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Getting back together? - 9/15/2010 3:29:16 AM   
CrispinC


Posts: 32
Joined: 9/14/2010
Status: offline 		Yesterday I was speaking with an ex who was making overtures about the prospects of getting back together.  I explained that our relationship had been sort of like the movie Wall Street.  It had been pretty okay.  A little overblown.  A few too many over-the-top gotcha! type zingers.  It hadn't lived up to its potential but it had been pretty and sort of intriguing though it dragged a bit at times.  In general, I'd classify it as "Memorable though flawed."  But if we got back together, that would likely turn out like Wall Street II...contrived, preposterous, flailing, a big budget flop possibly involving a motorcycle chase.  Nobody has the energy for all that, least of all me.

Right.  So anyway, after the conversation it occurred to me that I've always attached a special stigma to the whole "Getting back together" shtick.  I don't like sequels.  I don't like band reunions.  I don't like when couples do it.  I didn't like A Very Brady Christmas.  So I wonder how other people feel about the idea of getting back together with exes.  Am I in the minority thinking it's just inherently a bad idea, or do other people agree with me that re-dating is generally just a bad idea in principle?


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RE: Getting back together? - 9/15/2010 3:40:12 AM   
mstrjx


Posts: 2045
Joined: 11/27/2005
Status: offline 		The answer is probably 'no', but let's examine 'why'.

If (in any relationship between any two people) you are the one doing the original breaking off, you are doing so for tangible reasons. Have those issues changed, or would you expect them to change in the near term? Would your outlook on these stumbling blocks change? I'm guessing not, but your mileage may vary.

Now, if you were the one that was broken off from, and you are being asked to start back up again, your first reaction might be to re-engage in that relationship. Presumably you were the happy one the first time around, and this would be your second chance at ensuring that this relationship works.

But think about my first 'if', now from her perspective. Have you altered your appearance/behavior/whatever such that you are now a better fit for her? Or maybe her outlook on whatever caused to break things off with you have changed.

One more thing to ponder. If you were the one 'dumped' to begin with and it came out of the blue, you might have felt some sort of emotional trauma because you might not have seen it coming. Knowing that it is possible that the issues that caused the breakup in the first place still exist, there is a decent probability that she will tire of those issues again and break up again. Can you live with that trauma a second time (with the same person)?

My thoughts.

Jeff

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RE: Getting back together? - 9/15/2010 3:50:01 AM   
CrispinC


Posts: 32
Joined: 9/14/2010
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quote:

One more thing to ponder. If you were the one 'dumped' to begin with and it came out of the blue, you might have felt some sort of emotional trauma because you might not have seen it coming. Knowing that it is possible that the issues that caused the breakup in the first place still exist, there is a decent probability that she will tire of those issues again and break up again. Can you live with that trauma a second time (with the same person)?


Interesting. Interesting.  Strokes chin, makes significant sounding grunting and humming noises.

I think that I would add to the list of complications the uncertainty regarding whether another person can ever really "change" or whether they're only adapting as superficially as possible to try to be desirable in your eyes again.  Assuming you're the one who did the dumping, you always have to question whether the other person is just butt-hurt from the stigma of getting dumped and trying to get back in your good graces to prove that they can.  Crispin's First Principle of Human Nature:  People are usually irredeemable bastards who rarely "change" on a deep level but often get more cunning at covering up their flaws.

That may really be most of the stigma I attach to getting back together.  I just assume that the odds of someone really changing are small, the odds at them getting cagier about covering up the things that made you dump them in the first place are strong.




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RE: Getting back together? - 9/15/2010 4:05:18 AM   
dreamerdreaming


Posts: 2839
Status: offline 		I wouldn't go back to something that hadn't been mind-blowingly beautiful in the first place. Then it would be worth it. I wouldn't go back if it had just been okay.

And its as you say, OP. Most times, if you go back you'll be dealing with the same unresolved issues- and neither of you will have changed- or be willing or able to change- enough to make it together.

