What attracts us to this lifestyle? (Full Version)

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion



Message

MrMister -> What attracts us to this lifestyle? (4/23/2006 12:02:55 PM)

First, I would like to say that I am truly amazed by all those posting on these boards. Simply amazing the information that can be gathered from strolling around these hallowed halls. Most definitely there are some very remarkable people here!

Anyway, I just wanted to get some input from others here regarding what attracted  you to this lifestyle initially, and/or when did you realize that you were so inclined to partake in things generally deemed 'forbidden' by the society we live in?

Personally, I discovered that I had a propensity to enjoy such activities when the children in my neighborhood use to play various roal-playing games (i.e., cowboys/indians, cops/robbers, etc). Needless to say, I really got quite a kick out of tying the helpless girls up to a tree. I know that may sound whacked out to some here, but hey, kids will and do indeed do some of the darndest things, particularly nowadays. Then a bit later in life (actually high school), I discovered that I had a very deep rooted penchant for black girls. Not because I felt they were an inferior group of people, no, I found them to be quite intoxicating for a myriad of reasons, and still do. Which by the way I've recieved a great deal of flack regarding my choice and preference (even from a few people here on this site).

Alright, sorry for transgressing with my thoughts, but suffice it to say that I am very intrigued by what may have motivated some of you folks here to experience the feelings and passions you now have for things pertaining to this lifestyle. 



gooddogbenji -> RE: What attracts us to this lifestyle? (4/23/2006 12:11:15 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: MrMister
I had a very deep rooted penchant for black girls. Not merely because I felt they were an inferior group of people,


quote:


I've recieved a great deal of flack regarding my choice and preference (even from a few people here on this site).


Pardon my blatant critcism, but the merely implies you felt they are an inferiour group, and nowhere do you say you no longer feel that way.

If you take flack for this, I personally think it is well deserved.  While I feel that black people have as much right to be in this lifestyle, either as Doms or subs, I would like to think we had come far enough to no longer view an entire group as inferiour. 

And yes, I feel the same way about female or male supremacy.

Yours,


benji



MrMister -> RE: What attracts us to this lifestyle? (4/23/2006 12:24:52 PM)

Very interesting benji.

If I do know one thing that is sometimes the written word certainly lends itself to being misunderstood (particularly when I am the one writing), which is apparently what happened here with you. You are indeed mistaken regarding the meaning of the words I used. The simple fact is I have never, and never will, view anyone as being an inferior populace. However, it is a fact of life that is oh too commom, especially in the part of the country I reside.

My choice a preference I thought was clearly stated. Please try not and imply other meanings by picking me apart on my first post here. I need not point out that this is not a very nice welcoming on your behalf.



ScooterTrash -> RE: What attracts us to this lifestyle? (4/23/2006 12:27:26 PM)

To answer this question fairly would require a very complex description of what the lifestyle is and what it means to me personally. To just sum it up in as short a statement as possible, I would have to say that my particular attraction was that it was not mainstream, it did in fact have what appeared to be some structure which explained how being somewhat different in your wants and desires was OK and it was not vanilla, something I had tried on several occasions and didn't want to try it anymore.



gooddogbenji -> RE: What attracts us to this lifestyle? (4/23/2006 12:30:29 PM)

MrMister,

Sorry if there was a misunderstanding, but to me, that is what it sounded like.  If it's not so, that''s a good thing.  Just thought I'd add my viewpoint, which is what this forum is all about.

Yours,


benji



MrMister -> RE: What attracts us to this lifestyle? (4/23/2006 12:35:24 PM)

Thanks benji,  it's cool.

No harm, no foul.



rosanegra -> RE: What attracts us to this lifestyle? (4/23/2006 12:37:48 PM)

I found the lifestyle because of my desire for the deepest most intense love possible. There are many psychological reasons that caused me to want this, but that is what brought me to it. What kept me here is another thing entirely. While I have found love in a few different places, and had one all-consuming deeply moving incredible experience (which ended with the most incredibly crushing emotional pain I've ever felt) it is the fact that I really am a very kinky gal that has drawn me deeper into the lifestyle. I don't consider myself a slave and I know I am not cut out for a couple of things (like 24/7 or polyamory) I do find new things every day that I want to try and/or enjoy. I would like to think I have opened my mind to a lot of new things but I know I've only just begun. We'll see where I am five or ten years from now.. I know I've come a long way in the last few since I started exploring kink with my first boyfriend. 



