new-ish slave with problems, experienced doms and subs please help

new-ish slave with problems, experienced doms and subs please help (Full Version)

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion

Message

sweetnymph1125 -> new-ish slave with problems, experienced doms and subs please help (9/14/2010 11:29:22 PM)
ok, so i'm not very new to this, i've been owned for 2 years now, but i'm STILL having problems submitting and obeying. i want to know if it's just me or if maybe Master is doing something wrong/could be doing more to get me to be more submissive. see, i have a dilemma. i'm into REALLY KINKY THINGS, a lot of kinky things and Master isn't. so i asked Him if maybe i could talk to doms online who could tell me to do kinky things and whatnot, like a cyber dom or something, and He said no. i only want an online dom-like-person so that i can get all my sexual frustrations out and be more submissive because the kinkier things we do, the more submissive i am. if we go a while without doing anything kinky, like flogging, spanking, etc, i get...bratty and i feel like a girlfriend, not a slave, and Master then treats me like a gf but expects me to act like a slave. but doing kinky things puts me into that slave mindset, that's why i want a cyber dom. ugh i'm so confused. i'm happy with Master and i love Him and i'll never leave him, but come on. i need some kink!! is this just me being a bad slave? or do i have a point??

Whenready -> RE: new-ish slave with problems, experienced doms and subs please help (9/14/2010 11:35:37 PM)
I want I want I want I want...... He said no. Have this conversation with him. If he stills says no, accept it or ask for release. Good luck.

SpiritedRadiance -> RE: new-ish slave with problems, experienced doms and subs please help (9/14/2010 11:43:30 PM)
Look Sit down and talk with your partner, Take the whiney brat I want attitude and CHUCK IT. your 19. GROW up and act like it. Talk to your partner say use I statements Not you wont statements I feel unfulfilled when we dont do kink for a long time I feel like you are not fulfilling my needs when it comes to kink I feel when we do kinky play im put in a more submissive mindset. I feel that when you deny kinky play that you want a more vanilla relationship you dont need another dom you need to talk to your dom into fulfilling your needs. If he says no then you have to choose, do you want the kink or your partner.

dreamerdreaming -> RE: new-ish slave with problems, experienced doms and subs please help (9/14/2010 11:50:45 PM)
He's too vanilla for you. He's doing an old-fashioned vanilla type of domination like our great- grandparents had, or like in the Bible. That's not enough for you. You need more. The two of you aren't the best match. Stay in an unfulfilling relationship or go and let the both of you find someone who suits you, but don't whine about it. You're wasting time. Sometimes love means letting go. Don't you both deserve to be with someone whose needs and desires fit together well with your own? Stop wasting time- his and yours. Neither of you will get the time back.

CrispinC -> RE: new-ish slave with problems, experienced doms and subs please help (9/15/2010 12:21:04 AM)
quote: i'm happy with Master and i love Him and i'll never leave him, but come on. i need some kink!! "I'll never leave," is usually what we say right after we've decided we're leaving but before we come to terms with the decision. He's probably a swell guy and a real prince among men, but you're bored sexually, the situation is intractable and you've already decided to move on. In the words of the Violent Femmes "It's gone daddy gone, the love is gone."

LanceHughes -> RE: new-ish slave with problems, experienced doms and subs please help (9/15/2010 1:12:52 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: CrispinC quote: i'm happy with Master and i love Him and i'll never leave him, but come on. i need some kink!! "I'll never leave," is usually what we say right after we've decided we're leaving but before we come to terms with the decision. He's probably a swell guy and a real prince among men, but you're bored sexually, the situation is intractable and you've already decided to move on. In the words of the Violent Femmes "It's gone daddy gone, the love is gone." Quoted for TRUTH. I'll copy in my tag-line that applies. (Should I ever change tag-line, it will still show here.) "Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer, but wish we didn't." Erica Jong Get it? You KNOW the answer, so stop asking us and get on with it. Do you need suggestions to "get on with it"? First, a REAL good cry as soon as you admit it to yourself. Then google "50 ways to leave your lover."

