RE: Why did you choose...? (Full Version)

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lizi -> RE: Why did you choose...? (9/13/2010 5:08:04 PM)

I am monogamous and I search out monogamous partners- it's a hard and immovable limit for me. I tend to feel very intensely about the man I'm with, and as a result I need to feel as though I am his one and only. That in turn enables me to go farther into new territory and experience a deeper tie to him.

It's necessary for me to have monogamy as the foundation for my relationship in order to completely submit to someone. If I feel that he is looking for others, then I in turn hold something back within myself - as protection maybe, I'm not really sure. I do know in order for me to feel at peace and grow in a relationship I need to know that I am the only one he wants. I also make sure he knows that the door is always open. If I am NOT the one he wants I'd prefer he go instead of living a lie by staying with me.



kiwisub12 -> RE: Why did you choose...? (9/13/2010 6:12:49 PM)

This  question strikes a definite cord with me. For the last couple of months i have been seeking my dominant. To that effect i have essentially been having a relationship with several different men, none of which intersected with each other, and really , each completely different from the others.  I was enjoying myself, and favoured no-one over the others.

That changed - i have feelings for one, and find the idea of playing with the others .... less than comfortable.  So, to make myself comfortable, i have been informing the others that i am now in a exclusive relationship, with a man i admire and enjoy, and maybe something else.

I really thought i could have them all, with no ill effects with anyone, since i was getting something different from each. In a way, its a real pisser, because i was having fun, and frequently.    But , alas, no more. *grins*

Like many other concepts, poly sounded great to me until i found the one. Like bisexuality, i loved the idea but the actual thing wasn't what i could handle. Damn my upbringing/cultural bias/religious background/whateveritisthatmakesmethisway.



Aynne88 -> RE: Why did you choose...? (9/13/2010 6:34:14 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: HisEvelyn

As I've been exploring the world of kink with my Master and reading the many experiences of people here, I've learned about so many different facets of relationships. Monogamous, polyamorous, group relationships, etc. It's truly broadened my horizons on the many ways people can interact and choose to co-exist with one another. And it brings a curiosity to my mind.

I post this here in Ask a Sub because I am myself a sub, but I welcome responses from everyone, on both sides of the kneel.

For those of you who have chosen to be in a monogamous, one-on-one relationship (either hetero or gay), such as I have, what was it that made you choose that path? If you were once in it just for the fun and the play scenes, what was it that made you decide to stick with one particular person? Was it that person specifically? Was it a desire for deeper intimacy with another soul?

For those of you who only play for fun, why do you choose to keep it on such a lighthearted level? Why do you choose to disassociate love from kink, if that is what you do? Or do you perhaps love some of your play partners, but choose not to pursue something more? Why is that?

For the poly/group households, how does it work? I know good communication and such, but on a more personal level, how does it feed your soul and your needs to have more than one lover/partner/playfriend?

As I continue on the very twisty path of my own sexuality and growing love of kink, I read so much about how people operate, how they use kink in their lives on so many levels. And I find myself wanting to understand it. I accept that such is the way it is. Now I'm a little more curious as to how people arrived at their own personal choice. What happened, how does your particular mind/heart work to bring you to this place where you choose a particular style of relationship? Not so much a 'how did you find kink', but more of a 'why did you choose the particular niche of kink relationship that you did'.

I hope I'm making myself clear on what I am asking, and please know I am not looking to judge anyone for their choices. I'm just a highly curious sort and I like to try and understand other points of view, other ways to see things. I would be very grateful for any responses, and thank you in advance for sharing personal stories or opinions.

Great questions. I chose a man that is Dominant, and he set the parameters. Monogamy, no threesomes with girls even, which I miss at times, and very very jealous. No "playing" either, especially public. John does not believe that what we do is play nor is it public. He is a sexual sadist and our private times are private, always. I am shocked at how well this works for me and makes our relationship so much more incredible. I didnt think this would work and it is better than I thought and I am completely fulfilled.



HisEvelyn -> RE: Why did you choose...? (9/13/2010 7:53:52 PM)

Thank you so much to everyone who has responded so far, for all of your answers in all their myriad colors and flavors. It's incredibly enlightening to me to learn about how others view things and come into their place in life and relationships. Many of the answers have resonated with me in some way, or helped me come to an understanding I didn't have before.

I too also feel as though I am wired to be monogomous, though I've occasionally had poly fantasies. Any experimentation I did in my younger years with poly situations did not feel right to me. It's comforting in some way to know that many others share the feeling that they are simply 'wired that way'. I really do wonder how much of that is cultural, how we were raised, and how much is personal wiring.

I can also see the viewpoint of those who enjoy a poly situation. Having different people fulfill different needs/wants, and caring for these people all, albeit in different ways, is fascinating. I'm very happy you found such a situation that works for you. Sometimes I also feel as though more than one person fulfills needs in me, though that doesn't really cross into intimacy on a romantic/relationship/sexual level. I've always personally been satisfied by one person in that regard.

Thank you again to everyone who is contributing. I look forward to reading more replies!



daddysliloneds -> RE: Why did you choose...? (9/14/2010 5:20:50 AM)


quote:

For those of you who only play for fun, why do you choose to keep it on such a lighthearted level? Why do you choose to disassociate love from kink, if that is what you do? Or do you perhaps love some of your play partners, but choose not to pursue something more? Why is that?


i love sex, i love bdsm; i do not have to love someone to enjoy either of these things with them, yet, i do love some of my play partners. the reasons why i prefer to play than to have a relationship is because it's a whole lot less complicated this way and i don't need the drama.

i already know i'll be alone for the rest of my life, so why try to fool myself into believing that it will be any other way. in a relationship, if i'm giving myself 100% to someone, i expect the same in return; perhaps my expectations are too high.

so, in light of the fact that i've yet to find someone, who in the end is really being honest with me most of the time, i choose to bottom, no emotional attachment necessary to get my needs met, no deferring, no submitting, no problems. each party walks away happy and with their needs met.