Tendrgenie -> RE: What attracts us to this lifestyle? (4/23/2006 12:40:08 PM)

As a black female submissive whose Doms have all been white males, your comment makes me mad and then sad.  It has never occurred to me that our relationships may have existed because any of them saw me as a member of an inferior group.  Knowing the individuals I've had relationships/friendships with, I do not believe that was the case.  Since both of them are still friends of mine, I hope that is true. 

I've been in this lifestyle long enough to know that the values and personal beliefs of people here are no different than those of people everywhere.  While our sexual desires and experiences are more expansive than many around us, many on CM and in "the scene" can be just as prejudiced, inflexible, and intolerant as those who condemn our sexual activities.  I think the original question about what attracts us to this lifestyle is a good one.  However, the words about my "inferior group" makes me lose all interest in responding to that original question. 



BitaTruble -> RE: What attracts us to this lifestyle? (4/23/2006 12:47:19 PM)

MrMister,

You need to edit the word 'merely' out of your OP. If it's not what you meant, it is most certainly what you said. It is not the readers who are misunderstanding, it's the writer who was unclear.. that's you. You need to fix it so your meaning is clear instead of coming off as a racist.

Celeste



Proprietrix -> RE: What attracts us to this lifestyle? (4/23/2006 12:54:04 PM)

Introduced to the lifestyle as a kid.
Never had a vanilla relationship.
Have never known anything different than D/s.
To me, it's as normal as putting on my clothes each day.
It's the vanilla folk that seem "different" to me.



MasterandCommand -> RE: What attracts us to this lifestyle? (4/23/2006 12:55:26 PM)

This whole thing is amusing... we have one person talking about what brought him into the lifestyle and a whole bunch others judging him and critizing him becasue of what they think they heard him say... which he didn't and clairified later only to continue to be flamed. HELLO CHILDREN!!! Isn't tolerance of others the main rule in this lifestyle...??? [image]http://www.collarchat.com/micons/m23.gif[/image]

I have had both black and white slaves and I have loved them deeply and truly... I have also been very strict and demanding on them regardless of my feelings... so yes, I agree that the intensity of feelings are far greater in this gandra then vanilla.

As a Dominant, I have found that having control is not only a thrill and a rush, it is also giving me a greater balance in my life... Since I have been living this way since I was about 25, I find that I no longer have temper issues, I no longer have the deep seated anger I did as a child or a VN vet, this has allowed me to see and deal with many deep seated issues within myself. By dealing with my own issues and the source of what originally brought me into this lifestyle (what was under the rush and the thrill)... I have learned a lot about myslef and have been able to understand my inner core self much better. In essence, I was able to rid myself of many of the demons of my past to become a better Dominant and a better person.

Now I am starting to work on building an extended family based upon the philosophies and understanding that I have found from self introspection as well as living all over the world in a multitude of cultures.



starymists -> RE: What attracts us to this lifestyle? (4/23/2006 12:56:58 PM)

What attracted me to this lifestyle? A complex question. Perhaps because it was the first place that I truly 'fit'.
 
When I was a child, I always ran around taking care of others. When my grandpa came home from work, I would do things like rub his feet, make him a snack, get him a drink, turn on the tv for him. I would go out of my way to make sure he rested, entertain him with stories from my day, whatever he seemed to want. Of course, he normally came home at the time when the neighborhood kids were out on their bikes and playing ball in the vacant lot down the street. It was really, that early, apparent in my personality that the needs of those who loved me came well above my own. And my grandpa, being aware of that, would often times allow me to do enough for him that I was satisfied before sending me out to play. I also very much enjoyed it when he told me what to do...everything from doing my homework NOW to get your room clean NOW. My grandmother and mother were not happy with that part of my personality and spent many years teaching me that taking care of a man was simply wrong. That my first duty was to myself. So I always felt like a round peg being pushed into a square hole.
 