allthatjaz -> RE: new-ish slave with problems, experienced doms and subs please help (9/15/2010 1:22:16 AM)
I dont think your being a whiney brat and I don't think you need to grow up either. These boards were made for questions like yours and I personally think your very brave to come here. You brought up something thats actually very important within the BDSM lifestyle and that is, just because your submissive or Dominant, doesn't mean your necessarily kinky too. In all the years I have been in this lifestyle and its a lot of years, I have never considered this. People wrongly assume that to be a dominant or submissive we must be exciting and adventurous in bed too. Of course he's not too vanilla! the guy knows about dominance and wants to be a dominant. He understands submission and wants you as his submissive. Vanilla = not into this lifestyle or unaware of this lifestyle. Vanilla could = people who are into gang-bangs, people who are into wildly kinky sex but are just not into domination, submission or pain. I agree with the others that say you need to talk to him. Is he revolted by kinky things? could he be afraid or embarrassed? If he gets off on the mental side there's something going on in that head of his that he's not outwardly sharing. Did he just get into the dominance side of things because he knew you had an interest? if so, then I would say that he probably happier as a vanilla but is just trying to please you. Are you dominating him into trying to please you? This is about the both of you but if your not getting what YOU need from this relationship, then its time it was dissected and remedied. You shouldn't just be prepared to put up and shut up because all that is going to lead to is unhappiness on your part. I see nothing selfish about what you have written. I see frustration and someone who is trying to find a solution. Don't let people send you on a guilt trip. At 19 you haven't had the experience that many of us old timers have. This is the start of what should be a long and beautiful journey and hopefully that's going to be with him but you have a lot of talking to do and a lot of listening too.

ranja -> RE: new-ish slave with problems, experienced doms and subs please help (9/15/2010 1:58:42 AM)
I am with allthatjaz it is important that your man knows you need kink... it is tricky to get your needs across clearly without him feeling you are demanding stuff... but you have to find a way 'cos if you are not clear and polite, he will not know or be offended and that is not good. It is most important that you find a way that is satisfactory for both of you i do not think you are any more selfish than anybody else. a cyber dom worked for me for a while... i stumbled across one accidentally and got quite involved... it was an enormous help and a very hot trip... it caused some 'friction' when i came clean about it to my Husband eventually, but without this experience i do not know how my marriage would have survived ETA you say you are "really into kinky things"... does that mean that the kinky things are soooo kinky that you are embarrassed to ask for them? ... that you would rather that your man would just miraculously suggest these things or 'force' you to do these things? That has been my problem for a long long time... only when i got over my own embarrassment and 'manned up' to being honest(ish) with my Husband did things become better for us... (there are no perfect superman lovers out there, none of them can read your mind)

Focus50 -> RE: new-ish slave with problems, experienced doms and subs please help (9/15/2010 2:53:07 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: sweetnymph1125 ok, so i'm not very new to this, i've been owned for 2 years now, but i'm STILL having problems submitting and obeying. i want to know if it's just me or if maybe Master is doing something wrong/could be doing more to get me to be more submissive. see, i have a dilemma. i'm into REALLY KINKY THINGS, a lot of kinky things and Master isn't. so i asked Him if maybe i could talk to doms online who could tell me to do kinky things and whatnot, like a cyber dom or something, and He said no. i only want an online dom-like-person so that i can get all my sexual frustrations out and be more submissive because the kinkier things we do, the more submissive i am. if we go a while without doing anything kinky, like flogging, spanking, etc, i get...bratty and i feel like a girlfriend, not a slave, and Master then treats me like a gf but expects me to act like a slave. but doing kinky things puts me into that slave mindset, that's why i want a cyber dom. ugh i'm so confused. i'm happy with Master and i love Him and i'll never leave him, but come on. i need some kink!! is this just me being a bad slave? or do i have a point?? Yep, you have a BIG point...! It's called Power Exchange - Dom and sub mutually complementing each other's unique needs. A D/s dynamic is about a submissive submitting to a Dominant who dominates. Cause: He's not dominating = you submitting to a vacuum. Consequence: You act out from frustration (subconsciously) hoping to initiate a dominant response. What you have is a bad fit for each other. The cyber dom thing just isn't gonna happen because that would force him to concede personal inadequacies. Doubt even a dopey vanilla would agree to his g/f looking elsewhere under those circumstances, incl online only. Doms lead and take charge; subs follow and take direction. You're lost because he's not leading - it's THAT simple. You need a Dominant - the "real deal" variety. What you have is a vanilla who's discovered he can't do the "kink thing" anymore because it's not who he is. He's tried, now he's tired of it; it was always just roleplay for him. Accept it or prepare for lingering relationship death. But welcome to the Boards nonetheless. And nice puppies, btw.... Focus.

