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Wait or Play? - 9/17/2010 10:57:34 PM

BloomingScarlet

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So I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. I'm new to the scene and because of that and trust issues, I would prefer to start out with a relationship and not just a play partner. The only problem is that I'm craving D/s. I've played a little bit and if I have time to just think, I'm thinking about D/s. I want the experience, but I don't want to just be someone's FWB.

When you first started out, how did you handle it? Did you just experiment or did you wait until you had found a relationship? Thanks in advance.

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RE: Wait or Play? - 9/17/2010 11:10:36 PM

wittynamehere

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You want to start out with a relationship? Fair enough, I guess. You're craving D/s (by that you mean the dominant and submissive relationship aspects, right?).... fair enough as well.
Then you mention "playing". Playing isn't D/s. Maybe you meant BDSM? (A broad term referring to "kinky play" of all sorts, and includes the D/s relationship dynamics.)

In any case, sounds like you are craving, and it's making you rush, which is against your better judgment. I don't know how anyone here will be able to tell you what is best for you.
Nothing wrong with casual playing, if you find someone you trust, who will respect your limits and provide you with some release. Maybe some light bondage, some mild pain, a bit of positioning, protocol, obedience play and such?
Or, use this time to learn about yourself and the lifestyle, and hold off until you find someone you can enjoy a relationship with, even if it's not a long term serious one. Then explore play together.

Best of luck :)

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RE: Wait or Play? - 9/17/2010 11:15:18 PM

FelineFae

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It sounds like having a play-partner might be ideal for you at this time. You can play, experiment, and learn what you like, so you'll know what you want from a future long term D/s relationship.

You may tell a play partner that you don't want sex, it's allowed, really.

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RE: Wait or Play? - 9/18/2010 4:47:48 AM

myotherself

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I'm with FelineFae on this one - maybe a play partner is the best route for now.

Make it clear at the outset that it's play ONLY, and no sex involved (if that's your wish) and agree which other parameters you want (no assignments outside of a play session, underwear to be worn at all time during play, that sort of thing if it's what you want).

I would suggest getting along to a local munch, make a couple of friends and go to a club. Do a bit of play there, where there are people around who will make sure nothing can go too far awry.

Good luck in finding what you need

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RE: Wait or Play? - 9/18/2010 5:21:48 AM

DarkSteven

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First off, if that pic really is of you, you're going to have a flood of interest when you attend a group. Everyone will want to make a move on the naive new pretty girl.

I'd suggest not going to play parties solo. You'd be swamped, and wouldn't be able to focus on individuals as people, which is what you want. Try going to munches, which are simply vanilla get-togethers with no play. This will allow you to focus on individual people, not play activities. At the munch, you'd be looking for two things - a compatible Dom to experiment with, or even better a local couple that is experienced and will take you under their wing while you search. A couple that knows who has a good local rep and who doesn't.

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RE: Wait or Play? - 9/18/2010 5:26:07 AM

crazyml

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quote:

ORIGINAL: wittynamehere

Playing isn't D/s.

Oh fuck... I think they forgot to print that one in my "The absolute truth about Kink" book.

Unless you're thinking about a "D/s" that doesn't mean Domination and Submission then OF COURSE you can do D/s in a play context.

Sheesh!

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RE: Wait or Play? - 9/18/2010 5:29:30 AM

crazyml

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quote:

ORIGINAL: BloomingScarlet
When you first started out, how did you handle it? Did you just experiment or did you wait until you had found a relationship? Thanks in advance.

Well, I was first introduced to it all by someone I was in a relationship with, so I guess I got a head start.

If you bump into someone you like and trust enough to play with then go for it. It's as simple as that!

Since you're HAWT, you'll have no shortage of suitors so be as picky as you want to be.

good luck.

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RE: Wait or Play? - 9/18/2010 6:09:57 AM

DesFIP

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And some of us became friends first. And had that as the relationship base. Which then deepened into love.

You want to wait until you're in a relationship, great. Do so.
You want to play nonsexually at parties with someone you're friendly with, grat. Do that.
Just realize that no matter how you choose to go about it, you're also choosing to not get another need met for the moment. You can't get the perfect relationship by snapping your fingers, so choose what works for you in the meantime.

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RE: Wait or Play? - 9/18/2010 6:23:48 AM

pwnerandpwned

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Certainly DarkSteven is right in saying that you're pretty adorable and finding someone to "play" wouldn't be a difficult task (well it would be difficult in the fact that you might have to shoo away lots of people trying to swarm on you). We don't really do the local scene thing, so can't give real specific advice. However, as more general advice, just start making friends. Online friends, local scene friends, kinky but not maybe specifically BDSM-loving friends (I mean indifferent or curious, not disliking it). If you start talking to them, you'll inevitably start talking about kinks/fantasies/interests, and some of that will most likely lead to a natural exploring with some of those people. I don't think you have to really make a conscious decision on what to do...it'll slowly just take its place.

