonder

Posts: 15659
Status: offline

I was born monogamous. It's how I grew up. It's a part of my values and spirituality and it's what I'm comfortable with.

I've done poly. Hated it..absolutely hated it. I'm not a people person in general and I don't work well in any situation that are not one on one. I am not attracted to women in any way at all, I don't seem to get along with many women and I like the intimacy that comes from a monogamous relationship...and I don't share well.

(in reply to HisEvelyn)

Post #: 2

RE: Why did you choose...? - 9/12/2010 8:59:13 PM

peppermint

Posts: 5169
Joined: 10/18/2005
From: Montana
Status: offline

I did not choose monogamy. It is part of what I am. When I have a partner I am not sexually attracted to others. When I have a partner I can't even imagine being intimate with others. I do not believe monogamy means deeper intimacy. I feel that poly people have very deep intimate relationships.

For me, poly is like a pair of shoes that does not fit. Poly shoes hurt and give me blisters. Whereas monogamous shoes are a comfortable fit.

(in reply to HisEvelyn)

Post #: 3

RE: Why did you choose...? - 9/12/2010 9:05:25 PM

SpiritedRadiance

Posts: 1341
Joined: 3/3/2010
Status: offline

Im wired monogamous, Its not a choice Its not a path Its part of who I am just like Im straight and Im submissive. Its just me. I cant be poly, Im not emotionally mature enough, I just dont work out well with poly people. It just doesnt work out well. I just dont fit in to a poly relationship.

_____________________________

"Theres nothing in life like the feeling of cool leather sliding over your skin, the tears that fill your eyes as you realize someone else thinks you deserve it even if you havent reached that conclusion yet"- Forever to remember 11/5/11

(in reply to peppermint)

Post #: 4

RE: Why did you choose...? - 9/12/2010 9:21:03 PM

leadership527

Posts: 5026
Joined: 6/2/2008
Status: offline

I didn't exactly "choose" a monogamous path. Carol and I were vanilla married for 12 years before the collar. Now that she is my slave, I could alter the marriage to poly if I chose. I've toyed with it on and off and I'm not against the idea. But honestly, I don't have a lot of incentive to do so either. From my standpoint, I already own a slave -- an entire human who's dedicated her life to making my life happy. If I tripped over the perfect complement to us, I'd add her, but I don't have any needs or wants going unfulfilled right now.

_____________________________

~Jeff

I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
I want a joyous, loving, respectful relationship where the male is in charge and deserves to be. - DavanKael

(in reply to HisEvelyn)

Post #: 5

RE: Why did you choose...? - 9/12/2010 9:23:22 PM

tazzygirl

Posts: 37833
Joined: 10/12/2007
Status: offline

quote:

For those of you who have chosen to be in a monogamous, one-on-one relationship (either hetero or gay), such as I have, what was it that made you choose that path? If you were once in it just for the fun and the play scenes, what was it that made you decide to stick with one particular person? Was it that person specifically? Was it a desire for deeper intimacy with another soul?

Interestingly enough, i had to answer that very question today during a gathering of goreans. Someone suggested that not wanting a poly relationship was linked to jealousy, and why did i feel so jealous? It was not asked in a belittling tone or as an attack, but as a question from someone who didnt understand that concept of jealousy. The following was my basic answer...

I am not a jealous person at my core... what i am is suspicious. I have been in a few relationships over the years with Dominant men who have allowed me to peek over their shoulders as they interact with other submissives/slaves. The first time, i opened the relationship myself, and watched it disolve as his cock blocked his ability to see what was happening. Over and over the conversations drifted to the other girl's relationship with him, but no mention of me in those talks. When he finally asked her about this, after i pointed it out to him, her reply was always... "im working on that." He finally asked me what that was supposed to mean. My reply... "she is either working on accepting me into the relationship she is building with you, or she is working on getting me out of my relationship with you." When he asked her if that was the case, she agreed, and their relationship quickly ended. The second one was not as honest, causing rifts in the relationship he and i had.

Before moving in with Master Dinnardin, i was in another relationship with a man who owned a slave when i accepted the living arrangement. It became tense around the holidays. He was working major overtime, spending no time at home, trying to bring in extra cash for his children's christmas. I asked when was the last time he had heard from her, and maybe he may want to spend some time with his slave. He agreed and went on line. Welp, she was no where to be found. Days later, she responded to his emails with the comment that she had been contacted and told that i was pregnant and that she was interferring with "our" growing family. I found this extremely hilarious, he didnt. The accusations started, ending when i got on the phone with her to explain there was no possible way i was pregnant. To say that i had to explain something i wasnt even a party too was upsetting doesnt even begin to describe my feelings at that time. Over the years, she had been a constant source of problems.