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RE: Getting back together? - 9/15/2010 4:41:31 AM   
mistoferin


Posts: 8284
Joined: 10/27/2004
Status: offline 		Exes are exes for a reason.

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RE: Getting back together? - 9/15/2010 4:55:51 AM   
BentUnit


Posts: 897
Status: offline 		When haven't I thought about my ex-Master and toyed with the possibility of getting back with him.
After all he was the one who discovered the sub in me and climbed so deeply into my psyche during our time together that it's so difficult to find gratification without triggering the mental cues he built into my sexuality.

Meh.....I was the quintessential slow boiling frog....here was a man who knew what he wanted and he was so freaking intelligent, vicious, cutting, caustic and utterly scathing of "lesser" mortals and their failings and not for one min. forgiving of public failings.
The joys of a Mensa level intellect who despised the institution.
I found myself, a Dominant female, falling in, more often than not with his opinion.  Swayed by his reason, his passion and his sheer  sexual energy.
I hated to admit I wanted his approval and that it was worth any thing to me.
Sure I had times of enlightenment and become difficult.
His response was to cut off contact and side with what ever opinion or faction I opposed and do it passionately ..punishing me.
And so he climbed under my skin and to this day I am still not over him.
I'm still susceptible to overtures from him..regardless of how badly I believe he has treated me.

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RE: Getting back together? - 9/15/2010 6:47:55 AM   
DomImus


Posts: 2004
Joined: 3/17/2009
Status: offline 		You already appear to have a mindset that is steadfastly against such things so I would not recommend it for you. You didn't really like it the first time - no reason for a second helping. The writing on the wall says it would be doomed to failure no matter what potential it had. Beyond that I do not believe that it is an inherently good or bad idea in general. There are plenty of folks who split up for the wrong reasons just as there are those who hook up for the wrong reasons. I've gone back to the well a couple times. You never really know for sure if you do not try.

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RE: Getting back together? - 9/15/2010 8:38:59 AM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		Unless you have addressed the problems that caused the relationship to fail in the first place, I don't think it's a good idea. Of course my answer is colored by my own experiences. My parents separated and got back together numerous times over five years. For the children, it was an extremely unpleasant experience. If, as adolescents, we answered snarkily, as adolescents are prone to do, and more so when we had already been taught not to trust his protestations that he really was returning, his response was to leave again. He left my mother because of something one of us said, and that was somehow supposed to teach us that he was trustworthy when he said he'd come back. Five years of walking on eggshells doesn't make anyone a happy camper.

So I'm not able to accept someone saying they've changed their mind, because they don't change their behavior.


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RE: Getting back together? - 9/15/2010 9:05:47 AM   
lizi


Posts: 4673
Joined: 2/1/2009
Status: offline 		I don't think it generally works to get back together with an ex. There was a reason why it didn't work before. Maybe my outlook has been tainted by a failed marriage but I hate putting all kinds of work into something that already has strikes against it. I'd almost always rather start with someone new and when problems are encountered along the way....deal with them. Instead of coming right out of the box to deal with the stuff you left behind from last time.

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RE: Getting back together? - 9/15/2010 9:07:12 AM   
Missokyst


Posts: 6041
Joined: 9/9/2006
Status: offline 		I have gotten back together with X's at least twice in my life with a fair amount of success. But I never leave on bad terms or let things get to the point of annoyance. My breakups have always been related to life changes and not on issues of incompatibility and because of this it is easy to keep the lines of communication open.
I think if you left for annoying reasons those things are unlikely to have changed. Or if you left because you were bored.. well.. it sort of takes 2 to make that happen and while one person may have changed that does not garauntee the other has. Boring will always be boring.

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RE: Getting back together? - 9/15/2010 9:41:23 AM   
juliaoceania


Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline
quote:

I didn't like A Very Brady Christmas.  So I wonder how other people feel about the idea of getting back together with exes.