...And really...we (people) are dumb anyhow. Trying to plan the perfect way to go about something you've never done is never going to be right...you're totally going to mess up, have super happy times, super sad times, stresses, etc in everything you do. The more you experience things, though, the more you'll learn and the more you'll grow in your understanding of yourself.

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RE: Wait or Play? - 9/18/2010 6:59:52 AM

MercTech

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quote:

ORIGINAL: BloomingScarlet

So I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. I'm new to the scene and because of that and trust issues, I would prefer to start out with a relationship and not just a play partner. The only problem is that I'm craving D/s. I've played a little bit and if I have time to just think, I'm thinking about D/s. I want the experience, but I don't want to just be someone's FWB.

When you first started out, how did you handle it? Did you just experiment or did you wait until you had found a relationship? Thanks in advance.

First, get the capital letters out of that "relationship" word. ALL social interactions are a relationship. A good plurality of men with physically cringe upon hearing that word as it is soooo open to interpretation and often means unpalatable circumstances.

Now, if you use the "R" word around me; this is what I hear as it is the worst case scenario for a woman using the word. "I want to take over your life and make you focus totally on me. You won't be allowed to go do activities with your friends unless I'm off involved with something on my own. You won't be allowed to have any space of your own in the house as I'm going to keep bringing up the subject until you let me redecorate to suit me out of exhaustion. I'm going to monitor you phone calls and whereabouts and throw a tantrum every time you have a conversation with any of the opposite sex that is less than five years older than you are."

I exaggerating to make a point about word choices and hot buttons.

I do agree with what I read past the dangerous "R" word. I want a play partner that shares vanilla interests and hobbies as will as an interest in the kinkier facets of life. That is hard to find.

Stefan

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RE: Wait or Play? - 9/18/2010 8:51:59 AM

peppermint

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When I was a newbie not too many years ago I did scenes with different Doms but sex was not a part of it. They were told upfront before anything started and no one pushed me. However, I also made sure to never play where there was just the two of us. There was always at least a trusted friend there or better yet, at a public place with 100 people there.

I never had anyone say that if there was no sex they would not do a scene. No one pushed afterward for sex. This gave me the time to experience all kinds of BDSM play and different techniques. I found that I loved some things that I thought I would hate, and other activities that I thought I would love left me feeling ho hum. It was great fun to experience this and that and feel safe at the same time. I'd only been widowed a year or so before I go started with all this and late husband had been my only sexual partner for 27 years. It was good to have a time when I didn't feel pressured to "put out".

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RE: Wait or Play? - 9/18/2010 9:47:52 AM

jujubeeMB

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quote:

ORIGINAL: MercTech
First, get the capital letters out of that "relationship" word. ALL social interactions are a relationship. A good plurality of men with physically cringe upon hearing that word as it is soooo open to interpretation and often means unpalatable circumstances.

Disagree, disagree, disagree. Use the relationship word. It will weed out those who are not looking for a relationship, and you are cute enough that you need to weed some people out. Use it pleasantly, of course, and just to let people know that you're not looking for a purely D/s dynamic or casual play. Talk about how that's the direction you'd like to go if things are clicking, because you can "only really trust in the context of a relationship." That's a completely valid way to feel, and the kind of Dom you want is going to refrain from panicking over the concept of being with someone.

That doesn't mean you can't play in the meantime, and if the lack of playing is driving you nuts you should. Personally, I can't really play out of the context of a larger relationship because I have issues relaxing and trusting a relative stranger, and you shouldn't feel bad if that's how you are too.

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RE: Wait or Play? - 9/18/2010 9:57:52 AM

Shadow-tiger

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quote:

ORIGINAL: BloomingScarlet

When you first started out, how did you handle it? Did you just experiment or did you wait until you had found a relationship? Thanks in advance.

When I started out I didn't really know about the big bad world of bdsm and D/s other than some childhood fantasies and magazines with naked girls. While the idea of playing is nice, I can't really do that outside the context of a relationship. I get far too intense, and far too attached to be casual about things.

My recommendation is to get to know people, make some friends. And as you seem to want/need a bit of play, do that if it feels right. That's what public dungeons are for right? There can still be time taken for trust between friends first, before any play. And then maybe it can build into something more with time.

Or you may simply not be able to just play without the big R word. There is nothing wrong with that, it just means a little more self loving until you find someone.