advice about new D/s relationship

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n00bgrl -> advice about new D/s relationship (9/17/2010 4:22:55 PM)
Hi First I would like to say that I'm a noob and am still learning about BDSM and my orientation. My current boyfriend is also my Dom and we are in a monogamous relationship, although I will play lightly with others as long as he desires it and sets it up. In my normal life I'm typically very dominant and have a high power position in my career. I've always been turned on by truly dominant males. My Dom considers me a switch with heavy sub leanings. I only switch when I feel the person is not capable of exerting true dominance over me (does that make sense?). In fact, I find it incredibly frustrating to be with a man if I have to be the Dom/top and tend to "act out." So, I can switch if I have to, but I don't want to. If you could please provide some advice concerning my current dilemma I would be most appreciative. My Dom and I are not currently physically playing and that includes sex, which makes me incredibly sad. :( While he said he wanted to take things slowly in the beginning as to not scare me away, he would still explore and play with me (although he tends to Dom almost 24/7, at least mentally/emotionally). This was fine for a few months, but then he started to prefer to play with me primarily in public (in "safe" places) by having me play with others in front of others. Men/women hit on me quite a bit and we've had a number of people in the community ask if they could play with me. My Dom considers me very intelligent, kind, and beautiful. I've asked him why he wants to only rarely play and have sex with me, but he hasn't given me an answer. We see each other a lot and he's not seeing anyone, so he doesn't have another outlet. Recently, I've been very service oriented too and extra subby around him to try and see if that doesn't help. He's responded by being sweeter and more "dom" mentally but not sexually or playfully. I'm very confused and very hurt. I'm also very loyal, but am loosing interest. I truly thank you for your time and interest.

Jeffff -> RE: advice about new D/s relationship (9/17/2010 4:38:05 PM)
Maybe he is gay?

marie2 -> RE: advice about new D/s relationship (9/17/2010 4:49:18 PM)
The only person who is going to be able to answer your question is him. Why not ask him what's up?

leadership527 -> RE: advice about new D/s relationship (9/17/2010 5:13:36 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: marie2 The only person who is going to be able to answer your question is him. Why not ask him what's up? Agreed. Similar things happen to me, but it's a given that the reasons for those things would be different. Whatever's going on, it's going to be too complicated to have a generic answer.

n00bgrl -> RE: advice about new D/s relationship (9/17/2010 5:52:13 PM)
Thank you for the replies. I know this is something I should, and am going to, pursue with him further . But I wanted to see if, given the limited information I've provided, maybe my orientation might cause issues b/t us? And since I'm a noob I don't have the experience to separate the personal issues from the personal/BDSM issues.

DesFIP -> RE: advice about new D/s relationship (9/18/2010 6:14:29 AM)
Some people are asexual. Some men only play with women they are not in a relationship with. Some men are taking medications that cause loss of libido but haven't asked the doctor if this side effect could be from the medication. Honestly, it could be many different things, none of which matter. What does matter is that this isn't working for you. So you need to tell him that, and that you aren't willing to spend the next 40 years in a relationship where levels of desire are so mismatched. Or ten years, or ten months. That's the decision you need to make, and stick to. Once you tell him that this isn't acceptable, how long will you give him to go get some help to fix the problem?

MercTech -> RE: advice about new D/s relationship (9/18/2010 6:50:04 AM)
And some men tend to form a strong emotional bond with those they are intimate with and are reluctant to start physical intimacy unil they are assured they aren't going to have their heart ripped out and a bite chewed up and spit back in their face. Stefan

crazyml -> RE: advice about new D/s relationship (9/18/2010 7:02:51 AM)
Hey there, This sentence caught my attention :- quote: ORIGINAL: n00bgrl My Dom and I are not currently physically playing and that includes sex, which makes me incredibly sad. :( I'm sure your partner doesn't want to make you incredibly sad, and I'm sure that he'd care a lot if he knew how it was making you feel. If he doesn't care about the sadness this is causing you then .... perhaps you need to find someone who does care about your happiness? But.. assuming that he does care... there could be a ton of reasons why someone is not prepared to be physically/sexually intimate with a partner... libido affects it (which in turn is affected by stress, some medications, and some health conditions) intimacy fear might affect it (which may explain why he enjoys watching you with others) The non-contact thing might even be a kink of his... Here's my advice (for what it's worth)- Have a good think first - If there were a good reason (health, stress etc) would your mind be put at rest and would you be less sad? Or is sexual contact something you really do need? (and it's perfectly ok if the answer to that question is yes - if it's something you need, it's something you need...) Then have a good old natter with him- explain that the lack of physical contact is making you sad and explain whether you need him to start getting jiggy right now, or whether you'd be happy waiting if there were an explanation for it. Good luck.