When i was speaking to Master Dinnardin about moving in, the same occured. He had a slave living with him who was owned by another. I had no issue with this. Seems she had a major one with me coming here and voiced that objection loudly and often.

The reason why i point out these three instances is to say.... over the years, i have seen the manipulations of many women from the shoulders of men... and it wasnt pretty. The games and tactics used were varied and malicious.

I dont trust women with my relationship. I can share. I wont share with someone who has it in her mind that her relationship is more important that my own.

If Master decided on taking a second, as he informed me today, it would be after much thought and discussion, alot of open communication and many meetings. If i am not comfortable and compatible with the other girl.. its a no go.

So, for now, my relationship is completely monogamous... on both sides.

_____________________________

Telling me to take Midol wont help your butthurt.
RIP, my demon-child 5-16-11
Duchess of Dissent 1
Dont judge me because I sin differently than you.
If you want it sugar coated, dont ask me what i think! It would violate TOS.

(in reply to HisEvelyn)

Post #: 6

RE: Why did you choose...? - 9/12/2010 10:54:08 PM

WyldHrt

Posts: 6412
Joined: 6/5/2008
Status: offline

As others have said, it is not a choice for me. I'm hard-wired straight and monogamous, and have no desire to get into a relationship where I would be expected to change that wiring. Could I have sex with another woman? Yep, I could do it physically, but it would be completely repulsive to me and it would impact me in a very bad way. Being ordered to do so by a Dom who knows this and insists on my doing it anyway would likely end the relationship. Rather the same goes for poly. I'm not wired that way, and I have about zero desire to add partners on either side of my chosen relationship.

_____________________________

"MotherFUCKER!" is NOT a safeword!!"- Steel
"We've had complaints about 'orgy noises'. This is not the neighborhood for that kind of thing"- PVE Cop

Resident "Hypnotic Eyes", "Cleavage" and "Toy Whore"
Subby Mafia, VAA Posse & Team Troll!

(in reply to tazzygirl)

Post #: 7

RE: Why did you choose...? - 9/13/2010 1:45:39 AM

ranja

Posts: 2111
Joined: 11/1/2007
Status: offline

i am not monogamous in the sense that i can only have sex with one person... i often fantasise of having sex with other people or with more than one and also both with male and female
i have been quite 'adventurous' before i met my Husband, but i hardly ever reached orgasm.

in reality i am monogamous because my Husband expects this of me... i am faithful to Him because He makes me cum

in my ideal fantasy my Husband arranges for me to be used by others... strangely i am glad He has no interest in making this a reality because it has somany possibilities of ending in tears.

(in reply to HisEvelyn)

Post #: 8

RE: Why did you choose...? - 9/13/2010 2:29:50 AM

subsfaith

Posts: 297
Joined: 11/21/2006
Status: offline

I believe we all have the potential to have more than one intimate relationship at a time. I personally have relationships with my parents, siblings, extended family, partner, friends, etc, all of which are intimate on some level or another.

There are other contributing factors to our relationship choices though. Our upbringing, our culture, our experiences all add to our choices.

In a little known village in Belize, the norm is for men to bed hop. They have no particular home, other than those of the many women whose beds they frequent. the women are responsible for home making without a stable relationship with just one man. There is no evidence to say they are wired no differently to you or I.... we are all human, just raised different culturally. If it is a cultural difference, then the reason of monogamy being 'hard wired' can be ruled out.

I appreciate other people see this differently to me, but reading the above replies tells me nothing more than why they can't or don't want to step out of what they consider their comfort zone. Which is fine.... horses for courses.

For me, I am currently in a monogamous relationship with my partner, but that may change, if he so chooses.

(in reply to WyldHrt)

Post #: 9

RE: Why did you choose...? - 9/13/2010 2:53:22 AM

SpiritedRadiance

Posts: 1341
Joined: 3/3/2010
Status: offline

Sf, I've tried poly it ended badly because for me my brain structure cannot handle it, it becomes a very negative and otherwise poisonious situation for all involved.