COINT -> RE: Why did you choose...? (9/14/2010 5:52:31 AM)

I chose poly because I want to serve as many Women as I can. I am a Female Supremacist and wish to live under the rule of an (albeit micro) society of Women



IrishMist -> RE: Why did you choose...? (9/14/2010 6:37:21 AM)

quote:

For those of you who have chosen to be in a monogamous, one-on-one relationship (either hetero or gay), such as I have, what was it that made you choose that path?

My past relationship, while monogamous on MY part, was open on his. It was not something that was 'chosen' but rather something that was discussed and compromised upon between the two of us.
quote:

For the poly/group households, how does it work? I know good communication and such, but on a more personal level, how does it feed your soul and your needs to have more than one lover/partner/playfriend?

Even though I never participated in more than one relationship at a time; he did. And yes, it 'fed my soul' to know that he was happy. That was enough for me.
quote:

Now I'm a little more curious as to how people arrived at their own personal choice. What happened, how does your particular mind/heart work to bring you to this place where you choose a particular style of relationship? Not so much a 'how did you find kink', but more of a 'why did you choose the particular niche of kink relationship that you did'.

That is complicated to answer. It took me a long time to understand why I am the way I am, and it's not something that I can summarize in a short time.

We each arrive at a certain destination through the various twists and turns that make up our life. I have found that trying to 'find the answers' is a way to limit my thinking. Instead, I just follow where the road takes me. If I am happy at the end, then the choices made were good ones.




tiggerspoohbear -> RE: Why did you choose...? (9/14/2010 6:42:25 AM)

I tried the poly route for the sake of my first Dom.  I was stupid enough to believe him when I was told that if things didn't work out, she'd be the one to go.  I did it to please him.  Yes, I'm bi-sexual but I can do without.  And then she started pitting one against the other, making up full-blown lies about me and he chose to believe her over me.  I had 7 months with him, she had less than one. 

When she asked me to run off with her, I refused, she knew I would never leave him voluntarily.  So she went after him knowing he had no such compuction.  I came back home one day from an appointment to find him out.  After about 9 hrs, and a close friend's help who also knew him, I found that he'd left me and was now living with her.

They tore my heart to shreds and then played the terror/stalking game with me for over 2 months because they knew how it would affect my mental health.

Any Dom I've been with since has been told from the very beginning that if he's not willing to go monogamous, it's a non-start.  I don't trust very many women as I've seen too much back-stabbing and seeing the claws come out.  That's not in my nature and I don't ever want to be like that.

Luckily, Tigger is in complete agreement with me and doesn't want to share what's his, as I don't want to share him.  I'm monogamous and that won't change.  Poly did irreperable damage to me, and I don't need the mental health issues popping to the surface again.  Wondering why I'm not enough, why I become the old toy compared to the shiny new one, why my feelings were set aside because the new sub "needed to be made to feel good about this".  Well, i needed all those things too and they were taken away without my knowledge or approval.   



leadership527 -> RE: Why did you choose...? (9/14/2010 10:39:57 AM)

~fast reply~
Of course, based upon the science show I just watched last night, it's possible that in the near future there'll be "home monogamy kits". *laughs* (OK, I made up the home kit thing). At least tentatively, they're thinking that higher levels of vasopressin in the brain triggers pair bonding behavior. I can see it now. "Gee Bob. I really like you. But before we have sex, I need to know if you're going to hang around in the morning so would you mind peeing into this cup?"

Actually, it was kind of interesting to see how little of our courtship and reproductive behavior is left to chance. Hell, an awful lot of it isn't even available for conscious scrutiny.... well... unless you've found yourself recently saying, "Wow, that guy smells like he'd have a great immune system to complement mine!" It was also interesting to see how mistaken some of our notions about biology and gender is.

~Jeff



peacefulplace -> RE: Why did you choose...? (9/14/2010 11:03:33 AM)

I am monogamous as a sub in my current relationship. I hope to always be that way. It has less to do with jealousy and more to do with a dominant personality trait I have--introverted. I simply cannot give to or accept more from more than one Dom. Likewise, another submissive would not work in this dynamic because I would feel drained by ensuring that her needs were met. It's sensory overload for me. It cannot work for me.

I do not judge those who are poly because their personalities are simply different than mine.



phoenixmoonn13 -> RE: Why did you choose...? (9/15/2010 12:28:57 AM)

i am hard-wired monogamous and straight and when i am committed to a person then i am totally committed to them the thought of seeing or even being on line with another is totally not somthing i could even think of. master however is poly because he respects my feelings in this he wont take another in rl he is more than happy to do this. he does ahve temp online slaves but they are told form the outset there will be no rl and if they push it they will be released i know who they are and am often there when he is online.



SpyUnderCover -> RE: Why did you choose...? (9/15/2010 5:58:55 PM)

I don't feel like I was "wired" one way or the other, but I prefer polyamory. I have the ability to feel romantic love and sexual desire for more than one person at a time, and I like having the freedom to express those feelings in an open, honest, and respectful way. I suppose it dovetails with my dominant nature, in that I don't want any man telling me what I can or cannot do with my body. Of course communication and negotiation are paramount. I don't need a revolving door on my bedroom; but I also don't want the door slammed shut.

I have sometimes played in a lighthearted, casual way, but even those instances included an element of sexual attraction for me. In the long term I prefer to be in D/s relationships that involve romantic/sexual love and commitment. And I do believe I can be deeply committed to more than one person concurrently.

Spy



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