I have tried it, and do not regret the attempt. We still had stuff to do together on the path of life. I would have missed some important lessons and experiences had I not reconciled with him on a couple of occasions. When it is over for you, though, it is over for you. There is no "right" or "wrong" here, it just is how different people view the world.

There may come a time when one particular person comes along, and then for some reason it does not work out at that particular place and time only to find that it may work out later. In my opinion, if there is a chance that you could find happiness with a past lover, and you turned them down because of the past alone (depending on what that past was like) they weren't someone you loved enough to try again for.

I love deeply, loyally, and I don't give up all that easily. I am also forgiving up to a certain extent, and I accept people for who they are and not what I want them to be...

I do not know why you care about minorities or majorities... we are talking individual experiences here. I could give a rat's ass if other people found value in trying one more time, the only value that matters is what I found by doing so.

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RE: Getting back together? - 9/15/2010 1:39:04 PM   
hertz


Posts: 1315
Joined: 8/7/2010
Status: offline 		If you believe people can't change, then re-dating is a bad idea. BTW, I love the term 're-dating'.

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RE: Getting back together? - 9/15/2010 2:13:07 PM   
pahunkboy


Posts: 33061
Joined: 2/26/2006
From: Central Pennsylvania
Status: offline 		do you have anything better going on?

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RE: Getting back together? - 9/15/2010 5:07:03 PM   
littlewonder


Posts: 15659
Status: offline 		imo if it didn't work the first time what's to make people think it will work a second time??

Sure it works out a second time for some but I think it's a very small minority.

I don't do reruns, repeats or leftovers.

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RE: Getting back together? - 9/15/2010 9:22:00 PM   
NuevaVida


Posts: 6707
Joined: 8/5/2008
Status: offline 		If you knew my exes, you'd know the answer was an obvious no, LOL. 

Seriously, no, I would not allow those men back into my life.  I have changed in many ways, and men like that would cross every boundary I have now.

That said, my parents split up for 2 years when I was young, and got back together, staying together until my Dad died in his late 70's.  Then again, it took them several years after getting back together to sort things out well enough to stop arguing so much.


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RE: Getting back together? - 9/16/2010 1:03:32 AM   
Kana


Posts: 6676
Joined: 10/24/2006
Status: offline 		I work on the theory that exes are exes for a reason.
Life is short. Why remake old mistakes when there are so many new mistakes waiting to be made?
Don't make the ex your next, it rarely works.


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RE: Getting back together? - 9/16/2010 1:19:32 AM   
SpiritedRadiance


Posts: 1341
Joined: 3/3/2010
Status: offline 		My relationships ended because either we were incompatible or staying endangered my life.

No I would not go back.


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RE: Getting back together? - 9/16/2010 2:15:22 AM   
Toppingfrmbottom


Posts: 6528
Joined: 6/7/2009
Status: offline 		Depends on why they broke up. There's a few people I'd date again, and then there's some that hell no I'd be insane please admit me to the hospital ASAP to get involved with again.

Wonderful uses of movie critiqs an stuff tho.
quote:

ORIGINAL: CrispinC
So I wonder how other people feel about the idea of getting back together with exes.  Am I in the minority thinking it's just inherently a bad idea, or do other people agree with me that re-dating is generally just a bad idea in principle?



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RE: Getting back together? - 9/16/2010 6:55:04 AM   
LadyRian


Posts: 486
Joined: 9/5/2010
Status: offline 		I don't think re-dating is a bad idea in principle. Sometimes people break up in anger, and realise  when they cool off later that it was a mistake.

Sometimes, however, the reason they were so angry in the first place is a very good one.

When you reach a certain age, though, I think getting into a relationship can be compared to buying a used car- you're getting the problems someone else didn't want to deal with.






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RE: Getting back together? - 9/16/2010 7:25:28 AM   
TheHeretic


Posts: 19100
Joined: 3/25/2007
From: California, USA
Status: offline 		Try just being fuck-buddies for a while, and see how that works out.

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