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RE: What does a sub man want? - 9/29/2010 9:23:11 AM

LadyHibiscus

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I want a submissive, not a boyfriend!! For me, the person who defers to me is NOT the person that I am emotionally intimate with. Tricky game, this!

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RE: What does a sub man want? - 9/29/2010 5:24:55 PM

slavekal

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It is tricky..It is possible to have emotional intimacy with one's Mistress. I just don't want to become her pal. If a Mistress likes a slave too much, she can be too nice to him...ya know?

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RE: What does a sub man want? - 9/29/2010 7:17:45 PM

LadyHibiscus

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quote:

ORIGINAL: slavekal

It is tricky..It is possible to have emotional intimacy with one's Mistress. I just don't want to become her pal. If a Mistress likes a slave too much, she can be too nice to him...ya know?

I am very nice. Until you disobey.

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RE: What does a sub man want? - 9/29/2010 7:50:29 PM

trueshadow

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An interesting question. I suppose I look for confidence, a certain bearing and someone perhaps a bit proud and regal. I certainly don't like an evil person, a hostile person, or a cruel person. I like to be treated as a normal person, perhaps like we were meeting as vanilla folks for the first time.

My inclination is to pamper my prospective Owner, so I would certainly defer to you immediately. I would of course pay your bill as well as mine. I will let you lead the conversation, set the pace, and not bring up anything considered sexual or aggressive; I'd respond in kind to what you had to say.

You'd make the decision if we were compatible; of course, if I got any warning signs, I'd heed them. I'm going to protect myself as I would expect you to do yourself.

If you decided that we might be compatible, I'd hope you'd tell me what we might do to get to know each other better.

I'd certainly not expect or want to play the day we met. I'd like to let you (and me) think about it, to digest it as it were. Then if we decided to play, I'd set up a safe person to call, to let them know I was OK.

If we did play, I'd know my place, and I'd strive mightily to please and satisfy you and your needs/wants.

So, it isn't complicated. If someone really thinks upon meeting that you're going to throw their sorry male ass over your knee for a solid spanking, they aren't being realistic. After all, we slaves are people, too.

quote:

ORIGINAL: inteligencia

I am a new Domme and have had a huge number of replies to my profile but when I meet people things don't seem to quite work as I expected. I've met about eight people 'in the flesh' and all have found me physically attractive. The feeling was mutual in two cases, but I suspect I have just been too 'nice' in person and not Domme enough but I don't know for certain as subs will not say. I suppose it's not in the nature of a Sub to give constructive criticism but that is exactly what I would like. So I know not all subs are the same but I would love to hear from submissive straight men on how they actually like to be treated, from the moment you meet your Domme to the moment something sexual happens.

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RE: What does a sub man want? - 9/30/2010 6:36:37 AM

lp123

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I want a mistress who understands that pain and pleasure, humiliation and pleasure are linked, at least for me. When I visit pro Dommes the time is generally spent meeting the needs of mine that they are willing to fulfill, you can't touch me here, I don't do this, ect. It would be a change and different to meet one who used me to fulfill her needs and wants, other than money. I love women, their bodies, fluids ect. and should not my submissive side derive satisfaction from serving them?

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RE: What does a sub man want? - 9/30/2010 8:38:58 AM

allthatjaz

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I know many, many Mistresses that don't have a relationship with their sub/subs. I know very few Mistresses that have full time relationships with their subs. That means, they live in the same house and are actively sexual.

I have always found it easy to have subs round to do my bidding, clean my house, look after me, etc. But is that all I wanted? hell no. To me this was like playing a game. They wanted and expected to see me in Domme mode all the time and by that I mean, dressed like a vamp and being ever so strict

which is relatively easy but gets boring after a while (yawns). The only thing I was getting out of it was a clean house, my shopping done and sometimes a nicely cooked meal, because if their dominance didn't turn me on, the beating or play time I gave them later was just payment in kind but did absolutely nothing for me. They would go home happy and I could put my feet up because all the chores were done!

To find a submissive who could go way beyond the chores and the play time was always my aim. A good submissive man, is in my opinion the stronger men amongst us. They are stronger than vanilla men and stronger than Doms. A good submissive man is like owning a gladiator and gladiators are so frigging hot and owning a gladiator is even hotter!
Owning a submissive full time enables at least my dominance to go far deeper than it ever could otherwise. I would have ultimate control, I could lead from the front and I could have much higher expectations of the man under my wing. That would mean him seeing me in my slippers and without my vamp boots on but if thats all he wanted then he would be not good to me anyway.
If he didn't turn me on then things would never get beyond the vamp boots. I may use him and I may take him to a club and beat the living shit out of him but there is only one reason I would be doing that and that would be to attract other submissives because by attracting others I may find the one. So He would have his uses but other than that he would be worthless.