I just always felt like I was on the outside looking in. And then, one fine day, my vanilla boyfriend took me to a wedding. Turned out the groom was a Dom and the bride was his submissive. I approached the couple after their honeymoon and asked about some things that I had noticed about their relationship. The fact she always called him Sir...that she got his drink before she got her own...just things that were facinating to me. They sat me down and explained the lifestyle they practiced...and several months later, they took me to my first munch...and for the first time, I was with a group of people who not only didn't want to change me...they appreciated me for what I was. Not only did they have the same desires that I did, but we talked about it, openly, honestly, and it was a really good fit for me.
 
That desire to make someone else happy...to serve their needs...to put someone else above me...that need to hand over control to someone who won't abuse it or misuse it...that attracted me then and keeps me here now.



MrMister -> RE: What attracts us to this lifestyle? (4/23/2006 12:57:07 PM)

Thanks to each of you for pointing out my poor choice of words. Please forgive me for that definitely came across as being very horrible indeed now that I reread it for myself.

Gezz, sure am feeling the love now.  [sm=whiteflag.gif]



juliaoceania -> RE: What attracts us to this lifestyle? (4/23/2006 12:57:12 PM)

I am attracted to this lifestyle because I feel it gives me pemission to be who I am. In other words my kindness has often been mistaken for weakness within my vanilla relationships, when in fact it is my greatest strength. I think perhaps in the past the men I have involved myself with thought I was too yielding and accommodating to them. That being said I am only this giving to men I thought deserved it, and that will never change in this lifestyle or out of it.

I am also attracted to how open we can be sexually with one another before we have sex so that we know what each other's wishes are before we go there with one another. I think in a way this can lead us to being actually less promiscous than our vanilla counterparts who have to have sex with each other before they can know if they are compatible this way. Often they do not have the dialogue before jumping in the sack with each other (at least this is what I have seen in my time on planet earth). Just because we are kinky does not mean we aren't picky about whom we want to explore that with.

I find that people in this lifestyle or wanting to pursue it in the future are wanting to explore it with one person, or with the same people over a period of time so they can build sexual trust and dialogue, because they realize you cannot add water and get instant power exchange... now I have generalized with that statement, but I have found this to be the case in reading 100s and 100s of profiles of both genders. People often feel the freedom not to hide their sexuality because they are wanting to find someone who shares their kinks....And this is why I am attracted to it also....



meatcleaver -> RE: What attracts us to this lifestyle? (4/23/2006 1:14:01 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: MrMister

Thanks to each of you for pointing out my poor choice of words. Please forgive me for that definitely came across as being very horrible indeed now that I reread it for myself.

Gezz, sure am feeling the love now.  [sm=whiteflag.gif]


You broke the cardinal rule of being honest when you should only pretend to be honest.

No one can escape racist emotions when we are all brought up in a racist society. One can intellectually reject racism and modify our behaviour accordingly but none of us can escape racist emotions when we have been socialised into them.

I've had a black partner and my current partner is Japanese. Do I think I've indulged in some sort of exotic sexual tourism? I don't like to think so. We are all subject to socialisation and while I like to think my feelings for them is color blind, no matter how much I analyse myself, I can never be certain.

To answer your question. I had a relationship that was intense and BDSM orientated but I never had the language. Later I met someone who put a language to what I was doing and I became more aware of a scene.



LuckyAlbatross -> RE: What attracts us to this lifestyle? (4/23/2006 1:27:37 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: MrMister
Anyway, I just wanted to get some input from others here regarding what attracted  you to this lifestyle initially, and/or when did you realize that you were so inclined to partake in things generally deemed 'forbidden' by the society we live in?

Oh I've always known that I was inclined to things that were forbidden.  I was shunned at age 8 for being bisexual and willing to kiss girls, very lonely childhood after that. 

I never felt WRONG about wanting what I wanted, I just never thought I could actually HAVE it.

Then I found out I could have it.  That's what attracted me- knowing I could have whatever relationship worked best for me.



