BreathandStone
Posts: 37
Joined: 12/26/2009
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Pyramus, I'm going to tell you something that you already know. Real life is different from fantasy. Things that are amazingly sexy in fantasies, and even things that are very sexy when you see them happen to someone else, can be quite different to experience first-hand. This goes double for a bottom. Things like pain, things like restraint, things like not being in control are very different first-hand than they are in your mind.
quote:
So, her "mind" isn't new; but her body is.
Don't think of this as finding out what her body can take. Her mind is just as new to this as her body. If you come into this hoping to give her an extreme, edgy experience, you'll probably just give her a bad one. When (if) you meet up with this woman, start small, ramp up slowly, and take your time finding out how much both of you want. If you start off soft, you can always hit her harder. If you hit her too hard at first, she may shut down before the fun even starts. This is especially true with a newbie. Where a seasoned masochist may be willing to tough it through the bad pain to get to the good, someone who has never been hurt in a consensual way is liable to decide that she doesn't actually like pain in real life.
Imagine that you're dealing with a woman who has just come to you and asked you to help her find out how far she can run. She's never done more than go around a high school track a few times, but she thinks about it a lot, and she once dated a runner, and she watched the Boston Marathon last year. You are (to extend the metaphor) asking for places where she can safely run until she collapses, and trying to figure out if your little golf cart can follow her the whole way. Doing it this way may teach you something, but it misses the point. People don't have a static LIMIT, handed down from the sky, that you simply need the right tools and techniques to discover. She can take various amounts of various things, and these amount will vary depending on who she's playing with, how you're doing it, her experience levels, her mood, the time of the month...a thousand things.
I'm not saying that new players should pussyfoot around and stick to light spankings and silk-scarf bondage. If you want to play hard, play hard. Make sure you know damn well how to do it safely (an, if applicable, have taken appropriate classes and practiced), because playing hard is more dangerous, but don't limit yourself to lukewarm scenes. Figure out the most depraved things that the two of you would want to do on a first playdate. Come prepared to do them. Come prepared with a backup plan, too, in case she can't handle the reality of it.
I'm going to close with a few bits of advice. First, don't let your heart break if things don't go through with this woman. In my experience, people who talk about wanting to find their limits but have no real experience...well, the tend to stay people who talk about wanting to find their limits but have no real experience. If she wants to do extreme things with a near stranger, she's thinking with her libido, not her head. Doing this tends to get you hurt. If she hasn't gotten hurt, it's because she tends to come to her senses and back out. You don't seem dangerous, but she may follow the same pattern with you.
On being a new Dom: It took me time and practice to learn to read people, to see where their tolerance is. I rarely rely on safewords and verbal communication these days, because I can read body language pretty well. (I often have new partners tell me that I stopped right before they were about to ask me to. I'm not looking for signs that they might safeword, I just know intuitively how much most people can take.) You don't know her well, she doesn't know you well, and you probably don't have a lot of practice reading people in pain. Don't be afraid to ask questions and listen to what she says. I know that sadists are supposed to be all uncaring and stuff but a little bit of "Good?" "Bad?" "Too much?" "Too little?" goes a long way.
Don't underestimate the impact of warm-ups. I'm not saying that you have to use them (that's choice and style) but be aware that being hit with a big paddle or some such is a lot easier to take when your body is full of endorphins and your skin is getting numb. Hitting too hard too fast often leads the bottom to end scenes early.
Finally? Remember that this is supposed to be fun for both of you. You wouldn't do something to her that would make her upset or uncomfortable - don't do something that will have the same effect on you. Be giving, be good, be game, but don't forget that you have to take care of yourself first.
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formerly strangedesire
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Advice to take a self-described freaky submissive to le... - 
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