If I wasn't in the relationship I am, I would most definitely look for a male submissive but it would be a long term thing I was looking for because I would want all the pleassure I could get out of him and not just a small portion.

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RE: What does a sub man want? - 9/30/2010 8:43:35 AM

LadyNTrainer

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quote:

ORIGINAL: allthatjaz
I know many, many Mistresses that don't have a relationship with their sub/subs. I know very few Mistresses that have full time relationships with their subs. That means, they live in the same house and are actively sexual.

Really? I see it a lot more commonly; I know many, many femdom D/s couples.

quote:

I have always found it easy to have subs round to do my bidding, clean my house, look after me, etc. But is that all I wanted? hell no. To me this was like playing a game. They wanted and expected to see me in Domme mode all the time and by that I mean, dressed like a vamp and being ever so strict which is relatively easy but gets boring after a while (yawns).

I won't spend personal time with any "submissive" who expects me to dress up for him. Period. Hard limit for me. He dresses to please my eye; I wear what I want and find comfortable. He is the sex object, not me.

quote:

To find a submissive who could go way beyond the chores and the play time was always my aim. A good submissive man, is in my opinion the stronger men amongst us. They are stronger than vanilla men and stronger than Doms. A good submissive man is like owning a gladiator and gladiators are so frigging hot and owning a gladiator is even hotter!

Very hot indeed. :)

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RE: What does a sub man want? - 9/30/2010 8:58:51 AM

rulemylife

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quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyHibiscus

I want a submissive, not a boyfriend!! For me, the person who defers to me is NOT the person that I am emotionally intimate with.

You know, I've always been curious about that.

I find many women have the same attitude.

Why do you think that is? Do you lose respect for a submissive male? Is it the result of cultural influences that make you feel the male should be the dominant partner?

Or is it that many women enjoy having control but are ultimately submissive sexually?

< Message edited by rulemylife -- 9/30/2010 9:26:54 AM >

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RE: What does a sub man want? - 9/30/2010 9:05:41 AM

allthatjaz

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I dressed to kill because I was playing a game. I'm not ashamed to admit that.

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RE: What does a sub man want? - 9/30/2010 9:20:24 AM

LadyNTrainer

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quote:

ORIGINAL: allthatjaz

I dressed to kill because I was playing a game. I'm not ashamed to admit that.

Nor should you be. There is nothing wrong with wearing any clothes that you want to or that make you feel good, or that are expected for an activity you are participating in. I dress appropriately for pro domme sessions, and frankly that's one of the reasons they *are* pro sessions. My differentiation between "sure, I'll play with you at the next BDSM event" and "pay me money if you want me to session with you" has a lot to do with expectations that I dress to the part. Guys who are more interested in my actual dominance and less interested in being topped their way by someone wearing uncomfy clothes that turn them on are the ones who make my personal play partner roster.

In any case, I am stating my personal hard limits and preferences, not condemning other people for having totally different ones. I am sorry if it came across any other way.

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RE: What does a sub man want? - 9/30/2010 9:27:15 AM

anniezz338

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I think I would come up with a few exercises during the initial meeting. Telling them ahead of the meeting, that an action will be required but don't tell them what it is. Like if you are in a public place meeting, tell him to go take off his underwear and bring them to you for approval. Tell him to take off your shoes and clean them up because they are dusty. If he talks about something that doesn't interest you, tell him he can shut up because you aren't interested in hearing it. Those are just off the cuff ideas but you see what I mean.

They are eager to serve in some capacity and won't tell you how to act or ask you to tell him to do something, as being a sub, we need to be led. Keep the lead in most of the initial meeting. You may have a point about being too nice. Men seem more eager to move to action than women are, as women tend to be more cautious.

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RE: What does a sub man want? - 9/30/2010 9:39:57 AM

LadyNTrainer

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quote:

ORIGINAL: rulemylife
Do you lose respect for a submissive male?

Depends on the individual male. The stereotypical "submissive" archetype of the weak, groveling, humiliated, worthless worm makes a pretty crappy life partner. I most certainly do not want a dominant partner, but I do want a competent adult partner. I don't want someone to be a major part of my life if they have low self esteem and expect me to help them remain that way. I can't trust someone who isn't a competent adult to be my best friend and partner, to take care of me if I am sick or injured, or to be my strong backup if the going gets rough.