I don't think its anything about comfort some people just CAN'T function well in a poly home. For me I find no one other then my partner attractive, the thought or idea of being sexual with a woman makes me ill to my stomach. And the thought of my partner being with another woman makes me ill to my stomach I couldn't be intimate again with a man who was intimate with another woman during our relationship. I've TRIED more then once the result is the same. I HAVE leave the relationship to maintain my mental and emotional health

_____________________________

"Theres nothing in life like the feeling of cool leather sliding over your skin, the tears that fill your eyes as you realize someone else thinks you deserve it even if you havent reached that conclusion yet"- Forever to remember 11/5/11

(in reply to subsfaith)

Post #: 10

RE: Why did you choose...? - 9/13/2010 3:10:42 AM

lally2

Posts: 2621
Joined: 4/16/2009
Status: offline

i could do poly again, ive never really had an issue with men seeking other women or needing another woman and i love to share, i love community and family and with the right people with the right mindset and the same strong desire to make it work i think it could be wonderful and happy and fun.

beyond that i dont chose especially but i would be cautious of a man who'd never done poly before - i think it takes a certain type to handle more than one woman at a time, they would need to be emotionally intelligent and strong in their intent for the family to work to optimum - which is why i tend to go mono as a rule, it just seems to happen more that way.

_____________________________

So all I have to do in order to serve him, is to work out exactly how improbable he is, feed that figure into the finite improbability generator, give him a fresh cup of really hot tea ... and turn him on!

(in reply to SpiritedRadiance)

Post #: 11

RE: Why did you choose...? - 9/13/2010 3:12:33 AM

CaringandReal

Posts: 1397
Joined: 2/15/2008
Status: offline

quote:

For those of you who have chosen to be in a monogamous, one-on-one relationship (either hetero or gay), such as I have, what was it that made you choose that path?

It was what he wanted over most of the years we were together. It almost wasn't monogamous, but stuff happened with the other person.

_____________________________

"A friend who bleeds is better" --placebo

"How seldom we recognize the sound when the bolt of our fate slides home." --thomas harris

(in reply to HisEvelyn)

Post #: 12

RE: Why did you choose...? - 9/13/2010 4:53:22 AM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

I never chose to be monogamous any more than I chose to be straight. I am straight. I am monogamous. I don't identify other people as sexually attractive when I'm in a good relationship.

Beyond that, we barely have enough time for each other what with work, family, chores etc. You add a new relationship to it and that's tons more time. Worse if you are having an open relationship because then you aren't included when he's spending time with someone who won't have to tell him that the washing machine is broken or the car is making a strange noise. With someone new, there isn't any talk about those kinds of things - just dinners and romantic walks and hot sex. All of which is much more exciting than coming home and hearing about the baby throwing up all day.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!

(in reply to CaringandReal)

Post #: 13

RE: Why did you choose...? - 9/13/2010 4:55:56 AM

allthatjaz

Posts: 2878
Joined: 8/20/2008
Status: offline

Our fem sub does not live in our household and so although we are poly, a large percentage of our time is on a 1 to 1 basis. We do this for fun but its not a game. Its entangled within our love for one another in every way but we don't live the lifestyle of Dom/sub/sub/Domme.
We spend more time with vanilla friends than scene friends because we enjoy what those vanilla friendships have to offer.
We have both been on the scene for some years. We have both been involved in relationships that involved what I can only now interpret as 'a second life' and we both got bored, and fed up. I spent about 5 years only involving myself with scene people and dropping virtually all of my vanilla friendships.
We met and got together because we had both become disillusioned. We both knew that we would never give up our kink but we wanted it to have its place and no longer wanted it to dominate our lives.
We are both primarily dominant with a whole load of power exchange thrown in but prior to us meeting one another, we were very much dominated by this lifestyle.
Its a relief to be free of that. I no longer feel consumed by it and I/We feel much more complete.

_____________________________

S&M (Steve and Maria) persona libre de convencionalismos

Fan of edgeplay.co.uk

(in reply to CaringandReal)

Post #: 14

RE: Why did you choose...? - 9/13/2010 12:55:20 PM

littleone35

Posts: 2828
Joined: 2/17/2005
Status: offline

We are both monogamous. It was not a choice to be made. I could not handle my Master being with another, because obviouly if he is with anoither he is not with me, I want his free time to be with me because i never get enough of him so the time we get is very preecious to me. On Masters side he alwaus says you are MINE and i don't share what belongs to me. Which works our perfectly because one of my few hard limits are not being shared with members od either sex. So i chose Master because we have similar outlooks on life and bdsm.

Matt's littleone

(in reply to allthatjaz)

Post #: 15

RE: Why did you choose...? - 9/13/2010 1:18:23 PM

LadyPact

Posts: 32566
Status: offline

quote:

For those of you who only play for fun, why do you choose to keep it on such a lighthearted level? Why do you choose to disassociate love from kink, if that is what you do? Or do you perhaps love some of your play partners, but choose not to pursue something more? Why is that?

