School for Dommes? (Full Version)

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inteligencia -> School for Dommes? (9/25/2010 2:05:20 PM)

Hello I am Inteligencia, a new domme. I want to do things I have been thinking about for a while but it's hard to find a sub who will give 'constructive criticism'. I fear I am being too nice to the people I meet. Maybe I am just a fantasy Domme but can't 'hack' it in the real world, yet my urges are so strong. Sub's claim to want to do whatever they are asked but this is clearly not true. How do I find out where the boundaries are if the sub wont say?

I'd love to hear from more experienced dommes as to how they learned to feel comfortable in the domme role.
Miss I.



DesFIP -> RE: School for Dommes? (9/25/2010 2:10:14 PM)

Welcome.

You might do better reading in the Ask a Mistress forum and asking this of subs and dommes there.
Beyond that, you could do an interrogation scene. Make them kneel while you sit there with a clipboard asking questions. Tapping a crop when they delay answering. Google bdsm checklists and find one you like, then just focus on the items on it you want to try. Ask them how hot it makes them to imagine you doing whatever it is to them. And so on. This allows the learning to feel scenish and exciting. They get to stammer out answers blushing while you give them a hit whenever they don't answer promptly.

Join your local groups and take workshops on how to, so you know how to do stuff safely.



inteligencia -> RE: School for Dommes? (9/25/2010 2:17:29 PM)

Thank you, that's really helpful, I hadn't thought of asking the subs in role as a domme, very inventive. Will also try ask a Mistress.



DarkSteven -> RE: School for Dommes? (9/25/2010 2:49:17 PM)

Hi there!

I'd advise finding a local Domme (or Dom for that matter) to mentor you.

And I do what I want, limited only by what the subs says. If my sub says nothing, then I do as I wish.





LadyConstanze -> RE: School for Dommes? (9/25/2010 3:35:40 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: DarkSteven

Hi there!

I'd advise finding a local Domme (or Dom for that matter) to mentor you.

And I do what I want, limited only by what the subs says. If my sub says nothing, then I do as I wish.






GMTA

I gave a similar reply in the domme forum...

Apart from that, everything that makes her feel comfortable with her role, be it having her feet massaged, her hair brushed, her dishes done, etc. No need to compete with a fantasy domme, if it is about her, it truly should be about her and her comfort levels, which might broaden over time...



CHERRYSHOCKING -> RE: School for Dommes? (9/26/2010 4:19:27 AM)

Start small with a regular play partner. Thats how I got into it. Giving orders and spankings when they didn't do what I asked them. Most vanilla guys are up for a little bit of this. Hold them down, visit your local sex shop and buy some fluffy handcuffs and a rubber whip. Also read lit about slave training and watch BDSM femdom pornos.



LadyPact -> RE: School for Dommes? (9/26/2010 8:05:20 AM)

I'm of the opinion that the best "School for Dommes" is a combination of knowledge and experience.  Those are two things that you have to accumulate.  You do so by reading books, talking with people, going to demos and workshops, and finding a compatible partner to do the practical things. 

The best way to receive your constructive criticism that you are looking for is by doing follow up.  In other words, if you play on Saturday, touch base again about the play with the person on Wednesday.  Give them some time to digest the scene a bit and discuss it again when it isn't fresh and overwhelming.  Also, learn how to ask probing questions that require more than a yes or no answer.  There is a difference and you will obtain different results.

"Did you like playing on Saturday?"

vrs

"What was the most exciting part of the play on Saturday?"

This will get you more information, especially with those with whom you have a new play arrangement.



Dnomyar -> RE: School for Dommes? (9/26/2010 8:44:49 AM)

Cherry. Fluffy cuffs are for whimps. Go to a pawn store and get real ones.



strangedesire -> RE: School for Dommes? (9/26/2010 9:09:56 AM)

Also, "How was X thing?" "Did Y work for you?" "Was Z too much?" Various people will respond to things differently, but you're also training yourself to read people in the throes of submissive bliss or masochistic agony/ecstasy.

While playing, the sugary-sweet/sarcastic "Oh, did that hurt? Do you like that? Do you want it harder?" is my secret weapon. Critiquing your performance may not be ideal mid-scene, but your partners' communication with you may be a submissive act of opening up as much as straightforward communication.



SlaveBlutarsky -> RE: School for Dommes? (9/26/2010 9:46:06 AM)

I agree with LadyPact about learning through experience and reading. One of the things that people need to understand, or at least I feel they should believe and understand, is that we choose what is right for us in our roles. Don't try to do things because you've seen it in movies or some slave wants you to, do these things because you want to do them or experiment with them. If the person you are with is not happy with what you want to do in this area of your life, then maybe they aren't the right person for you.

Life is too short to be second guessing yourself on what you think others want, do what you want and find someone who shares those desires with you.



Rochsub2009 -> RE: School for Dommes? (9/26/2010 9:57:17 PM)

Lady I,
Glad to see that you took my advice and joined the conversation here on the Message Boards.

I may be on the wrong side of the kneel, but I'll take a crack at answering your question anyway.

As others have said, read books and join your local BDSM society.  Attend as many seminars as you can.  But these things will only get you so far.  The key is to remember that books and seminars can only teach you TECHNIQUE.  They can show you the proper way to use a flogger, or how to tie someone up without cutting off their circulation.  But ONLY YOU can define what type of Domme you want to be.

You need to look introspectively, and truly understand what you like and what you don't like.  Then pursue that.  Don't try to copy some caricature Domme that you saw in a BDSM porn film.  Be yourself.  After all, YOU are the Domme, and you are looking for someone to serve YOU.  You know what you want from a sub, and you know what you don't want from a sub.  So the answers that you seek are ultimately inside of yourself.

The key is to get out and start being a Domme.  Too many people keep their kink as a mere fantasy, and never gather the courage to actually try it.  Find a play partner and try it.  Sure, you'll make mistakes.  But isn't that really the only way to learn?



VaguelyCurious -> RE: School for Dommes? (9/26/2010 10:26:03 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: inteligencia

I fear I am being too nice to the people I meet.

This is much easier said than done, but...stop thinking that. Be exactly the level of nice that you want to be. The aim is to find someone who wants that level of niceness. Don't bend yourself too far to fit someone else's idea of an ideal partner, and don't try to bend someone else to far too fit yours-hold out for that perfect fit. [:)]

If what you're struggling with is the ability to gauge exactly how nice (or not, as the case may be [8D]) you're being, set up a numbering system with 1 as super-sweet gentle pussycat and 10 as OMFGTHATHURTOUCHOUCHOUCHOUCHAAARGH demon lady, and demand that your partner give you an estimate of what level you're on every so often.



SeeksSadisticTop -> RE: School for Dommes? (10/2/2010 9:55:24 AM)

i believe there's nothing better than Hands-On Training when it comes to how to safely do these things we do.  You can read books, websites, articles about, for instance, using a whip and you will not gain any skill in doing so.  And using one with no skill is DANGEROUS.  What's needed is somebody to show you, to watch you and say, "No, not that way, THIS way."

The place to get such Hands On Training is within the Real Life, BDSM community.  i recommend any new person to join it.  New subs can learn how to play and avoid winding up in a hospital or morgue.  New doms can learn how to play and not wind up in a prison.



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