DarkSteven -> RE: advice about new D/s relationship (9/18/2010 8:18:14 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: n00bgrl But I wanted to see if, given the limited information I've provided, maybe my orientation might cause issues b/t us? Okay. You're doing all you can, and communicating what the problem is and your take on it. And he's not giving you an answer, and you're filling in the gaps with conjecture. Not having sex is a huge issue, and if he's not willing to discuss that... I think you could do better, with someone that is committed enough to a relationship that he's willing to talk about it. Why would he not want to play with you/ have sex with you? Dunno. It could be a medical issue, or it could be that he enjoys the start of a relationship more than keeping it going. Or something else altogether. But it looks like it is his issue, not yours, and if he won;t work on it, I wouldn't stick around.

afkarr -> RE: advice about new D/s relationship (9/18/2010 8:50:37 AM)
Maybe he's a voyeur, and his biggest turn on is watching. Domming a women who will play with others at his command feeds his "she'll do anything for me" ego. And you respond by acting more "subby" with him, non verbal translation is you like it- at least, it's probably how he's reading it. You two aren't just on different pages, you're hanging out in different libraries. You need to have an honest talk with him, ASAP.

Focus50 -> RE: advice about new D/s relationship (9/19/2010 6:04:27 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: n00bgrl Hi First I would like to say that I'm a noob and am still learning about BDSM and my orientation. My current boyfriend is also my Dom and we are in a monogamous relationship, although I will play lightly with others as long as he desires it and sets it up. In my normal life I'm typically very dominant and have a high power position in my career. I've always been turned on by truly dominant males. My Dom considers me a switch with heavy sub leanings. I only switch when I feel the person is not capable of exerting true dominance over me (does that make sense?). In fact, I find it incredibly frustrating to be with a man if I have to be the Dom/top and tend to "act out." So, I can switch if I have to, but I don't want to. If you could please provide some advice concerning my current dilemma I would be most appreciative. My Dom and I are not currently physically playing and that includes sex, which makes me incredibly sad. :( While he said he wanted to take things slowly in the beginning as to not scare me away, he would still explore and play with me (although he tends to Dom almost 24/7, at least mentally/emotionally). This was fine for a few months, but then he started to prefer to play with me primarily in public (in "safe" places) by having me play with others in front of others. Men/women hit on me quite a bit and we've had a number of people in the community ask if they could play with me. My Dom considers me very intelligent, kind, and beautiful. I've asked him why he wants to only rarely play and have sex with me, but he hasn't given me an answer. We see each other a lot and he's not seeing anyone, so he doesn't have another outlet. Recently, I've been very service oriented too and extra subby around him to try and see if that doesn't help. He's responded by being sweeter and more "dom" mentally but not sexually or playfully. I'm very confused and very hurt. I'm also very loyal, but am loosing interest. I truly thank you for your time and interest. Coupla things.... I've known several subs who hold managerial-type positions in their working lives. One has nothing to do with the other - except that they tend to jump at the chance to submit and take direction after a day of being boss. From your own words, I certainly don't consider you a switch. That said, first, I'm not a true believer that there's even such a thing and second, every switch I've known (and I stress I've known) would rather submit, given a singular role to choose from. You just don't seem wired, inspired, driven or even interested in dominating your partner. As for your "dilemma" - that's hard to read from the information provided. Something's missing from the equation.... But I wonder about his "dominant" self. First, I think he's misread your "switchiness". Frankly, I discourage dominant traits/postures/actions from my girl because they're a turnoff. Merely standing there with her arms folded will get her in BIG trouble, for eg. And look out if she addresses me with hands on hips! So I'd never encourage even a mildly "switchy" mindset unless she truly had a need to find an outlet for it. And you sure don't seem to.... Secondly, this playing in public with others at his behest opens up several possibilities.... He enjoys the limelight of owning a desirable sub - a power trip. And he's using the occasions to learn from other dom/mes. IE, he's not playing with you himself because he lacks the confidence to either do so or admit he does - he's lost. And confidence issues will overflow into areas of vanilla sex etc. I won't be surprised if the next "shoe to drop" is where he invites the (alleged) domme within you to dominate him. But that may be stretching the speculation, too.... One thing is certain; he's holding something back that you NEED TO KNOW. Focus.

daddysliloneds -> RE: advice about new D/s relationship (9/19/2010 7:03:32 AM)
when they aren't fucking you, they're generally dunking their dipstick into someone else, know too much about you and have lost the desire to fuck you, are afraid of becoming emotionally attached to you, or have physical issues... when they refuse to answer the question, it's because they know you won't like the answer. some people refuse to man-up to their own actions/inactions.

SmilingSub4You -> RE: advice about new D/s relationship (9/28/2010 6:54:23 PM)
Thank you for posting this question, as i am going through something similar. i hope things work out for you! And thank you Foucus50 for your reply - i like your directness. Peace & Cheers, m

ranja -> RE: advice about new D/s relationship (9/29/2010 1:38:48 AM)
you are new at this and still learning but you do not lack in normal experience really do you... at 35 you should know a few things. I do not know how long this man has been your boyfriend, but Focus is right, the man is holding back and not telling you why; it would piss me off and unless we would have a longstanding relationship which would make me 'battle on'... if he will not explain the situation, i would loose interest too and move on

dmarc -> RE: advice about new D/s relationship (10/3/2010 4:54:22 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: marie2 The only person who is going to be able to answer your question is him. Why not ask him what's up? I totally agree...Ask him...

Adrenochrome -> RE: advice about new D/s relationship (10/4/2010 11:50:57 PM)
Sounds like He's quite interested, but is spending time parsing things out in His head. I'd recommend doing as He wishes, at the speed He wishes, but also -- respectfully -- letting Him know that you're quite happy with Him putting you to greater use. You might be surprised what a nice smile and a polite reminder of just how far He can take you could result in.

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