For the poly/group households, how does it work? I know good communication and such, but on a more personal level, how does it feed your soul and your needs to have more than one lover/partner/playfriend?

I'm including both paragraphs because I do both.

My husband and I decided that poly was the best way for us to have our primary relationship and still have the benefits of playing with other people. My husband is not submissive and is in no way a masochist. The best solution for this was for Me to have a submissive. While My husband is My primary and My romantic love is shared with him, I also have love for clip. Each of them meets wants that I have that the other can not fulfill.

Other play partners are for the fun and enjoyment of play. Most of the people that I play with I consider to be friends of Mine and the times that we get together do make Me feel closer to them. Very often, I do love them in a friendship sense of the word. Just because I'm not "in love" with them doesn't mean that I don't care for them. I see these as mutually beneficial arrangements for fun, release, or whatever comes to us through play. We get to be close in a different kind of way.

For Me, I suppose a lot of this has to do with not feeling that one person has to meet all of My wants. I can enjoy the wants that we have in common and not have to miss the ones that we don't.

_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to littleone35)

Post #: 16

RE: Why did you choose...? - 9/13/2010 1:29:53 PM

sexyred1

Posts: 8998
Joined: 8/9/2007
Status: offline

I am and always have been monogamous. The reason? When I am into someone, I am into them with such intensity and focus that I could and would not want to divert that to someone else.

I wish I could, but I cannot do the level of kink that I do with just anyone. Believe me, I wish I was wired that way, but it is not for me.

I also do not believe in sharing partners, have zero interest in multiples or poly and only want someone who feels exactly as I do.

I am not into cheating; I firmly believe if you are cheating, you are lacking something in your relationship and you need to either talk about it or get out of the relationship.

< Message edited by sexyred1 -- 9/13/2010 1:31:05 PM >

(in reply to LadyPact)

Post #: 17

RE: Why did you choose...? - 9/13/2010 1:38:13 PM

SorceressJ

Posts: 2968
Joined: 7/24/2010
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: sexyred1

I am and always have been monogamous. The reason? When I am into someone, I am into them with such intensity and focus that I could and would not want to divert that to someone else.

I wish I could, but I cannot do the level of kink that I do with just anyone. Believe me, I wish I was wired that way, but it is not for me.

I also do not believe in sharing partners, have zero interest in multiples or poly and only want someone who feels exactly as I do.

I am not into cheating; I firmly believe if you are cheating, you are lacking something in your relationship and you need to either talk about it or get out of the relationship.

{{{THIS}}}

_____________________________

‎Sic gorgiamus allos subjectatos nunc. <93>)O(

(in reply to sexyred1)

Post #: 18

RE: Why did you choose...? - 9/13/2010 3:20:14 PM

mstrjx

Posts: 2045
Joined: 11/27/2005
Status: offline

I'm monogamous. The closest thing I've ever been to 'not' was having two first dates scheduled for the same day. Even that made me very nervous.

I have not been fortunate to have any 'forever' relationships. Either I entered relationships that were doomed to fail because I was 'settling' and eventually I ended it, or because the other person thought that I wasn't going to be the 'forever' person.

We've had the 'settling' thread not too long ago, so there's not much point in elaborating there.

I'm trying to think of a snappy quippy 'feel-good' ending, but there isn't one to be had on such short notice.

Jeff

_____________________________

Know thyself. It's the best gift you can ever give yourself.

(in reply to SorceressJ)

Post #: 19

RE: Why did you choose...? - 9/13/2010 4:58:16 PM

BurntKitty

Posts: 3340
Joined: 9/7/2010
From: Here To Eternity.
Status: offline

I am monogamous because when I'm in a committed relationship, I am committed to that person only. On a lighter note, there are times I can't remember the cats' names, how the heck would I remember multiple partners' names?

(in reply to mstrjx)

Post #: 20

Page: [1] 2 next > >>

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Submissive >> Why did you choose...?

Page: [1] 2 next > >>

Jump to:

New Messages	No New Messages
Hot Topic w/ New Messages	Hot Topic w/o New Messages
Locked w/ New Messages	Locked w/o New Messages

Post New Thread

Reply to Message

Post New Poll

Submit Vote

Delete My Own Post

Delete My Own Thread

Rate Posts

Collarchat.com © 2025

Terms of Service

0.078