Enter the much less commonly seen archetype of the knight in service to his queen, the loyal gladiator slave, the samurai bound in willing fealty. He is strong, but submissive and obedient to me. His strength is laid at my feet to direct as I see fit. He will kneel to me, he will serve and obey and suffer for me, and he looks seriously fuckin' hot all beaten and bloody and in my chains. The courage and dignity it takes this man to simply be himself, to openly be the submitted property that his heart tells him to be, is breathtaking. This is a man worthy of respect. And this is the kind of man I own and share my love and life with. I will settle for nothing less.

quote:

Is it the result of cultural influences that make you feel the male should be the dominant partner? Or is it that many women enjoy having control but are ultimately submissive?

Silly person. Of course there are cultural influences, which is what makes it even more amazing when a strong submissive man has the courage and dignity to openly be who he is. But suggesting that all women are submissive is rather like suggesting all men are heterosexual. You might like to believe that, perhaps, as it would be less of a threat to your own orientation. But it's simply not true.

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RE: What does a sub man want? - 9/30/2010 10:22:10 AM

RedMagic1

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quote:

ORIGINAL: inteligencia

I am a new Domme and have had a huge number of replies to my profile but when I meet people things don't seem to quite work as I expected.

I wouldn't necessarily read too much into it. Think how rare chemistry is on a vanilla date. Haven't you ever been with someone who "should be" totally hot -- good looking, smart, rich, whatever -- but when you kiss, you feel nothing? Throw people's confusion about their own kink-identity on top of that and wow. Remember: most sub men you correspond with online have never been in a D/s relationship. It's not their fault, but they are mired in fantasy about what a femdom is supposed to be like -- and, more important, how they are supposed to feel when in her presence.

Don't rush things. Make friends. People who are real will appreciate reality.

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RE: What does a sub man want? - 9/30/2010 11:52:23 AM

servuspet

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quote:

ORIGINAL: inteligencia

I am a new Domme and have had a huge number of replies to my profile but when I meet people things don't seem to quite work as I expected. I've met about eight people 'in the flesh' and all have found me physically attractive. The feeling was mutual in two cases, but I suspect I have just been too 'nice' in person and not Domme enough but I don't know for certain as subs will not say. I suppose it's not in the nature of a Sub to give constructive criticism but that is exactly what I would like. So I know not all subs are the same but I would love to hear from submissive straight men on how they actually like to be treated, from the moment you meet your Domme to the moment something sexual happens.

Really, it'll all depend on him. There are the total Vanilla relationships, then I suppose there are total D/s relationships, but I would have to believe that they all have some bit of vanilla at least outside of the bed room.
And what everyone is looking for is different and falls somewhere in the middle. How much vanilla, how much D/s. And people won't know their balance until they get into a relationship and find out for themselves.

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RE: What does a sub man want? - 9/30/2010 1:22:46 PM

LadyHibiscus

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quote:

ORIGINAL: rulemylife

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyHibiscus

I want a submissive, not a boyfriend!! For me, the person who defers to me is NOT the person that I am emotionally intimate with.

You know, I've always been curious about that.

I find many women have the same attitude.

Why do you think that is? Do you lose respect for a submissive male? Is it the result of cultural influences that make you feel the male should be the dominant partner?

Or is it that many women enjoy having control but are ultimately submissive sexually?

It has nothing to do with sex, or my nonexistent submissive tendencies.

Think of a military situation, or anything involving a hierarchy. Getting too friendly with the lower echelon is fraternizing, taking advantage, and at its worst, showing me in a vulnerable position. I do not show that to property. I share that with PEERS.

I have tremendous respect for submissive men who are actually submissive, desirous of providing good service, and able to follow orders. They are capable of doing what I cannot, namely, submitting! They are invaluable!

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RE: What does a sub man want? - 9/30/2010 1:24:14 PM

pyroaquatic

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I can only speak for my self.

Personally I want someone to look forward to. Someone to share or make happiness with.

Intimacy and Confidence, Empathy, Communication.

A desire to feel useful but not cruelly abusive.

What do I know. I am but a simple switch. I still have a desire to submit but what of these other feelings. Dominance. Bitterness. Yadda yadda.

Good luck with your search.