Rule -> RE: new-ish slave with problems, experienced doms and subs please help (9/15/2010 3:05:29 AM)
Your profile is rather empty. Why are you a slave?

wittynamehere -> RE: new-ish slave with problems, experienced doms and subs please help (9/15/2010 3:11:40 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: dreamerdreaming He's too vanilla for you. He's doing an old-fashioned vanilla type of domination like our great- grandparents had, or like in the Bible. That's not enough for you. You need more. The two of you aren't the best match. Stay in an unfulfilling relationship or go and let the both of you find someone who suits you, but don't whine about it. You're wasting time. Sometimes love means letting go. Don't you both deserve to be with someone whose needs and desires fit together well with your own? Stop wasting time- his and yours. Neither of you will get the time back. These are my thoughts too.

DarkSteven -> RE: new-ish slave with problems, experienced doms and subs please help (9/15/2010 4:42:49 AM)
You're 19 and new to the world of dating and relationships. The problem is that you love the man but cannot stand the relationship itself, and you cannot have the one without the other. You told him that you need more kink. He said no. He's your master and has the right to do so. You as a slave can leave but there's not much else that you can do. But your profile states that the two of you are looking for another female for threesomes. ??? - if he can't give you the kink you need, why are the two of you looking for another sub who will likely also be unfulfilled? And why not look for a Domme so you can get topped while he still gets what he wants?

IrishMist -> RE: new-ish slave with problems, experienced doms and subs please help (9/15/2010 5:31:00 AM)
quote: i want to know if it's just me or if maybe Master is doing something wrong/could be doing more to get me to be more submissive. You are not looking for advice. You are looking for a way to place blame. For others to say to you ' you are right, he is wrong.' You asked. He said no. Now you are pissed, so you come here with your complaint hoping that everyone will back you and condemn him. Not very mature if you ask me. Instead of complaining about HIS faults, and demanding things that you think you NEED, perhaps instead you should sit down with him and discuss this. Despite the fantasy, relationships are about compromise.

Kana -> RE: new-ish slave with problems, experienced doms and subs please help (9/15/2010 5:34:24 AM)
Personally, I think it's rather selfish of a Master to keep a slave whose needs he can't/won't/chooses not to fulfill. And yes, I have been in this situation and am speaking from experience. I had a gal once who liked extreme breath play, as in turning blue and passing out. I like edge play, and I like playing hard, but I also won't go to jail for anything (This was around the time of the preppy murder case, where his defense was the couple was involved in hard core sex including breath play that got outta hand) so that's a bit further than I care to go. When we started playing together, her fetish was still nascent, but as the intensity of our interactions grew, so did her desire to push boundaries, and envelopes. It happens, people change in relationships, as do their needs/wants/desires. The question I have to ask myself is whether a place can be found that is mutually acceptable to both parties. In the case of the breath play gal, I couldn't, so, after a lot of thought and talking, I set her free. On the flip side, I am in a relationship now with a lovely piece of meat. She's terrific in almost every way, but I like to dish out a bit more than she can take. As I am a really hard core player, this happens to me kinda frequently and I've learned to deal with it.In this case, I just shifted gears a bit, went from hard core pain play into different levels of D/S, moved into some serious mind games and strict levels of control and ownership. Now I'm happy, she's acceptably miserable (Laughs) and things are wonderful. It's really not that difficult, as long as both parties communicate, are willing to be a bit flexible, communicate, and did I mention communicate.

poise -> RE: new-ish slave with problems, experienced doms and subs please help (9/15/2010 7:29:01 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: sweetnymph1125 i only want an online dom-like-person so that i can get all my sexual frustrations out and be more submissive because the kinkier things we do, the more submissive i am. if we go a while without doing anything kinky, like flogging, spanking, etc, i get...bratty and i feel like a girlfriend, not a slave, and Master then treats me like a gf but expects me to act like a slave. but doing kinky things puts me into that slave mindset, that's why i want a cyber dom. You claim that you have been a slave to master for 2 years now, but that you are having difficulty "getting into" the mind set without the kink. Does this mean the relationhip has flourished in all other areas, or have you been faking the mind set all along? How will being kinky with another man, whether in real time or cyber, help you to get into a better slave mindset with your master? I believe that will only illuminate the fact that you arent getting this from the one you committed yourself to, and you will grow to resent him more. The fact that you somehow managed to ask your master for permission for an online dom shows that you are at least having some form of communication about this, but I think you may have left out a few pages.