BitaTruble -> RE: What attracts us to this lifestyle? (4/23/2006 2:00:36 PM)

quote:


You broke the cardinal rule of being honest when you should only pretend to be honest.


He used a word in error and it's usage changed the entire context of his OP and made it a direct contradiction to his own profile. He has since corrected the error and acknowledged the mistake. It had nothing to do with being honest or dishonest just with being fallible and human.

Celeste



BitaTruble -> RE: What attracts us to this lifestyle? (4/23/2006 2:29:24 PM)

quote:



what attracted  you to this lifestyle initially, and/or when did you realize that you were so inclined to partake in things generally deemed 'forbidden' by the society we live in?




When I was a kid, I used to tie my hands together with my socks and pull my night shirt up to cover my eyes before going to sleep. I always felt much more comfortable and slept better when bound. I was one of those who leapt before taking a good long look at the possibility that I might not actually fly when I jumped. ::chuckles:: Fortunately, I did, in fact, fly and I've been buzzing around ever since. As for engaging in something forbidden, for a long time I didn't actually realize it was 'forbidden' but then I didn't exactly have a Norman Rockwell upbringing either. Child of the 60's, my mother was a hippie, we spent a lot of time around stoners and bikers.. what I was doing seemed pretty tame compared to some of that stuff.  Once it dawned on me that 'most' others didn't really do the stuff that I was doing, I started coming out and I started losing some 'friends', getting some strange looks about the life I'd had thrust upon me. ::shrugs:: It was either live the way someone else thought I should and wallow in misery in doing so, or do what was right for me and say fuck off to anyone who didn't like it. I guess my choice is clear. ;)

btw: I appreciate you fixing your OP. I read your profile and knew you meant something entirely different. Welcome to the boards.

Celeste



LaTigresse -> RE: What attracts us to this lifestyle? (4/23/2006 2:30:58 PM)

To answer fully would take days of typing and bore the hell out of everyone that read it. Plus, acceptance of this in myself is rather new to me. I am a late bloomer. The Readers Digest condensed version is that when I discovered BDSM in all of its facets and realised there was a place for me and my feelings and needs and that I really was okay, it was the first time I felt at peace in myself. Something inside stopped feeling hollow and empty. I may or may not ever have the relationship I would like but just knowing who I am and that I am not the only one that feels the way I do, that is enough. 



slavejali -> RE: What attracts us to this lifestyle? (4/23/2006 2:38:10 PM)

What attracted me to the lifestyle?

When I was really young there was about 5 of us girls in the street all around the same age. There was a neighbor and his friends who used to do stuff to us, including putting us in canvas bags and beating us, other stuff I wont go into here but there was a definate air of male authority around the situation, directedly so. I never felt abused at the time, it was fun and exciting and I looked forward to it. Basically i think my sexuality got turned on at a very young age. Playing with kids my own age, we played games like cowbys and indians and i loved being tied up etc. In my early teens an event happened at school, I was always popular with boys and they would chase me around, everyone wanted to be my boyfriend, all the girls were jealous, one day  I was alone in a classroom with a group of boys and they pinned me down and did stuff to me, (not rape), but at the time it was soo thrilling, I hadnt felt anything like the excitement I felt from when I was younger when all that other stuff was happening. I made the mistake of tellling my gf's what had happened and they made such a big deal of it, calling me a slut and used the situation to disassociate from me and label me a bad person. I remember my very first kiss and how totally overhwlemed I felt, it was very definately a submissive feeling. I met my first husband at 14, he was a very dominant man (although the abusive type), during that marriage our sex life was kinky and the day to day of our relationship had me very submissive to him. It was after I left this marrriage (ran) that I met my first bdsm Master...and He made a lot of the feelings I had through my life make sense and I could gain some respect for myself as a submissive woman, rather than feeling bad.

So thats my story. I dont think I was every attracted to this lifestyle, living the way I do has always been part of my life as far back as I can remember...even my invovlement in bdsm itself, I kinda fell into.



Page: [1] 2   next >   >>

Valid CSS!




Collarchat.com © 2025
Terms of Service Privacy Policy Spam Policy
3.515625E-02