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RE: What does a sub man want? - 9/30/2010 6:23:50 PM

slavekal

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As far as dressing up goes, I am reasonable. I know a woman cannot be in vamp mode all the time. But if every time I see her, she has rollers in her hair and cold cream on her face, then she just ain't trying. Especially if we don't live together and she was expecting me. Male or female, sub, dom, or whatever, I think we should try to look and smell pleasing to the one we want to turn on. It is possible to look good without having to prepare for three hours.

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RE: What does a sub man want? - 9/30/2010 8:27:28 PM

SubPet715

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As a sub man i'm clear as to what I want, as I see it I want 2 out of 3 of the following...

Emotional Connection
Physical Connection
Intellectual Connection

The hat trick would just be great but i'm realistic I would like it if my potential girlfriend would be my domme, me being her submissive would be the foundation of our relationship. But that is the most ideal but like I said i'm more realistic about things and know I can't always get what I want. I will wait and bide my time, I have a long life to live so I don't rush into things...ask any of the people who messaged me thinking to domme me for a session once, I just don't do that.

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RE: What does a sub man want? - 9/30/2010 10:24:59 PM

Acer49

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quote:

ORIGINAL: inteligencia

I am a new Domme and have had a huge number of replies to my profile but when I meet people things don't seem to quite work as I expected. I've met about eight people 'in the flesh' and all have found me physically attractive. The feeling was mutual in two cases, but I suspect I have just been too 'nice' in person and not Domme enough but I don't know for certain as subs will not say. I suppose it's not in the nature of a Sub to give constructive criticism but that is exactly what I would like. So I know not all subs are the same but I would love to hear from submissive straight men on how they actually like to be treated, from the moment you meet your Domme to the moment something sexual happens.

Well, no two subs are the same regardless of their gender. I would imagine that if you are willing to take the time to get to know the person you will find out what makes them tick. After all, it is not like you are going to collar someone after one or two meetings. As far as how you treat an individual, just as you yourself would like to be treated, with respect and dignity. It is inappropriate to attempt to Dom someone until a collar as been gifted and accepted. To assume that a submissive is incapable of giving criticism, constructive or otherwise would be a mistake. many male submissives are executives in the work force and are quite capable are able to do whatever it takes to get the job done

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RE: What does a sub man want? - 10/1/2010 12:57:26 AM

ElanSubdued

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Iinteligencia,

(Fast Reply)

quote:

...all have found me physically attractive. The feeling was mutual in two cases

Okay. In my experience, this is fairly typical for dating of any sort. A mutual attraction ratio of two out of eight is actually pretty good.

quote:

...but I suspect I have just been too 'nice' in person and not Domme enough but I don't know for certain as subs will not say.

"Too nice" and "not dominant enough" are not relevant, in my opinion. Just be yourself. That's who you are. Putting on a persona that you think will attract a partner... how long can that last? Many people will see through this and, for that matter, how long could you expend the energy to keep that up? Sooner or later you'll just want to be yourself so you might as well start out that way to begin with.

quote:

I suppose it's not in the nature of a Sub to give constructive criticism but that is exactly what I would like.

I disagree with the first part and as for the second part... people are not mind readers. If you want something, ask for it, politely. In fantasy BDSM-land, bitchy, inconsiderate dominants are all the rage, but in real life that's not the case. Showing courtesy will go a long way toward encouraging people to help you. Being clear about what you want from someone will also help. It's just fine to say to a submissive "I'm new at this and I'd appreciate it if you gave me some feedback about my approach thus far" or something of this ilk. You can also ask questions about activities that interest you to see what experiences your prospective partners have in those areas. If a submissive has experience and skills you'd like to learn from, there's nothing preventing you from asking the submissive to show you a thing or two. Learning is something all humans do. Asking a submissive for help doesn't show a lack of dominance. On the contrary, it's very sensible to ask the resources around you for help. Just a reminder... when someone shows you something, remember to thank them for their time. Consider this no different from the vanilla world.

quote:

So I know not all subs are the same but I would love to hear from submissive straight men on how they actually like to be treated, from the moment you meet your Domme to the moment something sexual happens.

I don't have a script, but a dominant woman who shows courtesy and kindness, has a sense of humour, can hold a conversation on topics inside and outside BDSM, isn't afraid to ask questions, is able to be vulnerable in front of me, has an appreciation of music and the arts, has a love and respect for animals, has interests and hobbies of her own that she'd like to share, is interested in the totality of me as a person (not just as a submissive), and is willing to share the totality of her personage (not just her dominant self)... this is someone who may catch my interest. It helps if she's romantic and is a good kisser to. :-)

Elan.

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