DesFIP -> RE: new-ish slave with problems, experienced doms and subs please help (9/15/2010 8:01:54 AM)
It is unfortunate when you just aren't compatible in a couple of very important arenas. It doesn't matter that you are compatible in some others, here you have opposite needs. Has he said if kink just turns him off or is he afraid of harming you since he isn't experienced? Because there are ways to safely learn the skills if that's the problem. However I would ask him if he's okay with spanking you. No floggers, no crops, no paddles, just his bare hand. It's easiest to learn that. Just hit the bottom half of your bottom and he can't do any real harm. Should he want to learn, then you have a chance. If he doesn't, then you get to decide if you can do without kink or not.

Scala -> RE: new-ish slave with problems, experienced doms and subs please help (9/15/2010 8:46:13 AM)
Hi sweetnymph, "kink" as you call it , is often what drives the submission and for some its needed in the relationship. I too need this. My primary wish is always to please and serve Mistress but from time to time I need to "feel" her presence on a different level than the Vanilla interaction that is there most of the time. I think that there is nothing wrong with that as it feels odd (at least to me ) serving and submitting to a partner that only displays vanilla traits. I think that even though he has said no to your initial question , looking for an online Dom is not the answer. My advice would be to approach him again and emphasis how important this is to you and that you would like to find a compromise by exploring potential kinks that he would find enjoyable as well. I wish you success Scala

LadyPact -> RE: new-ish slave with problems, experienced doms and subs please help (9/15/2010 9:48:13 AM)
It isn't exactly uncommon for someone to not want the person they share a dynamic with to be involved with somebody else, even on line. That's called monogamy. There are a lot of people out there who engage in no form of BDSM or sex with another person outside of the relationship. You are asking him if you can be poly in a loosely translated sense. He said no. I fully support his right to do so. However, that still leaves you with a serious incompatibility problem. It could very well be that your wants for kink (btw, they really are wants, not needs) are higher than his. Very much like couples who have different desires for frequency of sex. When you get one person who wants sex three times a week and the other person is satisfied with one time a month, there can be some real issues with that. Hopefully, people can compromise and meet somewhere in the middle to where both can be happy. If the compromise can't happen because you either can't get close enough to the other's preference for both to be happy, you then have to look at which of your wants that is more important to you. Is the kink more important than the dynamic that you have with him? Only you can answer that question and procede to make decisions based upon that. I don't want to be so quick as to jump the gun and take up the banner of leave him. At the same time, you are nineteen years old. That is the time of your life that you should be trying the things that you want to do and exploring all of the things that you think would be fun. If you've been with this person for two years, you haven't really had the opportunity to do that yet. It might be something that you would like to do.

leadership527 -> RE: new-ish slave with problems, experienced doms and subs please help (9/15/2010 10:53:18 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: sweetnymph1125 is this just me being a bad slave? or do i have a point?? It's both. Yes, you are being what I'd think of as a "bad slave" FOR HIM. That is to say, you are not following the lead he's set. conversely, he is being a "bad master" FOR YOU. He is unable apparently to provide for something which you class as a need. So, now that we know you're both being bad for each other (at least in this aspect), the real question is "What are you going to do about it?" I only see a few choices. Keep things as they are and get comfortable with it. Keep things as they are and be unhappy about it. One or both of you changes You two separate and find partners that can fill each other's needs. I think the two of you are going to need to pick from those choices which means you'll need to have a discussion.

jujubeeMB -> RE: new-ish slave with problems, experienced doms and subs please help (9/15/2010 12:59:11 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: leadership527 So, now that we know you're both being bad for each other (at least in this aspect), the real question is "What are you going to do about it?" I only see a few choices. Keep things as they are and get comfortable with it. Keep things as they are and be unhappy about it. One or both of you changes You two separate and find partners that can fill each other's needs. I think the two of you are going to need to pick from those choices which means you'll need to have a discussion. This. Personally, I can't imagine staying with a Dom who wasn't making me feel very submissive. What's the point?

Page: [1] 2 next > >>

Collarchat.com © 2025

Terms of Service

0.046875