RE: Uhm... (Full Version)

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sophiesback -> RE: Uhm... (9/16/2010 7:51:37 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: devilangel666

I wanted to tell it to him,but gradually..
I dont want this guy to go and just drop everything he knows to this person I am with..
I am concerned of his reaction..
And what this person knows is not exactly something..
I have problems saying it because I have never actually SAID it to anyone..
Plus ,Im really afraid hell turn his back and leave..
Itd get me hurt..Doesnt matter if its now or later but...
I would prefeer later if I could chose...


What I don't get is......Why would you wish to be with someone you don't think will accept you for who you are? What's done is done. If you don't think this guy can handle your past, or your tastes/preferences, why waste your time?



DisenchantedLife -> RE: Uhm... (9/18/2010 9:08:11 PM)

I want to know too = )



Mistletoe -> RE: Uhm... (9/18/2010 9:18:38 PM)

Sophie, has a great point! Either person 2 will accept you for who you are now and accept the all the things that have made you into who you are today or he will not. Best find out sooner than later. Person 1 only has power over your secret if you allow him to have that power...so don't let him have that power.

So what did you do? Spill the beans....:)



lally2 -> RE: Uhm... (9/19/2010 1:24:07 AM)

i remember having a big secret from someone that eat away at me.  he could tell there was something on my mind and demanded i told him.  i cried and was really upset about it but eventually got the thing out and his reaction was  'oh for FFS - is that all!'

sometimes a persons reaction is totally different to the one youre expecting.

i think though that youre feeling exposed to a stranger and you dont know them well enough to trust them to keep the secret.  you have two options.

tell youre guy everything and hope that he's big enough and grown up enough to acknowledge we all make mistakes.

or speak to this other guy, tell him youre fear, ask him to keep it a secret.

in either case you can then put this away and stop fretting about something in youre past thats gone, and presumably has nothing at all to do with either of them anyway.



ranja -> RE: Uhm... (9/19/2010 3:57:07 AM)

Blackmail is illegal
does he have pictures? or only something you have said?
sometimes we get stuck so deep inside our own little world of embarrassment we think other people might have power over us
if you think they do... they do... if you don't give a fuck, they usually don't,
you have to change your mind about your secrets, think of them as less embarrassing.

also you are under no obligation to tell anyone any secrets, if someone tells personal things about you that you did not want to get out in the open... you can just say they are rude jealous people making stuff up, keep your face straight and lie your ass off, they deserve no better (it is important they do not have proof though)

that said... living a lie is not good, it is advisable to find a way to be honest with the person you want to be in a significant relationship with



lally2 -> RE: Uhm... (9/19/2010 4:14:08 AM)

im curious though - how much of what happens in our past, that is in the past and therefore a private matter needs to be divulged, when does it start to become a lie not to tell someone something that in theory is non of their business.  im sure we all have skeletons, i certainly do, but i dont consider myself lying or keeping things back over stuff that happened before i ever met someone and i certainly dont do a whole 'confessions' thing about every big and little thing ive done that im ashamed of or embarrassed about.

confiding in a stranger is often what people do.  to abuse that confidence makes that other person a total loser and if her now partner cant put all of this into perspective then he should look at himself a bit and be able to honestly say theres nothing in his past that he doesnt regret.

in the end i think it boils down to how much he knows her and cares about her NOW - her past shouldnt cloud that.  unless of course she axe murdered her entire family and fed their remains to the family dog - then we might have an issue here.




crazyml -> RE: Uhm... (9/19/2010 4:18:20 AM)

Hey there,

I was in a similar position once, and like you...

quote:

ORIGINAL: devilangel666
I wanted to tell it to him,but gradually..


I thought I'd be able to tell the truth, but slowly, and in bits.

In my case, it ended up turning into a shitstorm, in which trying to say "I wanted to tell you, but gradually" just didn't cut it with the person concerned.

My sincere advice is to make a clean breast of it.

Good luck.



ranja -> RE: Uhm... (9/19/2010 4:33:47 AM)

indeed
i think we all have secrets, and some of these secrets are of no importance
but then again maybe there are things you should eventually own up to, when things are discussed, when there is an opening... it is a private matter to decide when
it is also a private matter for the other person to decide whether they feel they have been lied to or not, some people understand others get offended

especially fresh into a new relationship i do not think it is good to 'blast' the other person with all these supposed secrets... i would advice to be relaxed and see where things are going, have some fun and enjoyment of eachother rather than drama... though some people get off on the drama



lally2 -> RE: Uhm... (9/19/2010 4:50:49 AM)

yep - in a way doing the whole divulgence thing is just making the whole thing way bigger than it needs to be - since it is her past and should have no relevance to who they are to each other.

i dont happen to get the whole thing about past things that happened way before meeting someone - like previous relationships for instance - we've all had those.

few of us do things without mittigating circumstances.  telling a person about a past thing doesnt give the whole back drop, the reasoning or the state of mind at the time.  sometimes its time and place stuff, an opening comes along and suddenly its the right time to share, if thats what you want to do.

so, maybe the OP should say to her guy that there is something that she shared with this other person and to ask him to ignore anything from this other person until she gets the guts up to talk to him about it herself and that it isnt something he should hear from a third party.  i was in a similar situation a while back, i asked my M not to open the email from this person if it came until id had a chance to talk to him about it and he didnt.  we talked and it all was ok.



crazyml -> RE: Uhm... (9/19/2010 6:29:08 AM)

lally and ranja make some really good points.

I suppose, one thing to ask yourself is - if this person were to find out at a later date - either from you or someone else, would they feel as if you held something back that you should have disclosed?

If a partner of mine kept a secret that she knew would have a significant impact on how I approached the relationship then I'd feel very betrayed when it came out.




CallaFirestormBW -> RE: Uhm... (9/20/2010 4:38:25 AM)

There are some things about me that are likely to impact my current relationships. The fact that I am poly, dominant, and bisexual are things that I believe that the person that I'm with has a right to know. If I'd experimented years ago and discovered that I was straight, monogamous, and neutral, I wouldn't worry about it. I probably wouldn't have remembered or cared about the experiments, and if it did come up later, I would just explain that it was a one-time experiment that didn't work out and I never really thought about it any more (there are a number of things in my history that probably fit into that category). If that wasn't sufficient for someone who said that they -loved- me... well, maybe what they felt for me wasn't love, but something -else-... something that is a lot less tolerant of my humanity than "love" would be.

Calla



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